Friday December 13, 2019

“Oops my bad, dude. I must have mistook you for someone else.”

Yeah. That’s all the explanation Death left me after my life was inexplicably cut short. I was spending a cold dreary winter morning, the only kind upstate New York seems to have these days, reading from my cell phone. I lounged against the backboard of my unmade bed and perused the ebook version of Gibbons history of the Roman Empire. I had gotten to the point where Cicero denounced Catiline in front of the whole senate when my vision faded to white and I found myself standing alone in some sort of cavern.

I noted a few things:

First; I still held my phone. It’s not that great. Like many other places, AT&T has no signal in purgatory. But, it was a start.

Second; Thankfully, I wasn’t standing there naked. It seems like I arrived with everything I left with, so to speak. Along with the before-mentioned cell phone, I still wore the same clothes I had when I left the mortal coil behind: plaid boxers, navy Bills t-shirt with a hole under one arm, and one (not two) sock.

Eventually, Death showed up, gave his lame non-apology and asked me to wait for just one minute. Presumably, for time to go out and kill the correct Adam Wilkeson. That was eleven hours ago. O, How far Death, will you continue to trample on my patience? Good grief, I’m taking a nap.

???? – Not entirely sure how time works out here – Second Log Entry

On reflection, those reading my account might want more details on the appearance of the visible personification of death. Well, think of a Grim Repo-man and you’ve more or less got it. Death is still a skeleton, as depicted in gothic artwork, but apparently traded in the black cowl and scythe for blue coveralls and a clipboard.

Purgatory is a pretty weird place too. I previously described it as a wide cavern. And that’s technically true, but it isn’t like any cavern seen on Earth. There are no walls. Imagine the famous Hypostyle hall in ancient Karnak temple where there are 134 columns placed in a grid. Purgatory is like that except the columns are joined stalactite and stalagmite and they go on to infinity. The environment is downright eerie. There is a definite ambient light, but no visible source. I’ve spent a good amount of time searching for shadows and haven’t found a single one. The place is devoid of color and everything is slightly distorted like heat waves rising from pavement.

Abigail, the junior Angel who finally found me wandering alone, explained that people didn’t typically spend much time here. After all, purgatory is more of a waiting room than a long-term residence. Usually, most are sent off to their appropriate afterlife fairly quickly. Death must have just been really busy and forgot about me. Jerk.

Basically, there was good news and bad:

The bad news was, I’m dead. I had only fifteen minutes for my soul to get back to my body before things became irreversible and Death never came back to fix me. So that’s that. Abby was sincerely apologetic about the whole situation. She insisted, “This sort of thing doesn’t really happen very often.”

Rules being what they were, she also couldn’t reveal precisely how much life I still had allotted. But whatever was left seemed substantial enough that she secured a slot for me to live in another mortal reality. That was the good news. I guess.

Originally, I asked for a parallel version of Earth. I figured it would provide a good environment where my knowledge of the past could reap some benefit, but it turns out that was impossible. Abby said something about needing a relatively thin veil for her magic to recreate my body and stuff the soul back inside.

Still, First impressions of my new home were pretty positive. Unlike the one I left, it was springtime in my new world. Abby dropped me off in a grassy meadow surrounded by tall and stately elms and maples. A stream of cold clear water ran nearby. Shaded in blue and purple, I saw a distant range of mountains.

The angel wasn’t so bad either. Now that we left the mirage-distorted cavern, I finally got a good look at her. Dare I say, she was kinda cute. No wings, because she was still only a junior angel, but she had a button nose with freckles and braided copper colored hair draped over one shoulder.

Abby pointed out the direction of the nearest settlement and said she’d check up on me now and again. With that, I was alone. I breathed deep, savored the fresh air and scent of berries on the wind. I had a new world to tame and explore.

Day 1

Recall when the Angel showed me the way to the nearest settlement? Well, shortly after she left, I ventured out to meet my new neighbors. There were several pressing reasons to find them. Getting properly attired was high on my list of priorities. I still wore only boxers and a t-shirt. Abby cryptically told me that level of dress was fairly normal in this part of the world, but I still wanted to see if I could get something more suitable to the outdoors.

Secondly I wanted some variety for food. Sure the meadow was pretty bountiful with bushes full of plump deep purple berries. They looked and tasted a bit like blackberries so I’ll call them blackberries. Although, I vaguely remember back in my world, those wouldn’t be in season during the spring. Whatever, they are both edible and delicious, but if I could trade for some source of protein that would be nice too.

Lastly, I was simply curious. Everything about my situation was new and novel and meeting new people excited me. That more than any other reason pushed me to set off towards the settlement.

Despite being barefoot, walking through the meadow was incredible. The cover of lush green grass and clover felt cool between my toes. It got harder to walk when I entered the forest, but the ground was still soft and there weren’t many rocks or sticks so it wasn’t too hard and I made good time.

What I found deep in the woods wasn’t at all what I expected. I caught glimpses of a low ridge of mossy granite through the trees and my trek brought me to the first cave. Cave was a somewhat generous description. Really, it was a simple depression eroded out of the rock from some long vanished stream. Mud, broken tree branches and other bits of brush were leaned against the rock face to complete the den’s structure. I got a good look at one of the inhabitants by the entrance. He wore a hide loincloth and scratched behind one ear… scratched with his leg.

Did I mention my neighbors were Gnolls? Abby sure as heck didn’t. Also known as dog men, they don’t seem to get much taller than human children (Although it’s hard to tell due to how they’d always stoop over), they are dirty, furred with several variations of coat colors and patterns, and wolf-like snouts with fangs.

Because I’m naïve and trusting, I walked out in the open and attempted to communicate. Within seconds, a dozen more of the critters surged out of the den and made chase. I bolted back into the forest and used some high tech weapons (sticks and rocks) to fend them off. Luckily, they didn’t pursue me any farther and I made my way back to the meadow to take stock of the situation.

My basic situation is, I’m starting with nothing. My neighbors aren’t going to offer any help. Since they are presumably nocturnal, there is a high probability that I’ll be hunted and eaten when the sun sets. I have no shelter, only berries and water for sustenance. Also, I’m still in my underwear. This is not going to end well.