Tonight’s top story, Bloodbath at The D’s. What seemed like another case of the Mondays turned into widespread panic as The D’s, famous fast-food franchise, started in 1865, official communications department announced on Twitter today that they would be removing the ‘limited time offer menu item of 50 chicken nuggets’.

We called their offices and spoke with Tabatha who told us “it is with great sorrow we must remove the 50-piece chicken nugget deal from our menus across the nation today. With all that is currently going on we hope that those that want the D will still get some D’s after this. We are so terribly sorry that the supply chain has cause such frustration.”

When asked off the record what has been causing these issues, Tabatha informed us that "chicken farmers have been unionizing and generally slacking at their slave wage level jobs." She also added, "it’s hard to find good help at pitiful wages these days, those swill won’t even accept our D’s bux as legal tender anymore ever since we took away their 50% off the 3-piece tinder meal. Apparently, they survived off that shit. Fuck em’."

Little did Tabetha know the ramifications of what she has now done. All across the People’s Federation of Fast-Food Farmlands (sometimes known as PFFFF) violence rates have skyrocketed. While only a few direct incidents have occurred, some of customers getting into arguments with staff or other customers over ordering large quantities of chicken nuggets for outrageous prices, some incidents including a man stabbing a child in the eye with a plastic fork, another of a man who force fed a woman chicken nuggets until she no longer complained about ‘unsalted fries with her 100 nugs’, most other incidents of violence have only started happening after 9:25 central time this morning, the exact same time the tweet was published about the deal being revoked.

Strangely, there was no mass movement or protest scheduled at all that day. No global walk outs, no tiki torch conga line of white boys, no riots in the street. Simply one tweet about nuggets have now left widows and orphans all across PFFFF.

“I don’t know what happened” said Laticia Vanderbuke, wife of now passed John Vanderbuke, “He went off to work and suddenly his office building just exploded. All of it. I have no idea why. Are you saying it’s because of this chicken thing? Are you serous right now? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. This interview is over. Get the fuck out of my-“

She had no further comments.

We interviewed another family who lost their grandparents when the home they were placed in could no longer feed it’s residence due to the fact that their entire budget had been funneled through various D’s locations as a fraudulent scheme for money laundering, completely dependent upon the 50 piece deal.

We interviewed Olga Komflogerangizeron, a nurse at one of these locations. “Yes, I thought it was very strange that we only fed the residents chicken nuggets. Some of them were vegan. Some had strange allergies to the cooking oil D’s used. I didn’t get it, but it’s not like I was going to complain and get fired because of uncovering some vast conspiracy perpetuated by the wealthy capital owners who own the business. What are you crazy? We don’t have whistle blower laws that work here. This isn’t my fault by any means. You are the one supposed to do the investigative journalism here, not me. I went to nursing school to feed elderly people chicken nuggets and now I’m out of a job. This interview is going to get me blacklisted. I’m done. I’m done with this. Fuck you.”

She had no further comments.

At various D’s locations around PFFFF, lines of cars have clogged the arteries of the streets. Lines backing up entire freeway systems have currently put the entire interstate traffic of PFFFF to a staggering stand still. Customers lining up, either waiting to complain about the lack of the 50-piece deal or soon to learn the unbearable truth that the 50 piece deal is no longer available.

This traffic congestion has led to accidents, car wrecks, stalled cars, commercial transportation issues, public transportation grinding to a halt, as well as many individuals finding themselves dead in ambulances going 0 miles an hour. People have not made it back from their 30-minute lunch break today and many employers are getting upset.

“We told our employees that they needed to promptly clock in and out of their 30-minute lunch break,” said Charlene Kuzimire, head of HR for the HR Syndicate, the organization that unionized every HR department in the PFFFF, “We don’t tolerate lateness in our offices. We tell our employees that it is far more economical to pack a lunch before heading to work than to drive through some place like D’s. So far I’ve had to generate almost 2,000,000 termination slips and about 60,000,000 write ups. These numbers are unprecedented and the department who finalizes the letters hasn’t even come back from lunch.”

For PFFFF Television, I’m Katie Bark Jones Jr., tune in tomorrow when we cover the charming story of two children stampeded by a crowd, and their adorable lemonade stand they started to cover the medical costs of reconstructive surgery.