Wenberheim, 180

Terry felt nothing but pity for me when I told him my fate.

Although I had begun opening up to Terry and Caerwyn of late, I now withdrew from them again. My thoughts were ever focused on unhappy things and mustering the will just to get through the day. I found no solace anywhere but in my lovely memories with my family and that bittersweet kiss Caerwyn had almost given me.

I hadn’t even seen him since he had taken me and Terry to the dress shop—he was too busy making preparations for the pilgrimage.

I thought about that almost-kiss often as I twisted the necklace he had given me in my hands… His breath on my face, his green eyes that were as deep as a forest, those… Dots—or freckles, as Terry had called them—on his face… Those lips an inch from mine...

Gods, the thought that I was being married to a prince with a cruel and violent reputation, and I would never feel the lips I truly wanted on mine was infuriating! I had lost one of two people who cared anything for me after so closely losing my family. My thoughts were ever turned darker and darker.

While I was cooking, I held a knife intently for a moment and stared at it silently. My hand was trembling as I thought about using it on my wrist.

Terry touched my shoulder and took the knife away from me. “Don’t give up, Princess. I’ll be with you. I’ve requested to be your personal guard and attendant in your new castle and I was approved by Leon and Caerwyn.”

I looked at him with appreciation. He was such a kind boy, and I didn’t want to let him down. I looked down. “And Caerwyn?”

“He’ll be gone for a few months, but I know he does wish to be one of your guards.” Terry replied.

I forced myself not to cry and nodded expressionlessly. “Thank you for coming with me, Terry. At least I’ll have one friend.”

Terry nodded as we continued preparing breakfast for the templars.

At the end of the week, the youngest prince, whose name was Paris, would come by the temple with a horse-drawn carriage and take me back to Nui where we would reside together. Until then, I would continue working in the temple.

I wasn’t looking forward to seeing my old, beloved kingdom destroyed. It was the thing I dreaded most. To live at the spot where my family had lived and loved me, and then died, was a devastating thought, indeed. It seemed as if life kept getting worse and worse for me, and I had no idea why I was made to suffer. There just seemed to be no good reason for it.

The only reason the moth gods could offer was that age-old concern of mine; that I was a passionless and vain woman and my whole family had paid the price for my errors. The human God offered a different explanation.

Perhaps there was a reason for this suffering--a lesson to be learned--that had not made itself known to me.

No matter how much I repented to either God—the human God through prayer and the moth gods through secretly offering my blood to them when humans weren’t looking—it did no good.

Still tied to my origins, I began to concede that I was woman with a black soul, in love with a human man, and had never had any great prospects for myself or my family other than selfish desires.

Yes…This was what I deserved for giving my affections to Caerwyn. It was against both our religions to love outside our species. It didn’t matter that we had neither kissed nor touched, the gods knew my thoughts and were punishing me for them. I only hoped Caerwyn’s God was kinder to him than mine were to me.

__

Before Caerwyn left on his pilgrimage, he visited me one more time in my room. We sat on my bed together in silence for a time.

He turned to me awkwardly and cleared his throat. “Princess, I am sorry about before…”

I didn’t meet his gaze. “Don’t apologize, I…”

I turned to him with tears in my eyes. “You have been my only friend other than Terry… I confess I have had thoughts about you that I shouldn’t--but I actually have reason, where you don’t. You are such a divine creature; you are strong, but you only use your strength in defense of the weak. For people like me… But you are such a gray creature! Creatures the gods have told me never to touch or love…!”

“Gray…?” Caerwyn asked.

“There are three important colors in my religion: White, black, and gray. White is the goodliest of things, black the evilest, and gray the worst. It is neither good nor evil, passionate or malevolent. It simply exists and sucks up resources… And yet, I cannot think of you as such. There are minor colors such as gold like your hair as well… That is the most beautiful color.” I reached out to touch his hair, and he looked at me with lovesick, green eyes—awaiting my touch—but flinched away with a tiny gasp.

He stood up with his back facing me. “Do you know why I came to rescue you?”

“No…” I replied, crying all the more that he should turn away from me.

“It is not just because my God has declared that we should defend all creatures of intelligence and treat them with respect. It is because I never had the chance to protect a woman before; I’ve never had the chance to be a knight instead of a templar. I wanted to shed my white cloak of purity and have the chance to protect someone other than a man. And when I saw you looking at me, pretending like you didn’t wish to be rescued but begging me so sweetly and innocently with your black eyes, I fell into them. From there, you have treated me as any other man despite knowing the worst thing about me. Indeed, you told me you thought me more competent than any other man!” He turned back to me then and placed his hands on either side of my hips on the bed, his lips coming close to mine once again.

But he took them away from me again at the last moment—the blackest of teases!—and he said. “But you are a beast, so everyone else says! And I shall betray the one God who has always looked after me if I touch your beastliness! You are the same temptation for me that I am for you!”

I looked down silently. Here was this white man, goodly and pure, adhering to his own vows and his religion, and here I was, caring not for mine. I wanted him, and I cared not what my religion, duty, or anyone else had to say about it.

Thankfully, he spared us both any unwanted actions and said to me. “I love you, and I shall love you all the rest of my days. But fear not for your sanctity, Princess, I shall never be tempted to touch you again. I only worry how Paris will treat you… I hate myself for leaving you with such a man…!”

“D-do not worry, Caerwyn… I can… I can take care of myself.” Not even I believed it.

“Perhaps you can tame him with your loveliness and sweetness…” Caerwyn suggested with those verdant eyes that seemed to hold some kind of paradise within them. “At least Terry will be there if he should try to hurt you…”

And Caerwyn made to leave, but I had one more thing to ask him, “Terry says you wish to be one of my guards… Is it true? Will you come to Nui once you’re done with your pilgrimage? Will you be my guard?”

Caerwyn looked at me intently and nodded. “I shall try to come as your knight, and nothing more.”

I watched him go with untold sadness. The one person I had left to love was gone from my life.