Part 5

Even after the conversation, the awkward tension still remained. Something still felt a little off. Sure we had been awkward with each other in the past, but that would quickly translate into enjoyable and easygoing talks that would just naturally flow between us. Now, it’s hard just to even start a conversation, let alone hold one for very long.

It was too hard to talk after so much time passed, especially with how things ended. Her and I both knew that. Unless things change soon, it might stay like this for the rest of our lives.

“Hey, Xela,” I said, still looking into the sky.

“Yeah?”

“I think we need to talk.”

“What about?”

“We can’t just stand here and pretend like a whole year didn’t just pass without us talking to each other, or like nothing ever happened before you left.”

“Yeah, I know that already.”

“What the hell even happened? How did we go from slowly rekindling our friendship again to not hearing from each other for a whole year?”

“I don’t know. I guess it all started when I lied to you because I knew it’d be too hard to really say goodbye..That’s always been the difficult part of our friendship, being honest with each other and our feelings. Before I knew it, it was all gone.”

“There’s only one way to make up for the lost time then.”

“I guess there is.”

“We need to have a talk. Like the old times,” I suggested. “Except this time, we need to be honest. No more bullshit, no more excuses, no more lies.”

“This is our only option, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess I have no other choice then.”

Part 6

“For starters, how’s your love life been?” she asked first.

“Nonexistent.”

“Of course. Why would I even expect any other answer?”

“Fine, how about you then? You date someone new after Chad”

“Don’t say that name, and yes.”

“Really? What’s his name? Or her, I can’t assume. How far have you guys gone?”

“It’s just been a couple of small dates that have never gotten further than a second date. Nothing too big.”

“That doesn’t count.”

“Sure it does.”

“If that counts I’ve been on several dates too then.” I admitted.

“Oh really??? Tell me how you managed to do that, and how disastrous they exactly went.”

“Shut up, it wasn’t that bad. Or at least I think. Will and Rebekah and some of my other friends said they were concerned about my ‘relationship life’ and tried matchmaking me with some girls and made me go on dates I had no idea about until I even got there. They all went fine I think, but nothing ever really happened. It just didn’t feel right. Some of them were pretty cool though. I’m friends with a couple of them today.”

“Yeah I know what you mean. You get along with some of the people really well, but it just doesn't feel right.”

“You’re better off just being friends with them,” I said, with her nodding in agreement. With that, we feel into a short silence and enjoyed the atmosphere around us for a bit. It really was a nice night if you really admired it.

“How’s Toronto been?” I asked shortly after.

“Fine.”

“Is ‘fine’ all you really have to say? Less than two minutes into the whole ‘honesty’ thing and you’re already giving up?”

“Fuck, I forgot. That response is just wired into my brain,” she said before turning her head towards me and starting to think, “Uh, stuff was hard at first. It took time settling in and getting used to everything. Friends were an entirely other issue too. Since I moved to new city and everything, I knew really no one. It was the first time I had to really branch out and meet new people in order not to be lonely. It was hard at first, and I missed all my friends back in Fairbanks, but I knew I had to move on. I wasn’t really used to the ‘branching out and meeting new people’ concept, as friends just naturally came to me here so it was pretty hard to meet people at first. Honestly, I really wanted to call you at first. I needed someone to talk to not feel lonely. Eventually though, I just went out and met a really good group of people and many other friends. They’re all really cool people. I wish you and everyone else could all meet them, but I don’t think that’s exactly possible. Still though, things were hard at first, but now it’s great. Great city and every day is a lot of fun, but the work’s pretty tough.”

As she finished, I could see a big smile on her face, and a glow to her eyes I hadn’t seen much before. I could tell she was genuinely happy while she kept rambling on. She tries to hide it a lot, but she really does love talking about herself and her own life. She never gets many opportunities though, as she’s always dealing with other people’s problems or lives, and when anything personal comes up about her, she brushes it off. Seeing her smile again like this for the first time in a long time brought an accidental smile to my face, which she caught.

“What are you smiling for??”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” I said, brushing it off.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” she said quietly, pouting cutely. “Anyway, how have you been?”

“Good,” I answered almost automatically.

“What’d we just say?”

“Yeah, my bad. So, things have been pretty normal, honestly. Will and Rebekah are doing good. Chase and Alyssa started dating apparently.”

“WAIT? Chase and Alyssa from high school? Chase from your hockey team and Alyssa the girl that you randomly started talking to?”

“Yeah.”

“Woah, I did not see that coming. Anyway, continue. More about yourself.”

“Oh, okay. School’s been pretty hard, especially with having to balance it with hockey. I’ve barely had any free time this year. I’ve met some pretty cool people, and our small group with Will and Rebekah is still intact with Alyssa starting to get closer to all of us too. Even still, even with all these new people entering my life, I still felt lonely. As much as I hate to admit it, I missed you. After you left, I never stopped thinking about you. Every time somebody asked me about it, or whenever I thought about it myself, I would always deny it. But since we’re doing this whole honesty thing, I might as well spill everything out. Fuck it. Now that you’re here in front of me, I don’t care anymore. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. I missed you.”

Before I knew it, my mouth was running on its own. Shit. I said too much. I didn’t even know what I was saying myself.

“I missed you too,” she said quietly, slightly blushing.

“Fuck. I wasn’t supposed to say that. I guess I went a little too far. My bad.”

“Don’t worry about it. The whole purpose of this thing is to be honest with each other anyways.”

“Forget whatever I said.”

“You know I can’t just do that,” she said.

I couldn’t think of anything to reply with, so I instead remained silent. I made sure not to keep the silence too long though, as I knew that if I kept silent for too long, we’d be hearing nothing but the sound of crickets chirping for a long time.

“It wasn’t just me. We all missed you,” I said, this time in a lighter and more relaxed tone.

“I’m sure they did just fine without me. Everyone seems to be happy and doing well. Besides you, of course.”

“Me? I’ve never been better in my life. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Were you not just saying how much you missed me and how you couldn’t stop thinking about me literally two minutes ago?”

“I told you to forget about that!”

“Like I would actually forget,” she said with a smirk on her face. Quickly enough, we were back to normal.

“Don’t act like I didn’t hear you say the ‘I missed you too’ right after.”

“Did I say that? No clue what you’re saying. Maybe you drank a bit too much tonight.”

“I heard what I heard. My ears don’t lie.”

“Maybe you were hallucinating? We should get you checked out by a doctor immediately. You probably hit your head too hard during the hockey game.”

“Just admit it, you missed me.”

“Not until you admit that you missed me first.”

“I’m not admitting shit.”

“Fine, I’m not admitting anything either then,” she said childishly

“You say it first, then I’ll admit it.”

“No, I’m not saying it first. You’re just gonna scam me and not fulfil your part of the deal.”

“I won’t as long as you say it first.”

“Why should I be the one to say it first? You man up and say it.”

“No, what the fuck? Why do you want me to say it so bad? You should be the one to say it first if you care so much.”

“Fine, I guess I just won’t say it then,” she said.

“Fine,” I said, as we both just grinned and looked at each other.

“You see what I mean when I say our hardest part is being honest with each other?”

“Yeah. Let’s just keep it this way though. It wouldn’t be the same if we were always just telling each other what’s always on our minds or what we really feel all the time. Neither of us are used to saying that stuff around other people, so there’s no need to force it out of each other when we’re together.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she agreed. “Let’s just keep it as it is then.”

Part 7

The next 20 minutes consisted of Xela and I talking. After our previous conversation, this one became much easier. We talked about anything, ranging from the past NHL season to the anime we watched in the past year and giving each other suggestions. It really did feel like back then. We were slowly bonding over our common interests again and talking about other topics too stupid or too uncomfortable to talk to anyone else with. The longer I kept talking to her, the more I remembered just how much I missed her here.

She said she’s here for a week-long vacation before she has to go back to Toronto. A lot of her friends are spending the break with their families at home, so she figured she’d come back to check up on all her friends and the city.

Our conversation was cut short by one of our old friends from high school telling us to come in and party with him. Reluctantly, we decided to end our conversation and come back inside.

Xela headed straight to the huge living room where mostly everyone was, while I instead went to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of soda.

In the kitchen, I was greeted by Alyssa, who too was pouring herself a glass of soda. With the exception of Alyssa, the kitchen was completely empty of people.

“Why are you here?” she asked in confusion.

“It’s a long story. I don’t feel like explaining.”

“Have you seen her yet? She’s back.”

“Yeah, I was just talking to her.”

“Wait, really? How’d it go?”

“Fine,” I answered.

“What’s ‘fine’? Give me more to work with.”

“Caught up on the last year. Talked about stuff.”

“You don’t always have to be so secretive.”

“I gave you my answer, what more do you want from me?”

“Fine, I won’t ask any more about it. I’ll just say this though. You already let her go once. You’re lucky enough for her to be back again, for however long it will be. Whatever decision you make now, you better not regret it later on.”

“I already know what I’m gonna do.”

“Reconsider before you let her slip away again.”

“I didn’t even say anything…”

“I’ve known you long enough to know what that ‘decision’ is. I’m telling you, you don’t have many more chances left. It’s pretty obvious already that you like her and I’m pretty sure she likes you too.”

“It’s been a whole year.”

“Most people just don’t ‘move on’ after only a year. Unless she says she’s interested or dating someone else I don’t think she’s just ‘moved on’ already.”

“She said she’s not.”

“Perfect. You two like each other and have liked each other since forever. Why can’t you just get together already?” she asked.

“No one’s said anything about anyone liking anyone. Either way, it’s not that simple. It doesn’t just work like that.”

“It is that simple.”

“No it’s not.”

“Whatever,” she sighed. “You two are too complicated. I guess I’ll just let you be.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“If you say so.”

“By the way, I saw your boyfriend earlier here today,” I said, changing the subject. “He looked like he was having a lot of fun.”

She laughed a bit, causing her to almost spit out the soda in her mouth. “Yeah, pray he makes it out alive tonight.”

“You didn’t think about helping him?” I asked sarcastically.

“Of course I did. But it was funny, so I decided not to help.”

“A bunch of drunk hockey-playing idiots going crazy and doing the stupidest shit imaginable is funny to you?”

“Yes, but what’s funnier is watching Chase try to deal with it all.”

“What a good girlfriend you are.”

“You’d do the same in my position.”

“Doesn’t change that you’re still evil.”

“True.”

Part 8

Suddenly, the door to the kitchen opened, and we saw Will rush in as fast as he could.

“There you are Johnny! Come out here now! You won’t believe what’s going on.”

“Huh?” I asked in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“Just come here. You won’t get it until you see it.”

Reluctantly, I left the kitchen with Alyssa and followed Will into the living room. We were immediately greeted by screaming. A lot of screaming. Screaming mainly coming from Xela.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Somehow, in the 10 minutes I was gone, she managed to already get drunk and proceeded to join the stupidity with the rest of my hockey team.

“Hey, I gotta drive Rebekah back home. You take care of her from here. I’ll see you later Johnny,” Will said before walking out the door with Rebekah.

Alyssa and I kept watching everyone else do things my creativity couldn’t even come up with from the side of the room. We watched as she joined the boys in lifting the vase up and down like the fucking Stanley Cup as they were before, doing push-ups in the room randomly for no reason at all, trying to toboggan down the stairs with a carpet they found on the floor, flipping through all the TV channels as fast as they could for no reason at all, and fighting inanimate objects. That was only some of the things they did. They were doing nothing harmful, but nothing that made any sense at all. All the while, Chase was trying to control all of them while they each went off and did their own thing.

Alyssa and I just stood there watching still. She was right. It was fun watching.

“How long have they been at it now?” I asked Alyssa.

“They’ve been like that for hours now. Xela just joined recently though.”

“You’ve just been watching them do this the whole night?”

“I’ve been socializing and talking to familiar faces every now and then, but for the most part, this has been my source of entertainment tonight.”

I couldn’t blame her. Watching Chase trying to deal with everyone and everything by himself was very amusing to watch, as cruel as it sounded. Now he has 1 more idiot to watch over.

Shortly after, Xela spotted Alyssa and I and we made straight eye contact. This put a smile on Xela’s face and started drunkenly approaching us with a can of beer in her hand.

“There you are Johnnyyy, I’ve been looking all over for you!” she slurred.

“I think that’s enough drinking for you tonight,” I said, trying to snatch the can of beer out of her hand, which she easily avoided by moving her hand away.

“Oh hey Alyssaaa,” she directed her attention towards her. “Haven’t seen you in a while! Why don’t you come have some fun with me since this boring loser isn’t?!”

“No, I’m good. Not drinking tonight, sorry,” Alyssa responded back.

“Well, we can all have fun without drinking righttt???” she asked both of us.

Alyssa and I looked at each other for a second and both agreed. She just wanted to have some fun at a party and we weren’t gonna drink. It was completely harmless.

We first started with beer pong. Except Alyssa and I didn’t drink. Since she and I couldn’t drink, we were put on separate teams and our teammates who could were forced to drink everything. I was paired with Xela and Alyssa was paired with one of our other friends from high school who happened to be at the party, Nico.

Turns out, Nico happens to be a God at beer pong. Even with a few drinks in his system, he nailed almost every shot and made Xela pay for it. Alyssa wasn’t too bad either, knocking down a good amount of her shots too.

Needless to say, Xela and I were terrible. She was probably too drunk to aim while I was just straight out terrible and missed almost all my shots. In total, after 2 rounds, we had gotten a combined 3 balls in. Nico and Alyssa obviously won both rounds, even sweeping us in one of them.

The games mainly consisted of Xela and I blaming each other and arguing about whose fault it is before I realized she was too drunk to even know what she was saying. All the while, Alyssa and Nico were constantly laughing at us while nailing their shots.

As if Xela wasn’t already drunk enough, after this game, she was even drunker. When we all agreed enough was enough and Xela couldn’t drink anymore, we decided to call it quits.

We continued to play fun party games together which required less drinking. We all had a lot of fun, and even though Xela was very much drunk, I admittedly still enjoyed spending time with her again.

I checked my phone and saw that it was getting late. People had already started heading out. We all said our goodbyes and I agreed to take Xela home since I was still sober and there’s no way Xela’s getting home herself in the state she’s in.

“But Johnyyyy, I don’t wanna leave yet! Let’s stay for a bit longer! I was having a lot of fun!” she said as we were heading out the door.

“No, I think you’ve already had enough to drink for tonight. It’s getting pretty late too. You’re going home.”

“You’re never any fun! You didn’t even have one sippy sippy tonight! You should just let loose sometimes and have a bit of fun!"

“If I had a sippy sippy tonight, who’d take you home?”

“Huh, I never thought about that. Smart Johnny, smart!”

Not long after, we reached my car parked not too far away from the house. I helped her get into the backseat, and we were on the road.

Halfway through the car ride to her house, Xela said she needed to pee so I stopped over at a local McDonald’s and let her pee.

A couple of minutes later, I see her walking out of the McDonald’s with a guilty-looking smile on her face. She managed to get into the backseat and put on her seatbelt before deciding to speak.

“Hey, Johnny,” she said guiltily.

“What?”

“I have a funny little story to tell you,” she giggled. “So… I was using the washroom and then I checked my pockets and realized… my keys aren’t there.”

I was very close to losing it.

“Do you happen to have any idea where they are?” I asked, trying my best to keep my composure.

“I think I may or may not have left that back at the party,” she started laughing.

My hands were over my face thinking about how she couldn’t get any stupider than she already is, while she kept laughing in the backseat. FUCK.

“We can’t go back for them now. The owner probably closed up already, and even if they didn’t it could take hours trying to find them.”

“Oops.”

I was only left with one choice left now.

“Fuck it, you’re staying at my house overnight,” I said, starting to drive out of the McDonald’s parking lot.

“But what if you-”

“Shut up, I don’t want to do anything to you, you dumb idiot.”

“Okay, fair enough,” she said, starting to laugh even more now.

I had to start driving in the opposite direction since my house was on the other side of the town. The house the party was held at was located in between me and Xela’s houses, and up until now, we were driving toward Xela’s house.

So really, I had been driving in the opposite direction for 10 minutes just for Xela to go pee at a McDonald’s..

Part 9

I was tired.

I was ready to just go to bed and start sleeping once I got home. But, I knew I couldn’t do that. Instead, I had to take care of the idiot currently in my backseat.

She was somehow able to walk properly on her own so I went ahead and opened the door to our house.

As soon as we got in, Hailee was across from us, grabbing something from the fridge for what was probably a midnight snack. Her attention directed to us and made eye contact with both Xela and I. She initially had a look of surprise and shock on her face, which then turned into a smile.

“Hailee??? Is that you?? I haven’t seen you in foreverrrr,” Xela slurred before walking over to Hailee and giving her a hug.

“Is she drunk?” Hailee asked me, still smiling while returning the hug Xela was giving her.

“Long story. I’ll explain tomorrow.”

“Can’t wait to hear it,” she said as she released her hug with Xela. “I’ll leave you two at it now,” she winked.

She grabbed a pack of yogurt, said good night to Xela, and headed back to her room.

Now that Hailee was gone, I was left all alone with Xela.

“Johnnyyy, let’s play a game!” she said excitedly.

“I think it’s time for you to go to bed now. You’ve done a lot today already.”

“You’re no fun!”

“You’ve said that to me once already tonight. Try coming up with something more original.”

“You’re boring!” she said instead this time.

“Ouch. That one just hurt,” I said sarcastically. Meanwhile, I was looking for the extra blanket and pillow we kept somewhere around the house. After a few minutes of searching, I found them and tossed them to Xela who was already lying on the couch.

She had by then settled down and looked as if she was ready to go to sleep. She quickly set up her bed and looked comfortable enough to sleep just fine.

“If you need anything, I’ll be in my room. Just guess and go in one and see if I’m there or not.”

Just as I was about to turn off the lights and leave, her voice stopped me. “Wait, Johnny,” she said more seriously, however the drunkness still apparent in her voice.

“Yeah?”

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Just save it for tomorrow. Good ni-”

“I still-”

A long, silent pause then followed. She didn’t manage to complete her sentence.

“Never mind,” she then managed to say after a while.

She still had a smile on her face, but her eyes had a rather sad and depressing look to them as opposed to the bright and cheerful ones she had before.

“Good night,” I said as I turned off the lights.

“Good night.”

She didn’t have to finish her sentence for me to know what the last two words were. I’m not stupid.

Alyssa was right. We both liked each other. After so much time, I wasn’t sure if this was the case anymore, but I guess it still is.

Where she was wrong though, is that because of this, we can just start dating. Little does she know, it’s not that simple.

I love talking to Xela. There’s nothing in the world I love more than doing so. We’ve been through quite a bit together too. We know each other well enough without us having to talk about ourselves.

Even so, we still can’t be together.

In around a week, she’ll be going back to Toronto. Long-distance doesn’t work. With both of our busy schedules, it’s hard for both of us to find time for each other. Sure, we’ll be able to text or call each other once in a while, but how is that different from the friendship we already have? She’d be tied down by me instead of searching for opportunities for something real.

It just wouldn’t work.

Xela knows this too. That’s why she didn’t bother confessing when she was sober, nor when she was drunk. That’s why she was sad when she nearly confessed. She knew as well as I knew that it wouldn’t have changed a thing. That it would’ve just hurt the both of us more, knowing we could be something great, but can’t.

There’s not much else to do anymore than to keep going down our own separate paths and grow as human beings in the process. The most we can do now is to support each other along the way while not getting too involved. Our paths had already crossed, but they weren’t meant to stay together forever.