Elvenstead or Elfenstead or whatever dumb name the elves had picked out for it was a severely over-designed, gold-plated, tacky pile of trash, as their tour guide Lorelei had informed them. Lorelei, despite her young age of only one thousand and sixteen, was strangely worldly for an elf. In Neckbrace’s experience, the average elf couldn’t even point out the Sheol on a Venusian world map. As far as they were concerned, nothing existed outside their city walls. Lorelei’s perspective, however, had changed after an enlightening student exchange program with the Shattered Soul-Lands. She had stayed with a host family of soulless undead husks, bound to an eternity of servitude to the Demon King Satan. Her host family had been very welcoming to Lorelei, providing her with a wonderful journey of self-discovery and blood sacrifice. Lorelei had returned home to Elvenstead with a new outlook on life. Rendering her an outcast amongst the population. Lorelei had taken this in stride, priding herself on her life experiences that most elves lacked. In doing this, Lorelei had become quite insufferable.

‘So what happened to the husk that stayed with your family?’ Neckbrace asked.

Lorelei turned to look at her. ‘What do you mean?’

‘It was an exchange program wasn’t it?’ said Neckbrace. ‘You stayed with someone’s family, and someone stayed at yours.’

Lorelei laughed. ‘Oh yeah, him. He devoured my family’s souls and went on a rampage through the city. They still haven’t caught him, I think.’

‘Crikey,’ said Barry, who was sweating quite a lot from the heat despite his new immortal body. ‘That’s some bad luck right there.’

‘Not at all,’ Lorelei said with a smile. ‘I got adopted by the High Stakesman after that. Now I got the most badass vampire hunter in the Solar System for a dad.’

Neckbrace grimaced.

‘He won’t kill you,’ Lorelei said, rolling her sparkly elf eyes. ‘You’re collared.’

‘Who does he kill, then?’ Neckbrace asked.

‘He goes after the most dangerous vampires to keep the rest of them passive,’ Lorelei explained. ‘His latest target is this dude called Nosebleed. Man, vampire names are weird.’

‘Hey, I know that guy!’ Neckbrace said. ‘He’s on Earth.’

‘Thanks for the tip, sellout,’ Lorelei said with a chuckle.

Neckbrace didn’t like Lorelei very much.

Lorelei’s tour of Elfenstead was not what Neckbrace had been expecting. The city mostly consisted of massive golden spires, carved with intricate patterns and runes. Between the spires, magically floating platforms teemed with Venusian flowers and expensive-looking gazebos. The main streets floated too; silver brickwork connecting the spires and garden platforms in a precisely arranged grid. Lorelei didn’t lead the tour group through any of this. Instead, she took them down an elaborate array of stairs and magical elevators until they had arrived at what Neckbrace could only imagine was Elvenstead’s seedy underbelly. It was still an immaculate, gleaming faux-utopia, but just marginally less-so than the hovering streets above.

‘Hey, kid,’ said Neckbrace. ‘When are you gonna break us out of here?’

Lorelei feigned shock. ‘Who said I was gonna do that? Wait, did you think I was going to free you?’ Lorelei did that haughty anime laugh, to the annoyance of everyone. ‘No, no, no, my dear mosquito. I have much more interesting things planned for you.’

‘Boo!’ said Damo. ‘Inconsistent personality, boo!’

Lorelei scowled and used some elf magic to turn Damo into a slightly uglier version of himself.

‘Jokes on you,’ said the slightly more ugly Damo. ‘I already have no self-esteem!’

‘Oh yeah, soz for killin’ ya, mate,’ said Barry.

‘No worries, mate,’ said Damo. ‘Happens to the best of us.’

Lorelei sighed. ‘Whatever. Just keep following me and I might consider letting you go.’

Lorelei, whom Neckbrace had deduced was probably just very bored, eventually led the group to what appeared to be a bar, hidden down some almost-dirty-but-still-cleaner-than-any-city-on-Earth alleyway. The bar was tended by an elf who looked straight out of a boy band, but was probably some old grizzled, twenty-thousand year old veteran of the Green Tea Sea War.

‘Hey, Felamanamora,’ said Lorelei, waving to the bartender. ‘How’s that boy band coming along?’

Felamanamora glared at her, then pushed a button under the counter. The jukebox at the back of the bar swung open, revealing a hidden passage.

‘Don’t you want the password?’ Lorelei asked.

Felamanamora gestured at the passage in a way that said Get out of my sight.

Lorelei shrugged and waved for the group to follow her as she ducked through the passage. Most of the group ducked in after her, but Kim stayed put. Her gross slug form was vibrating in a way that it didn’t normally, and two strange lumps had appeared on her sticky green back.

‘Oi Kim,’ said Barry. ‘You comin’?’

‘Glarblelarbleglar,’ Kim replied.

Barry turned to the group. ‘Kim says she’s not feeling well,’ he said.

‘What if the Venusian atmosphere’s toxic for her kind or somethin’ Bazza?’ asked Jim. ‘Should we get ‘er a respirator?’

‘Yeah!’ said Damo. ‘She’s the heart and soul of the Ice Bag Gang! We ‘ave to help ‘er!’

‘Glarblelarbleglarbleglar,’ said Kim. Some kind of foul smelling mucus was pouring out her singular face-hole.

‘Kim says she’ll be fine,’ said Barry. ‘This is normal for ‘er species. I think.’

‘What is her species, anyway?’ Neckbrace asked. She had never seen anything like Kim before.

Barry and his crew all shrugged.

‘Are you people done?’ asked Lorelei.

‘Glarblelarble,’ said Kim.

‘Kim says to go on without ‘er,’ said Barry. ‘We’ll pick ‘er up on the way out.’

With the Kim situation settled, the group proceeded to follow Lorelei down the uncomfortably cramped passage.

The long, winding passage behind the jukebox led to a large underground basketball court that had been covered with folding chairs, tables and sleeping bags. Sitting around the court, slurping on blood bags and chatting about how much sunlight sucked, were several dozen vampires. Lorelei cast a quick spell and Neckbrace’s collar fell off.

‘Welcome to the abdomen tribe,’ she said.

Neckbrace was momentarily lost for words. ‘What… what is this?’

‘They settled too close to the city, so my dad wanted them gone,’ Lorelei explained. ‘I decided to take on the job to “prove myself” to him. What he didn’t know was that I actually smuggled the tribe into the city, and have been keeping them safe. He thinks they’re all dead, but they’ve been here all along.’

‘I don’t get it,’ said Neckbrace. ‘Why do this?’

Lorelei pulled down the collar of her dumb elf robes to reveal two small bite marks on her neck. ‘I got turned into a vampire on my exchange trip. Gotta look out for your own, right? My vampire name’s Largeintestine, by the by.’

‘Well, then,’ Neckbrace said, her opinion of Lorelei / Largeintestine slightly raised. ‘What do you want me for?’

Largeintestine grinned. ‘You’re gonna help me smuggle them out. They can’t stay in this place forever. Sooner or later my dad’s gonna realize they’re here. With your help, and the help of…’ she loosely gestured towards Barry and his crew. ‘… that. We can save them.’

Neckbrace thought for a moment, then nodded. Helping fellow vampires, plus escaping from Elvenstead? Sounded like a good deal to her. She only had one question.

‘Did you really need to pretend to be such an asshole up there?’

Largeintestine blinked. ‘Pretend?’