My eyes popped open and I sat up to stretch. I flopped my hands onto my lap. “It’s the big day. Yaaaay…” I yawned again. “Pack your bags, Varia, we’re going on a trip.”

The little ball of warmth under my feet uncurled and she skittered onto my lap, then jumped up to boop her nose against mine. Soon enough, we were packing up for the road. I had a few nicer outfits and some odd trinkets that had been gathering dust since the same time last year. Once we were set on that front, I went and scooped up Grif from his nest of grumpiness.

He squeaked and writhed until I petted his belly and he went into attack mode, forgetting the escape attempts. “Who’s a cute little bundle of claws? You are! Lez go getchu registered!” I declared as I grabbed a packet of forms Chivos had drafted for me.

……

Cam had the carriage packed and Parsnip hitched by the time I arrived (not that that's saying much, it was far less equipment than normal). I gave him a beaming smile and passed Grif along to free my hands for climbing.

“Whoa, this guy is adorab– OW.” He withdrew the finger that got nipped.

“Certainly looks cute, but we’re still working on the attitude. Hold on a sec and I’ll put him in his crate.”

I got out an E-D sack that I had put a nice little playpen structure and nest in, then, I accepted a fussing Grif and set him inside, right into the cozy bundle of blankets. Next, I gently shook the sack and saw that it caused no internal turbulence. Just double-checking. Varia crawled out of my shirt and in the bag to go cuddle up.

“What was that other critter?” Cam asked in surprise.

“That was Varia, my ferret. She’s kinda Grif’s mom at the moment.”

Cam flicked the reins and we got going. “She magic?”

I finished putting the cage door assembly in the neck of the bag. “Big time. Got lotsa fire under that fur, hence the red. Anyway, I’m glad you decided to come along!”

He rolled his eyes. “I’d be a fool not to. Free magic!”

“Mmm, yes, ‘free’.”

……

I waved about a ribbon on a stick for Grif, who was happily chasing it around. Cam sat on the other side of the fire, rubbing his shoulder and reading his card.

“Ughh, Dennis, man, can we go back to when you had copper poisoning? I’m tired of getting my ass whooped.”

Grif abruptly tired out and jumped into my lap, where I fed him some of the roast venison from my meal. “Hey, man, getting your ‘ass whooped’ spends those skill points really fast. What’s your one-handed weapons up to now?”

“Twenty-one and a half.”

“Yeah, we did like a whole level in a night. Treasure that shit, it gets soo grindy.”

Cam put his stat card away. “Still, I’m sore as hell. Like, will I be able to work tomorrow?”

“No work to be done. We just have a ceremony to attend and I have to drop by the conservation offices with Grif, plus another thing. That’ll leave us each time for… a dinner outing and maybe one thing before shit starts closing.”

“They got strip clubs in the capital?”

Cam and I locked eyes for a good ten seconds, silently maintaining the stare. Parsnip then ripped the loudest fart I’d heard from a horse in years and I broke off, covering my mouth.

“Probably, I dunno.”

……

“Ayo Dennis, we’re here!”

My head shot up and I rolled over to pop my back. With a big stretch, I crawled up front and sat down beside Cam. “How’s the gang doing?” I asked through a yawn, spying the fields of Prairieton ahead.

“Oh, Grif? Fast asleep last I looked.” He bent forward to check the E-D sack in his lap. Two claws impacted the cage door, attempting to remove his face. “Ohh, okay, not sleepy anymore. Take him off me please.”

I scooped up the sack and played with Griff’s angry little grabbers. He was in the vicious mode, so I opened the cage door and snagged the nape of his neck, switching him to ragdoll mode. I cuddled him close to my chest, applying the sage advice of ‘squish that cat’. With my free hand, I blessed Cam with stoneskins unfortunate little brother. Hardwood: For skin.

With our soft, supple skins no longer subject to angry cat-bird savagery, I let Grif loose and he immediately climbed on top of my head and perched there. Honestly, of all the things he could do, I was happy with the little pointy claws in my scalp as long as he stayed there. We passed the gates of Prarieton and made for the one thing we didn’t need to hose with soulfire during our last visit.

The warp gate.

With their constant surplus of food—and shipping being what it is—Prairieton got shortlisted into last week for connection into the warp gate network. It was a hell of an event some 50 years back. It’s too bad that I missed it; coulda bought some stocks. We queued the carriage behind a line of massive vegetables. Stuck. In. Traffic. Of all the things I didn’t miss about Earth, the traffic was pretty much at top of the list.

“Back so soon, sirs?”

Cam jumped on seeing Eltia to his right. He took a moment to steady himself before answering. “Just… just using the warp network, Miss.”

“Of course you are, sirs!” she announced cheerily, reaching into her bountiful bosom and producing a whole-ass 2x3ft ledger. She flipped it open and started scribbling. “All written down now! Have a nice trip, sirs!”

He looked back to me with bulged eyes. “That did not fit between those. I don’t believe it.”

“It doesn’t. What you do is take an E-D sack, and you retailor it into a brassiere and use a little shrink magic and boom, a ‘Shinobi’s Chest’. That’s technically worded as the box version of chest, per the manufacturer,” I added with the authoritative finger.

“Uh-huh, sure it is. Does sound kinda neat though. Do they make something similar for guys?”

“Yeah, cargo pants.”

……

We passed through the warp-ways just fine and came out on the other side in a gate town. I explained the system to Cam, along with the rather severe military presence around the transportation hubs. Can’t let the forces of darkness capture them when that big invasion definitely arrives soon™. I was in the process of lore-dumping Cam about how infrequently that happens when he looked off to the woods on our right.

“Did you see that?”

I paused, hoping it wasn’t the ‘wind’ again. “Uhh, no, what was it?”

He rubbernecked a moment longer. “I dunno, looked like a black girl with green hair peeking around a tree.”

My brain started down his track of thinking, then hit the brakes, went back, and started over on a different line. “Uhhhh one sec.”

I immediately put Grif back in his playpen and crawled into the carriage. Then I fished a book from the library chest and handed it up to Cam. “Go to D and and find–”

“Monster Girl Encyclopedia?” he yelled. “Yooo my brother got this book! Ma beat his ass for using her card for it! Why the fuck is it here?”

I sat my butt down in the carriage. “It’s not the same book. The title matches, but this one is an actual contribution to society. You should read it sometime, really tells you which humanoids are safe to chat with. Now, it’s alphabetical, so go to D and find ‘dryad’, please.”

After a moment of marveling at the deep degeneracy needed to reproduce such a… great work of art in Nassur, he flipped it open and found the relevant page. “Oh yeah! That’s a match. Why are you so spooked?”

The cart bumped and the ‘wind’ fell on me, earning it an elbowing. “Due to some recent events, I may have picked up a dryad… admirer. I dunno how many different animes you watched with your weeb of a brother, but do you know what a ‘yandere’ is?”

He shut the book with a whump and handed it back. “That I do. My condolences, Boss. You can stay back there until we clear her territory.”

I groaned in frustration. “It’s not gonna be that easy.”

“Why not? She’s stuck to a tree, right?”

“Ehhhh no, if you had read the whole page you’d know otherwise. Dryads are actually the fastest creature in the world, not counting long-range teleporters.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, so, some GC with a math degree made friends with one and decided to write up a nice magical creature dossier on her, which ended up in this book right here. So a dryad can disappear into a tree, yeah? But she can also teleport to another nearby tree. And there’s no cooldown. Thanks to their altered state of consciousness they can do it really fast. I’m talking milliseconds here. Pair that with their maximum TP range of 140 yards, average in some margin for error with tree distance and spacing, and in an optimal situation that means a dryad can go .01 lightspeed.”

Cam visibly balked, making a crease in the back of his neck. “Holy fuck! You’re never getting away from this stalker, are you?”

I looked out the back, seeing the nutty-brown form huddled in the ditch some distance behind us. She was staring right at me. “I’ll just have to hope she doesn’t know which gate we go through.”

The carriage’s suspension sprung up suddenly. “You think she’ll be a problem for us?”

I opened my mouth but didn’t say anything for a moment. As what was likely Auseta stood from her hiding spot to run to the next, she was fucking taken out by what looked like a dropkick to the belly. Or maybe it was a tackle, I couldn’t see who did it.

“I dunno. I’m not sure she’s high enough level for this.”

……

“Whoa, dude! We just graduated from that one anime town to that one anime capital!” Cam spouted excitedly.

He wasn’t wrong. Nassai was built with white stone, blue/green tiled roofs, lotsa towers, big central castle you could see two-fucking-miles out from the wall… oh, and big wide boulevards with stone brick paths divided by waterways, and throw in a sprinkling of gigantic, decorative, cut gemstones. But he didn’t see half that shit from the sweeping farmlands we were still on. I decided to give a quick answer, then shut my ass up and let him marvel at the sights when we got there.

“Ayup. You’ll love it! Just don’t go into a dark alley, the sewers, or the one section of city that’s conspicuously run-down with the darker roof colors.”

He looked over his shoulder at me, confused and amused. “The fuck, man? You think this is some bad horror movie where I’m gonna die first thanks to my own stupid-ass decisions? No! I’m not gonna do any of that shit, and I wasn’t even thinking about it before you said that!”

I intercepted his indignance with a very-fake hastily-manufactured ‘gotcha’. “But now you’re thinking about it, and that’s better.”

Cam scrunched his brow, shook his head, and looked forward. I don’t think he bought it. I peeked out the back, seeing that we were free of the treeline, so I crawled up front and sat next to him.

“It probably didn’t need to be said, but… I dunno, it must be a special type of person that gets hit by a truck. Half of the GCs I’ve met have been about as dumb as a box of rocks. Collectively.”

He scratched his cheek. “Honestly, that’s fair. I bet there’s a lot of room-temperature IQs going around since they were either dumb or unlucky, or maybe drunk. How’d the math guy end up here? The one who did the dryad piece.”

I bit my whole lower lip for a second as I tried to recall. I snapped my fingers. “Oh, that's right! He was trying to get run over by a bus on campus so his tuition would be free. I think he messed it up and got hit by the wrong thing.”

Cam nodded. “Ohh, okay. Wait, that’s a myth! He died trying to get paid out for a myth!”

I paused long and hard. “Damn… I guess he is a dumbass.”

……

Parsnip made a nice, rhythmic clopping as we proceeded down the wide, busy streets of Nassai. Cam was lost in the sights, as it was basically a flat Minas Tirith with a gigantic bucket of fantasy props just kinda… dumped across the whole city. We passed businesses, homes, markets, and lots and lots of people conspicuously wearing one single dominant color each, accented either by black, white, khaki, or nothing at all. The air of pompousness was so thick that I had to put Grif back in his pen, lest he be offended and start attempting to steal people’s eyeballs.

And so we passed the radial districts, each ring providing progressively larger, grander buildings. We slowly met the incline, rising to the central plateau and seeing the small, open ring of green before the castle walls. Casually, we made our way to the moat, crossing the drawbridge and halting when requested by the guards. Three walked up, clattering the song of plate mail. Two carried magic spears, and one had a book.

“Your name and business, gentlemen?” the gate captain asked through his visor.

I raised my hand to secure the attention. “Dennis T Lawson and my friend here is Cameron Jones. We’re with Golden Point Pest Extermination and are scheduled to arrive today and work tomorrow. We should be booked for the royal services suites.”

He looked to Cam, who nodded in agreement with me, then back to his schedule book. “Ah, yes, you’re marked down right here. Very good, gentlemen. We’ll finish the inspection and have you on your way.”

A knot of worry tied up my gut as they checked the boxes of equipment. The next step after that had the potential to cause some issues. I hoped my little plan would work out, having not communicated it to anyone beforehand. The diviner approached, wearing her big robes and blindfold, carrying a lantern that billowed a gentle flow of heavy, pale-blue smoke. The moment she faced the lantern's cone of light toward the carriage, it turned red.

Some tension raised around us as the captain returned, dismissing the diviner to a safe distance. “Is there any reason why our diviner finds your carriage to have demonic or evil energies?”

I played dumb for about 2 seconds, tapping my chin. “Oh! It’s probably my wedding ring.” I passed it to him from my pocket. “It’s bloodcrag obsidian. Have the diviner check you while you hold it, then the cart, then give it back and repeat. That should clear things up.”

He nodded sympathetically. “You’re the one the archbishop won’t shut up about? I’m surprised you’re willing to be in the same region as him.”

Captain man took the ring and was scanned, or, more precisely, the area he stood in was scanned. Red as it goes. Then us, which came back blue. I got the ring back and turned red, captain blue, yadda yadda, we were on our way after that.

Cam blinked rapidly for a minute. “You’re married?”

……

“Damn, this place is the ritz!” Cam gushed, seeing the vaulted ceilings of our common room.

I set my bag down by the door. “Ayup! Enjoy it while you can, cuz we’re only here for two nights. That door on the right leads to your room and I have the left. Why don’t you go unpack and get your formal outfit ready, we have some stuff in like an hour and you’ll need to be glammed up. Lunch is before then, though, so don’t change yet.”

“On it!” he said with a smile, lugging his things off to his room.

As I watched the door close, I slipped on my ring, then wheeled around. In one swift motion, I grabbed something unseen and pinned it to the wall. The obsidian ring—forged in the depths of the Hells—heated with my deathly-serious tone as I addressed my company in a low whisper. There was a subtle sizzling of burning flesh coming from my hand, the painful results of which did not belong to me.

“I covered for you back there, so why don’t you return the favor and stick not one single toe out of line while we’re here? I understand you might be tempted to write some things down and present them to your superiors, or, gods forbid, something worse. Don’t.”

I grasped a shoulder with my right hand and lowered my left, open for a shake. “Deal?”

There was a moment of inaction before my hand was grasped, renewing the sizzle for a moment before we shook and I let the wind go. I straightened up, brushed off my hands, and got my luggage to go unpack. It would soon be time for some nice, formal dressing.

“Are they bringing us lunch now?” Cam yelled through his cracked-open door. “Whatever they’re cooking smells great!”

I responded as I worked the latch. “Nah, they’re probably still making it. I think the wind just carried the smell over from the kitchen!”

……

Cam pulled at his overly-tight pearly collar. The bright-white, close-fitting palace clothes were… interesting. I was teetering between thinking he looked stupid as hell, or stunningly dapper. It would have honestly been a killer look if not for those fucking upturn-tipped shoes. Pieces of crap ruined any good look.

“You think that bath-in-a-bottle really got me shiny enough for the princess?” he whispered as we followed a palace aide toward the throne room.

“Oh yeah, big time. Stuff’s expensive, don’t worry about it. Instead, focus on not sweating up a storm on the way there. The princess is chill, just keep to the script.”

We turned the corner ahead and came to the grand entryway of the massive throne room. The ceilings were high, 65 feet last I checked. Pillars of pure white marble intermittently broke up the walls of striking white-with-black-streaks marble brick. At the back of the room were four incredibly tall windows, each dedicated to a season and a traditional ‘compass’ element. No, I’m not spelling out which four, as anyone too stupid to guess them isn’t worth the time.

And at the back of the room was a massive throne of silver and blue, from which flowed an azure carpet like a river. On that throne, flanked by two honest-to-goodness LVL 1,000 archangels, was Princess Tarisa Lidanae. A blonde little thing in a nice big purple dress with long white gloves and a silver crown. She was roughly as sweet as Princess Bubblegum, and equally as willing to have someone disappeared for the greater good.

We finished our crossing and ascended the first rise in the floor, coming to kneel some 10 yards from the throne. In synchronicity, we lowered our heads, at which point, she spoke.

“Welcome, Gods’ Chosen, to the Palace of the Sterling Rise.”

She stood and we heard her collect the ceremonial sword. Princess Lidanae strode to us and addressed Cameron. “Cameron… Jones.” He looked up, as that was his cue. “A simple name, but are you a simple man? I see wisdom in those eyes. I believe you carry a seed of worthiness that intends to grow tall and strong. It is fortunate that your mentor brought you here far before you earned an invitation alone.”

She raised the silver blade wrapped in a soft blue flame, causing Cam to put his head back down. The tip gently graced his shoulders, left, then right. “I dub you a new star in our sky. May you blossom under good Lawson’s tutelage into something great and sturdy.”

At that, she returned to her throne and we stood. It was she who continued the conversation, however. “As I do for all chosen who enter with grace, I shall grant you a boon. What is it that you will need to thrive in my domain?”

Cam looked down for a moment. “I’ve been… thinking about it for a while, ever since Dennis told me ahead of time. Your Highness, I… would like a raincheck.”

Princess Lidanae tilted her head without changing her expression whatsoever. “Explain.”

He gently grasped my shoulder. “Right now, I have a teacher, a home, and a plan. I have not, however, identified a great need. You have the power to move mountains, while I still concern myself with pebbles. But I am a Gods’ Chosen, and so I know that I will one day face troubles that are like mountains. And so I ask for a favor, fit not for the moment it is given, but the moment it is needed.”

I was impressed. He really took my ‘speak like it’s a throne room cuz it is’ talk seriously! She grinned ear-to-ear and rubbed her hands together. “Well put! Good Mister Lawson truly does not suffer the company of fools. Ichael! Grant him a mark of the heavens, a lavish one.”

The archangel to the Princess’ right floated down to us and landed with such exceptional grace. She was stunningly beautiful… and about 7’8”. “Your arm, Mister Jones,” she requested, extending a hand. He gave the arm and she grasped it forcefully. A glow escaped his sleeve and he hissed subtly from the modicum of pain.

Ichael released the hand and flew back to her hovering position. Princess Lidanae clapped once. “Very good. Mister Lawson, you continue to show that the greatest teachers are often the most unorthodox. Of all you have brought before me, I have never been disappointed. You continue to be welcome here, so long as your good judgment remains sharp as it is now. And so I declare our formalities… concluded. Enjoy your evenings.”

I bowed. “Thank you, Your Highness.”

Soon enough we’d left the same way we entered. Once we were free of escort, walking back to our quarters, Cam finally burst with excitement.

“That was awesome!” he whisper-shouted. “You didn’t tell me it would be that cool!”

I shrugged. “It’s normally not. You made it cool! Did you rehearse that speech or something?”

“I mean, not really. I had mental keynotes and stuff but damn! When do I get the free skill points in radiant magic?” he questioned excitedly.

“Later. It’s considered too disruptive to the throne room decorum to be done there. Don’t worry about it.” I elbowed him. “Have some patience, young padawan.”

He elbowed back. “Nahh, padawans have masters. I’m black… you’re white… I’m not calling you master. You’re sensei.” He paused for me to laugh at the joke, but it wasn’t really one I wanted to jump on.

Cam settled down and I watched as a thought popped up in his head. “Say, what did you ask her for?”

I opened the door to the palace grounds for him. “I asked for… her to join me on the palace roof—alone—for a long, candid conversation about how the world really is.”

He considered it for a moment. “Wow, that’s… kinda cool, actually. Want to tell me about it?”

I stepped out into the afternoon sun and looked off into the distance. “No, no I don’t think I will.”

……

The door to our chambers rapidly approached and we were talking about what to do in the town. Cam wanted to see the sights of course, but I would be busy with bureaucracy. I opened the door and we stepped in to see the other archangel from the throne room. She was sitting in one of the far-too-small for her size chairs with Grif and Varia curled up in her lap, decadently overfull on pets. Cam was stunned, but I nudged him in the door and shut it.

I turned around and started my speech of “Well, I’ll give you two a–” but she was on the spot. She doffed the fluffy lap dressings with grace, walked right up to Cameron, and planted just about the most overpowering kiss in the world right onto his lips. I looked away and heard it end a few seconds later. He was gobsmacked and a bit weak in the knees, leaning back and likely being held up by her.

She stood him up, gave him a hearty wink, then looked at me. “Well, that was nice. You three have a good evening!”

Then she left out the door… which she had to bend down for and still scraped her wings on the frame. I felt a pair of clawed hands unclamp from my shoulders, and a weight stop leaning on my back. I swung an elbow rearward, not connecting with anything as I looked around the room.

A snow-white feather rested on the ground by the door. My eyes bulged and I snatched it up and shoved it into Cam’s hand, which shut around the feather despite his state: He was staring off into space with literal golden smoke streaming out of his limp jaw. I shook him a bit until he came back to reality.

“I… I… I have a… a…”

“A boner?”

He shook his head a bit. “Yeah. Big time.” He looked at the feather in his hand.

“Could be worse. Lots of underwear changes have been required in the past. Why don’t you go, uhh, get changed, among whatever else needs doing. I’m going to go get Grif registered. And keep that feather in your bag. That's money right there.”

“Uhh, yeah, okay Boss, I’ll just be like…”

“Yeah, yeah, go. The door is soundproofed and there’s lotion and handtowels in the bedside drawer. Shoo.”

Cam decided to just shut the hell up and locked the door behind him. I went and changed myself, then came out in my streetwear. I went to the sitting area and wrote out a quick note on one of the tables. ‘I’m a conversation starter, ass-kicker, and all-around badass, and I’m coming with you. Also, there’s a city map on the table by the door.’

I took the note to Varia and put it in her cute little paws. “You give this to Cam when he comes out, then hop on his shoulder and stick with him ‘til he gets back, okay?”

She raised her paw and I scritched her on the head. “Thank you girl, see you later.”

I scooped up Grif and we were out the door. He was a ball of sleepy contentment in my hands as I entered the hallway, then I ran face-first into celestial bosom. I stepped back and looked the archangel in her eyes. She was leaning against the wall and keeping her gigantic bastard sword standing with a single finger on the pommel. And she was smirking.

“Going somewhere?”

A frown spread across my face. “Not before a little something else, I imagine.”

“Indeed.”

……

I had lost count of the bends, turns, halls, and stairs that Nidael had ushered me through. It took forever, but we did eventually reach the relevant door. Undecorated room, single barred window, table, two chairs… fuck. Aaand there was a master inquisitor sitting across from me, judging by the heavy garments. Double fuck. Nidael gently applied force to make me sit, then yoinked Grif and cradled him as he napped. Little traitor couldn’t make a fuss when appropriate. The inquisitor rested his arms on the table.

“Mister Lawson. Is there anything you would like to tell us?”

I smacked my lips. “Nope.”

He nodded, then lifted a stack of paper from under the table and slid it over to me. “Can you confirm the validity of this report?”

I looked at the title on the top. 'The Tomb of Instability Incident. Reported by Aludagriel.' I turned a few pages, skimming the document and memorizing the dumb-as-fuck way he got captured to taunt him with later. The parts where he got into fights were conveniently left out, except with demons, where he was written as the shining defender of justice. Lawful stupid is as lawful stupid does. Nonetheless, it described me clearing and destroying the tomb and then leading a great exodus. Actions of a near-biblical nature. I restacked the pages and slid them back.

“I can confirm that this is a report and that it is written by Aludagriel. It seems that he has neither collected any corroboration nor witness testimonies.”

The inquisitor furrowed his wrinkly brow. “And can you confirm whether the events described within happened or not?”

I leaned forward and sighed. “Sir, there are about seven non-disclosure agreements between you asking these questions and me answering them. You’re getting nowhere, and I want my stonecall.”

His fist clenched. “You…” he started, glancing to Nidael, who nodded at him menacingly. “Fine.”

He dug into a bag slung across his chair, finding two calling stones and placing them in my reach. I picked one up and looked at the luminous etchings. “What sort of idiot do you take me for? I made the originals! This is a nonstandard sigil. I want my stones, an H pattern.”

The table shook as he thumped it. “You have no right to demand such a–”

Nidael raised a finger, then reached into my bag that she had taken off me and placed the requested stones on the table after a quick inspection. I thanked her, picked them up, and called the one person that would ruin everyone’s day but my own.

“Hello? It’s Dennis. … Yes, dear, it’s one of those times. … No, no, the forces of good sprung first. How soon can you project? … Fantastic, thanks.”

I set the stones on the table, then removed my ring and put it on the speaker. A nice holographic image of Chivos appeared and he regarded the inquisitor respectfully. Then he startled ever-so-slightly on seeing Nidael. He straightened up and addressed the relevant party.

“Now, Mister Inquisitor. I am Chivos Drivellum, and I represent Mister Lawson in these matters. What is your name, and for what reason are you detaining my client?”

“I am Inquisitor Kruller and I am investigating Mister Lawson’s involvement in an incident pertaining to the Tomb of Instability,” he hissed.

“And what evidence do you have to show my client’s involvement?”

“This report right here from an angel named Aludagriel.”

“And does it have the signatures or statements of witnesses, or any corroborating evidence? Have the memories of this Aludagriel been copied and submitted?”

“N– no, not yet.”

“And have you charged my client with any crimes–”

“Yes! Not yet, but right here!” He pointed to a legal document. “Celestial law, amendment two: ‘A well-balanced spread of power levels, being necessary to the long-term functionality of the world, the privilege of the people to keep and bear firearms shall not be given.’”

Chivos adjusted his tie. “Ahem, as I was saying, have you charged my client with any crimes that he may or may not have committed within your jurisdiction?”

Kruller floundered for a moment. “I, err, yes. Yes! He was seen on the edges of the Shimmerlands in possession of multiple firearms and other items banned by celestial law.”

My glorious spouse then lifted a map of the Shimmerlands’ edge into view. “And you neglect the fact that there is a jurisdictional gap at the edge of the Shimmerlands. My client has not been seen violating any law in any place that can enforce it. Not to mention that the original amendments have since been torn up and replaced by more modern wordings and definitions due to worldly occurrences. You are operating on outdated laws, my dear foe.”

Chivos then set the map down and seized Kruller’s silence to press the attack. “And on top of all that, I have the comprehensive report of events right here, as told by my client under oath and with a lie-detector present. A standard of factualness that I believe far outshines your dear little angel. Had you gone through the correct channels and contacted me first, I could have made available a redacted version on request.

“But no, you have instead chosen to brush up against numerous rights violations and have yet again sullied the moral character of not only the forces of light, but the Heavens; a representative of which is present in the room and has not actively objected to any of your unacceptable accusations!”

He turned to face Nidael. “Once again, the Hells treat the common man better than the Heavens. Do you know why, O archangel?” His eyes narrowed. “My superiors are always watching. Yours will look away when it is convenient.”

In a flash, Nidael slammed her hand down onto the stone, crushing it and spraying rock dust through the room. The table collapsed, split in half. The inquisitor and I both coughed from the face-fulls of dust. Then, she took a deep breath and bit the obsidian ring burning its way into her palm. She tore it free and spat it out, then willed the destruction to be undone. The broken table stood itself up, the dust coalesced into my calling stone, and the ring returned to its place, causing Chivos to reappear.

“Thank you, my dear. I believe a point has been proven.” He turned to Kruller. “Now, you’re going to send my client on his way, and then you will contact me to start the process of receiving a relevant information packet, pending multiple agreements that must be hashed out beforehand. Am I understood?”

Defeated, Kruller rubbed his temple. “Fine. Your card, please.”

I raised a finger. “I have some in my bag. I can provide one for you.”

Without hesitation, Nidael returned my nice shoulder bag and I found the card, passing it to Kruller. He accepted it, cowed into silence. Chivos straightened up and set aside the character assassination.

“My timekeeping shows that you have delayed my client from his scheduled activities sufficiently that he will no longer be able to complete them. Please facilitate the registration of that night griffin at the conservation office, as he will likely not have the time otherwise, as the unregistered keeping of protected species is highly frowned upon.”

I pulled out the papers from my bag and placed them on the table. Nidael adeptly plucked them up and read them while cradling Grif at the same time. She flipped through the pages, then snapped her fingers and the papers disappeared into a flurry of ethereal golden feathers. “Done.”

Chivos bowed his head to her. “Thank you. Now, I believe that concludes our business here today. It has been a pleasure.” He turned to me. “My Dear Husband, I would ask that you stop bringing me such fat fish in such small barrels, but that would not be in your best interest.”

I winked and blew him a kiss, which he reciprocated in female form before ending the call. I put my ring back on and stowed the stones. Kruller left the room with haste and Nidael sighed viciously.

“Charming,” she stated coldly. “I can see why you married him.”

I got up from my chair and removed Grif from her arms. “Yes, yes you can.” I turned to the door, seeing the aide coming to lead me out of the palace. Nidael grasped my shoulder before I could leave.

“I would like to extend… an apology. For any of my actions that may have been… unbecoming... of an archangel.”

I noted her struggle with every word. For a moment, I mulled whether to let her off easy or come down hard. Archangels must be held to high standards! my mind so helpfully added.

“I accept on the condition that you deliberately avoid such morally bankrupt actions in the future.”

Her face contorted as she slowly understood the nature of my forgiveness. Carefully, she nodded, and I took that as my cue to depart the room.