Oh shit, this is weird, this is slimy, this is fucking creepy! What the hell am I covered in? Pigeon shit? What the hell is going on? Hey, ego what the hell did you do?

I was being blinded by the copious amount of light but I did feel all gooey, so I wasn't exactly thrilled to be born.

"You did it, honey! It's... a boy! It's a boy!" There was a very high-pitched voice, yet it clearly sounded like a man who was kicked in the nuts. Why do I know that? I kicked a lot of people in the nuts. Okay, while this situation spirals out into chaos while I can't see anything, I suppose I'll just sit down and listen.

"Oh... is... is he alright?" The effeminate sound came at a relief, I thought for a second that I had no mother and I would have to be raised by the guy who needs some snickers. She does sound tired, maybe even dying, huh, I guess childbirth can do that to some people.

After my bellybutton was tied up, it appeared that someone cared about the baby being slimy and wiped me with a towel. Is infant mortality really high in this world? Well, that doesn't really matter, since I can finally see! After five minutes and a bit of patience, the time has come!

"Huh, this is peculiar, he isn't crying." A woman was holding me, her short hair was pink and her cheeks pinker, it was needless to say it was a maid. How? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I think doctors don't wear black dresses with white decoration on them, unless they really suck at medical care.

"How does it feel to be born again?" Wait, this voice sounds like... a midget with insecurities. "I can hear your thoughts, y'know! Is that really how you think of me?"

What, do you prefer latent paedophile tendencies? I can call you that if you wish.

"My name is Flare, it will always be Flare!" Her voice had some grumbling in it, however she did eventually calm down in a matter of seconds. "So, how is it?"

Show me how to get my hands on booze as fast as possible without anyone noticing a baby drinking!

"I-I don't know how to do that! Besides, the only thing I can do now is show you your status!" Flare's voice nervously blurted out. Well, I figured that she wouldn't know, so it's time to head to the drawing board!

I'm still not even a day old, so I should try and do something more realistic.

Huh, show me my status then you pathetic excuse for a goddess.

"You... didn't have to be so rude about it." Flare sighed and before my very eyes appeared... a blue box. A blue box with information on it. Not only that, it's two-dimensional. I'm actually starting to have a bit of respect for her, this is pretty cool.

Name: Alfred Rathmore Species: Human with a touch of a goddess' soul Age: A little less than five minutes Status: Normal Level: 0 Titles: Incarnate of Flaryvna, Depressant of Gods, Faithlessness Skill Rankings: Skills Average class: Uncommon class: Rare class: Mega Rare class: Legendary class: Bottomless Digestion Deity class: Embody Flaryvna, Flaryvna's Fury, Wildfire Unrankable: Ultimatum Moves

Hey, Flaryvna, which is apparently your real name, since Bottomless Digestion is maybe my drinking skill, can I look at it in more detail?

Bottomless Digestion-Max:

Upon receiving the blessing

of the Goddess of Flames,

you have achieved the

ability know as

'Bottomless Digestion'

[Renders all damage and status

ailments of things eaten by

skill owner useless.

Allows skill owner to eat and drink

anything]

[Can also develop physical and

magical resistances and skills from eaten

things.]

I bursted out crying and everyone seemed to be pleased with that response, well the parents and the nurse do. Flaryvna sounds confused and I am crying out of realisation of what I've done. Or what this woman has done to me. I might as well yell at her!

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME YOU VILE WOMAN? I CAN'T GET INTOXICATED THANKS TO THIS SKILL! YOU HAVE ENTIRELY RUINED THE FUN PART OF LIVING!" Of course, what came out was baby's gibberish and I was handed over to my mother. Her looks were... pretty? I don't have any interest in appearance, I don't even know what my former friends looked like. My mother has green hair, it reached down to her buttocks and she was probably sitting on it. Her eyes were also green, I don't know if it'll run in the family.

"W-Wait, what about the deity skills and the ability of ultimate moves? What about those?" Flare tried to make it seem better, although she should know that I didn't even put thought into them.

"THE WHOLE THING I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO WAS GOING AROUND PISS-DRUNK AND DOING FUCK ALL! NOW I CAN ONLY HAVE HALF THE FUN! SERIOUSLY, KILL ME NOW! KILL ME NOW GODDESS, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" I screamed out, it just became more baby gibberish to anyone who wasn't some form of spirit.

"H-Hey, don't be so rash! There can be many more fun things to living... oh, yeah... you hate living. Uh... well... you see... I'm sure you won't develop the resistance!" Flare tried to reassure me but it wasn't even a good attempt. "I have an idea! I've gotten it! We should get you as drunk as you can as a child and hope you develop a title which makes you immune to developing alcohol resistances!"

"Wait, I can do that? Fuck yes! Okay, Flare, help me find the alcohol!" More gibberish came out, but this time my father was acting oddly suspicious.

Oh my, I have been too upset over the idea of not being able to get drunk to not even know my surroundings! Damn, it feels like being drunk.

I'm in a very... posh room. It has red ralls which are decorated with patterns and its base is wood. My mother is currently in bed with a blanket over her lower body and she's holding me as well. My father is standing there, besides her and the maid is getting ready to leave.

My father is a tall man, about six foot and his hair is similar to my mother's, it's green however his is like those cartoonish characters I saw on the internet, weirdly spiky. His eyes... are also green. This may be a stretch but my father and mother both have genes which are considered recessive and it doesn't seem likely they would meet someone else similar...

Well, if it's incest, I frankly want to die even more, unless I get that alcohol title.

"Ha, I might be a bit drowsy! It sounded like he said alcohol for a second!" Oh... I think he heard me, or he really wants to get drunk.

"Adrian, you really must be hearing things, a child wouldn't know of his own name not to mention alcohol!" The mother laughed, she seemed to be enjoying the situation and it was official that the maid had left.

"Well, I suppose you're right, Yvette..." he openly admitted he was wrong, even though he was right! If only he knew...

And after a few minutes of my mother playing around with me, I had fallen asleep. Which is really not that much of an odd thing considering I am a newborn infant.

A/N:

Oh lord... a baby who wants to drink himself to death.

Leave a comment, come on! I'm willing to converse.