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Chapter 13: Revisiting the Past

The room as we entered was completely dark. I suddenly felt the panic I had felt before and then all of sudden I was assaulted magic that sent a mixture of memories and delusions into my mind.

It was my first day of kindergarten sitting in the bright yellow chairs and desks the walls seemed to be awash with different colors that mixed in with each and flowed into each other. We had come to everyone introducing their name. When it finally arrived to me a sudden fear passed through I stumbled my introduction,

“M-M-My n-n-name is C-c-c-lover. M-m-meet y-y-ou t-t-o n-n-n-ice. No I mean Nice meet to you!”

The sheer inadequacy of that statement sent a rod of shame straight through my heart. It even hurt now as I recalled it. I tried to recover but the damage was done, at first it was a single person, and then like a wave of sickness it spread to everyone. Even the kindly old teacher, had turned into some demon winged siren who screamed so high pitch it hurt my ears. Everyone was laughing at me and there was no way I could stop it. It all entered my heart, invading it little by little, probing at any weakness shown and capitalizing on it.

As it got progressively louder and louder I noticed everyone was turning into dark monstrous shadows who screeched like demons. These abomination were converging on me like an unstoppable tidal wave, all of them laughing at me; I wanted to hide, shut myself away from it all. I wanted to be alone, by myself, unwanted, unloved, unremembered. I curled up into a ball and tried to shut the whole world around me. But it kept getting louder and louder, and more and more impossible to ignore, each sneer, laughter and insult edged closer and closer hitting me at every weakness I had tried to hide before. It seemed to know my every doubt, uncertainty and insecurity.

Why was this happening to me?

Why did I have to go through this all again?

Why did I deserve this?

Why should I live again?

What’s the point?

There nothing here for me anymore?

Life will continue to repeat itself and I will be in the same situation…

At this point the demons had started converging on me, I noticed my dead parents had appeared and had started surrounding me, they were sneering, laughing, calling me names and calling out my greatest fears,

“You are useless!”

“You are a waste of space!”

“You could be replaced by a monkey!”

“You bring shame to our family!”

“You should never have been born!”

“You should just die already!”

As the crashing waves of hopelessness invaded my heart and I felt all hope was lost I heard a voice. A pure golden voice that cut through the black, the evil, the fears and reached me.

“CLOVER! CLOVER! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! CLOVER TALK TO ME.”

I was suddenly shunted out of my delusions and back to reality. There was Emi holding me to her breast trying to get to me as I was edged closer and closer over the cliff of complete hopelessness. The shining light had shone through and blasted away the little evils that had lurked in my heart. The unknowns, the evils, the little monsters that lurk inside all of us. They hide waiting until you are at your weakest and jump out at you. They take no prisoners and have no sympathies. The little monsters called “fear.”

Fear, that was the answer to man’s greatest weakness. I held onto Emi as I tried to recover from the ordeal. She did not resist and let me stay there. I did not know for how long all I knew was that her warmth warmed my heart and made me understand of the demons inside of me. The fear that is within us all, the fear of the unknown, the fear that screams out us, holding us back, limiting us, questioning us, always lurking never dead but always hidden.

I mustered I could say at that point and whispered, “Thanks Emi.”

“I’ll always be there for you.” She replied back tightening her embrace on me, “Whenever you want to hug I’ll always be here for you. You understand?”

“Yes Emi, thank you.”

The embrace lasted for what seemed like an eternity. But I did not want to release as it was the safety that I had always wanted and never had. Being able to rely on someone was something I had not experienced before. Being able to have someone by your side and be able to let go of your insecurities felt so great.

When we finally let go I finally was ready to accept what I had denied all along, all this time I had kept thinking it was some childish feeling that was because of some insecurity I had felt in my previous life. But I knew it was different now. It was night and day from my original wish of companionship it was a feeling that seemed to overcome any hesitation, any fear, any fragility I had before.

As we stood up, I saw Emi in a different light than I had seen her before. I cared for her and really cherished what she had done to for me and accepted me for who I was. It was a feeling like no other having someone who would always be there for me.

With almost a silent understanding she gave me a nod and smiled. Knowing she supported me and my answer, I had no regret when finally voiced out the answer I had worked out through the nightmarish situation I had just faced.

I spoke it out, “Fear, is man’s greatest weakness.”

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