What did you say? The air smells burned? Sorry. There are probably a few fires still burning at the train depot. I thought I’d put them all out, but whatever. That station is ugly. Alex never liked it, and I sure as hell never liked it either.

Yeah, okay, fine, we can walk down to the depot and put them out. His boots are worn the fuck out though. Alex’s taste in clothing never really bothered me until now. The wooden floor is really sticky in this hallway. I think there’s something stuck in the treads too, hang on. Yep. Little piece of bone. Okay, it’s out. It was really poking his foot through the hole in the heel.

Oh, I guess you’re right. It’s not his foot anymore, it’s mine. My foot. Thanks. Still getting used to this.

Don’t give me that look. Yes, that look. The little arched eyebrow and tight lips that says, “Zynaxis, you idiot.” I tried to share! Defiler only knows how many times I let the boy take the lead on things. Too many times, as you can see from the state of this stupid place. Besides, it’s been a whole 16 years. Are you proud of me yet? I went a whole 16 years on Earth without, you know, any serious incident. And don’t bring up the exorcism. That doesn’t count. You’re giving me the look again! Cut that shit out.

You know what, go ahead and think I’m an idiot all you want. I’m long since overdue for a little bit of me time in here. Alex’s head was never really big enough for both of us. Hell, it’s barely big enough for me alone. Makes me wonder how much brain he was using after all. He’s the real idiot here. I was doing my best to behave! Years! I’ve got years of good behavior under my belt, the host slips up once, and suddenly I’m being audited by Hell’s finest. For crying out loud.

I saved him, you know. He owed me everything. I gave life to that stillborn freak and he turned out to be some whimpering moron who couldn’t save himself if he tried. I gave him the powers of a god, all my resources at his disposal, and I still had to do everything for him. Absolutely pathetic. He’d have been eaten by wolves a thousand years ago.

OUCH. What was that? Oh, ew, it’s Miss Candace’s Chihuahua. Blegh. It popped. But hey, that thing’s never been quiet until now. Alex used to tell me the barking gave him headaches. I thought he’d be happy seeing it with a two-inch dent in its head, but he wasn’t. Go figure, right? I’m just saying, you think you know what a human wants and then they’re like, “Noooo, not like that!” Come on!

Where was I? Right, bitching about Alex.

I have to admit, it wasn’t all bad. We were fine at first. Two beings in one body actually worked like a charm. He’d come talk to me when he was lonely, or scared, or just needed homework help. And I put up with it! Belphegor would have been proud of me! He’s always telling me to “slow down” and “just go with the flow.” Well I did, damn it. And I’d like to consider myself Alex’s only real friend.

Don’t snort like that. All right, maybe it wasn’t great for him, but he never complained. Apparently the people around here were pretty religious and a boy hearing voices wasn’t a big deal. I bet they figured I was some minor angel. I’ve got a nice voice, if I do say so myself. Not like that weird, threatening bellow. But my point is, he wasn’t an unhappy host. He was like the embodiment of blissful ignorance.

To be fair, I did get the feeling that the other kids weren’t fond of Alex and his imaginary friend, yours truly. He wasn’t a big socialite. It got real lonely in here, just the two of us sometimes. His parents made themselves scarce too. I mean, there were plenty of bonding opportunities over his schoolwork and stuff, but when you’re literally living in someone else’s soul, bonding kinda stops being an issue. Ha-ha! Like I said, I put up with a lot of shit in there. I don’t have time to tell you everything.

Ugh, we shouldn’t have come this way. My socks are all wet now. Alex was due to get new boots but then this… Um, this happened. He hated shopping, but it’s not like he has a say in whether we go now. Heh. You know what, I’m gonna nip off down to the Wal-Mart and grab a new pair. It’s not that far. Come with me, I’ll keep talking.

Hang on, I need fresh socks. I guess this guy doesn’t need them anymore! Ha-ha! You’d think all the blood would have dried up by now, but there’s still some pools on the sidewalk. Just watch your step and you won’t slip.

So, yeah. Alex was a loner. Worked out for me but not for him. Moving on to the good part.

I’m a demon. We’re clear on that, yeah? Just by default, I’m not a happy-go-lucky type of guy, and Alex was as nice a fellow as you could ever meet. We started butting heads a little more as time went on. His parents started getting worried when he didn’t stop talking to his imaginary friend “Zynn” and they turned into a problem. This place was pretty religious, not like Amish-level religious but almost. Three different denominations and the synagogue. I was almost sure some others were Zoroastrian or Muslim, but they didn’t show it.

Damn, I’m off track again. Sorry. If I’m boring you, just say the word. It’s been a rough time. A lot happened. I hope that’s obvious.

So the parents got kind of worried about him when he turned 16. I guess other kids his age start being interested in girls and sports and school around then, and Alex was still sitting in his room alone talking to me. Personally I didn’t have a damn to give about how they felt. They wouldn’t have a son to worry about without me! Ha-ha! Whatever. This place was a dump. They sent him to the Protestant church for an exorcism. Those things are like the dollar-value version of exorcisms. Didn’t even tickle. Water off my back. STOP LAUGHING! I was getting really bored in there, okay? Yeah, yeah, I’m the running joke of Hell suddenly because I taught Alex to swear in Ancient Greek. I’m gonna bite Azrael’s tail off. See how funny he finds that.

Oh, right, I promised you the good part. So a while later, Alex goes to church as usual. I kinda zone out while he’s in church. It’s boring and usually not a big deal. But that stupid priest gave some kind of sermon about demons. Something about how they lead you into temptation and then some rambling parable about Adam and Eve. Blah, blah, BLAH. Lead me not into temptation because I know the way myself, asshole.

So Alex starts walking home, right? And he’s freaking out at me. Saying stuff, accusing me of “manipulating him into serving the Evil One” and other assorted bullshit. Excuse me! I tried to patiently remind him that I was the only reason he was alive, but it might have come out a little harsh. Okay, I might have mentioned that Satan prefers the term “Defiler.” And I might have also mentioned that my life kind of hinges on his life. Alright, wipe that look off your face. You wouldn’t have done any better in my position, okay?

Did I point out that we were in public while he was saying this? Well we were! Everyone was staring! It was awkward! I don’t think too well when I’m put on the spot like that. No one does. I hadn’t really expected things to take a turn since that stupidly ineffective exorcism.

Anyway, I guess someone called the cops. There were two of them and they grabbed Alex. Somehow he managed to pull one of their guns and then put it to his own head. That bit freaked me out. He literally could have killed me. Well, both of us. But the point is, I could have died! I was backed into a corner and I had zero choice. It really is his fault they died. Tell your host to save the moral freak-outs for later. That advice could save lives.

Obviously I had to stop him, right? The other cop had his gun on Alex and he had that special “itchy-trigger-finger” look. So I did what I had to do. I gave in to that nagging itch that I’d had since day one and pulled the plug on Alex’s side of the brain. It was that easy. Fwwwip, and he was out like a light. Absolutely amazing. The silence was so, so nice. Also he’d dropped the gun, which was also convenient.

Fine, in retrospect, I probably could have handled things with a little more grace. But it was so new and fun! I had a whole human body that was all mine, no more sharing for this demon! You gotta test your limits, let loose sometimes. And I did! I spread right out, zapped all the required bits and bobs with electricity, and just like that, I was Alex. Or he was me. I don’t really know, and I don’t care. But I was free! Whoo! Wind in my hair, sun on my skin, blood in my mouth.

Cop number one kicked the gun out of his hand, which was fine. I didn’t need it. Cop number two went and checked for a pulse. I grabbed his arm and threw him through the store window across the street. People started screaming and running and waving Bibles. I threw the other guy too just for the fun of it. Nice arc, almost landed on the first guy. I threw the car too, for good measure. It exploded in the Wal-Mart doorway. Oh yeah, right around here actually. Ha-ha, you can still see the burn marks. I hope it didn’t hit the shoe isle. You wanna come in while I look for them? Size 12 if you see any.

But, long story short, I killed them. All of them. Young, old, rich, poor, religious or not. Most of them crowded up in the churches, so I barricaded the windows and burned those down. If the ones on the street so much as looked at me, they were dead. I can run like the wind in this body. I bit Candace’s arm off, I think it’s still laying over here. Ha-ha, watching her try to run was like watching a lump of Jell-O bouncing downhill. Too fatty to eat; that’s why I spit the arm out. And then I caved her yappy dog’s head in and chucked it over the fence. I got some extra screaming from that. The looks were priceless. Well, I did eat some of the others. Alex was a growing boy. He probably needed the extra protein.

Yep, there’s a stain on the sign over here. I hung this guy on his own intestines. He tried to be some kinda hero and came at me with a machete. Drugs were probably involved, I don’t know. He’d need a machine gun if he wanted to put a dent in me, and this town was too calm for those. Well, I guessed he wanted to show he had some guts, and he had guts all right. Enough to make a proper noose. Ha-ha!

Anyway, I blew up the lumber yard; that was fun. Plenty of dry fuel. Went up like a nuke. The guys inside probably didn’t even know what was going on. And then I torched the train station, partly because it was ugly, but I also didn’t want more people coming into town. I’m running out of places to put the bodies. I made a big pile in the river but I don’t know if they’ll rot enough to not flood when the rain starts. Yeah, see? I’m putting in some cleanup effort too! I deserve some brownie points for that, right?

Oh, there’s only one more fire at the station. Yeah, I burned the tracks and ripped ‘em up. Just going the extra mile to make sure no one comes in or out. I tore up some of the highway and the road leading out of here, but it’s not like that place gets any serious traffic. Honestly, it might never see traffic again after this. Maybe they’ll give it a special name. “Hell’s Rampage.” I like that one.

All right, are we done here? Great. Well, just tell the Defiler I’ll still be here until this body wears out. I can’t think of anywhere else to go while I wait for the audit results. Hopefully he doesn’t recall me, but it’s not like I’ve got anything to lose at this point. I’ll stay at Alex’s house. It’s a couple miles down the road and if I get tired of that, the hotel is empty downtown. Maybe I’ll even teach myself to drive while I’m here. There’s a few cars still intact on the next block.

Thanks for being patient with my rambling, by the way. Send my love to Belphegor and tell him he’s a fat bastard for me, then tell Azrael to go fuck himself with his entire barbed spear. I’ll come get him later. He’ll regret laughing at me whenever I get back to Hell, dammit.

END