《BurgerPunk: Pizza Time》A Tale as Old as Time or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Plot

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Snowfall covered the streets. Trees stood leafless, covered with lights and snow. People wandered about, hurrying to their destinations, leaving tiny footprints behind. At night the buildings looked like pachinko machines, lighting up behind an eternal blackness. A hazy unidentifiable drone gently filled the background noise as everyone popped and unpopped their umbrellas.

I stood alone, under an awning, watching this all as it happened, as it always happens every year. Beyond the cold upsetting my joints, the thick fur of my coat kept me insulated for this kind of weather. I was prepared. A taxi slowly drove by, leaving behind a freshly plowed tire track. It was comfortable, in that deathly cold kind of way, but I knew a gentlemen from down the street that ran a little coffee shop. He’d let me come in and warm myself up and sometimes even give me a meal. His name was Mako and he was the kindest old man I’d ever met. His wife was frumpy but had a heart of gold, and I think his two daughters had a thing for me, they would give me so much attention on the days they showed up from school.

It was on this night that two men came inside the coffee shop and sat at the little wooden bar. They were non discrete, and I wouldn’t have noticed them except for the fact that both of them twitched and shrugged as if they were somehow constantly in a state of un-comfort. Like a wool suit that had no fabric softener used on it. They sat right next to each other, almost touching shoulders. They both ordered black coffee with sugar and cream on the side, but never put it into their drinks. They whispered to each other constantly, glancing about the small shop and going back to whispering.

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Mako didn’t seem to notice much but his wife did. She was at the dish washing station at the bar right in front of them. Glaring up at them any time they turned to each other.

I walked around behind them and gave them a once over myself. They didn’t seem to give me any mind at all. I thought it was rather rude, but I went back to my food. Eventually they left, having paid with a large bill and not accepting the change the wife brought them. I decided to follow them.

The snow had let up and the white was slowly turning to a black mush. More people were out on the street, couples in poofy jackets holding hands, wearing earmuffs and masks, probably thinking about what each other looked like underneath all those layers. My coat kept warm. The gentlemen were walking briskly and turned into an ally. I peaked around the corner. The shops of that walkway were all closed and the trash bins were overflowing. The two men looked around once more–noting that they didn’t see anyone, I suppose I’m good at hiding–and began to unzip, starting with the back of their skulls and moving over their faces. The comically large zipper shone through their outfits and through their skin. What was revealed underneath these two seemingly normal business people was a leathery grey skin. Their skulls grew twice as large and their eyes were as black as darkness itself. They had no private parts, no nipples, only a lumpy gray mass for a body with small gangly protruding arms and legs.

One of them tapped their ears and a blinding light came crashing down upon them. When it consumed them, they started to rise into the night sky. One of them looked down at me and I swear I could hear it say:

“Good night Canis lupus familiaris. No one will ever believe you.”

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