《To Deify a Deity》Chapter 18 - Identity Crisis
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"What's wrong with her?" Cirwyn whispered to Traigar, "Is she reverting back to her introverted self?" Cirwyn had thought Lynefra was finally coming out of her shell when she had seen her again after Lynefra had entered the academy. For the longest time she had drilled Lynefra with training and lectured her about how important it was to control her power because she was scared the girl's ability would alienate her from her peers. Seeing Lynefra walk about robotically and simply go through the motions of being courteous worried Cirwyn.
"Maybe she's just shy..or .." Traigar suggested as his face darkened, "maybe there's a boy."
"Nonsense, I don't think Lynefra has even realized there's that much of a difference between men and women," Cirwyn replied mistakenly, "Even if she has, I highly doubt there's a boy that's caught her fancy. As her mother I think I would have noticed."
"There's much parents don't notice," Traigar grit his teeth. The idea of his daughters with young men slowly drove him into a restrained fury.
"Hmm," Cirwyn whispered thoughtfully into her husband's ear, "You aren't a girl so you probably don't know, when a young woman finds a man she likes, she glows."
"Huh?" Traigar identified Altresca in the distance, she was talking with several of the school's instructors who had been avoided any crimes due to them belonging to the invisible rebel forces against the previous Dean. "She's not glowing," he said in triumph.
"They don't literally glow you dolt," Cirwyn laughed, "It's difficult to explain so let's just chalk it up to women's intuition."
Traigar grumped, not completely satisfied with this new information. "In any case, no one can lay a hand on my daughter unless he's stronger than me!"
"Or she?" Cirwyn smirked.
"WHAT?!" Traigar crushed his drink in his hand. He wasn't angry, just surprised. "I hadn't thought our daughters swing that way..."
"They don't," Cirwyn said in certainty.
"How do you know, wife?"
"Intuition," another smiling reply came from Cirwyn as she looked towards Lynefra again.
Cirwyn wasn't the only one to notice Lynefra's turbulent mood, Freyd and Altresca had noticed it as well. The two siblings glanced at eachother and started to make their way over to their sister. "At least her mood isn't that bad yet..otherwise the weather would be completely ruined," Altresca whispered to her brother, now by his side.
"Hmm, I haven't seen her in this particular mood before. At home she was mostly in her room or sneaking out someplace to try and find someone to play with," Freyd replied, saddened by his sister's lost childhood.
"You know I used to be jealous of her?" Altresca confided in her brother, "I thought she always had preferential treatment and the way you doted on her.."
"I know," Freyd said, "but she didn't get any preferential treatment. Any time she wasn't studying with her tutors, she was forced to pratice her control over her power."
"Well, I know that now." In the past few weeks Altresca had asked her mother about Lynefra's growing up. When Lynefra was born, Altresca was already leaving for the academy and didn't actually get to see her family much, except for vacations. The brief time Freyd was in school with her, he was usually busy with his training or protecting her from unwanted advances in the shadows. "You never had time for me in school and on vacations you were always hanging around with Lynefra...how could this little sister not be jealous?"
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"Yes, your eagerness for praise and affection was slightly unhealthy," Freyd looked sideways at his sister just in time to see her fist strike his shoulder, "Ouch!"
"Hmph."
Kuzunoha and Yasuna had drawn plenty of attention with their interesting looks and their foreign looking outfits. Laigrat and Fallagar in particular, having travelled throughout the continents and countries of Pandora, were especially interested in where the pair hailed from. The otherwordly couple was spared from most of the questions from the guests due to the apparent closeness they had with the two aged monarchs and treated as royalty themselves. Distracted, Kuzunoha didn't notice anything special going on with Lynefra.
She may have stopped aging, but she's still a young girl, Lystall smiled knowingly to Syble. Not many would mingle with gods as they felt themselves inferior, leaving the divine duo without much to do. Being a blood relative of Syble, he showed uncommon interest in getting to know the people who would be surrounding his great granddaughter for the next few years. Having reached his mental maturity eons ago, he had somehow stopped at a mental age near Traigar's - which was somewhere around 35 to 40 - and having never had a daughter himself, and being more present in her life than Traigar was, Syble treated Lynefra like his own daughter.
Though goofy, both Traigar and Syble, weren't stupid by any means. Syble knew how to physically construct a planet and create natural laws. His knowledge of fighting was also below none. Not even the old gods could outdo Syble in his knowledge of combat, experience maybe, but not actual knowledge. As a mortal, Traigar had more useful skills. The man was incredibly handy and well versed in all kinds of physical labor. Though a prince for the early part of his life, he had always enjoyed helping the various craftsman while they worked at their trades.
In his Youth, Traigar had the nickname of the commoner prince, as he would work with anyone doing anything for the sake of working, a trait not shared by his late brothers. Traigar didn't actually like ALL the work, but once he said he'd work at something, he strived to be the best he could. "Be proud of your work! Even if you hate it and think it beneath you, if you do something, do it well!" He had told Freyd when Freyd was growing up. One of the reasons Traigar was such a popular general was because he would work with the men, while keeping a clear distinction between officers and enlisted. His temperament would have made him a career Lieutenant, he didn't like to play the political games and always took an enlisted man's (or woman's) side if there was conflict between commissioned and enlisted ranks; provided the officer was actually in the wrong. Fortunately for Traigar, and the men under his command, Traigar's physical power was unmatched and since no one in the Dulsan Empire had the ability to actually punish the man, he was given the rank of General.
Both men weren't book smart though, they had no use for scientific theories or, ironically enough for Syble, any interest in religion. Both men also hated large groups of people. The only reason Traigar had insisted on a ceremony for Lynefra's coming-of-age, was because of certain traditions he held in high esteem. The main reason Syble and Traigar disliked large groups of people was because manners were often thrown to the wayside as people tried to flaunt their status, that and people loved to become hypocritical gossip machines. The two also had a tendency to lash out and were prone to bursts of terrifying temper if they felt someone had tried to snub them. In Traigar's case, his temper was even worse than Syble's if someone tried to snub one of his family members. There was even a time Traigar had manhandled Emperor Artinalwe because of a snide remark made to Cirwyn. The remark hadn't even been malicious, it merely poked fun at something odd she had done but Traigar had felt she had come under attack of her character.
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At first the Emperor had been extremely angry, especially when Traigar wouldn't back down, but eventually Artinalwe came to understand that Traigar had been mad not out of pride, but out of defense for his wife. A few weeks after the incident had taken place, Artinalwe had personally gone to the Nihili household and offered sincere apology to both Cirwyn and Traigar. "I apologize for my comment and didn't realize how it would come across," the Emperor had said, "I wish to offer sincere apology for my offense and offer thanks to you personally, Traigar. A man who would strike his Emperor in defense of his wife is a good man indeed, especially if that wife is my sister."
Traigar had also since realized the error of his behavior and readily offered his own apology. Though the realization of his error in behavior wasn't because of his own reflection, it had been an intense argument between Cirwyn and Traigar. Dishes were thrown, furniture was destroyed. A door had taken the main brunt of the argument.
"I don't care if he is your brother, he shouldn't have said that and you defended him!" Traigar had yelled as he slammed the door.
"Don't you slam the door on me!" Cirwyn had shouted back and opened the door, entered the room, and slammed it again.
The nine-year-old Freyd and the six-year-old Altresca had run into Freyd's room to hide from the chaos. They couldn't understand the muffled shouts coming from their parent's room but they did see Traigar miss the door knob and accidentally put his hand through the door. In his rage, he grabbed the latched door and ripped it open, cracking the door frame and splintering another part of the door before he walked out and slammed the door again.
"That's just great, let's destroy everything because you're upset!" Cirwyn had called out and knocked the top half of the door down. It caused Traigar to turn around and walk back to the door.
"If you're going to break something, do it right!" He had bellowed and kicked the remaining half of the door down, then stormed out of the manor. There was only the bottom hinge with a little bit of door left as Cirwyn walked up to the door and pushed it into what would have been the closed position before she disappeared from the sight of the children again.
Whenever the subject of that particular argument came up at any sort of family dinner, Freyd and Altresca would laught about it to the chagrin of their parents. The behavior demonstrated during the events that had taken place years past weren't particularly flattering but their children found the entire thing to be amusing in hindsight. Lynefra, on the other hand, hadn't been born yet when the argument had taken place, and felt left out of the conversation.
Sometimes, Lynefra even wondered if her being reborn into her new family was some design cast on her only because her previous life had ended. Being so much younger than her two siblings felt especially odd. Freyd and Altresca were only three years apart in age but Lynefra was fifteen whole years younger than her sister and eighteen years younger than her brother. Topics such as this often arose, things that had happened before Lynefra was born were found either humorous or served to teach a lesson to her sister and brother, events that Lyenfra couldn't remember and had no part in. It was like her family had separate lives, there was the family life pre-Lynefra, and then the family life post-birth.
Lynefra, herself, felt like she was at least two different people. There was the new personality she had with a certain flair for the dramatic, the Lynefra that swayed the hearts of men and gave others reason to pause and gaze at her beauty, and there was the Lynefra that was just the little girl. Her sister had friends and collegues, her brother had battle buddies and soldiers under his command, Lynefra had four odd deities that hung around her with no apparent reason whatsoever. There was no one her age like her, even her siblings had vastly different circumstances, and she didn't really have any completely meaningful relationships.
She had been alarmed when she had seen Freyd's death and she wasn't even sure if it was because she loved him as her brother or if it was because he was one of the extremely few people who treated her kindly. Sure, her mother had good intentions but she was extremely strict, and Lynefra had a distinct feeling she had been the only child of her mother's that received such treatment. Somewhere deep inside, Lynefra knew it was because her mother was trying to protect her in the long run, but that didn't make the coldness of the treatment any less painful. Traigar was plainly just never around, there was always some issue at the boarder or some military event that he had to be present for. Even Altresca was mostly a stranger to her.
In fact, until recently, Lynefra had the strong impression that her sister hated her. Even after everything was brought to light, Lynefra still didn't know the slightest thing about her sister. Favorite outfits, books (if she ready any stories) that she liked, favorite colors or food? Altresca didn't really know her sister either, just her habits.
"Lynny, are you okay?" Freyd called out to Lynefra in concern. While lost in her thoughts and with her body on autopilot, Lynefra had been greeting various people at the ceremony.
She glanced at her brother with tears in her eyes. 'Why am I tearing up?' she asked herself, puzzled. Tell me, if you hardly know your family, does it really count as your family? She heard herself ask. Though she didn't physically say it, her lip still quivered and her vision grew blurry. It was as if someone opened the spill-ways on a dam and Lynefra's tears started falling freely.
Altresca reacted swiftly and wrapped her younger sister in her arms. "What brought this on?" She asked out of concern. She had seen her sister cry a few times and though she wouldn't admit it to anyone, it made her chest tighten. Regardless of how she behaved and how she thought of her sister, no one was allowed to hurt her.
Freyd was at a loss, he looked to Fonral for help but the girl only shook her heard with no advice of her own to offer. He looked back at his two sisters to see Lynefra burying her face into Altresca's chest as the clouds moved in. "Who am I? What am I?" He heard Lynefra sob. Freyd looked over to his parents for help. Cirwyn was walking over gracefully, but with purpose while Traigar looked like he was ready to kill something. Freyd could see his father saying something, attempting to read his lips he missed what Traigar said to Cirwyn, but for the good of everyone, he was hoping he only imagined his father saying "Which dirtbag made my daughter cry?"
No one knew why Lynefra's mood had suddenly taken a turn for the worse. She sobbed into her sister's chest like she had never cried before. It was as if all the things that had been cooped up for the previous fifteen years of her life suddenly found an outlet. How could anyone know exactly what was going on in Lynefra's mind? There hadn't been anyone with circumstances like hers before. The events of the previous two months just accelerated the eventual crisis of self identity.
Lynefra would have done this at some point even without all the fantastic circumstances that surrounded her, all teenagers have an identity crisis in some form or another. Some kids turn rebellious, others turn depressed. Some even experience rage for no apparent reason other than for the sake of being angry. It's a right of passage, Lynefra was no different in that regard. By the time Cirwyn had come to her daughter's side, rain had already started pelting the reconstructed barrier.
"Lynefra," Cirwyn said somewhat sternly, but her facade melted when Lynefra looked at her mother and, like a little girl begging for help, traded Altresca's chest for her mother's. Cirwyn trembled, her nature was to be that of someone extremely loving, she had to be stern with Lynefra because of Lynefra's powers, but going against the grains of her personality, eventually the cold mask would break. Cirwyn started crying too, followed by Altresca. Traigar and Freyd exchanged glances of confusion and helplessness, unsure of what had caused all three women to start bawling and absolutely baffled at how to resolve the situation.
Freyd and Traigar had many strong points, being comforting wasn't one of them. "ahaha.." Traigar laughed awkwardly and received the scorn of the onlookers, causing him to laugh even more awkwardly. Freyd, took note of his father's mistake and remained silent.
Lynefra was a raw nerve ending, like she was naked and exposed. "Mother, what's wrong with me?" She managed to say in between her sobs. Thankfully the audience had a sense of decorum and withdrew themselves from the immediate vicinity, turning their attention to the two gods who had shown up to support the person of honor.
Lynefra's words acted as a chisel and caused complete collapse of Cirwyn's stern attitude towards her daughter. It almost seemed as if the mother and daughter were having a competition between who could cry the hardest.
"Why would you think anything is wrong with you?" Cirwyn asked.
"I just, I just feel like I don't know any of you...and I feel like you're always mad at me," came Lynefra's reply.
To parents, their children never really grow up. Freyd was approaching his mid-thirties and he was still Cirwyn's baby. "My precious little girl," Cirwyn sobbed out, in a flash she realized part of the reason Lynefra was so upset. As soon as Lynefra was able to sit down and focus on something, Cirwyn hadn't shown her any real motherly love. Lynefra's life had been focused purely on gaining control over her power. Cirwyn had done what she had thought she was preventing, she alienated her daughter from her family and her peers.
As she gazed at her daughter, she didn't see the beautiful young woman in front of her, she saw her baby. The one she had changed diapers for and bathed. She saw the innocent little girl, vulnerable and in need of protection. Gone was the supremely gifted young woman, and in her place was the infant Lynefra. In that moment, Cirwyn looked right through her daughter and her daughter's cries faded from her ears, replaced with the wails of a newborn. The two cried for a long time over the years of bonding that had been lost.
"I have eyes that did not see, and ears that didn't hear(†)," Cirwyn whispered to Lynefra, "I'm sorry."
Traigar took the two girls up in his mighty arms and offered consolation the only way he knew how, with a heartfelt hug.
The tears eventually stopped and the weather miraculously cleared, leaving gorgeous, feathery clouds and the Ceremony continued as planned. For Cirwyn and Lynefra, the ceremony had also taken on a new meaning as reconciled their strenuous relationship.
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