Kalie Rana

Before I had even realized, it had been several days since Valier’s show, and my argument with Lux. I had considered requesting some wine to help the days—and my poor mood—pass quicker, but the worst of my emotions saw to it that I was never more than a few hours from sleep.

A rasp at the door to my cabin brought me out of a stupor. “M’lady?” Maria’s voice was just barely louder than the howling winds buffeting against the planks.

“Come in.”

“I hope you are feeling better this morning, M'lady,” Maria said as she hurried in, pushed along by strong winds. I didn’t deem to answer her question as I was sure that how I looked served to be a better explanation than anything I could’ve said. “If you need anything, you know that all you must do is ask.”

“I do, thank you.” Maria nodded as she placed the tray of the same bland grey foods at my bedside again. As there hadn’t been since that night, there was no note from Lux to brighten up the tray. Some small part of my mind was sure that was for the best, as I couldn’t be sure as to how I would react seeing Lux’s sure strikes of handwriting.

“Mistress, just one more thing. I know you’re not feeling well, but the Grand Admiral has asked if there was anything that you could do about the typhoon?” When Maria first informed me a few days prior that a typhoon had been spotted along the horizon, moving parallel to the fleet, a part of me was happy. An end to my suffering at the hands of these feelings, was my first thought, but the luster of that thought quickly dulled.

“Is the ship in danger?”

“No M’lady, but one of the crewman was almost flung overboard when he—”

“Was it Lux?”

“No M’lady, to my knowledge, Mr. Anipinna hasn’t left the Admiral’s quarters in several days.”

“That’s too bad,” I said, turning away from her and the grey skied light coming through the small window on the door.

“If I may offer you some advice,” Maria said as she sat on the thin bedspread beside me, “if you’d like to speak with him, you would be more than in your rights to just walk up and do so.”

“I meant, it was too bad that it wasn’t Lux who almost went overboard.” I knew without even looking, what Maria’s expression was. I turned over to confirm my suspicion and hopefully calm her down before I was on the receiving end of her nagging, but instead of the maternal-like disappointment, all I was faced with was an expression I had never seen on her face before. There was something so unwell about how she looked. Her lips and eyes were twisted at their edges, and she looked like she was going to be sick to her stomach.

“I know better than to ask if you are okay, but I need to know, is there anything I can do to help?”

Jee-zus, how bad do I look?

“I’m sorry to worry you, but no, there isn’t.” I reached out to her hand, and she let me grasp it but her fingers were chilled and motionless in mine. “Honestly, why are you so worried about the matters of one maiden’s idiotic heart?”

“Because in my experience the matters of the heart aren’t universal. Not everyone has good fortune as you do M’lady.”

“This is good fortune?” Even though I withdrew my hand from hers, she didn’t move.

“I’d wager, yes. I’m happy with my station in life, your highness, so please do not misunderstand what I am about to say, but know this: I am extremely envious of these feelings you are having right now.”

“Envious? You are? I’m sorry, but has someone blinded you?”

“They haven’t, but trust me after getting eyefuls of the men aboard this ship, I have considered it,” Maria said with a laugh, “however, what you’re feeling doesn’t come along all the time. But hear me clearly, I’m not suggesting you settle for some idiotic man who would see you this upset and do nothing about it—if he’s that stupid, he’s not worthy of your time—I just want you to know that there is some merit in experienceing these kinds of feelings.”

“While I want to believe you, I can’t.”

“I know. But it’s hard to see the size of the storm when you’re in the center of it.” Another of my grandmother’s sayings. “There isn’t much to be done right now,” she leaned in close as she spoke, “other than to wait for the storm to finish washing over you. Then, when you’re ready, I think you’ll find that just the fact that you’ve been through something of this severity is something to celebrate in itself. I was wondering whether or not you were going to follow in my path, and in a way, I’m happy that you hadn’t.”

“Your path?”

“There are ways that are different from your own, and to each there is merit, but some are harder than others. Sadly, the path that I am on—half by choice, half by happenstance—isn’t one that is filled with many moments like the one you’re on your way through. But regardless, let this old maiden share a secret.”

“You aren’t old! You’re only a few years older than Joanna!” And truly ten years younger than me.

“Old at heart at least.” Maria’s warm smile brought back a little comfort to this cold, damp room.

“I’ll give you that, I guess.”

“Regardless, my advice: I’d wager that if you’re feeling this way, that there is something left unsaid, am I right?” I nodded in agreement, although I still had no clue what it was that I needed to say. “Then, I’d say that it may help you if you don’t leave it that way. According to the helmsman, we’re still a week or so away from Scuttleview on the mainland, which means you’ve still got time. And try not to pay too much mind for what may come after, just keep your focus on the now.”

“I don’t know if I want to speak with him after what he said to me.”

“Honestly, neither do I. It’s a precarious position that I am in; I want to protect you, but at the same time, you need to spread your wings. Either way, I cannot sit idly by and watch you like this. The best way for you to get through the storm is to start walking. Whether you say a single word or no words at all and just yell in his face, I think that it’ll help.”

“I think giving him a piece of my mind may be helpful.”

“I thought it would be as well.”

“But what if he’s right? Was I being improper?”

“Were you?” As Maria asked, I couldn’t help but feel like she was channelling the concern of a mother.

“I wasn’t! Valier and I just talked. Nothing more.”

“Then I’d say you have nothing to worry about. While Mr. Anipinna may have a point that things are different on the Mainland, you aren’t there just yet. I say that until you’ve arrived in the Ravencourt, you do as you think is right. Then, when you arrive you can worry about that then.” Satisfied by the smile that was growing on my lips, she stood. “I’ll leave you to decide what you would like to do next.” But, just before she reached the door, she stopped and spoke over her shoulder. “Now that I think about it however, you may need to wait a little while longer. As I have said, Mr. Anipinna hasn’t left the Admiral’s cabin in several days.”

I bit my lip as I watched her shift her weight from one foot to another. I knew better than to think she didn’t have her plans. But none-the-less, I couldn’t help but want to fall right into them.

“I hate to ask but could—” Before I could even finish my sentence, Maria interrupted me.

“I will be sure to send Mr. Anipinna to your cabin the moment he leaves the Admiral’s.” She continued on toward the door, with a lighter step, and a lilt in her voice.

“Thank you Maria. I’ll… I’ll try and get myself presentable.”

“All the better to stun him with your beauty before giving him what for!”

“Thank you again Maria.”

“Of course M’lady. I’ll be seeing you!” The lilt in her voice however, evaporated the moment she opened the door. “This damnedable wind!”

“I’ll see if I can do something about that!” I said, calling after her.

“Please do! I can only take so much of this!”

I tried to convince myself to get dressed to deal with the typhoon, but despite my raised spirits after speaking with Maria, I decided otherwise. Inside of my cabin, I began the arduous process of reaching out to the wind and sea spirits who were no doubt the cause of the problem. There rarely was a storm that wasn’t caused by one raucous spirit or another—especially on the Sea of Thorns.