Chapter 25

♪ You Only Get One Shot ♪

When I awoke from what seemed like a night terror, I could feel the physical sensation of fear coating my body. My eyes shot open in a panic; my hands were gripping feathery sheets made of a condensed cloud when I looked down. It was more like a death grip, my veins straining to keep up with the intense blood pressure, and my gasps for breath barely able to sustain the required flow of oxygen. Before I was able to recognize the difference in my situation compared to my past eternity in hell, I checked every inch of myself. When I stood up from the bed, my palms were sweaty, my knees weak, arms were heavy. I’d even puked on what appeared to be a Christmas sweater already, “Is that… Mom’s spaghetti?” The vomit on my chest only reminded me of the beginning of my time in hell, swimming in my own excrement. The memory brought back panic to my eyes, and I could see my sweaty hands shaking violently.

Looking up from my hands brought a sense of warmth that quickly alienated me, the sight of rolling pastures on either side of a crystal-clear river finally hinting to me that I was no longer being bathed in suffering. “But where am I now,” I asked aloud, in the hopes that maybe, someone could hear me. The only signs of life that I could see were a lion and a lamb lying side by side on the river shore. It took a few seconds, but I did get a response. The effects of the trauma from my past infinity were demonstrated when the sound of a bubble popping startled me. A floating faun also awoke with fright at the sound of the popped bubble, “AH! Ah? Oh, you’re awake! I’m aware you must be in quite the start, so let’s fix that.” My new acquaintance played a tune on his pan flute, making him look like he was gleefully playing music for a happy dance. The next thing I knew, my ever-present fear turned into a far-off memory buried deep in my subconscious. It was replaced with a sensation of delight and peace, dwarfing the realism of suffering I’d experienced through God’s wrath.

“There. That’s better, I’d say. Would you agree,” the faun asked me, not bothering to introduce himself. When I thought about how rude it is that he didn’t start with his name, the thought came out as, why wouldn’t Archy tell me his name first… wait, I already know his name somehow. In fact, I already knew the name of every other resident of heaven and that this isn't actually heaven but more of a waiting place for those who died before heaven opened up. It’s like the information had all been downloaded straight to my mind as incorruptible data. I nodded my head to his question before he continued, “As I know you already know, this is the staging area for the righteous who died before heaven, and I am Archy. It takes a moment to get used to how things work around here, but if questions pop into your mind, they should be immediately answered. At least concerning the things in the spiritual realm. And no, we can’t make contact or even look at the lives still currently being lived out back in the universe. Only the Big Man himself can do that.”

I looked down at my now vomit free Christmas sweater with a cross and presents beneath it, then looked up and said, “Don’t tell me… Santa Claus is here?”

Archy: “Oh jeepers no! The big man is God the Father. Couldn’t you already tell that Santa is demonically influenced to steal the true meaning of Christmas? He’s based on the demon, or what the earth knows as the son of an evil pagan god, Krampus, who would abduct and eat children who misbehaved during the winter season. That’s where the whole ‘if you misbehave you get coal’ nonsense came from. I mean, look at his name. It’s even basically just Satan’s name rearranged! The only reason his character was changed from evil god to nice man that gives presents was to be a more attractive concept to people in order to take the attention away from Jesus and focus more on their own selfish desires. They don’t care how they get people to fall away from Christ. Fallen angels will do whatever it takes to bring as many people as possible down to Gahena with them on the…”

Archy’s words came to a halt, almost like someone hit the pause button on the remote of time. “A-Archy? You okay dude,” I asked while waving my hand in front of his face. Huh, something’s definitely up.

Yahweh: “Hahaha yes, yes there is. Archy’s such a character. Ya gotta love them sheepy bafolk. Their nature disposes them towards loving me as their creator though.”

Tru: Yup. I knew it. “Isn’t that a good thing? It’s better than most of us humans at least.”

Yahweh: “To be frank, a human’s love is much harder earned. Y’all’s fall to temptation and subsequent unholy nature really made things more complicated for me.”

Tru: “That’s understandable, I guess. I mean, an overwhelming majority of us don’t even acknowledge your existence and some even despise you for things humans did. But why do you let evil exist in the first place? Can’t you just wipe it out and let humans live in harmony?” I wonder why these questions aren’t getting auto-answered like my questions for Archy?

Yahweh: “Ha! Firstly, I have utterly perfect control over everything, so of course, I can decide when we have conversations or when you can just know the answer.

Tru: “Wha… Oh yeah, you can read my mind, duh.”

Yahweh: “*Ahem* secondly, in one breath I created living things in order to have a loving relationship with you and the other sapients; to let the overflow of my own love reach you. The problem is that relationships are a two-way street. Can’t exactly have a satisfying relationship with people who refuse to accept me.”

Tru: “Makes sense. Why not just make people accept you then?”

Yahweh: “Like a robot? You tell me, what’s more satisfying, when a person chooses you above anything else or when you program a computer to say the words ‘I love you?’”

Tru: “Obviously when someone chooses you.”

Yahweh: “Exactly. Thus, when I made you people, I had to at least give you the option to NOT choose me and the free will to decide. The problem is, I am the existence of goodness. For there to be an option aside from me, I also had to create the opposite, which is what I called evil.”

Tru: “Hmm. Okay. But why not just get rid of it now? Aren’t there enough people who chose you?”

Yahweh: “Every single one of you that chooses me makes it worth tolerating. If I were to destroy evil, I’d destroy it all because it’s all equally repulsive to me. That would include all the people who are still currently engrossed in their abhorrence. So, for the sake of all those who have yet to be saved but may still be, I endure its existence, counting each breath I take in longing for the destruction of all that is evil.”

Tru: “You are holy after all. But how can you be loving and holy at the same time? If your righteousness causes you to destroy all that is evil, doesn’t that mean you don’t love people?”

Yahweh: “An understandable misconception. See, I made y’all with the option to choose, meaning every one of you has at least a little good in your heart. Even the worst of dudes had a family he loved. We’re talking even Hitler had a microcosm of goodness in him. While you live, you always have the option to choose me or commit evil. Your sinful nature makes that pretty difficult, though. No thanks to the first ones inviting sin to change everything. To be clear, I didn’t create you with your currently corrupt nature.”

Tru: “Well, I mean, doesn’t everyone choose evil then?”

Yahweh: “Yes, but tying that and your previous question together, I can be both holy and loving by giving them an option to have their guilt paid for by me. They just have to admit their guilt, accept the fact that I’m able to pay for their sins as God, and believe it in their heart. Pretty generous, if I don’t say so myself; having me, the one who didn’t do anything wrong, go through my full wrath on their behalf. Speaking of which, you did much better than Moses expected down there! Color us impressed.”

I set my hand on the back of my head and couldn’t help but smile at a compliment from the guy that’s above literally everything. My face became slightly warm, an indication that I was blushing, and looked down out of embarrassment. “Hahaha, thank you. It was definitely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, unquestionably… there are no words to describe how much worse it was than I could have ever imagined.” Though I could feel my mind fighting to despair over my time in hell, this inexplicably good feeling would not let me! I could feel the conflict in my mind, with the goodness beating out the despair each time. I continued after Yahweh patiently waited for me, “Oh! But back to our conversation. If you gave them an option to be acquitted of all charges, why wouldn’t they accept that gift?”

Yahweh: “From the perspective of the perpetrators, *cough* every single human that’s ever been born except for me *cough*, their evil isn’t so bad to them. However, the acts they consider to be ‘evil’ only exist because they perpetually commit evil under the delusion that it isn’t so bad. In this way, a toddler’s lie of not eating a cookie before dinner time is directly affecting the woman sold against her will as a sex slave in Thailand. People don’t consider how their actions affect every other person on earth. Most completely ignore any bad outcome of their actions if it doesn’t directly affect them.”

Tru: “Ah, but…”

Yahweh interrupted me, “No more questions! I can’t just give you all the answers before the time is right or my plan won’t have its optimal outcome. You’ll assuredly need to sacrifice and suffer more for that to happen, so go with me!”

As though my conversation with God never happened, except for the new information in my mind, time started moving again.

Archy: “…day of judgment. Truck? Erm, Tru? Are you even listening?”

I was standing there dumbfounded, at a loss after having had such a direct conversation with God. I didn’t come to until something bashed me across the cheek.

“Ow!” I yelled exaggeratively. When I turned back after having my head partially thrown to the side by the blow, Archy had been leaning forward, squinting his eyes at me like a frustrated little sheep standing on its hind legs. Well, I guess he’s at least half a sheep standing on its hind legs while crossing its human arms. “Don’t even care to listen to your guide in heaven, huh? Fine by me. But don’t blame me when you disappoint the big man by catching Nexus Syndrome!”

I tilted a brow, looking up and to the left as I pondered, What the… Oh. So, Nexus Syndrome is basically when you spend too much time in heaven and no longer have the will to leave. I’m still not used to having auto-answer in my mind… Such a weird sensation.

Tru: “Hold the faun… I’ll end up losing my will to leave if I stay here too long?!”

Archy: “Hold the fa… *Sigh* Ding-ding-ding! Someone’s auto-answer seems to be a bit on the slow side.”

Tru: “Is that supposed to be an insult… You know what, whatever. How do I get back to Driscoll, ye holy goat?”

Archy turned his head in the opposite direction, still folding his arms in silence while impatiently tapping his foot on the ground.

I took a deep sigh to help me put up with this fussy hoofed guide before apologizing, “I’m sorry for ignoring you. I couldn’t really help it though after Yahweh stopped time and spoke with me.”

Archy: “Well shoot, why didn’t you say so? It’s all water under the bridge, pavement in the rearview, let bygones be bygones. I don’t even know what we’re talking about anymore. Shall we continue on with our tour, Sir Coon?

Uuuuh… That’s quite the change. “Sure. But I can’t stay too long with Nexus Syndrome and all.”

Archy waved his hand at me dismissingly and pulled a clock out of his pocket with 3 sets of hands over an infinity symbol with a third loop in the mix, “I wouldn’t even worry about it. You have exactly 12 infinities, 36 eons, and 51 eternities before it sets in. That’s pleeeenty of tiiiime.”

Tru: “…” What the heck is that supposed to mean? Is my auto-answer just dumb or something? Suddenly, a still, small voice whispered in my ear from nowhere and everywhere at the same time, “I control eeeeverything man. You’ll do fine without knowing how infinity works. Don’t wanna fry your intelligence’s puny storage capacity.”

From that statement alone, I blurted out, “Dang it! I knew my low intelligence stat was gonna be an issue.” Archy jumped with a shiver going down his spine at my sudden outburst but quickly reassumed composure as if nothing had happened.

Archy: “Please, follow me, sir. Though I was pulling your leg earlier, Nexus Syndrome is real and I’m sure the big man has already set a timer before you catch it.”

Me: “Sure. I’ll keep up.”

I almost immediately regretted my words when the man-sheep began to prance his way down the road of… Wait, is this moss?! I already knew the answer, but at the time, I’d started to miss being able to ask questions. It was as though my personality changed, leaving me feeling mentally awkward nearly every time. Could you imagine thinking of a question, but it gets answered before you even finish forming the thoughts, yet out of habit, you finish the thought, knowing full well there’s no point in finishing forming your question? It just leaves you in this awkward moment thinking “Ugh, stupid,” but you even feel stupid just calling yourself stupid, because you’re contradicting the fact that you’re way too knowledgeable to be stupid. An uncomfortable feeling begins to form in the brain, kinda like when a computer crashes after coding an accidentally infinite while(){} loop in JavaScript. This being heaven, the feeling is quenched instantly, leaving an exceedingly awkward moment for those of us who are used to thinking till the brain hurts.

Anyway, heaven is coated in Abascan moss. The soft sensation made each step sink half an inch into the ground. Since I’m in a full-on sprint, I nearly tripped myself up several times. Thankfully, my agility is my second highest stat. Oh! Do I have any… nope. No stats in heaven. I wonder how Driscoll got the stats then? Huh, now that I want an answer, nothing happens. Why is tha… Oh! Auto-answer can only answer questions about heaven. I feel like I should have known that without auto-answer popping up. “Hey, Archy, is there any reason I should be feeling so awkward in heaven?” Well, I already know, but whatever. A little conversation would be nice.

Archy: “As you already know, this isn’t ‘Heaven’ per-say. It’s just a waiting place for basically only the Jews before heaven was accessible. For all intents and purposes, call it Nexus. Also, you’re not actually dead. Being a living creature in the spiritual realm, your physical nature is just at a loss here.”

Me: “Ah, okay. Thanks for indulging me with a little chat.”

Archy: “Most certainly, Sir Truck. And here we are.”

The faun stopped next to the softest bed I could ever imagine even though I had been on an exact replica of it when I woke up from hell. As soon as he laid down on it, the bed shot so fast forward that, if it weren’t for auto-answer, I would think he just disappeared. Just as fast as he left, another bed popped into place, and I intuitively understood the internal, spiritual workings of this method of transportation. Fueled by the power of peace and relaxation, the bed can fly faster than anything in the physical realm. Not only that, but it also knows exactly where to take me.

Before I knew what happened, probably thanks to my low Int stat, I was thrown into a bed of banana-flavored moon pies. Delightfully, I ate and was filled with pure satisfaction. Archy just had to ruin the vibe, though. A hefty book collided with the back of my head, smashing my face into the banana marshmallow goodness. “Ouch,” I instinctively yelled for the second time in heaven despite the complete absence of pain. Pointing at the infinity clock, Archy said, “It’s already been 7 infinities since you started eating at the banquet table!” Clapping his hands, he continued, “Chop chop! No more dilly-dallying.”

We strode over to a blank scroll spread out over an absurdly long podium. Archy began the process of accessing the information on the scroll by waving his hand and praying. Cosmically blue and starry letters fell to the scroll, like an old typewriter, pressing the magical ink to the paper. The first few letters fell slowly but betrayed the senses as words formed faster than the stamps were falling.

Archy: “… amen.”

An enormous list of the words “Locked: Requirements Not Met,” filled the entire scroll for what looked like miles. There were, however, two items on the list that were readable:

[1. Request Information.]

[2. Unique Skills.]

Asking auto-answer about the locked options on the list was a fruitless endeavor, SOMEONE clearly not wanting me to know. Selecting Request Information opened a thought log with an input area. I can ask any question pertaining to my past life. That sounds way too good to be true.

[1. Request Information.]

[ -- (Your Question Here) -- ]

[ Cost = (TBD) ]

[Select]

When I asked a question in my head, the form was filled out synchronously. In cooperation with the question area, the cost updated itself.

[1. Request Information.]

[ -- How can I easily defeat Legion? -- ]

[ Cost = 115SP ]

[Submit]

I place my hand on my chin to think about options. So, it uses my stats from back on Driscoll as currency. I guess I’ll have to drop my Spirit stat since it’s the only one I have more than 100 points in. How about possible unique skills?

[2. Unique Skills.]

[Language Learning Level 1: Remember everything learned when learning any language.] [Linked Minds Level 1: Communicate via telepathy with any party member.] [Polymorph – Good Boy! Level 1: Turns a willing friend into a puppy.]

“I could turn Masada into a puppy!” It took me a moment, but I quickly reasoned the negative aspects of the skill and judged it to be potentially useful, but not as important as knowing how to beat Legion. I mean, if he were a puppy, would he still weigh 1200lbs? It would be awful if he tried playing with some other puppy and squashed it into paste.

“I already have [Driscoll Linguistics], so [Language Learning] is out. The only potential use I can think of is maybe to understand elvish better, or like, maybe I could talk to monsters? I’m not getting any answers about the options, sadly.” It could be interesting to talk to goblins and the like. Meh, whatever.

“[Linked Minds] is out, for sure. The guild card skill [Message] already does this to a lesser extent. The information is the best option here, 10,000%.”

Just before I hit the [Submit] button mentally, Archy made me consider, “Are you sure about that? I mean, your next life will definitely not be the same as last time, so who knows if you’ll need that info again?”

I guess that’s why it’s, well, what I assume is, a low-cost option. “Na, I know I’ll need to help out the city. I can’t imagine anything I did would be what brought the flood about.”

Archy: “If you say so. Your time is also running out.”

He held up the infinity clock, which showed I had 8 infinities, more time than I had before. That doesn’t even… whatever. Yahweh said I shouldn’t worry about it. And just like that, the number dropped to 1 infinity left. “!?”

I quickly made the selection to drop my [Spirit] points into the scroll.

‘bling’

‘Legion is a hot of [Fallen Angel]s cast out of the earth by Jesus himself. As [Fallen Angel]s, Legion is an entirely incorporeal being. The reason you were unable to affect it is that [Fallen Angel]s have the racial skill [Disfortune] causing all physical or otherwise non-divine attacks to miss the target. [Fallen Angel]s can’t come into contact with the physical realm themselves, however, they can demonically influence the life force animating any physical thing. By possessing such a being, the host gains the racial skill [Disfortune]. You, as well as every living thing, are powerless to a [Fallen Angel]. The only one who can defeat them is Yahweh. The mere mention of his holy name or repetition of words given by Him will assuredly damage any [Fallen Angel], but their destruction is entirely reliant on His will. In accordance with his will, evil must remain for a time. Due to his nature of justice, making such an action is not an option. True justice is fair. Therefore, to destroy one evil would go against his nature. All evil must be judged at once, which would also condemn those who would otherwise be cleansed of their sins. For the sake of their souls, Yahweh endures the existence of evil until the appointed judgment day. Rather than destroy, the most effective goal for you would be to banish the [Fallen Angel]s to Tartarus with the power bestowed upon you by the Holy Spirit.’

I fell to my hands and knees, understanding that, of course, I need to rely on God’s strength, not my own. But then what do I do? Just pray?

Archy answered my small-minded question, “Just so you know, you actually do have access to Yahweh’s power. Worship should also do the trick.”

Me: “Ha… I don’t need a weapon; my God gives me power. That’s gotta be why I need to get the [-Bard-] class. How do I get a second class though? Malady said the second-class option doesn’t become available until Tr 8.”

Archy: “Oh I think you’re quite ready to begin, Sir Coon.”

The sheep-man motioned away from the scroll and once I turned away from it, I could hear a rustling sound from behind me. Auto-answer intuitively told me the scroll rolled back up while I followed Archy back to the entrance. Temptation to stay struck my mind like a hurricane at the first sight of the moon pie room. My soul instinctively meandered to the delicious treat, becoming engrossed in the wonders of heaven. Nexus Syndrome, huh? Ya know, maybe I should just stay. Why bother with the mortal toil when I could just stay here in paradise?

I’d fallen for the bait hook, line, and sinker. While I indulged in the sultry dessert, tears began to flow down my cheek. Spending more eternities in bliss with the moon pie made me want to share this experience with a certain Dark Elf maid. A vision of her giving me a smile and turning to walk away snapped me out of my impulse. Archy had been yelling at me the whole time without my noticing.

Archy: “You only have 1 eternity left! We won’t have enough time to get back to the Stairway to Heaven! Move, move, move, move!”

We rushed all the way back to the gate and when I fell asleep on the bed to get back to where we started, I woke up atop a huge mountain with only the torn suit on my back. It was a clear, starry night; all of the stars seemed significantly larger than the specs I could see on earth.

“It... Is... So... Cold!”

‘bling’

[Passive General Skill Learned: Harken]

Masada: "Kururu!"

Well, it's already off to a very different start.