“It is you!” I hollered, standing from my desk.

I waltzed over, arms wide for a hug which she accepted. It was a quick, mutual slap of the back and we separated.

“I was kinda hoping to see you again! It’s not every job I leave liking the client as much as you. How’ve you been?”

Matti undid her cloak and slung it over her arm to do a twirl. She was definitely ‘rocking it’. “I have been absolutely wonderful the past few months. The up-aging was such an incredible thing. I have curves now! Breasts! I am a flat box with legs no more!”

I nodded along. “Yeah, you pretty much got a bull’s eye on the hot 20-some target. How about the castle though?”

She smiled, then hopped up to sit on my desk. “Sold. Your services had us crest the mountain and it was all downhill thereafter. With no more creatures and a proper barrier, the remaining contractors were able to finish it all up in time for the festival. And you were right, a perfect time to sell.”

I leaned against the wall with my arms crossed. “That’s awesome. Did you end up using the money for that hidden lair?”

“Not yet… say, can we talk outside? I’ve become addicted to fresh air and it’s rather stuffy in here.”

“Sure, throw your disguise back on and we can head out. I know a nice little ridge that overlooks the town, great place for a good talk.”

Matti redid her disguising magic and became a ‘bauble’ brunette again as I opened the door. Pokle was out in the office space organizing paperwork and noticed us leaving.

“Off early for dinner, Boss?”

“Yeah I guess. Turns out you brought in a social call. Made friends with this lady a few months back. You want me to check in tonight or do you have this in the bag?”

Pokle waved me off. “I got this. Have a good evening, Boss.”

I gave her a hearty nod and we passed out the front door.

“Is she your girlfriend?” Matti asked casually.

“Nahhh. I love her work ethic and upbeat attitude, but I don’t mix business with pleasure.”

We walked in silence for a while, as there were people about to overhear potentially incriminating details. After passing the gate, the incline rose as we started up a hill, heading for a little grassy ledge that marked the woodline. We made our way over and sat with our feet dangling. We could see the many orange rooves over the wall of stone. Birds sailed the last updrafts of the day as the sun crept ever downward.

“So, we left off with what you did after selling the castle, yeah?”

“Mmhmm,” she answered whilst adjusting her hat to block more sun. “But, before that… why aren’t we alone right now?”

We paused for a moment until she pointed to a pair of foot-shaped patches of flattened grass close behind us.

“Oi’ Matti and I are having a nice talk here, shoo!” I waved my hands at the wind. It jumped off into the trees and Matti relaxed. “Invisible guardian. Can’t get rid of it right now.”

“I see. I’ll have to ask you about that later.” She straightened up. “I started with a few odd contracts for the league just to get out and do something. Now I’m on walkabout. The papers came through for me to blend in here and I must say, it’s quite scenic this side of the border.” She leaned back and rested on her hands. “I’ve also been sampling the local flavors. It’s very tasty in this region.”

“Oh, yup. That’s Prarieton’s doing. Magic veggies make stronger folk with richer blood.”

Matti gave me a half-hearted look of disappointment. “I can enjoy the flavor of normal food too, you know.” We matched eyes for a moment. “But… yes, it’s the blood in this case. Prairieton, interesting. I… haven’t killed or turned anyone nor do I intend to, in case you’re concerned.”

I shrugged. “I mean, I figured you’re not a dumbass and know the meaning of ‘laying low’. The heads-up on that is still nice though.”

“Yes, ‘tis. Anyways, I’ve been brushing up on my people skills. Being locked in a castle and doted on by mentally-enslaved staff for twenty years has a way of… dulling the sensibilities.”

“I’d imagine. But you were pretty well adjusted when I came along.”

She smiled softly with a nod. “Unfortunately, that was the limit of my tact. Though I tried not to, I did grow a touch spoiled there. Living like a little shepherd girl again really helped. Sleeping in trees, keeping only what I can carry. It has done my spirit well. Enough so that I have started dating from time to time.”

“Oh really?” I inquired cheekily. “How’s that gone?”

“Poorly. It seems a lot of the good men had good women in mind ahead of time, leaving the trash lying about. It’s a funny thing, Dennis. After scarcely three days of collaboration, you became my standard for men.” She sighed. “A standard that has—so far—not been met.”

I bit my lip with concern as she continued. “Three attempts, three relationships. Three squealing little pigs,” she snapped. “Entitled misogynists the lot of them. First one didn’t last through the second date before I walked, leaving him babbling about how I could take care of the home. Not to mention my ‘fertile hips’.

“Number two was worse. He was so un-BEARABLY self-centered and uncaring about my feelings. None of my offers or suggestions were even listened to. In one ear, out the other. It was so bad that I got him drunk, took him home, then revealed my true self and menaced him until he wet himself. Then I hypnotized him into forgetting all of it, drank enough of his blood that he would feel terrible for the week, and dumped him in his bed.”

I blinked rapidly. “Damn, girl. You have the spite game down pat. What about the third guy?”

She rubbed her cheek. “He was just better at hiding it. I honestly can’t believe I slept with him. Worst sex of my life. His true colors showed later and I discarded him like he deserved. In the end, I always ended up comparing them to you… and it was unfavorable each time. They were so self-centered.”

My brow shot up and I looked her in the eye. “Y– you think I’m not?”

“No. I know you are as well. But you are also aware of it and capable of setting it aside. That’s a major improvement… and why I came here, really. I wanted to know if you are as fine a man in reality as you were in my romanticized memories.”

“You want to date me?” I asked with a mix of sarcasm and deadpan. She nodded. “Okay, so, first bit of advice is don’t start with trashing your exes right off the bat. Red flag.”

Matti bobbed her head wistfully. “I know. But I wanted to be open and honest with you.”

“Okay, green flag,” I conceded. “Well, I’m not opposed, but–”

“NOO! YOU CAN’T HAVE HIIIM!” a woman screeched behind us.

I was abruptly lifted off my feet and felt the literal hardest breasts since a certain fucking iron golem press into my back. I planted my feet and rather painfully elbowed a solid-wooden side.

“Goddamnit, Auseta. Put me down!”

The dryad squeezed me harder and tried to take a step back from Matti, who was approaching menacingly. “No! You cannot be hers! I must have you for saving me from–”

CHOK

Matti delivered a swift, clean, right hook to Auseta’s jaw, knocking her lights out and toppling her to the ground. I didn’t even have to fall and land on the pointy boobies of doom, as she applied some unnatural speed to set me free mid-fall. I straightened up and confirmed the identity of my assailant.

“Sorry about that. She’s a bit of a stalker of mine. Can’t let go after I saved her from a dungeon. Uhh, let’s head over there. No trees.”

She crossed her arms. “I guess we both have some baggage. Are we simply leaving her?”

I bent down. “Mmm yeah, that’s actually why my invisible friend is here.” I knocked a knuckle against Auseta’s solid breast. “Yup, them’s rocks. Who knew?”

I stuck a finger in my mouth and whistled. A moment later and Auseta was being dragged off into the forest by her feet by the wind. Matti and I shared a look, shrugged, and moved on. A few hundred feet to the right and we were sitting on a ledge of much the same description and view, minus the nearby trees and psycho stalker yanderes. I sighed.

“Alright now, where was I?”

Matti raised a finger. “You are not opposed… but?”

“Ah, yes. Sex. I don’t do sex.”

She gazed at me flatly for a moment. “That’s it? An acceptable answer if I asked in passing, but you were still receptive to us being together. If this flight of fancy is to soar high, then I would like to know a little more detail.”

“I… well… it’s a bit of a thing…”

“What thing? Be straight with it. I remember you spoke of masturbation, even if part of a joke. It can’t because you’re married to your demon lawyer, the marriage wouldn’t have even been officially consummated until you’d had an affair each. So what is it?”

I took a deep breath and recentered my thinking. “When I came here to Nassur, I was honestly still just a boy. Seventeen on Earth is a horny age of self-discovery and education. I was still immersed in the mindset obsessed with sex for the sake of pleasure.

“But that was a long time ago. There wasn’t time to fap, or much good porn for that matter. I had a lot of better things to do. In the two decades since, I’ve had sex… less than ten times. The first few while I thought I still liked it, a couple of times in the middle years, once to consummate the marriage, and only once or twice recently to check that I still don’t care for it. That is if I don’t count the sexual prowess course I took in hell, which would bump the numbers up a little. I count that more as training though.

“It was a slow burn, but eventually I think I came to understand myself. We have a term for it back on Earth.”

I looked her in the eye. “Asexual.”

Matti blinked repeatedly. “We… call it that here too, you know.”

I raised an eyebrow at her. “That’s your takeaway from that whole spiel?”

She blushed. “Err, no, but it did pop out.” She mused for a moment. “I think it would be fine. I haven’t really gotten into sex yet, so the desire is infrequent. Therefore, logic suggests this is the best time for us to give it a try, before I go and become more sexual myself.”

I rolled my head back. “UGHH we’re being so brass tacks about this. I’m being asked out by a literal vampire princess!”

“Duchess,” she corrected.

“What everrrr,” I answered in a valley girl voice. “There’s like, a bajillion other things to work out before sex would have been an issue. Where will you stay? Are you concerned about being discovered? Will people go missing and it be tied to either of us? Should I be concerned about my blood staying in my body?”

She took a deep breath and started tapping down her fingers like a bulleted list. “I was going to ask if you had a guest room. No, laughably so. Also no, I feed discreetly. And another no, GC blood tastes lhorrid.”

I nodded slowly. “Erm, why does it taste bad? I’ve heard the statement, but never an explanation.”

Her eyes rolled. “I don’t know what you put in your mouths on Earth, but even a hundred years after arrival you GCs reek of chemicals. We dark royals put it under the lens long ago: Your flesh and blood teem with toxins, chemicals, preservatives, microplastics. I don’t even know what that last one is, I just know it makes us sick even in small doses.”

“Prove it.”

Matti shook her head incredulously. “What?”

“I want to see you keep a straight face with a drop of this ‘nasty’ blood on your tongue.”

She rolled her eyes again. “Fine. I’ve done worse for barroom dares.” I reached for my knife to make a little pinprick, but she intercepted my hand. “Don’t bother. What wound given by fang or claw is repaired by the tongue.”

Then she pulled my finger in and I felt that near-painless nip that royals could deliver with their anesthetizing fangs. She licked it in an instant and released my uninjured hand. After inspecting the lack of a wound, I looked to her and she stuck out a tongue stained crimson. It was a hilarious slow-burn. First, she had a sour-pucker, then it morphed into that bitter suction, sticking the tongue out for spice, ending on coughing, gagging revulsion.

I was stifling laughter as she leaned over to spit it out, then produced a small bottle of mead from her cloak to wash out her mouth. I scooched over to pat her on the back.

“Okay, that was mean, but I believe you now. Sorry about pressuring you on that.”

She smacked her lips and took a swig of the mini mead bottle. “As I said, I’ve had worse dares. I do hope it was thoroughly convincing.”

“Yup,” I answered with a slow nod. Then thought back to a statement that had slipped under the radar. “Wait, you want to move in with me day one‽”

……

It… took some convincing, but she needed a secure place to enter deathsleep, and I just-so-happened to have about the most overprotected regular house this side of the continent. The front door of which I was unlocking. Slowly.

“Emm, how many locks do you have?”

I stopped a moment to tally them in my head. “A few… do spells count?”

She shrugged as I opened the door and stepped inside. I was removing some of the undead wards when she spoke again. “Forgetting something?” she asked.

“Not… at all,” I answered, passing her one of the inert undead-blasting warding slips.

“Oh… I see,” she murmured cautiously.

I pulled the last down and double-checked my work. “Okay, come on in now.”

Matti stepped inside “Well, I’m not ash, so that’s a start.” She looked around, seeing the simple wooden construction. “This is rather… quaint, for a man of your station.”

“I’m not really home enough to justify something nicer. On the bright side, it’s not going to cost you any money to stay here. Just keep your things tidy so you can pack in a hurry because I was serious about kicking you out if things go sour. Now hang your cloak up, I’ll get you the list of traps, wards, and defenses. Oh, and take off your shoes.”

As she removed her outerwear, I pulled a handy scroll from the shelf in the entryway hall. I dusted it off and uttered the incantation to reveal the text, then handed it to her. She undid the ribbon and looked it over. Seeing that it was rolled inside-out, she pinched the corners to let it unroll from its own weight. It did. The paper fell down to impact her feet, then unrolled another yard across the floor. Her eyes glazed over at the sight of it.

I snickered at her blank expression. “Alright, stay here a moment. I don’t have a master killswitch, so I’ll need to go turn some things off. Be right back.”

A few minutes later I got back and gave her the house tour. We started with the T-shaped hall, then the kitchen and crafts/laundry room on the right, giving extra attention to the icebox. Then I showed her the master bedroom, and the guest bedroom. The last one wasn’t really about the room though.

“Oh my goooods! Is that a night griffin?” Matti squealed immediately on entry.

I snapped a finger. “That he is. Name’s Grif, pet with caution. He’s almost big enough to start wandering around.”

She closed in and offered a finger to be smelled, which was attacked unsuccessfully in yet-another demonstration of speed’s overpoweredness. She quickly punished such a brazen strike with scritches on Grif’s rump, which about shut him off for a moment. I then passed her a treat and she fed it to the grump. That got him to accept her as worthy of existing. Beyond that? We’d have to work on it.

“I always wanted one. They’re a nice glossy black and don’t grow as big, and teaching them to talk… it was one of my eight dream pets. Sire said no, too much paperwork for a protected species.”

I leaned against the wall beside the bed. “Yeah, well, perks of having a lawyer hubby. Also, it really helped that he was shoved into my arms by the primary species in charge of conservation.” My hand snaked down to rub his side. “Pretty sure he’s a chaos elemental or something though. No contentment for you unless there’s muuurrrderrrr.”

She beamed at the salty little raven-panther. “Okay, I don’t even need the relationship. I’d want to stay just for Grif here. I can’t believe you have a night griffin!”

“Yup, and he’s not the only family member. C’mon Varia, I know she’s new, but she’s nice. Come introduce yourself.”

Matti’s ears perked to the sound of little skittering claws. Varia rounded the corner from wherever she was laying low and cautiously approached Matti. They seemed to gauge one another.

“You don’t strike me as the type to own a normal ferret, what with your mule. But… I can’t place what kind this is.” She knelt to let Varia sniff her hand.

“This is Varia, she’s a magma ferret. They’re a pretty obscure pet from the Hells, as they’re another pile of paperwork to get.” I paused, then decided on a demonstration. “Hey, Varia, puff.”

On my command, Varia reared up onto her hind legs and exhaled a jet of flame all of 4 inches long. A small-yet-illustrative act. Then I picked her up and she went scarf mode.

“Quite loving and protective. Also makes a good foot warmer. Had her twelve years now.”

She nodded. “Twelve years of coaxing a friendly disposition I see.”

“Oh yeah. She’ll… warm up to you.”

Matti facepalmed.

……

We were in the bathroom after the fluffles got on with their nap. Matti was done admiring the porcelain recreations of Earth amenities when she got a troubled look on her face.

“Only the one bathroom,” she mumbled with concern. “Not even a curtain for the tub. We’d have to share, and seeing one another nude would be inevitable.”

I bobbed my head. “I mean, yeah, I didn’t plan on long-term company when I got this place. What do you think? A lock might do, or maybe a curtain for the tub.”

She thought for a moment, then her nose wrinkled. “You know what? Fuck it. I came here already thinking I might take you for a lover—if you lived up to my memory and desired it—why be prudish? Why not both strip right now and banish the shock of it?”

I blinked rapidly and my gaze drifted to a thousand-yard stare at the wall behind her. “I’mmmmmmm starting to question your internal normal meter.”

Matti tilted her head. “Is it unreasonable, then?”

“Umm, kinda… not. I guess if you want, we can, but you should know it’s not really normal.”

She scrunched her brow. “At what point did you think either of us are normal?”

I looked up at the ceiling for a moment. “I guess you’ve got me there. Fine, go ahead.”

A smile spread across her lips. “Great! Being comfortable around one another regardless of what state is vital for good cohabitation in the long or short term.”

I balked from the whiplash. She’d gone from socially inept to deconstructing the situation and laying it all out in seconds flat. We then removed our outer layers. Well, I did. Matti misted right out of her clothes and reappeared in only her underwear. By the time I got my shirt off, her mouth was agape in shock. She pointed to the distinctive, silvery silken threads of my long johns.

“Oh. My. Gods. Are those–”

“Mmhmm. Never leave home without ‘em. The stats are too good.”

She held her cheeks as I undressed further. “Ohhh I had a set of bedsheets from her. Sooo soft. You must be in heaven all day long!”

I finished removing everything but my undies. “Ehh, you get used to it.”

And then, the moment of truth. We dropped our drawers in unison and looked each other up and down. She spun around, I spun around. She was… a pretty classic sexy. Definitely the curves of someone who got to dictate a flesh sculptor’s hand. Mostly pale, with a little pink everywhere it would be expected. I don’t know if she shaved religiously, or had the follicles switched off, but there was not a hair to be seen anywhere other than her head.

She too evaluated me. “I am neither shocked nor appalled by anything that I see.”

I nodded along for a moment. “Agree. Let’s get dressed.”

……

We were seated at my dining table sharing a nice stone-fired delivery pizza. Matti really liked it, considering food was almost nothing but its flavor to her. Still, she only claimed two slices and I got the rest. She was nibbling away when the fancy for conversation struck.

“So, what do you like to do?” She then watched as my brain blue-screened. “What? It’s not a tough question.”

I waved a hand. “No, no, I’m just… noticing that you wanted to get naked together before getting to know me better.”

Matti kicked her feet up on an empty chair. “Order of operations be damned. We’re burning the candle at both ends. I’ve claimed a bed in your home and memorized the shape and dimensions of your manhood, so I’d best know what hobbies you enjoy as well.”

I could only shake my head at the sheer audacity of her candor. “Well, I know it’s a bit cliche, but I love my job. Especially the long, scenic rides through the countryside where nobody bothers me.”

“I can agree with that last part,” she added.

“Yup. I also like tabletop games. Some GCs recreated a few rulebooks and they run some pretty fun campaigns over at the LCE headquarters. Especially during the midwinter, since jobs dry up for me and the minions are striking around then. Great times.”

“That is unexpected. I didn’t figure you for a dice-roller.”

“Well, it’s great networking for one, making friends with all the villains who buy and sell big properties on the reg. Also, it’s super hilarious watching them try to play good characters.”

Matti snickered. “I can imagine. What do they do, heroically rebuild destroyed villages?”

“If I had a gold coin for every time they built infrastructure and defenses under the assumption the villains would come to them, only to fail at thwarting the world-ending plot going on hundreds of miles away, I’d have two gold. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.”

“Why have I heard that sort of phrase before?” We matched eyes and she caught my deadpan look. “Oh, I see. Any other hobbies?”

I finished eating the crust from my slice. “Training. Standard as GC hobbies go, but I always need to keep the skills polished.” I stopped to wipe my mouth. “But also cuz I’m helping a recent arrival get his foot in the door with some combat skills.”

She perked up suddenly. “Ooh! That sounds fun. I might enjoy helping with that.”

After a moment of number crunching, I shrugged. “Sure, why not. We’d have to introduce you proper, red eyes and all. Aaand you’d have to watch his HP, he’s still climbing toward a safe amount.”

A dangerous little grin formed. “Trust me, I know all about not accidentally breaking my toys.”

Later that evening, I was turning into bed, having spent the remainder of my free time setting the traps to recognize Matti. We had also quickly realized that Grif would kick her out of the guest bed without hesitation, which left only the one option. As I got another blanket out for the falling temperatures, she strolled in wearing a nice, thigh-length silk nightie. Rather than the contents, I noticed that it was nicely tailored as I took my half of the queen size bed.

She too rolled in and pulled the sheets up. It was still a bit odd, seeing a vampire sleep at sunset to rise at dawn. Royals are as royals do, I thought. Of course, she rolled right over to me and snuggled up.

“Gawsh Matti, we haven’t even been on a date yet you harlot. Snuggling up already.” I grumbled facetiously, suddenly feeling enough warmth from her skin to seep through my silken long johns. “Hey, you’ve got body heat!”

“Of course I do! I need a ring for it or else I can blow my cover with one errant touch. Now, I want to find out why that pillow of yours reeks of magic.”

As we lay there in that illusory meadow, I couldn’t sleep. I was in shock, honestly. Relationships are a deck of cards, always stacked in a similar manner. You would draw a few each time you meet, working through them or setting them aside for later. When you were done, you had a stable relationship, or a dealbreaker had arisen.

And then, Matti showed up, split and shuffled the deck, and dealt us both 15 cards each. A full house indeed: King, Queen, Ferret, Griffin, and [Redacted]. It left me wondering: How the fuck did I get here? Why did I say yes to any of this? Why didn’t I order pepperoni on my pizza? Why am I about to go to sleep while cuddling up with a LITERAL VAMPIRE? WHY DO WE HAVE MULTIPLE DATES PLANNED ALREADY??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE?

Though I eventually tired, my typical overthinking in the face of adversity reared its ugly head. When I confirmed she was asleep, I applied a familiar spell with a tap on the back of her head.

That is Mattirina Runil

Error: User skill insufficient, information output reduced

Scanning surface thoughts...

Mattirina holds no overt ill intentions toward you; proceed with caution

Please apply 50-70 additional skill points in mind magic for optimal functionality

We recommend our sponsor: Molovik's Blasting and Brews: For all your temporary skill point buffing needs.

Thank you for using Tarthun’s Threat and Espionage Assessor v0.71.

I sighed and tried to sleep. Whether her arrival was convenient timing or something more sinister, I'd just have to figure it out the old-fashioned way.

……

Another day at the office was winding down, yet again giving me only ceremonial muscle-flexing duties. I was going down the daily to-do list with the last big thing to knock out before day’s end so Matti and I could go on an actual proper date where we would, like, get to know one another better ‘n stuff. I got the stones from my desk and initiated a call to bounce off the League’s network. I swung the ear stone about and completed the sequence, then held them to my head.

First a dial tone, then a call lady, and a hold. The orchestra was its usual self as I waited for her to pick up.

“Hello, Lechia? Yes, Dennis. … Good, good. I’m calling to check in about the job. I’ll be departing for it in two days, so I’ll be there in five. You can make it, yes? … Fantastic. But before I let you go, I wanted to ask you something. … Yeah, I’ve got another who could use the goodies. Are you game? … Wonderful, thank you so much as usual. … Of course I’m bringing lots of coffee, are you insane? Wait, don’t answer that. … Yes, the Prairieton Super Deluxe. Look forward to it. … You too, goodbye.”

I set the stones down and kicked my feet up. It would be a nice, relaxing few days where hopefully nothing would go wrong. Then, with any luck, the job for Madame Gossamer would go fine and dandy with the usual brute force she could provide and I'd finally give Cam the last of the free crap. What could go wrong? I asked myself, not idly, but genuinely trying to plan for the most likely issue.

And as if to punish the mere mental utterance of such a foul statement, my stones began to ring. Without the need to be in a receiver sigil. And it wasn’t the usual vwoom vwoom, but that stupid goddamn bee-dee-dee-dee bee-dee-dee-dee the old flip phones would do. My chest heaved in a long, dramatic sigh as I pondered ignoring it. Then, slowly, I picked up the stones.

“Hello?” I answered in a broken voice. “Good afternoon, mister O’deilan. What do you want? … Uh-huh. … Yup. … I did not have an unprotected engineering session with that faerie. … Well what the flippin’ friggidy dick-dack do you want me to do about it? … Is she now? …

“Well if you didn’t want it to happen then you should have made some laws that apply in the Shimmerlands. … Oh fuck off. It literally won’t work. … I mean, I can try my best, but it’s like trying to take something off the internet: You can’t. … Yeah, fine, whatever, but you’ll owe me. … I don’t know! I can’t just think of celestial boons on the spot. … Really? That’s just cheap of you. … Tell ya what. I’ll do it and you can call me after to pay me, it’ll give me time to mull it over. … Whatever, go eat a bag of dicks. Love you too Grunnus.”

I kissed into the microstone and hung up to throw my head back and power-groan in frustration. After a moment, I tried to do a little meditative breathing to kill the anger in my voice before…

Knock knock

“Hey, Boss, got a fae on the line asking for you,” Pokle said as she cracked open my office door.

“Hand’m over,” I beckoned dryly.

Pokle did so and I shooed her out of the office before answering with some drummed-up enthusiasm.

“Hello? … Hey, Coppernose, whatcha been up to?”