Needless to say, the conversation with my parents went just as well as I’d imagined it would. Mother wasn’t against the idea of me dating a single girl, like Red, but she absolutely drew the line at me having two ladies in my life. And when Jewel tried to explain who she was – a Moonweaver and Red’s Lady – mother had heard enough!

Shoving the girls outside and slamming the door on them, she then grabbed me by the ear and spent the next half hour telling me how the rich would only use folks like us; they’d never care for us. We’re just playthings they use to pass the time, and we poor idiots should always remember that!

In the end, she said stuff she probably shouldn’t. I know I said stuff I shouldn’t have back. The final result ended up with me storming out, yelling I was never coming back, and dragging both girls away with me.

Not having any real place to go that evening, I pulled the girls to one of the older neighbor’s barns. Old man Corner’s wife had passed away several years back, and his children had their own farms and family to tend to, so nobody would be out to catch us trespassing.

As for old man Corner himself, he’d given up farming wife died, and now relied on the food and help his grandchildren carried over to him every few days to survive. He wasn’t very likely to come out and find us, and neither were his grandkids, as they just did the very least they could, before scurrying back to their own lives. I actually felt sorry for the old guy, myself. If my wife would’ve died first, I would’ve ended my days the same way.

The three of us sat silent for a long time in the dim barn. Both the girls snuggled up, but said nothing as they could tell I simply wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone after the blown-out, dragged-down fight I’d had with my mother. As the sky grew ever darker as time went by, so did my inner mood, until finally it was too much for even me.

“Get up ladies,” I told them, already marching towards the door. “We’re getting out of here.”

Neither said anything as they quickly rushed to catch up to the fast pace I was setting. Quickly covering the distance from the barn to the house, I rapped loudly on the door several times, then opened it. “Hey old man!” Striding on into the living room, I scanned all around.

“Whut da ‘ell?” Rubbing his hips, old man Corner came ambling in from a different room. “Tomas? Is that you?”

“Ya, it’s me,” I assured him. “This is Jewel and Red,” I pointed to the two girls off to the side. “I had a fight with mother, like the idiot I am, so we’re moving in here and staying with you for now.”

“Wait. What?” Old man Corner blinked several times and rubbed his ears as if he hadn’t understood me.

“We’re moving in,” I replied again, speaking a little slower to make certain my words were clear.

“Since when?” Walking unsteadily, old man Corner crossed the room and slowly lowered himself into a rocking chair. “Says who?”

“Since now, and says me,” I told him, going over to sit in one of his dusty old chairs. “You’ve got bedrooms you haven’t used upstairs, since the kids moved out. We’re going to use those.”

Wrinkling his nose up, old man Corner pulled a decrepit pipe from his shirt pocket and lit it. “Fine,” he finally muttered. Closing his eyes, he puffed away on his pipe, completely ignoring us.

Counting the matter as settled, I got up and stretched, feeling much better. “Red, Jewel, strip.” Smiling broadly, I commanded both girls. “There’s no need to ruin your clothes,” I told them, the corners of my mouth twitching slightly, “while you’re doing chores.”

Both of them blinked several times, while looking at me oddly.

“Red,” I continued, “you’re going to head upstairs, and clean the bedrooms. I doubt anyone has been up there and dusted them out proper in years, and we’re going to need a place to sleep tonight.”

“And Jewel, you’re going to scrub the kitchen so we can use it. The old well’s only a few dozen paces outside the kitchen door; you can’t miss it. After, head downstairs and check the shelves for some old cans of food we can eat for breakfast in the morning.”

“Me,” I told them, “I’m going outside to split some firewood before it gets too dark to see what I’m doing. We’ll need it for the stove in the kitchen in the morning.” Turning, I strode past them and towards the door, intent on getting to my own chores.

Silence filled the room as I left.

Sweat drenched and tired, the second moon was cresting the sky and the sun had completely set, before I went back into the house. Old man Corner was gone from the rocking chair, so I headed to the sounds of noise coming from the kitchen.

Seeing Jewel standing naked at the sink, scrubbing away at a huge stack of cups and plates, I walked over and wrapped my arms around her, gently cupping a breast in each hand. “How’d things go,” I asked, gently kissing her ear.

“I’ve got all the pots and pans clean,” she told me, giggling slightly. “I had a chance to talk to Roger. He seems like a pretty nice old man once you get to know him somewhat. He’s confused about you just barging in and moving upstairs though.”

“I just figured it’d be better than sneaking around and hiding in his barn for the next week,” I told her, laying me head down to rest on the back of her shoulder. “Besides, I thought the company might brighten his day somewhat. I figured it must get pretty lonely being here all alone…” My voice trailed off as I imagined myself in his place.

“Besides,” I reasoned, “if he really didn’t want us here, he could’ve just told us to get lost.”

“Unless he was just too scared to,” Jewel said. Stretching to place some plates in a nearby cabinet over her head, Jewel’s butt pressed tantalizingly against my swollen loins, causing me to moan slightly. I couldn’t help wondering how a noble lady such as her would react, if I took her up on her nonexistent offer. Taking a deep breath, I reluctantly let go of her, and moved to sit in one of the kitchen chairs. I needed distance between me and temptation.

“At Corner’s age, he’s no longer fearing death,” I assured Jewel, trying to stay focused on our conversation, while my imagination ravished her completely. “At his age, all he fears is dying alone and being forgotten.” I wonder if I was forgotten?

“I feel like I died alone and forgotten,” came Red’s voice, as she walked into the kitchens. “I was feeling sorry for Mi’Lady, ruining her hands doing dishes, but now I realize it was me that the Lord had sent into Hell. The demon bunnies of dust nearly devoured me whole!”

Looking at her appearance, I could almost believe her exaggerations as she deliberately rested one weary arm upon her head and staggered to flop in a rickety chair at the table. Layers of dust had settled in her hair, with her normally pale skin stained gray from grit. I could even see several strands of cobwebs scattered throughout her hair. She truly did appear almost as if she might’ve did battle with a dust devil.

“What happened to you,” I asked? “How the hell did you end up looking like that, while just airing out a few bedrooms?”

“I found the way up into the attic,” Red grinned, not elaborating any further.

“Well, get up,” I ordered, rising from my chair as well. Heading towards the kitchen door, I told her, “Follow me.”

Groaning as if she was dying from exhaustion, Red got up and stumbled after. “What are we doing?”

“Not we,” I corrected. “You. You’re getting a bath.”

“Oh! I’ll come too,” Jewel jumped at the chance, putting down her dishcloth and rushing to catch up.

“Sure thing.” I couldn’t help but grin a little evilishly to myself. I couldn’t help thinking the lady was going to be in for a rude life lesson. We weren’t heading to some fancy steamed bath for rich nobles to soak and enjoy themselves in. All I was going to do is draw sparklingly fresh – and utterly cold – water from the well, and dump it over Red’s head repeatedly until she was clean. Not that I minded doing the same thing for Jewel at all. Cold water pouring over a woman can do such interesting things to their body.

The next morning, we all awoke to our new lives at old man Corner’s. Even though both girls vigorously tried their best last night and this morning, I still didn’t see any improvement from “my condition”. I’m beginning to think this endless bulge might be Granny’s fault somehow, and not those girls. After all, just how much life could a few apprentices put in someone? They’re just apprentices!

And don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t enjoy Red’s and Jewel’s “deep throated kisses”; the issue is the way the endless bulge rubs all day long. It’s embarrassing. It gets sore. Men aren’t supposed to live like this! And worst of all – according to Granny -- I had to avoid all “fatherholes”, unless I wanted to start making babies in this world!

Stupid ass healer magic! I grumbled all morning as I helped the girls clean up the house.

At first, Red and Jewel started out cleaning upstairs dressed in only their birthing suits, but then they stumbled across an old hope chest full of women’s clothes. Jewel was now working in a single one piece sun dress, with several of the top buttons undone for her massive cleavage, while Red wore a white halter top and a loose gray skirt that covered her knees.

I don’t know if there’s a law against it, or just local customs, but I’ve never seen a woman wear pants in this world. No shorts either. Just skirts and dresses of various lengths – which is why Red didn’t have any leather pants when we went exploring the cave.

Either way, it’s just another thing I found odd with my new life – not really anything of importance as we worked. I suppose my only gripe is really missing the way pants can highlight a beautiful lady’s curves, but since neither Red or Jewel would stop me, that complaint was offset by how easy it is to reach a hand under a skirt. No matter how many times I flipped one up in passing, or caressed their bare skin, both girls just giggled and never once asked me to stop.

In some ways, I think my innocence is getting corrupted. I know my concentration is. Stupid ass healer magic, plus women who refuse to say no, equals a man struggling with endless temptation.

To escape my own inner torment, I finally left the house to the girls and devoted myself to chores outside. I cleaned the well, inside and out. I mended the steps at the porch. Split a lot of wood. Worked on the fence somewhat.

Over the next several days, I worked outside and the girls worked inside. Our basic routines were basically very simple: We’d wake. They’d try to drain me of excess life energy, then we’d all get dressed. We’d fix breakfast for old man Corner and me – the girls were never really hungry for some reason, according to them – and then we’d separate to do our own chores. Once nightfall descended, I’d head inside to eat a late supper and then we’d retire upstairs for the night, where the girls would take turns draining my excess life energy and teaching me to read the alphabet.

All in all, I can say I was living an utopian life. Full of love, lust, hard work, and a peaceful coexistence with the universe. Only my ever-growing guilt over how I’d treated my mother was darkening the horizon of my heart. On the fifth day after our fight, my conscience conquered over my worthless male pride, and I returned home, alone, to make amends.

I apologized. She apologized. I asked how she’d been. She said fine and asked how I’d been. It was walking on eggshells and I couldn’t stand it. I’m going to blame my overreaction on the stupid healer’s magic that was still coursing wildly in my body, causing my hormones to go out of whack, as I ended up breaking down and crying like a baby.

Mother held me and comforted me, and we finally discussed things like two adults who respect each other do. Mother hadn’t raised me to dally with the rich, and she couldn’t endorse a multi-amorous relationship. She’d respect my choices and how I choose to live my life, but I’d have to respect hers and not do it while under her roof.

I ended up packing most my things and taking them with me when I left, but there wasn’t the same foreboding sense of wrong hurtfulness following me out the door this time. Both the girls and I were welcome back to her home anytime – as long as we kept our behavior acceptable for public (for mother’s sensibilities moreso than the public’s, which generally didn’t care), and as long as Jewel didn’t, “tout her rich ass over anybody else’s”. We were even allowed to sleep there, just so long as the girls and I slept in different rooms.

Honestly, I thought it was an excellent compromise, but ultimately wasn’t one I could accept. It was time for me to spread my wings and fly my own life. I promised to come back and visit often, hugged her tightly several times after packing, and then went back to annoy old man Corner. For all his complaints about us wrecking his peaceful retirement, the twinkle returned to his eyes and color started to brighten his cheeks again – loneliness being just as heavy as guilt can be.

After the house was thoroughly cleaned and made livable again, and after we’d cleaned up the outside so it’d at least look respectful enough, we truly changed our schedules to take advantage of the extra free time. Red would teach me fighting in the mornings, while Jewel cooked breakfast. Then Jewel would use my hunting knife to scratch rough words on some of the firewood I’d split, and enhance my ever expanding reading ability.

We didn’t eat lunch – few laborers took time for it in this world, as they struggled to make use of as much daylight as possible – but we still paid close attention to the position of the sun in the sky. When the sun passed its zenith, Red would come join me and Jewel, and then we’d all go into the woods in the afternoon. I’d make the urban girls always get barefoot – and even completely naked sometimes, when I was confident nobody would see – just so they could adjust to the feeling of nature around them.

I’m not the world’s best hunter, but I worked hard to teach them everything I knew. I was teaching them how to be careful when moving to minimize contact with branches as they passed by. How to watch their steps to avoid breaking twigs and making unnecessary noise. I showed them the tracks and spore I knew, and pointed out all the plants, bushes, and trees that I knew to be either edible or poisonous.

As the sun got lower in the sky, the girls would get dressed and we’d return back, usually before the first moon had entered the horizon. Using the last of the daylight, we’d cook supper, clean up, and then go upstairs after old man Corner retired for the night. We’d finish the day with both girls feeding on my ever abundant bulge, and then always start it afresh the next morning doing the same.

By the end of the first month, I was convinced something was truly wrong. Granny had said the effect would fade within a few weeks, but even a full cycle of moon later, my problem hadn’t subsided once. In my old life, I remember their being a warning label on my little blue pills which read, “In case of an erection lasting more than four hours, you are screwed instead of your partner.” I might be paraphrasing it a little, but that’s what it basically meant!

And here I was, stuck with an endlessly bulging third leg, even after a full month! Absolutely knowing there wasn’t any way that could be healthy, I made a trip back into town with the girls to see Granny.

Arriving at town, things had changed once again. The sound of hammers banging away echoed in the air, and signs of new construction was all around. A new cobblestone road – much wider and smoother than the old one which used to run through town – had popped up seemingly overnight and encircled the whole overgrown forest.

Half a dozen buildings were being constructed along the outside of the road, by several scores of young men I’d never saw before. Granny’s apprentices scurried from worksite to worksite, carrying buckets of water, flirting outrageously with the workers. Hone seemed to be changing from small village to full fledged town almost overnight.

Not calling out to anyone, the girls and I bypassed the construction workers and headed into the forest. Making our way along a densely overgrown trail, We worked our way to Granny’s house just in time to hear the end of a lecture.

“Now Susan,” Granny asked calmly, holding a perfect skull up in her hand, “do you see why a person needs a skull? Look at how deflated One-eye’s face has became without one. Flesh alone isn’t enough to just hold shape for a human…”

La la la!! Sticking my fingers in my ears, I deliberately looked in a different direction. I sure as hell don’t want nightmares from seeing what she was describing. The words alone were already too much for my peace of mind. “I’m going to the sick room!” Half yelling to drown out whatever was being said, I rushed past the study room and into the same old sickroom.

“What’s the matter with ya, boy?” Young Granny came stomping into the sickroom a few moments later. Taking one long look at me, her annoyed scowl twitched up into a knowing smirk and she cackled gleefully. “Girls! Come here and have a look at this!”

As she moved into the room smirking from ear to ear, I just knew I was doomed. I must’ve developed testicular cancer or something and they were going to need to neuter me. I felt dizzy all at once and half stumbled trying to sit on the bed as three of her young apprentices came running into the room. “Yes, You I’m Granny? needed here us Granny. Granny?” All three were talking excitedly at the same time, forming an unintelligent blob of words I couldn’t comprehend.

“Take a good look at this one,” Granny chuckled, pointing to me. “You won’t see many like him, even if you live to be my age,” she warned them.

Staring, the blond with big boobs asked, “What’s wrong with him?”

“Easy,” the no-boobed brunette answered, “he’s anemic. You can see he’s pale, shakey, and appears disorientated.”

“I don’t think that’s it,” the tiny-tittied redhead argued. “If it was that simple, Granny wouldn’t have yelled for us to rush in here and leave our studies. It’s something rarer than a guy with no bones in his head, so I don’t believe we’ve learned this yet.”

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” I could tell, I was on the edge of crying. Apparently an endless boner is even worse than being boneless!

“Hold out your hand, boy.” Walking over, Granny held a scalpel in her right hand.

“Ummm…” Holding my trembling hand out palm down…

WHAAMM!!

“AAAHHHHHH!!” Granny had slammed the scalpel completely through the center of my hand.

“AAAHHHHHH!!” I repeated my scream, turning my hand sideways to see half the scalpel sticking out both sides of my palm.

“AAAHHHHHH!!” I repeated one more time, for good measure. Oddly enough, it really wasn’t hurting anymore.

“Aaahhhhhh??” Blinking stupidly, I couldn’t figure out why nobody else seemed the least bit shocked by her actions.

“Are you finished, boy?” Speaking calmly, Granny slowly petted me on the head like a puppy.

“Aaahhhhhh..” I answered, pitifully, slowly nodding my head up and down.

“As you can see,” Granny started explaining, “there’s no longer any blood being lost, and our patient – idiot though he may be – is no longer feeling any lingering effects of pain. There may be a slight discomfort, but no real issues with the injury otherwise now. Right, boy?” Granny looked at me for confirmation.

“No pain,” I told her, slowly trying to open and close my fingers on that hand. “No real discomfort either,” I corrected. “It’s really not bothering me much at all,” I admitted, in wonder, as I moved my hand left and right with the scalpel still prominently protruding from its center.

“What the hell’s wrong with me,” I asked?

“Not a damn thing, boy.” Granny cackled and then gently patted my head again. “In fact, it’s just the opposite. There’s too much right with you.”

“Too much right?” I didn’t understand a bit of what she was saying. “Can you fix me,” I asked, pleadingly.

“Can’t fix what’s not broken, boy,” Granny cackled merrily. “The seed of life has taken root in you, and blossomed into a full grown flower. There’s nothing to fix.”

Seed of life? Roots? Flowers? I didn’t understand anything. “Can you at least fix my dick?” I normally try not to be so vulgar, but my brain was too lost to think of any clever word for the problem.

“Just told ya,” Granny cackled, “you can’t fix what’s not broken.”

“Will you get me pregnant?” Big boob blondy’s sudden question left my jaw hanging open in utter shock. “Anytime – even right now – is fine to do it,” she assured me, pulling her white apprentice dress off over her head.

“No. No. No.” Pushing and shoving, Granny started shoving everyone else out of the room. Even Red and Jewel were forced to leave, as Granny locked the door behind them. “You can do that later, if you want,” she assured me. “For now, you have questions.”

“No need to even ask them,” Granny smirked. “I already know what they are. Let me explain.”

“Jewel is an ageless young woman. Her strength in magic is great enough that it will keep time from ravaging her youth,” Granny informed me plainly, as she sat down beside me on the bed.

“The younglings overused their gifts, overfilling you with life,” Granny reminded me – as if I could forget! “Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal,” Granny shrugged, “as you’d slowly leak out the energy and return to normal. You’d be energetic and frisky for a bit, but nature would take its course like a river overflowing with water; soon it returns to normal.”

“In your case, however, the young lady Jewel’s spirit tried to reach out towards yours for some odd reason. Perhaps she was truly grateful for you saving her,” Granny reasoned, shrugging her shoulders uncertainly, “but whatever the cause, her soul resonated with yours, feeding the energy instead.”

“The fire in your soul is self-sustaining now,” Granny smiled, brightly. “You’ve grown to become a self-healer. Unless something kills you completely, you’ll heal to restore yourself to how you are now – young, vibrant, and stiff.” Pointing to my loins, she cackled freely again.

“Stiff? Why stiff?” Basically, something happened to something, which changed something, and I became Wolverine – except I only had one claw to SNIICK with, and it was unretractable?!?

“Would you prefer if it healed and the other way was the normal state?” Granny asked, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

Eternally stiff or eternally limp… Why the hell didn’t any of the superheroes in the stories from my other life have these problems? I guess life can’t always mirror fantasy.

Sighing deeply, I tried to wrap my head around everything. “So why doesn’t this hurt?” I used my left hand to point to the scalpel in the right. “And why did I suddenly get an offer to rape that girl?”

“It doesn’t hurt because it’s already healed,” Granny smirked. “And I doubt you could ever rape that girl – though she might rape you if you’re uncareful!” Granny cackled so hard, she doubled over, and almost fell off the bed.

“She’s a youngling of Life,” Granny explained, once she finally straightened up a bit. “Her magic is life energy. You’re bubbling over with internal life essence. A child from the two of you would have the potential to be beyond great.”

“Nearly any healer would desire to have your offspring,” Granny warned me, serious as a tack for once. “Some would be willing to sell themselves into slavery for the chance, while others may be more than willing to force that role upon you. Best be careful, boy,” Granny cautioned. “You’ve got a long future ahead of you now. Watch not to end up trapped on the wrong path.”

“I will,” I promised solemnly, seeing how serious she was. “But one last question, please. What do I do about this?” Holding my hand up, I made certain she didn’t forget about her scalpel.

“It’s grown into the bone now,” Granny shrugged. Getting up, she went over to unlock the door. “Let the younglings fix it. It’ll be a good lesson for them.” Seeming completely unconcerned, she walked on out.

Damn woman! Even though my heart knew there wasn’t anything she could actually do for me now, my mind was struggling to make sense of all she’d said. As I got up and headed towards the door, I couldn’t help but wonder how you’d remove a scalpel from the bone.

Somehow, I didn’t think I’d like the answer.