First, it was Vestal. Then he had to hear the same things at each smithy. He didn't even bother to go into that last smithy and had Oslo do it for him. When Oslo came back less than five minutes later with a scowling face, shaking his head, Bellavarn could guess what transpired.

Now, not only was a long-time retainer defecting, Astor seemed to have it out for him.

Then there was those eyes cursing his existence.

And the reason for it all?

Bellavarn made a mistake.

I don't even know why I fell for Melody.

No. He knew. He remembered.

His hand reflectively hovered over his jacket pocket. Inside was a burnt piece of paper, barely salvageable.

The carriage bumped hard, causing Bellavarn to readjust himself. Kerv frowned and opened the door to ask what it was. Nem apologized saying it was a hidden pothole. The door closed—uncomfortable silence.

It had been so simple.

A piece of Bellavarn and Sallow had fallen for her. Even if it was mostly Bellavarn at that moment, it was inexplicable. Innocence and naivety. When the Bellavarn of Earth first woke up in a new body, he despaired. He didn't want to live. He wanted oblivion. He didn't wish for any of this.

Those first moments. I remember them.

Bellavarn had actually been conscious before Melody entered. He never told her about it.

It was only for three minutes.

=

Pain. Intense and unending. Swirling in blackness. Lost and cold.

A part of him could think.

Ah. So this is oblivion.

Without the pain, it would be nice. His life was over and now it was void. No direction. No light. Fitting.

*WHACK*

Something hit him so hard he spun end over end. The only indication of motion was an ingrained nausea. Maybe it was the pain, but he got the impression that some cosmic existence set Bellavarn's soul on a tee and whacked him as hard as it could.

He wanted to throw up to relieve the pain but was entirely unable.

Then he felt a pulling sensation. Not quite gravity.

Screaming, he hurdled through stardust. It felt like he was going warp speed and his atoms were splitting apart—eternity and not.

Landing.

"Oompf."

Bellavarn woke up in a cold sweat. The damp sheets clung to his skin.

"A nightmare?"

No. This wasn't his room. Not his sheets. Not his voice. His hands, unknown and unfamiliar. His skin was a shade too light. The absence of a freckle on the back of his left hand. Pristine and clean. No callouses from the hours of hard labor. His nails were trimmed instead of being picked down.

He ran over to the mirror.

"No."

It wasn't him. This isn't Bellavarn. Yet he was alive. Why was he alive? He wanted to die.

Take me back. I don't want to be here. Take me away!

He grabbed the nearest and sharpest object. A magical pen. Thrusting it at his throat, it stopped with a prick of pain.

The pain. It was real. Real. The pain was real.

Pain? More pain? Unending? I don't want to go back. No. No, no, no, nononono-NO!

The pen fell. Bellavarn stumbled back to the bed, sitting on its edge.

He didn't want to die. He never did. It was just so painful. He hated the pain he could never see. It passed through his skin and tore at his heart. The loss of his parents. Trying to survive and earn enough to eat. His efforts spat at. Giving up his passion and working dead-end jobs no one wanted. The love he thought he finally found turned out to be more hollow than death.

It ached—his heart. Bellavarn tried to claw it out, but it mocked him by hiding underneath his flesh.

All he ever wanted was to belong. To live. Not just survive. But fate was so cruel to him.

All he ever wanted was not to be alone. To not return home, greeted by silence and absence.

All he needed was an anchor—someone who cared.

A single person.

*Knock-Knock*

=

Drowning. The newly awaked Bellavarn had been grasping at straws and let himself get whisked away.

Still, there was a place in his heart for Melody. Sallow's first kiss. Bellavarn's anchor. There is no way that everything was a lie. If it was... then what did that make him.

"Not again."

"Bell."

"What?"

"You are clutching your heart."

Bellavarn came back to the present. Inside the carriage. He felt his hand scrunching up his coat. He released it along with the pained expression he wore. Kerv and Oslo sat across from him, looking at him with worried eyes. It only made the pain in his heart double.

My heart really is on my sleeve.

Bellavarn looked at the back of gloved hands. He could still imagine that freckle if he took them off. He didn't take his eyes off his hands as he spoke aloud.

"Do... do you remember your first love, Kerv?"

"I do."

Bellavarn brought his head up, searching.

"Does the pain ever go away?"

Kerv looked away. The answer was clear, but Kerv spoke anyway.

"I still remember her like yesterday. A fellow knight in training. She was fiery and ambitious, never mincing her words. She told me flat out it would never work between us. It didn't stop me from falling for her each time I saw her."

He was wistful as he genuinely smiled.

"She would always win when we sparred. Outdoing all the men, she was determined to make herself stand out, never settling for less than the best. She never slacked off, missed training, or took shortcuts. Eventually, I found myself following after her, running myself ragged to catch up to her. She told me if I could beat her, she would accept me."

Snow started to fall again as Bellavarn and Oslo listened. Buildings passed by less and less frequently.

"I stood next to her when we both graduated, second to only her. Never good enough. She walked away from me without ever looking back."

The pain was clear in the way Kerv paused.

"She joined the House Raiden as the Knight Commander. I joined the House Sallow as a guard."

Bellavarn never heard Kerv talk so openly about his past before.

"I won't lie, and you probably know by now, Bell. The pain never really goes away. It aches less often over time. Never quite as intense as before, but it can fester if you continue picking at it."

Bellavarn was quiet for a moment, and the others were content to stay like that if need be. Consequently, Bellavarn decided to let out his emotions because the silence was too much to bear. It reminded him of his death.

The closest thing to the truth.

He would tell it to the two people he trusted more than anyone. Who proved they cared.

"I was going to end it all... just before Melody came in."

Oslo's eyes went wide. The young master was... There was no indication.

Kerv withheld judgment and his words. Bellavarn respected his story, Kerv would do the same. Letting out the emotions was the only way not to go insane.

"The amnesia. Thrust in a new place. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to go back to before. As if it was all a dream, I tried to end it and wake up."

Bellavarn rubbed his neck, still feeling the pinprick.

"But the pain. It was real. I couldn't go back. It was unending and everlasting. I never want to feel that again. Never. I hate it. I wanted to live. I always wanted to live. To have a family. To love and be loved."

He sniffed and took a moment to prevent himself from breaking down completely. His voice was strained as he continued, the dam threatening to burst.

"I... I was so scared. To be alone again. In absence. With everyone around me gone. And that was when Melody knocked."

"I learned I had parents who loved me. They were alive and present in my life. But I was so afraid to go outside. I thought if I met them, they would figure out I wasn't really their son anymore. If they rejected me I wouldn't have been able to take it. I wanted to learn as much as I could without making them suspicious. Force them to accept me even if I had to work day in and day out."

"Melody was so supportive. She laughed as she taught me the difference between letters. When I was drowning in uncertainty, she was there. When I refused to leave my room for fear of rejection, she came in every day and spent time with me. Her smile lit up my life. It was just a week. Only a week. Only..."

The tears broke out and he sobbed. Unable to form proper words. He tried his best.

"She-she liked me. She did. I-I remember it! It wasn't fake. My feelings weren't fake."

He tried to control it, but it just made him a mess as he bent in on himself. His voice quivered, rising and falling in pitch irregularly. Kerv moved over and sat beside him. Bellavarn leaned over, sobbing and muttering nonsense. Kerv let him cry, and Oslo handed him his own handkerchief. The emotions that have been eating at him for over a month burst all at once. He didn't care if his voice was a mess. It was too late to condition his reaction.

"And then... And then... I was so worried. Scared."

"Mother. She didn't be___ me. No one believed."

"And now... And now... Still. They still... don't."

"Melody. Is-Is she safe? Why did she say those things?"

...

He felt broken. So broken and unstable. A fool. Naive. Idiotic. What was the truth? Was what he saw and experienced real? Or were her harsh words the bitter truth?

He worked so hard to get everyone at the mansion to like him. He tried his best. And it worked! But there were still people who didn't believe him. How could they know the truth when Bellavarn wasn't even sure of what happened.

The carriage wheeled along, pulled by two tired horses and a bundled up Nem. He sneezed, completely unaware of what was going on inside the insulated coach.

=

Oslo stepped out of the carriage first. Bellavarn and Kerv lingered inside when he requested they give him a moment to run an errand.

Back at the mansion, Oslo entered the front doors. The entryway was needlessly grand for his taste. He preferred the estate back up north. Less needless space. It only made maintaining the entire thing a nightmare for the maids.

Increasing his pace, he moved to a door connected to the entrance hall and knocked. A voice from within answered.

The atrium was a greenhouse with a large patio in the center. A round table sat on the patio; an umbrella propped up and shading the table.

Two sets of tea. Two women.

Both the same age, one had bright blond hair and was pregnant, the other had orange hair and was entirely unpregnant.

"Oslo? Is Bellavarn back?"

The Duchess called out, while bringing a cop of tea to her lips.

"Yes, but if I could speak with you privately for a moment, I don't wish to take you away from your guest."

The guest waved her hand.

"Don't mind me; I can occupy myself for a few minutes."

"Ah, apologies, Guinevere. I shall be back momentarily."

The Duchess set down her cup and stood gracefully. Moving over, Oslo ushered her out of the room for a moment. Closing the door, Oslo even moved away from it. Trisha began to get worried when then moved all the way over to the middle of the empty room. The Duchess whispered.

"This is obviously something you don't want to be overheard. Does it have to do with Bellavarn?"

"Our luck outside the mansion turned sour, and Bellavarn said some things that made me concerned."

"What happened? What did he say?"

Oslo shook his head.

"It is not my place to share a secret between men. I can talk about the business aspects later. Right now, you need to cancel whatever plans you have for setting up Bellavarn."

"What? Why? You can't not give me a reason, Oslo. You were gone for less than six hours."

Oslo bit his tongue, remembering Bellavarn's haunting words.

"Master Bellavarn hasn't fully recovered and isn't ready to meet someone new right now. It is unfortunate that you were meeting with Lady Wyre of all people. I assume you want to set up her daughter with master Bellavarn. I won't say you can't, but it needs to wait."

Trisha was silent, her eyes shifting, calculating.

"I was hoping for him to meet Lady Wyre. These rumors are spreading somehow, and I can't stop them. I wanted to assuage her fears by introducing Bellavarn. Is he that unwell? Is this because of Melody?"

"Mostly. His wounds are deeper than we ever thought. He's a strong kid, but don't mention anything to him. Are you able to push the date back at all?"

"Not without offending Lady Wyre."

"Bellavarn is in the right state of mind."

Trisha bit her nail. This is one of three occasions ever that Oslo was dictating terms. It was infuriating to be left out of the loop again, but she had no choice.

"Dammit! I shouldn't have been so eager. He seemed so well, and Braster was full of praise. I even called her over on short notice."

"I am sorry, Duchess."

"Don't Duchess me, Oslo. I know this is mostly my fault. I will take care of it. I expect you to fill me in on more later. I don't your secrets among men; you owe me an explanation."

Oslo bowed his head.

"I am in your debt. I will promise to explain what I can."

Trisha turned away, marching back into the guest room. Oslo watched her for a moment and then went back outside.

Bellavarn wasn't as alone as he thought he was. Until the moment he finally saw the staff's smiling faces, when he finally recognized Kerv being his best friend, and finally understood that his parents would never abandon him, Oslo would make sure to protect him.

Oslo would protect the young boy who ran up to him, waving a crude drawing, excited and full of life.

"We are here for you, Bellavarn."