《A Monster's Jaunt》Chapter 13: The Perfectly Normal Guard
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Guardsman Teeger yawned. He leaned on his cracked spear, willing his eyelids to stay open. The horizon past the gate was black, speckled with stars, and yet utterly dull. There was nothing to focus on, and his coworker was snoring away like there was no tomorrow. Teeger looked at him with envy. It had been almost a full day since he’d gotten a wink of sleep, and the only way he was able to keep himself awake was by thinking idly.
Guardsman. It was a strange title to have, he pondered. It sounded like he had a position of power or authority. He didn’t, but it sounded like it. Before, the only title he’d had was ‘apprentice’, or ‘lackey’, or ‘bumbling buffoon’. His master had a way with words, that was for certain.
It hadn’t been a particularly good job. In fact, it was objectively awful. The abuse that he’d had to suffer every single day was enough to break a hardened war veteran into a sobbing puddle of flesh. But it paid well enough to support Teeger’s family of four, and that was worth enduring the years of emotional torture.
That job, along with all of Teeger’s hopes, ambitions, and happiness burned alongside the enchantment stall that he’d worked at when the Northerners attacked. Perhaps the enchanting master had also burned to death, but Teeger rejected the thought. There was no way that old bastard could have been killed. No doubt he was somewhere out there, harassing an innocent individual and cursing the Northerners to his heart’s content.
Regardless of his master’s whereabouts, Teeger had gained the title of ‘unemployed’, with all the misery that accompanied it. It had been a dark time, and Teeger had resorted to oddjobs, some less legal than others. He had a large stature, the kind that intimidated others at first sight, so he was welcomed by anyone with ill-intentions. The toll was hard on his body, and harder on his conscience. It was worth it though, just to see the smiles on his kids faces during dinner.
Not a week ago, however, he’d won the work lottery, and received the post as a Guard on the West Gate. It was a thoroughly mediocre job, with less pay than he could have gotten as a bouncer, but it was consistent, and more importantly, it was completely lawful. Teeger thought the paycut was worth it, and accepted it immediately.
Thinking back, he regretted that decision. The hours were longer than they had been when Intigo was independent, the Northerners enforcing their ludicrous idea of discipline. According to them, anyone who wanted to get a healthy amount of sleep of food was an uncivilized slob, and they made sure that anybody who worked for them knew it.
The heavy sounds of footprints brought Teeger back to reality. He jerked to attention, and elbowed Alan, who went from snoring to alert in an incredible amount of time. The man had been working the shift for a month longer than Teeger, and he’d clearly gotten good at it.
Lieutenant Slagen marched through the gate, pivoted to face the two guards, and took a single disdainful look at them. That was enough to make Teeger feel a deep guilt in his core, as if his very existence was inappropriate in front of the soldier. He straightened his back even more, and prepared mentally for the incoming lecture.
Slagen cleared his throat with three precise coughs, and stared at Alan intently. In a clipped tone that belied his fury, he said, “Now, I know that the citizens of Intigo have no sense of dignity, or respect for their job, but I still expected them to know better than to sleep on the job.” He took two decisive steps towards Alan, putting his face right next to the guardsman’s. “Perhaps you have a recommendation on who to give your job to, Guardsman Alan?”
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“No, sir, I do not.” Alan stared straight into the horizon, seemingly unfazed by the Lieutenant’s rage.
“Then I expect that this will not happen again?”
“Of course not, sir.”
“Good.” With a slightly satisfied frown, Slagen moved back to his original position. Teeger couldn’t help but exhale a little bit out of his nose, relieved that he wasn’t the one getting yelled at.
That was apparently the wrong move. Slagen’s eyes flickered over to his face, and Teeger could feel the heat from his gaze. “I suppose that you think that just because you are new here, Guardsman Teeger, you are exempt from the rules?”
A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead. “No, sir.”
“And yet I see you standing next to a sleeping Guardsman, not only allowing him to sleep, but covering up for him as I arrived? Is that your idea of discipline?”
“No, sir.”
For a second, Teeger thought the Lieutenant’s eyes softened for a second. “Listen well, Guardsman Teeger. You were told that you were chosen by lottery, but I chose you personally. You have the makings of a good Imperial soldier, maybe even an officer if you work hard enough. I’ve been here long enough to hear about what you’ve done around the town, and you certainly have the qualifications for it.”
His softness quickly disappeared. “But if you choose your allies so poorly, then perhaps you don’t deserve the chance I gave you. Think wisely on what you want to do with your future.” With that, he gave them a stern nod, and marched back through the gate.
Alan looked at Teeger with disgust. “What’d you do to Slagen to get him to like you so much?”
“I have no idea.” He responded honestly. Teeger hadn’t realized that the Lieutenant had such a high opinion of him.
“So I ‘spose you’ve just been ass-kissing behind my back. Trying to get in front of the rest of us, betray us to the enemy?” Alan spat on the ground. “Couldn’t even wake me up on time. You’re a waste of space, y’know.”
“Yeah. I know.” The acrid words were almost nostalgic. With a sigh, Teeger leaned back against the wall and looked into the horizon. The sun began its ascent, bringing with it a new day, reminding Teeger that some things never changed.
The red sunrise shined over what was now the Northern Empire, painting a beautiful warm gradient over the rolling hills. It was a sight to behold, and one that Teeger was too tired to appreciate.
He was not too tired, however, to ignore the shining figure that crested over the final hill towards the gate. Squinting his eyes, he could just barely make out a figure covered in a bright pink, partially from the light, but also from… blood?
As the person made their way closer, the scene grew stranger and stranger. He was certainly a man, a warrior in what was once shining armor, now covered in dents and stains. In his arms, he carried a very hairy damsel, or perhaps a freshly-shaven primate. Teeger looked on with wonder. “Hey, Alan, are you seeing this?”
The only response was a very nasally snore. Teeger let out another sigh, and poked the sleeping guardsman with the butt of his spear.
“Ow!” Alan exclaimed, jolting from his sleep, standing back at attention. After a second, he realized that the Lieutenant was nowhere to be seen, and looked at Teeger with an immense revulsion. “Oh dear lord, are you actually waking me up because that Northerner told you to? You really are a traitor to your own--”
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“No, no! Do you see that person?” Teeger pointed forwards, where the warrior was trudging towards them, barely a hundred meters away.
“Yes.” Alan responded tersely, and then slouched back against the wall.
“What, that’s all? Are you kidding me? Do you see what he’s holding?” Teeger couldn’t believe the man’s ambivalence towards the situation. Surely he wasn’t in the wrong for finding it strange?
Alan let out a dramatic sigh. “Teeg, you’ve been on this job for a whole week.”
“Don’t call me Teeg.”
“Make me. Point is, people from these parts are weird. And the people from up north are even weirder. And at the top of that pyramid of weird? Those inquisitors, or whatever they want to be called.”
“Burners.”
“Whatever. Anyways, I’ve seen a dozen of them pass through these gates, and none of them have ever entered looking normal. If I see one that isn’t half covered in blood and gore, then they’re stark raving mad, looking for sacrifices or something. Point is, they aren’t people that you want to make trouble with. Just ask them for their papers and let them through.”
“Sacrifices!?”
“You’re thinking too hard about it. You’ll be fine. I’m sure that you can handle it by yourself.” Alan crumpled back into a ball, and was snoozing before Teeger could get a second word in.
Deep breaths. Teeger calmed himself down, and put on the most stoic expression that he could. He was sure that as long as he acted normal, everything would be fine.
The warrior walked in front of the gate, and looked at Teeger in the eye. The striking figure was a direct contrast to the absolutely idiotic look that he had on his face. The man’s eyes were cross-eyed, and his mouth was curled up in a way that the guardsman didn’t think was physiologically possible. Something about the shape of the face was also just… comical.
Teeger stifled a laugh, and steeled his mouth. This was not a person that he wanted to offend. In the strongest, most formal voice he could muster, he said, “Greetings, Burner. If you show me your papers, then you can enter the city.”
The Burner stared at him. For a second, then ten. After twenty Teeger was shifting uncomfortably on his feet. Perhaps the man hadn’t heard him? Just as he was about to repeat his speech, the strange man that the Burner cradled in his arms gasped awake. He looked around the surroundings, and once he saw the gates his jaw dropped.
“Oh, dear Esmira, we survived.” Tears ran down his face freely, and he unsteadily stepped down from the Burner’s arms. “Thank all the gods and goddesses that led me to meet this hero.”
Teeger was completely taken aback from this scene. “Uh, sir? I asked for your papers.”
The, clearly unstable, man looked at Teeger as though he was the crazy one. “Papers? Us? Sir, you haven’t the slightest idea what we’ve been through.”
“Regardless, I’m still going to need--”
“I was but a meager merchant, making my way to Intigo in hopes of finding riches. On the way, I was robbed three times, left with nothing but my cart and my dignity. On the way, I saw a poor waysider stranded deep in the forest, and offered him a ride.”
“Again, I don’t need to know your story.”
“But then we were attacked by a giant basilisk!”
“I--” Teeger paused for a second. “Wait, a basilisk? You mean the one that’s been plaguing the road to the west?”
“No doubt!” The smaller, well tanned man gestured up with a serious face. “It was as tall as a house, no, two! And the bravest hero this side of the Empire slayed the beast, not even bothering to use a weapon! On my name as Gerald Hunkins, I saw it with my own eyes.”
“Really!?” Teeger was stunned. “How did he do it?”
“Ah, it was a sight to behold.” Gerald sighed dramatically. “He took a rock from off the ground, and threw it at the beast with a ferocity that I’d never seen before. Through pure skill, he managed to hit it directly in the eye.”
“Oh. That’s… less heroic than I expected.”
“But the beast fled, and we were saved. But the attack left me unconscious, so the great hero here managed to carry me all the way to Intigo.” Tears began to well up in Gerald’s eyes once more, and Teeger had to admit they were convincing.
“That’s very impressive, and I’ll be sure to tell my superior about you. But, your papers?”
Gerald grimaced. “Destroyed, I’m afraid.”
Teeger shifted stances awkwardly, leaning more heavily on his spear. “Oh. Well, um, I’m sorry then. I’m afraid that I can’t let you into the city without any papers.”
“What?” Gerald yelled in the guard’s face. “But sir, you must understand! If you don’t allow us in, not only will you be offending the greatest hero to grace this city, but you’ll lose the greatest asset that the Empire has seen in decades!”
Teeger looked to the ground in shame. “Well, I really do want to let you in, trust me. But, I have a family to feed, and I need this job. So, if you wouldn’t mind leaving?” He looked at the hero pleadingly.
The hero stared back blankly, and the guardsman could feel the disappointment radiating from the man’s uncoordinated stance. Teeger gulped, and braced himself. He wasn’t going to lose his job on the first week, no matter what. He had larger priorities than helping a stranger. Even if that stranger was a hero. Even if he really wanted to.
Thankfully, he was saved from making the decision by the familiar sound of heavy footsteps coming from behind him. “What is the commotion and why hasn’t it been dealt with?” The Lieutenant asked in an exasperated voice.
Teeger let out a relieved exhale. “Sir, these travellers just told me that they lost their papers. But they also said that they killed a basilisk!”
The Lieutenant gave a neutral grunt. He turned to the clothes-less merchant, giving him a burning glare. “And what proof do you have that you’ve killed this beast?”
Gerald gave him a beggin look. “Why, sir, take a look at this man! He’s covered with a basilisk’s blood. What more proof could you need?”
The officer took a closer look at the hero. “Hmm. It doesn’t appear that you’re a Burner. But I can’t tell the difference between basilisk and human blood, and nobody else in the city does either. What proof do you have that you aren't a brigand?"
“What!? Just call upon a simple alchemist, they’ll be able to--” Gerald’s words were stopped in his throat by the look that the Lieutenant gave him.
“Remember where you are. This is the Empire. There are no alchemists or enchanters, and there are certainly no wizards or witches who will help you prove your case.” He returned his glare to the hero. “And you. What is your name?”
For the first time throughout the entire encounter, Teeger heard the hero’s voice. It was raspy and delicate, incongruous with the hero’s blank expression. The mere sound of it sent chills down the guardsman’s spine, and he realized that this was what a hero should sound like. “I am Boggy.”
The Lieutenant was also surprised, by the look of it. “So, Boggy, where are your papers?”
“I do not have any.”
“Ah. Well then, this is simpler than I expected.” Lieutenant Slagen turned around and faced Teeger. “Guardsman Teeger, why haven’t you thrown this man out already?”
Teeger spluttered as he tried to come up with an answer. “Well, uh, he said that he killed a basilisk. And I know that there’s been one in the area, and he looks strong enough, so I thought that--”
“And that, Guardsman, is your first mistake.” Lieutenant Slagen pushed one finger onto Teeger’s chest. “You thought. Your job is not to think. A good soldier does not think. He obeys the commands that are given to him. And as far as I can tell, my commands to you were to throw out anybody who did not have the proper documentation. Or was I wrong?”
“But, what if there’s a special case?”
“If there’s a special case, then you’ll know. If, for whatever reason, there was a high-ranking official at the gate, then you have permission to call me to verify. Until then, all you have to do is check for papers. Am I understood?” The Lieutenant’s voice made it clear that this was the last warning that he was going to give.
Teeger tried his best to keep his mouth shut. He really did. But the words flew out regardless. “But sir,” he said, already regretting his words, “He’s a hero.”
Slagen’s expression shifted from very annoyed to absolutely livid. “Guardsman Alan!”
“Yes, sir!” Alan was standing to attention, like he’d been awake the whole time.
“Was Guardsman Teeger thinking about letting an unauthorized outside into the city before I arrived?”
Alan’s eyes twinkled with smugness. “Yes, sir, he was! I heard ‘im talking to the short one about how he was going to let them in.”
Teeger looked at his coworker dumbfounded. He couldn’t believe what was happening in front of his very eyes. “Wait, what? I didn’t--”
“Did I give you permission to speak, Guardsman!?” Lieutenant Slagen yelled into his face. “First you talk back to me, then you plan treason, then you act out of turn? I thought you had potential, Teeger, but if you continue to act like this, I’ll find somebody else to fill your space. There’s no shortage of bodies.”
Teeger held his breath. He counted to ten. It made no difference. He couldn’t hold it in. “Then the least that you could do before you fire me is let these two in.” He pointed towards the place that the two newcomers were standing.
Or rather, were standing. The space in front of the gate was now empty but for the guards and the officer. A tense silence fell over the three. In an uncharacteristically calm voice that set off alarm bells in Teeger’s mind, Lieutenant Slagen asked, “Guardsman Alan. Where did the outsiders go?”
Alan hesitated. “Well, sir, it ‘ppears that while we were arguing, they slipped past us.”
“Into the city?”
“Yes, sir.”
Another moment of silence. “Guardsman Alan. Ring the alarm bells. There are intruders in the city, possibly hostile.” Slagen began to walk back into the city at a crisp pace, but stopped in his tracks. Without looking back, he said, “Teeger. Put your spear and armor on my desk. Get out of my sight.”
Teeger was about to respond, but thought better. He ran through the gate, dashing into the nearly-empty streets of Intigo. The city was only now beginning to wake up, with the merchants and salespeople setting up their stalls. He walked around the little islands of stalls, ignoring the hawkers that yelled at him. He hadn’t had any extra cash to begin with, and he certainly didn’t have any now that he lost his job.
The barracks for the Imperial Army was newly constructed, but like the rest of their architecture, very solid. It was clearly built as a defensive location first, clashing with the flowery aesthetics of the buildings surrounding it. With a heavy heart, Teeger walked into the building.
He recognized some of the people as he walked towards the Lieutenant’s office, but didn’t bother greeting them. After all, he probably wouldn’t be seeing them again.
The business was finished quickly, and soon enough Teeger was out onto the streets again, in his old ratty clothes. They itched like crazy, and while the guardsman armour wasn’t particularly good, at least it had fit well.
With a sigh, Teeger took his time walking towards his house, taking a long way. The alarm bells rang in the distance, but he wasn’t worried about that anymore. There was a lot that he had to think about. How was he going to explain this to his wife? She had been so happy when he got the job, and now he had to tell her that he lost it. Even worse, he was going to have to explain what happened to his daughters.
He rehearsed his speech what felt like a dozen times in his head, but when he reached his house’s front door, it still felt like he wasn’t ready. Teeger steeled himself, and opened the door.
“Teeg!” His wife tackled him as soon as he opened the door, tears already running down her face. Teeger’s heart dropped into his stomach. She already knew somehow.
“Alyssa, I’m so, so, sorry. I couldn’t--”
“No, Teeg, wait.” Alyssa managed to get some words out in between her sniffles. “I was out doing laundry, and… and some of my clothes went missing.”
The despair that Teeger felt in his core grew even stronger. They barely had any money, and now he had to find a way to buy new clothes as well? He gulped, and said, “It’s fine. We’ll find a way to make it work.” His eyes were starting to mist over as well, and he squeezed his wife tighter. “Money is going to be tighter from now on, though. I’m going to have to go back to my old… job.”
“No, Teeg.”
“Yes, Alyssa. I have to. We need money one way or another, and this is the only way it’s going to work out.” His cheeks felt wet, and he buried his face into his wife’s hair. “I know it’s not ideal, but I--”
“Listen, you idiot.” Alyssa pushed him off, stunning Teeger. This was the first time that he’d heard his wife insult him. “You don’t have to work those jobs anymore.” She opened her hands, and a small pile of coins sat on her palms.
Gold coins. Strangely engraved gold coins. Teeger looked at them, even more confused. “What?”
“I don’t understand it either,” She wiped the tears off her face and looked at him with a serious expression. “I just found these next to the drying laundry. I think that it’s… gold?”
Teeger looked at the treasure with wonder, and moved his hand towards it. He hesitated. “It… isn’t a trap, is it? Or a dream?”
“I don’t think so.” Alyssa burst into tears again, and Teeger joined her.
For the first time in a long time, Teeger felt like something went well in his life.
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