The Dome was not much of a dome at all. It was rather more of a non-Euclidian hyper-pyramid, the very sight of which would give Legcramp a wicked headache, were the collar around his neck not already providing such a service. In the centre of the supposed Dome was a floating platform of dirt with a quaint log cabin in the middle. Grass, flowers and even a tree or two grew from the platform, creating a lovely scene that was quite incongruent with the hulking undead nightmare standing beside the cabin. An agent with a clipboard and a name badge that read “485” stood under a tree, staring at the monster with a blank expression. 600, who had been demoted after the confrontation in the meeting room, cleared his throat, alerting 485 to his presence.

‘Ah, the wizards! You’re just in time!’ exclaimed 485, spinning on his heel to face them.

‘Vampires,’ Legcramp corrected, growing tired of all this talk about wizards.

‘What about them?’ said 485.

‘Listen,’ 600 interjected, ‘My break’s in two minutes and I’ve got a date in the torture dungeon, so I’m just gonna go ahead and leave these guys with you. Good? Good.’

With a cheery wave, Agent 600 stepped off the platform and phased through the Dome’s incomprehensible walls.

‘Well then,’ 485 said, enthusiastically clapping his hands. ‘Who’s first?’

Legcramp crossed his arms. ‘First for what?’ he asked.

‘First to destroy that…’ 485 gestured wildly at the undead monstrosity, ‘…thing.’

The creature, which eclipsed the cabin in height and seemed to be comprised of dozens of stitched together animal parts, gave an enigmatic thumbs up.

‘Is this is a test?’ Legcramp asked.

Agent 485 spat out a haughty laugh. ‘Oh, no! It’s just been here for weeks and we don’t know how to get rid of it. We stuck it in the Dome but then it built this cabin (which is not at all up to code) and it keeps giving us these weird thumbs ups and I don’t like it, so if you can just use your dumb wizard magic and blink this thing into the shadow realm, that’d be super.’

Legcramp stepped forward. ‘We’re not—‘

Armwrestle stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. ‘Don’t. Argue,’ she whispered. Her lips parted into an extremely disconcerting grin, baring her twisted fangs. ‘This is exactly what we’re made for.’

‘I’m not doing any human’s chores,’ Legcramp whispered back.

‘You know I can hear you, right?’ 485 said. ‘I’m right here.’

Legcramp growled. Not at anyone in particular, just at his own, highly annoying situation. He had pictured working with tacticians, raiding enemy bunkers, stopping illegal Antarctic snowmobile death races, speaking with generals, and general generals, and whatever was above that. Maybe that would still come. Maybe he would still get his opportunity to make his dream reality, but that maybe was in the future, and Legcramp hated the future. He wanted to be destroying humanity from the inside out now, not slapping some Frankensteinian jerk into the next dimension.

‘Do whatever you want,’ he told Armwrestle, ‘But don’t expect me to help.’

‘I’m just gonna go ahead and interject here,’ said 485, ‘I have a pouch of dust from the heat death of the universe on me, and if you don’t follow orders, I will throw it on you and it will probably kill you.’

The other vampire, Neckbrace, finally spoke up. ‘Is killing this monster guy an order?’

‘Nope,’ 485 said.

‘Cool.’ Neckbrace wandered off and sat under a tree.

Legcramp was about go after her with some questions when Armwrestle stopped him once more.

‘Don’t tell me you’re gonna join tree-nerd over there?’ she said.

‘I’m not fighting that thing, Wrestle,’ Legcramp said. ‘Especially not in this collar.’

Armwrestle’s eyes widened. ‘We’re VAMPIRES! We can PUNCH MOUNTAINS IN HALF! Don’t you see? We’re supposed to fight! This is why I joined the SEGSGFTSESGOTG! This is why I recruited you!’

Legcramp blinked. ‘I… I’m sorry, you joined the what?’

‘I don’t have time to explain basic acronyms to you, Cramp. I have a monster to kill.’

Legcramp shrugged. ‘Knock yourself out.’

While Armwrestle battled the creature with daggers made from her own ribs, Legcramp strolled over to the tree Neckbrace was resting under.

‘Hey,’ he said.

No reply.

‘Hey,’ he said, kicking her in the side.

Neckbrace jolted awake. ‘I’M AWAKE,’ she shouted. ‘I’m awake.’

‘Back at the introduction, you said you hated humanity,’ Legcramp said.

Neckbrace thought for a second. ‘… Yeah?’

‘You wanna help me start a nuclear apocalypse?’

Neckbrace thought for another second. ‘I’d rather go back to Venus.’

‘You’re from Venus?’

‘Born and raised.’

‘How is it there?’

‘Hot. High air pressure. Oceans of acid and green tea. Lots of demons.’

‘Sounds good.’

‘Yeah.’

Legcramp kicked her the side again. ‘Hey.’

‘Don’t do that,’ Neckbrace protested.

‘Wanna help me start a nuclear apocalypse? Wipe out humanity?’

‘I don’t—‘

Legcramp kicked her again. ‘Hey. Nuclear apocalypse.’

‘Stop kicking me.’

Legcramp kicked her again. ‘Wipe out humanity. Nuclear apocalypse.’

‘Stop—‘

Legcramp kicked her again. Neckbrace caught his ankle and swung him lightning-fast into the tree behind her. The tree cracked in half and toppled over, leaving Legcramp lying amongst the splinters. Meanwhile, the monster, which was still very much moving despite the many ribs lodged in its head, finally managed to slap Armwrestle with the full might of its lumpy, deformed hand. With a whining scream, the vampire shot off into the tessellating barrier of the Dome, and didn’t come back.

Agent 485 raised his eyebrows. ‘I guess that’s one wizard down. Either of you wanna give it a shot? If you’re not too busy gathering firewood and plotting the destruction of humanity, I mean.’

‘I’m good,’ Neckbrace said.

Legcramp groaned. His whole body throbbed and ached. Normally such a blow would barely tickle, but with the collar, things were different. So why, exactly, was Neckbrace still so strong?

‘Hey,’ said Neckbrace as she walked over and slammed her foot into Legcramp’s side. He roared in pain. It seemed humans weren’t going to be his only enemy.