Legcramp stared at his shaking hands in horror. For several seconds, the Apocalypse Goblin was speechless.

‘Did… did you just press every single button?’ the Goblin asked.

Legcramp gave a little nod.

‘Did you just press every single button, destroying Earth in every single timeline?’

Legcramp gave an apologetic shrug.

The Goblin waddled over and slumped into a nearby plastic folding chair in defeat. ‘As a deity of apocalypses, I would ordinarily be thrilled. This, however… This is a little extreme. Even for me.’

‘What now?’ Legcramp asked.

The Goblin thought for a short while. ‘When I was young, my father, who is also me as it would happen…’

‘What?’ said Legcramp.

‘Time travel junk, don’t worry about it,’ the Goblin said with a dismissive wave. ‘My father told me, My son, who is also me, never quit while you’re ahead. If you hit rock bottom, get out a drill and keep digging. You can never be too much of a scumbag. Come to think of it, that’s terrible advice for your current situation. Ignore everything I just said.’

‘I didn’t mean to press the buttons,’ Legcramp said. ‘It just… happened.’

The Goblin thought some more. ‘So you’re saying it was out of your control?’

‘That’s another way of saying what I just said, sure,’ said Legcramp.

The Goblin stood up and began to pace. ‘Back in the day, the Satanic Order had a backdoor of sorts into the minds of vampires, so you could all be controlled more efficiently. That backdoor was supposed to be closed once vampires earned their freedom. What if it wasn’t?’

Legcramp raised an eyebrow. ‘Are you saying Satan made me do it?’

The Goblin raised his stubby green hands. ‘I’m just saying, who else stands to gain from destroying every possible iteration of Earth?’

‘Mars?’

The Goblin waved the idea away. ‘Besides Mars.’

‘Mercury?’

‘Okay, fine,’ said the Goblin. ‘But who else?’

‘… Pallas?’

‘Okay, now you’re just being obtuse,’ the Goblin said. ‘It’s Satan. Satan made you press those buttons.’

Legcramp immediately felt better. ‘Well, that’s a weight off my chest, then.’

The Goblin glared at him. ‘No, this is not a good thing. There're eight hundred vampires in the Solar System. Even the weakest ones can crack a tectonic plate in half like a biscuit. Out of all the deities in the System, Satan is easily in the top forty of worst ones to own a small army of immortal, massively overpowered undead abominations. I might even go so far as to put him in the top thirty-five.’

‘So what?’ asked Legcramp. ‘He uses us to take over the Solar System. What changes? Mars is already a dictatorship. Earth is toast. Venus is virtually under his control already. Mercury is… Mercury. I don’t see what the problem is.’

‘That’s just Satan speaking through you,’ the Goblin said.

‘You can’t just say Satan is speaking through me whenever I say something you disagree with,’ Legcramp said, folding his arms.

‘Are you really twelve years old?’ the Goblin asked.

Legcramp puffed out his chest. ‘I’m very mature for my age.’

‘Arguable,’ the Goblin scoffed. ‘Anyway, I can’t let Satan ruin the Solar System, because that’s my job. I have this whole thing planned out. There’s gonna be floods, and fire, and battles, and, and… It’s gonna be amazing, okay? I took pointers from The Big AG back when I still worked with him. Now there’s a guy who knows a thing or two about apocalyptic floods.’

‘You’ve lost me,’ said Legcramp.

The Goblin sighed. ‘Here’s the deal, okay? We’re gonna go back to the Alpha timeline, we’re gonna give the score to the rest of your dumb vampire friends, and we’re all gonna hop to Venus and beat the snot out of Satan. The Big AG will rehire me for taking out his competitor, and I can destroy the Solar System in peace. Good plan?’

‘No, it’s—‘

‘Good plan.’

As the Apocalypse Goblin started to waddle over to the time machine which had been conveniently moved to the metal room when no one was looking, Legcramp stopped him.

‘Hold on,’ said Legcramp, gripping the Goblin’s surprisingly warm arm. ‘I have a better idea.’

‘You took quite the scenic route, but I see you’ve made it all the same,’ said the Apocalypse Goblin.

Legcramp turned back to the front. The Apocalypse Goblin stood beneath a giant array of hundreds of bright, red buttons.

‘I thought you…’ Legcramp began.

‘You thought I was dead?’ the Goblin chuckled. ‘Fool. I am a deity. The God of—‘

Before the Goblin could finish his line, a quad bike burst out of nowhere, with Legcramp and the Apocalypse Goblin riding it.

‘I’m you from one minute in the future!’ future Legcramp shouted at past Legcramp. ‘Don’t press any buttons!’

‘This isn’t going to work!’ said the future Goblin. ‘He’s being controlled! You’re being controlled!’

Another quad bike appeared out of thin air. Another Legcramp and Apocalypse Goblin were riding it. ‘Get him!’ shouted the other Goblin. The other Legcramp jumped off the quad bike and attempted to tackle past Legcramp, but was cut off by a quad bike popping out of nowhere, on which yet another Legcramp and Apocalypse Goblin rode. ‘There’s only one way out of this!’ the yet another Legcramp cried, before being punched in the face by a different Legcramp who had just appeared riding a quad bike with a different Apocalypse Goblin in tow. Suddenly, another quad bike burst of out of thin air. On it were another Legcramp and another Apocalypse Goblin. ‘Oh no,’ said the new Goblin, as another quad bike popped into existence and ran him over. Within fifteen seconds, there were about thirty different Legcramps and Apocalypse Goblins in the room, all engaging in an outright brawl.

‘I told you this was a bad idea,’ said the future Apocalypse Goblin. ‘See this mess? This is your fault.’

Before future Legcramp could reply, the future Goblin suddenly perked up. ‘Wait!’ he exclaimed. ‘I have an idea!’

With great effort, the future Goblin climbed atop a tower of quad bikes and bellowed to the crowd below, ‘STOP!’

All the Goblins stopped fighting, then elbowed their respective Legcramps to follow.

‘Instead of fighting each other because of some dumb plan Legcramp made up…’

Half the room murmured in disagreement.

‘… Why don’t we fight our mutual enemies together?’

The murmurs of the room became ones of consideration.

‘Nosebleed strengthened himself by absorbing his alternate selves,’ the future Goblin went on. ‘If all the Legcramps pooled their power into a single individual, we would be unstoppable.’

One of the Legcramps raised his hand. ‘Hi, Legcramp from thirty-three seconds in the future here. How, exactly, do we pool our power together? And who do we pool our power into? You’re presenting interesting concepts, but I find the details lacking.’

The future Apocalypse Goblin clapped his greasy goblin hands together. ‘I hear you loud and clear, unnaturally verbose Legcramp. To address your concerns, no one Legcramp standing here shall be the recipient of the power, unlike Noseblood. We will instead be creating an entirely new Legcramp, who is equal parts of all you, and yet more powerful than all of you put together.’

Murmurs of excitement came from the easily influenced crowd.

‘That’s right,’ the future Goblin said with a yellow-toothed grin. ‘I am about to teach you all the power of fusion.’