“YOU WERE CONTACTED BY LORD HARIAM?!?!?” Orethon shouts, causing the room to shake. Sigh, if I know he would have reacted like this then I would have waited… No, it’s probably for the best that I told him immediately.

The first thing I did when I woke up was telling Charlotte I had something to talk about with Orethon. I didn’t tell her what but I told her it was important so she had Orethon informed at once. He, of course, accepted my request.

I wanted to tell him at once but Charlotte had me take a bath first. She insisted. When that was done she brushed my hair and helped me dress, even though I told her I could do it on my own. She insisted once again. She sure is persistent. Luckily I convinced her to hurry up when choosing my clothes, otherwise it would have taken far too long.

When that was done I was finally taken to Orethon’s study. According to Charlotte it was one of the oldest rooms in the castle and is the place where Orethon spends most of his time, mostly due to the amount of paperwork he has to deal with. Poor guy.

I was impressed when I entered. The walls were covered by shelves filled with books and in the high ceiling hanged a giant chandelier, lighting up the room. Orethon sat in a comfortable looking armchair in front of a wooden desk, looking through some documents. Dressed in a black robes and a fur-lined cloak he truly looked magnificent, just like a real king...

Of course that all changed when I told him about the “divine revelation” I experienced last night… Oh boy, you should have seen him. He jumped out of his chair, three meters into the air and landed on the desk, a perfect 10/10. Then he started to shout, thus leading us to our current situation.

“Orethon, perhaps you should calm down?” I suggest, not wanting the room to collapse.

“I am sorry, lady Ruth, but I simply couldn’t contain my enthusiasm and joy!” Orethon exclaims with sparkles hovering around him. “It’s been such a long time since anyone managed to get a contact with lord Hariam so for you to hear from him… It’s simply a pure bliss for me! No, to everyone! Ah, sorry! Please, tell me what he had to say!”

“Well, uhm, he informed me that Chreshna knows of my existence but according to him it is a good thing since she can’t focus entirely on the war anymore” I say, putting it bluntly.

“I see…” Orethon says with a serious voice while putting his hand on his bony chin. “Lord Hariam is certainly right. And if she knows about you then there’s no doubt her sister, Ylwa, knows about you too. That means the upcoming war between the two of them will not be as severe as it could be…” Orethon starts to mumble some incoherent things I can’t understand.

“This war,” I interrupt, “happens regularly, yes?”

“That’s right. About every 200 years or so the goddesses start a new one. Choosing their “heroes”, fooling the people into believing it’s a “holy” war”. Orethon nearly spitts out the last words and his former joy have been replaced with anger.

Oh oh. Perhaps this was something I shouldn’t have brought up. I don’t want to experience the same thing that happened yesterday. But I am afraid it’s already too late, he’s already begun to ramble.

“They never stop… Why would they? The life of mortals do not concern them and are merely tools for them to use!” They will not stop until the other one is dead and if that were to happen… This world would collapse. Light cannot exist without darkness and the same way around! But they do not care! As long as they win they are satisfied…”

Orethon suddenly sounds extremely tired and the light in his eyes waver… I wonder what he have seen. He’s been living for so long, experiencing war after war, unable to do anything to stop it. How does that feel? Seeing all that destruction and death, seeing history repeat itself time after time… But he’s still here, determined to put an end to it. Even if it means waging a war himself. Does he love this world that much?

“This world… Why do you care for it to such an extent?” I ask. When hearing my question Orethon looks down and gets back to his seat.

“It’s a long story but... I… Used to be Chreshnas hero” he says with a trembling voice. “She would whisper sweet lies into my ear day and night and I would believe all of them. I was promised strength and strength I got. Because of her… I killed a lot of innocent people. Women, children, the sick and elderly… Anyone that dared to defy her was annihilated. And I killed them mercilessly…”

“You didn’t know…” I say in an attempt to reassure him.

“But I did know!” Orethon exclaims, sounding almost angry for a moment before calming down. “I knew they were innocent but I still did it! For honor and glory! For what was right! But it wasn’t right…”

Orethon pauses and looks up into the ceiling. This is obviously very difficult for him to talk about. Knowing you killed people that did nothing wrong… I don’t know if I would be able to live with that guilt.

“Then, one day… I died. Killed by those that were supposed to be my allies, my friends. Chreshna figured I had served my cause so she decided to turn me into a martyr instead. But my spirit prevailed and I stayed anchored to this world as a spirit. I thought it was some kind of mistake… I was her champion! She would never do anything to harm me! At least that’s what she had told me time and time again”.

“But you realized the truth…”

“I did but not at once... It took years but eventually I came in contact with her once again. I asked why she had not protected me, like she promised to. She started laughing at me. “Why?” she said with a demeaning voice, “why it’s because you are no longer needed”. That was when I learned the truth… She had never truly cared about me. I was just a puppet. And I had killed all those people for nothing. The guilt… I could not bear it. I wandered the world for hundreds of years feeling only dread and anger. But then… He came to me”.

“He? You mean lord Hariam?”

“Yes, it is as you say. He told me about the balance between the light and darkness and how the world would collapse if any of the goddesses won. At first I didn’t trust him, remembering my history with Chreshna. I refused to fight pointless wars anymore”. Orethon pauses before looking straight into my eyes. “But then he showed me the future. And what I saw… Was only death. Every mortal soul, screaming in agony as they were torn apart from the inside out. The sky catching fire and the ground bursting… I couldn't bear with it. No, I refused to let it happen! Never! Witnessing my determination Hariam gave me this body to aid me. At that moment I swore that I would save this world!”

After our exchange I leave the study to continue with my lesson but I can’t stop thinking about his words. They have etched themselves into my mind. I don’t know how to feel. His tale was inspiring but also sad, full of regrets and sadness.

I have already decided to save the world in order to survive and live the life I never got to see through in my past life. But… my determination is nowhere near his. It makes me feel like a fraud.

My biggest worry right now is that I will do something wrong and disappoint everyone. I mean, this is a heavy weight to carry, being tasked to save the world and all… We will wage war in order to save lives, which out of context sounds odd. But I understand the cause and I am ready to fight for ignoring the situation is not an option.

Ah, my head hurts from thinking about such troublesome things. If mom saw me right now she would say something like “what did you get yourself involved with?”. To be honest, I am not sure but I think I am in way over my head.

Sigh, at times like this I wish that I had someone to talk to. I can’t speak to Rowan and the others, I don’t want to see them worry, talking with someone here in the castle is also no good. They believe in me and telling them about my issues would only discourage them.

I am supposed to become a “villain” but I don’t know if I have what it takes to wage war, to kill people. Perhaps I will get used to it after a while.

The day passes without anything significant happening. I try to focus on my lessons but this nagging feeling won't end. Despite this I do my best to listen, not wanting to get behind this early on. At the end of the day when all the lessons are over I have my free time where I can do whatever I want to. I decide to stay in my room.

I lay in my bed, not knowing what to do. No, that's not it, I just don’t feel like doing anything. My entire body feels heavy, especially my chest. It feels like I’m drowning.

It’s one of those moments huh? I used to have them quite often in my previous life but ever since I reincarnated I have not had an episode like this. Perhaps I have had too much on my mind and not had the time.

It’s scary when I get like this for I feel nothing. My mind turns into an abyss of endless apathy. I do not know when it will stop and sometimes I can feel like this for hours.

If you ask any of my old friends or my family how I were then they would tell you I was a happy, unconcerned girl. Nothing ever seemed to bother me or make me sad. A tiny little ray of sunshine.

But that’s a lie. I wasn’t happy. I just acted like it. Why? Because I was scared. I wanted to feel good, I wanted to laugh and smile. So when I couldn’t… I faked it. No matter how bad I actually felt or how much I wanted to cry, I kept on smiling. “If I continue to act happy, then maybe I will become happy for real”. That’s what I told myself.

I don’t know why I was unhappy. I had friends, a moving family and life seemed to go well. Sure, my family and I were poor but that never bothered me. A girl like me, I had no reason to feel sad. So I denied my feelings.

“They are not real, I am imagining things. Look, I’m smiling, I am happy”.

… Perhaps I pushed my friend away from the car for I did not care if I died. I wanted to save my friend, yes, but I did not care about my well being. I did not care about my life.

So when I reincarnated, I was happy. A new chance. A fresh start! I could abandon my old feelings!

Except it didn’t work as I expected. My feelings remained, despite me trying to ignore them. “Go away, you do not belong here!” I shouted at them. “I am not “her” anymore, I am a new person!”.

But… that’s a lie too, isn’t it? No matter how much I change, where I go or how much time passes, I am still me.

I am still Claire.