As if every fucking day in this body wasn't one escalated drama after another, there is the sea of Elven warriors was one of the few beings who could undo my curse and allow me to live the life I wanted. She was average height and had platinum blonde hair that fell in cascading ribbons down her shoulders covering her otherwise exposed form. Folded over her back were two enormous and beautiful jet-black wings. She wasn't what I would expect as an "angel" per se, but she had a holy, almost ethereal glow to her that erased any doubt from my mind.

Elves in similar robes to their blood mage counterparts circled the woman. One had a peculiar looking dagger in his hands and they began to chant something. We were currently too far away to hear them well from the balcony looking down.

I grabbed Leyara around the waist and hefted Ron's chunky ass under my arm and walked off the edge of the balcony. The fall was only 25 or 30 feet but the effect spoke volumes on the crowd. I looked like such a badass landing and lightly dropping Dog and Leyara. Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

The Elven warriors in front drew their swords and formed a semi-circle around us. The tension was thick as the mages continued to chant some foul sounding word things and the warriors didn't move an inch. I could have used one of Ron's ill-timed farts, but alas if I have any luck it's surely bad. I raised my voice to be heard over the resounding silence.

"H-Hi there. This is a bit of an awkward situation with the accidental death of old Velcro here. Call it wisdom or a forecast or what have you, but it occurs to me that this situation can escalate and go south very quickly. I wish to protect my good friend and dog here and that lovely Angel you have there. Do you think we could maybe make a trade or a truce or an armistice or something?"

A murmur rose from Elves and the semi-circle opened up in the back to reveal the late Lord’s wife, Rimelda Croshutes. Though I was about to find out that was not her true name. The soldiers all went to one knee in a militaristic bow.

"Even monsters know to bow before Royalty, no? Did they not teach manners at whatever graveyard you crawled out of rot flesh? My name is Rimelda von Vinitas the crown princess of Vinitak, the Elven kingdom.” That’s a new term.

I repeated my same bow from before for her late husband. Leyara continued to stand defiantly and Ron was lying down passing gas in his sleep. I made a sorry face as I stood up to make some kind of gesture for my companions.

“My apologies, I’m new to the area kind of and was unfamiliar with who is and isn’t royalty. Not to break ceremony or decorum or whatever, but I have urgent business with the Angel you have and I would very much like to make a trade or a donation or something to secure her safety and good…”

“SILENCE YOU INSOLENT WRETCH OF A CORPSE! A FILTHY MONSTER HAS NO RIGHT TO EVEN BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS I MUCH LESS SPEAK TO ME AND MAKE REQUESTS!”

The Elf princess with a chip on her shoulder took a deep breath before continuing. I gathered that she wasn’t much for patience.

“Let him see the Angel die before you collect his fangs and tongue.”

“There’s no need for that. I have plenty of money and even some invisibility potion. Let me secure her…”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU SICKEN ME YOU INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN FILTH! KILL HER NOW! KILL THE MUTT AFTER AND KEEP THE FELIORAN TRASH ALIVE BUT UNHARMED ISN’T NECESSARY.”

I had met some rude ladies in my previous life and even some with some real filthy mouths. There was this one lady at a popular fast-food restaurant that told me to "go and fuck myself until I died" after my drink had spilled on her shoe. It was an accident but this lady was a sensitive one.

Once again though I felt my anger coming on at the sound of threats on my companions. This Angel could have solved all of my problems and this rude Elf princess was raining on my parade. She wasn't looking to negotiate it turns out. I tried once more to talk it out.

“Can we do anything?”

Rimelda turned and looked at me with absolute venom in her eyes. She snapped her fingers and stepped to the side as one of the elven mages plunged the weird dagger into Angel's back. A beam of white light shot straight into the air and it slowly turned to black. The initial shockwave killed most of the surrounding mages. Do they have no regard for life?!

Tears of blood welled up as frustration shook me with a momentary loss of backbone. I just couldn't understand how fucked my life was all of a sudden. Living here for what seemed like forever and I was no closer to even realizing my dream in this new life I was forced into. I didn't even know what I was anymore. There was literal blood on my hands. Like living people and no matter much it felt good or natural in Vampir’s body, it still made my stomach heave.

The djinn like a form that rose out of the black column was a sight to behold. There was nothing left of the beautiful woman from before. He was made of pure black marble or what looked like polished volcanic rock. He was a full 25 feet tall with a black hollow where his eyes and mouth should be. The thing radiated a sinister red-black glow as it smiled and black drops of liquid fire fell to the ground.

I felt my consciousness begin to slip into madness and rage as the Archdemon began approaching. Leyara’s hand went into mine and gave a squeeze bringing me back. I remember how warm her hand was and as I thought of that warmth, one of Vampir’s memories cleared up for me.

“Raze!”

A wave of fire shot across the battlefield that engulfed the Elven warriors and the Archdemon. I never considered myself brave or a warrior or anything like that, but at this moment in time, I was going to punish these idiots. Murder, brainwashing, all of it was bad and I was in a unique position to carry out my brand of justice.

“Stay here and protect Leyara, Ron.”

“I can fight too M--, Yes Master.”

He ended his attempt at bravado and discussion as I looked at him. There was no hesitation or delay. I was going to do what Vampir wanted/did all the time. I drew my sword and strode into the first Elven warrior ranks. The muscle memory was ingrained into my body, even without knowing fully what I was doing, my body turned, parried, sliced, and reacted naturally to each oncoming blade and arrow.

A few mages tried to cast at me, but a full blast of power directed from my hand vaporized them before they could finish their chants. There were only about 100 of these Elves, and I made sure I kept track of how many were dead as I continued my onslaught. They put up quite a fight and their soldiers being lauded for training and dedication made sense. They probably would have been brilliant in a regular skirmish or battle, but this wasn't either of those. This was a symphony of terror and screams.

My sword cut through the air and Elves like a conductor's baton. Each scream of pain or terror just part of the melody and the flames that ate through living and dead alike was the harmony that brought it all together. The princess and her retinue of guards broke off into the forest outside the… Wait. Why isn’t it raining anymore?

My fleeting thoughts came back to me as a great weight seemed to have lifted itself from my body. I also lost feeling in my arm. Mainly, I had lost my entire left arm. Vampir was left-handed…

“Hoy give that back you wank! I was killing these elves!”

I wasn't sure why I developed a British accent here, but that wasn't the point. This guy who turned out to be a gal just took my arm off and it happened faster than I was comfortable with.

"You will be dying here, vampire!"

“I think you mean Vampir.”

The elven warrior was decked out in what looked like flexible plate mail. Her sword was a long-handled and long-bladed sword that left a faint blue after image when it moved. She threw the arm that held the sword to my feet.

“Pick it up and let me show you the might of the Vinitak army!”

“Why, I never! “

I picked up my arm and reattached it. I moved my shoulder joint to check that it still worked right. I steadied myself and prepared for the upcoming fight. The Elven warrior began brandishing her sword in a strange pattern. The blade curved and arced through the air creating a pattern of some kind. Then the blade disappeared altogether.

Shit, and I haven’t even got to the main attraction yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Vampir Darknaciel - (Shawn Mullins)

Date of Birth: Reign 23rd 3015

Race: Vampire (Human)

Hair: Black (Covered in Ash)

Eyes: Red (Sinisterly Sinister Glow)

Current value: 239.9 million Gold Coins, Approx. 149 trillion Gold Coins worth of Invisibility Potion, Resurrection Token

Magic Pocket: Pretty much one of everything (unverified), Journal of a Madman

Powers: Voice Mesmer, Animal Transmutation, Super Strength, Mach 3 Speed, Immunity, Kinesis (Psycho), Hissy Fit Vaporize, Derbegun (Cleaning Spell), Hemiowgun (Healing Spell), Stop (Time Spell), Dauntlet (Shadow Armor), Regeneration (Heightened after feeding), Raze (Sea of Fire)

Weaknesses: The Sun, Holy Water, Dog, Cries Blood, Leyara, Grave Box at Witch’s, Blood Rage, Marble Pillars, Missing Arms, Did you see how fucking big that Archdemon was?!

Strengths: Barfights, takes arrows to the chest like a champ, Digging Holes, Fungus House Demolition, Dog, Blood Rage, Chucking swords, Mach 3 Bitch Slap, Sword Fighting, British Accents