Unfortunately at some point I passed out. I woke up when I slammed onto my back on the floor of my cell and the top corpse came with me. I hadn’t been expecting it, and my visitor knocked the breath out of me and I thought the falling body was an attack at first. I thrashed violently to get off of my back, and stabbed the corpse at least twice before I realized what had happened. I shoved the body away and used the wall to lever myself up into a sitting position, feeling half dead.

“Congratulations, Julia. You have managed to complete the task, Battle for Elwitch Ford.”

“Eat a bag of dicks, the D. I’m pretty sure I have some broken ribs, I can’t see shit out of my right eye, I’ve got a fat lip and maybe a concussion. I need medical care.”

“A health boost is available for only two thousand points.”

I pictured it in my head, imagining a little cardboard box with some band aids and neosporin, maybe aspirin too if they were feeling generous. I was literally caked in mud and shit at this point and infection seemed like a real threat so I flopped my hand weakly in the air. “Do it then, give me the health thing.”

Nothing happened except I noticed a lack of pain when I took my next breath, and a second later I blinked and looked around the room. My field of vision had returned to normal and a cautious hand confirmed the swelling in my face was down. I rose completely to my feet and tried moving around a little. It was amazing how much better it felt with all the bruises gone. I could still feel the crust of dried blood on my skin though, and I grimaced.

“How many points do I have left after buying that?”

“34,250 points are available.”

“What the hell, D. You said the task was worth 50,000. I finished the task, where the fuck are the rest of my points?”

“The task is worth up to 50,000. High score so far in that scenario belongs to Itso Higa, an elderly gentleman from Okinawa who racked up 43 kills before making it to the edge of the battlefield mounted on a stolen horse and managed to elude pursuit until sundown. Your score was respectable but not worth the entire bonus. You did perform much better than the oddsmakers predicted, however,so congratulations, Julia.”

“Arrrggghh” I couldn’t express the level of frustration his smarmy mansplaining voice engendered in me, so I settled for a wordless scream before I walked over to strip the clothes off the corpse who came into the cell with me. As I worked I was able to calm down enough to think rationally and I asked the obvious question. “The D, not that I’m complaining, but why did the dead guy come with me this time?”

“His body was on top of yours. You were in effect carrying him when you passed through the portal. Do you wish to eject him from your cell?”

“After I finish stripping the body please.”

A handle grew out from where it had sat flush in the wall, and a small door like you’d see in a night deposit box materialized on the wall in front of me. It even had the word refuse tastefully engraved just below the handle.

“Place unwanted items or bodies in the refuse chute and they will be disposed of. Please keep in mind, all such disposals are permanent.”

I walked over and pulled the door open to look inside. Vague thoughts of escape were percolating through my mind until I crouched down and looked in and saw nothing. Not dark, or a dead end, but literally looked out into nothing. I gave a shiver and let the door swing shut again. I’d drop my visitor in just to keep the smell away but other than that I didn’t plan to have much to do with that door. After a few minutes of struggling I had a pair of leather boots with a hole in one sole that were much too big for me. There was a blue cotton blouse with two shiny brass buttons that apparently were sewn on as decorations and not to fasten the clothing. A leather hat with a big flat metal skullcap inside it that I guess was some sort of helmet was next. Best of all trousers that looked small enough they might actually fit me sort of but were in dire need of cleaning were my last find. I dragged the donors stiffening body over to the refuse chute and after a brief struggle managed to have the cell all to myself again.

I felt hale and hearty after the medical boost, but I still reeked of blood, death, and my own body odor. I peeled the grimy negligee off and dropped it onto the floor. “Okay, the D. Plumbing still costs 25,000 right? Pull the trigger, I want it.”

“There are several options available now that you have accessed sufficient points to operate the store. Are you sure you wish to spend the majority of your points on plumbing?”

“Do any of the other options get me out of this stupid fucking game or give me some other way to quit smelling like a fucking wookie?”

“Primarily at this point players are encouraged to purchase gear they believe will help them succeed in later tasks.”

“Uh-huh, well this player wants a shower and a way to wash my clothes. Give me the plumbing.”

There was a barely audible whining sound and one wall of the cell started to slide back. It was eerie because it looked like the cinderblocks in the corner were just growing and dividing rather than one wall sliding past another. I didn’t focus on it too closely, because my eyes were riveted on a porcelain toilet, a pedestal sink, and a stand up shower that seemed to materialize from the retreating wall before it stopped. I grinned and walked forward to check it out. I hadn’t quite made it all the way when the smile started to fade.

“Hey, the D. I’m seeing a marked lack of toilet paper or soap with my new bathroom.”

“Such amenities are available in the store, but it will be a separate purchase.”

I frowned but didn’t say anything in response. There was stuff to be done first. Since I was already filthy from head to toe I took the opportunity to gather up all the foul clothing and drop it in the floor of the shower stall. I even used the soldier’s shirt to wipe up the bits of gore that had wound up on the floor and wall when I was disposing of my visitor. After that I turned on the water as hot as I could stand it and stepped into the shower.

There was great water pressure and plenty of heat, so I took a few minutes to myself just standing there letting the water beat down on me. I might have even cried for a while or maybe that was just the water running down my cheeks. Eventually I focused on doing the best I could to wash the nastiness out of my hair and get myself clean. When I felt human again I switched my attention to the clothes on the floor. Holding them up and rubbing them together under the hot water would never replace a Maytag, but after 20 minutes or so everything was as clean as I felt like I would be able to get it and I shut off the shower. There was no towel, and not even a shower door to hang the clothes up on. I wrung the water out as much as possible, then settled for draping a few over the bathroom sink and stretching the rest out on the floor to dry. I tried wringing my hair out as well, but without a towel to wrap it in and without shampoo or conditioner, I knew I was going to look frightful when it dried. I walked back over to the piles of lingerie by the bed and slipped on a pair of panties so at least I wouldn’t feel naked, then layed down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

“Okay, D. Time for a talk. First off, how long before I am absolutely required to take on another task?”

“You are allowed one eight hour rest period between tasks, however additional time can be purchased in the store.”

“How much is it?”

“You have insufficient funds at this time.”

“Okay, what do I have the points for?”

“You have 9,250 points remaining. This is sufficient to purchase several different items or amenities for the housing units.”

“What’s the difference between an item and an amenity?”

“Only items can pass through the portal. Amenities must be consumed or remain in the housing unit.”

“I assume the housing unit is my cell.” The AI didn’t respond to that one and I fell silent, trying to think about what I wanted. It seemed like each one of these tasks involved fighting so the answer was obvious. “Can I buy a gun from the store?”

“Certainly, there is an extremely generous selection of firearms to choose from. Several of which you could afford with your current point reserve.”

That sounded too easy so I looked for the loophole. “And is ammunition available for the firearms?”

“Of course.” He sounded cheerful to say it, and I waited a beat before my follow up question.

“Is a firearm an amenity or an item?”

“An amenity.”

I stuck my tongue out at the ceiling, glad these bastards hadn’t fooled me with that one. I thought for a little while longer before trying a different tack. “Can you tell me anything about upcoming tasks, even in general?”

“All tasks in this game are centered on the Kingdom civil war and navigating Kingdom society until you reach the 5th task and unlock story mode. That is the entirety of the information I am able to provide at this time.”

“And story mode is . . .”

“Story mode is unlocked after completion of the 5th task. That is the entirety of the information I am able to provide at this time.”

“I think somebody bumped your record there, the D.” He didn’t respond so I tried to come at it from the other side. “Can you make recommendations on what I should buy?”

:”Most players focus on purchasing gear they believe will help them to survive.”

“Oh, well that’s not vague at all. Let me rephrase. What gear is most commonly purchased by other players at this point.”

“Statistically, the three most common purchases after successful completion of the second task are medical kits, firearms, and clothing.”

Once again he answered me with completely useless information and I sighed. It seemed like I’d gone the wrong way, so I tried a complete 180. “What are three of the least common items that were purchased?”

“Several items have been purchased by only a single individual, please refine your question.”

I shrugged even though for all I knew the AI couldn’t see me. “Extrapolate or something, the D. Pick the three most unusual, or statistically unlikely items. What do you have?”

“Those three items would be a dalmatian puppy, an inflatable kayak, and a carburetor for a 1927 Indian motorcycle.”

That was just weird, and part of me wondered if the puppy counted as an item or an amenity but I dismissed the concern. Instead I tried a shortcut to beat the system. “Hey, the D. Can you warn me anytime something I’m about to buy counts as an amenity instead of an item?”

“I can provide that distinction.”

“Do that then. If clothes are still a thousand xp a piece, give me a size medium sports bra.” It would be nice to move around without flopping, and I would still have plenty of points left afterwards. My life couldn’t be that easy though.

“Items containing elastic are all classified as amenities. Only period appropriate technology is allowed through the portal.”

I sighed, but then had an idea and perked back up. This wouldn’t be the first time I’d ever worn a bandeau.

“I want a silk scarf, as wide and long as possible.”

“There is a selection of colors to choose from, Julia.”

“Give me one in a deep green then, maybe along the line of Notre Dame’s logo.”

A mass of silk fluttered down to the end of the bed just like that and I grinned. For the most part this had been pure hell, but the shopping beat even Amazon. There were a ton of other things I wanted, but I decided to try pricing a weapon first.

“How much for a 21 inch asp?”

“You no longer have sufficient points for such a purpose.”

I thought about the dalmation puppy that had been mentioned earlier and hesitated. “Um, to be clear I’m asking for the collapsible baton, not the poisonous snake.”

“In that case, a 21 inch asp is available for 4,000 points.”

In a world of swords and axes I figured a weapon I knew how to use was better than a more dangerous weapon I’d never touched before. Since an asp apparently made it through the technology restriction somehow, it offered up a better alternative though. I’d spent hours with a side handled baton during the academy, and even though now I’d just started training with a bokken during aikido I knew I didn’t have enough skill to trust my life to a sword. A side handled baton was just the ticket. “How much for a PR24, but still a collapsible one?”

“Please specify wooden or metal.”

I didn’t even know they made collapsible wooden batons. I tried to picture how it would work in my head and I couldn’t come up with anything that would stand up to a substantial impact so I shrugged. “Metal”

“6,500 points.”

“I’ll take it.” I had to snatch my feet up higher into the bed before the baton thumped down on the mattress. Apparently there were risks to instant shopping as well. I glowered up at the ceiling as I cautiously extended my legs back out. “How much do I have left?”

“1,750 points remain to be spent.”

That made it easy. I was running low on points and I needed footwear. There was no way my visitor’s rundown boots would fit me. “I want a pair of Addidas crosstrainers in my size, pink if they’re available.”

“That item would qualify as an amenity.”

I mentally called bullshit. They would let in a collapsible metal baton, machined by a CNC with microscopic tolerances and a spring steel retainer in the middle, but not a pair of tennis shoes? The technology filter was oddly arbitrary and I bared my teeth at the ceiling. “You are a real d bag, the D. What kind of footwear is available and counts as an item?”

“Period footwear includes handsewn boots, sandals, slippers, and a type of lace up shoe closely analogous to a mocassin.”

“I’ll go with a pair of boots then.”

“Riding boots, work boots, something formal for evening wear? Please be more specific.”

“Uh, I want something sturdy and comfortable to walk in, but give me a low heel, maybe an inch or so, ¾ calf in a neutral color, say black or brown. Sized to fit me of course.”

“Of course” The boots dropped to the bed and I sat up to check them out. They were black and felt like real suede. The soles were some kind of treated hardened leather that had been scored to improve traction and I absolutely loved them. The seams had been hand stitched and I was betting a pair like this would have cost more than my car back in the real world. They marked the last of what I thought I would need for the next task, so I decided I could splurge for some amenities.

“How much for toilet paper, soap, shampoo, razors, towels, toothpaste and stuff like that?” I’d had laser hair removal on my bikini area, but hadn’t had the money to do my legs too. I wasn’t sure if growing out the hair on my legs, or living in a layer of my own funk would disgust me more. I definitely wanted a full set of toiletries.

“Do you wish a listing of prices on all household domestic items?”

I had a mental image of lying in the bed for the next six hours as the D droned on about prices of different scented bath soaps and shuddered. That was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my free time before the next task. “Those complimentary care packages for travelers that hotels provide, do you know what I’m describing.”

“I am familiar with the items in question. The store has several such available.”

“Spend the rest of my points on buying as many of them as possible, maximizing the amount of toiletries I can receive.”

A small leather satchel and a much larger ziplock bag dropped onto the bed and I checked out my loot. The big ziplock had a couple dozen of those tiny bars of hotel soap,and about half that many little foil pouches of shampoo plus conditioner. It wasn’t ideal but it would work, and I unzipped the travel bag. It had the motherload. There was a single disposable razor, a folding toothbrush and a tiny tube of paste with a single shot bottle of mouthwash. There were two makeup remover towelettes, a tampon, roll on deodorant, a pair of tweezers, a comb, and a little sewing kit complete with a single plastic button. A foil bag of instant coffee and a tea bag labeled soothing chamomile were there, plus tiny bottles of moisturizer, sun screen, and eau de toilette that smelled vaguely floral. I had a hard time getting it all back into the travel bag and ended up dumping part of it into the ziplock. I still didn’t have a towel or actual toilet paper but everything else was pretty much taken care of for a while. Part of me thought about heading back to the shower and maybe using the comb to try and do something with my hair, but the other part just wanted to rest.

“Hey, the D. Can you let me know when I’m about an hour away from having to start the next task?”

“Certainly, Julia.”

With my wake up call in place I rolled up into my semi-scratchy woolen blanket and lay back onto the bed. My mind started trying to process all the crazy things I had seen and done today, and somewhere in the middle I drifted off to sleep.