It was dark. I couldn’t breathe.

No, neither of those statements are quite correct. My recollection of these events is a little hazy, so bear with me.

It was dark because my eyes were closed. I couldn’t breathe because, if I did, I’d swallow an ocean of water.

I came to in a panic. Out of instinct I raised my head; the body knows that, to escape water, you have to go up. Except when I did, there was no surface. My eyes snapped open. I could see clearly, but looking in every direction showed only hazy, monotonous blue. I was about to swim up, when I remembered a lesson I’d taken during one of the many demon-approved survival courses offered to humans, under the belief we were too squishy to be left to their own devices.

Blow bubbles; follow them.

So I did. They went down. That meant I was facing down, I think. It didn’t feel like that at first, but the moment I saw the bubbles fall I immediately knew that I was upside down, as though it had always been this way and I was only remembering now. I spun and followed them, fully expecting to drown in my search for air. However almost as soon as I’d spun, I surfaced, like air had always been a moment away.

I gasped for air. My lungs felt like they were on fire, but the air was good, soothing, and I took in as much as my body would let me. I went to kick my legs, to tread water, but found I didn’t need to exert the effort. My next thought was to figure out what the fuck had just happened to me.

I spun in every direction and saw nothing but the smooth surface of water. There were no waves, no ripples; the ones I’d created with my movement accentuated for a short distance around me then petered out—I can’t tell you how short that distance was because the ripples seemed to follow no real pattern, other than to become flat water once again at some random point in the future.

The first thing that gave it away that this place was not on Earth was that, usually, when you stared out into the horizon, everything went a hazy blue as light scattered on water vapour. Here? There was no fog, no azure haze, just dark water and plain grey skies as far as the human eye could see. And without the interruption caused by atmospheric particles and the dipping of the planet’s surface, that distance was very far, indescribably so.

The second giveaway was that the sky was grey and infinitely empty. No sun, no stars, no clouds, and painted in a colour that it should not have been. It felt a little like I was in an incomplete video game, where harsh budgets had prevented the artists from painting the skybox.

And the third was that I was cut off from everything: no Volce in the back of my mind, no numbness from the ash, and, when I called for it, no status screen popping into my vision.

I felt a lot of things in that moment: confusion, panic, relief to be out of the fight, childlike curiosity. They all clashed at once so that I couldn’t really act on any of them, just waded there in the temperate water. It took a few seconds before I managed to process them all and decided I had to get out of there.

The moment the thought crossed my mind, something leaned against my back, gently pushing me down. It was soft and heavy, and my head bobbed under water. I treaded hard, and it was a struggle to stay up. Then, with one hand, I felt around onto my back and felt hair. Long, silky hair that, when I dragged it close, seemed to have no end. Actually, that wasn’t quite correct. When it fell into the water, it disappeared it seemed, or blended in with it. Or maybe it was the water.

From feel alone, I quickly realised that the thing on my back had the shape of a woman—naked, slight, and clinging to me with her arms hooked around my neck. I could feel her cold skin pressed against me, every bit of her unashamedly moulding around me. That was also when I realised that I was naked too.

The woman’s cold cheek slid along my neck. Her breath tickled my ear.

Why are you here? she asked, her voice sweet and high.

Where was here? What was this place? Last I recalled, I had struck the estray and then—

I turned slowly to meet the face of a gorgeous woman. Her chin and nose were sharp and striking, her cheekbones were well defined, her eyes were an icy blue, and her lips were delicate and flushed in the faintest shade of red. Her slender frame hid an untold strength which radiated through her hold around my bare chest. She looked confident and proud, yet the expression she showed me was one of sincere curiosity. She was everything I ever wanted in a woman.

“Everwant,” I breathed.

The woman, this avatar of Everwant, I came to recognise her as, drew her face closer to mine, paralysing me with her sharp and curious gaze.

Then as though she were a changing tide, her face shifted into something vicious—more feral beast than a simulacrum of a woman. One hand grabbed the back of my head, and with impossible strength she slammed my head back into the water.

My heart was pounding. I hadn’t had time to take a breath. I tried to struggle against her, but along with keeping my head under she was weighing me down, forcing me to split my strength between staying afloat and fighting back. Just as everything started to turn dark, my head was ripped out of the water. I coughed and gagged as I inhaled, trying to take in every drop of air that my aching lungs would accept.

Everwant dragged my head close to hers, pressing her lips near to mine. In a low voice rattling with fury, she whispered to me,

The world is cruel to those who do cruelty onto one another.

And to the children, the innocent, the poor, and all who don’t deserve to suffer.

You, who bears the name of the dead, with a demon’s will in you,

I only hurt you because you hurt me, so this time answer me true.

That was poetry. This demon—this rabdos, or whatever the hell she was—had just spoken in rhyme. I thought that had to be a mistake and considered for a moment that she was a human playing a trick on me. But she couldn’t be. This place defied physics. Only a demon could manage this. Only a demon could defy common sense as she did. But even so, demons were useless at poetry. They were useless in anything involving creativity. Aside from the most powerful demons, their speech was always so literal and straight. How could a damned rabdos speak like that, as though poetry was so… natural to her?

I swallowed hard, trying to stifle a cough. She wasn’t a human, but I doubted even a demon would not appreciate it if I coughed in her face. Despite my racing heart and all my confusion, I was captivated by those piercing blue eyes. They bored into me and dug out something I’d buried long ago.

I knew I should have lied to her, to say that I wanted to leave. If I’d said that, I’m sure she would have let me go. The way she caressed my cheeks, the way her nails dug into my cold skin, the way she wrapped herself around me—it screamed “desire”. She was intoxicating, and I couldn’t help but open up to her. At the time, I thought I deserved her.

“I—I want to live.”

The handsome woman offered a look of such pity and sorrow. It was something wholly unfamiliar to me: an expression so sincere that it seemed like she knew everything there was to know about me. As though in those four words she’d read all the pain and suffering that I’d endured, that in four words she listened to me!

I’d been with a few women. I’d been in relationships. They were all superficial, physical, or destined to fail. I’d never felt like someone truly understood me, and over the years I had convinced myself that a relationship like that was impossible. Wrapped up in this demon’s clutches, that misconception was unravelling.

It wasn’t that such things were impossible, but that the extent of possibility stretched for an eternity, and I was nothing but a miserable, finite thing. If I could only live as long as her, maybe I’d find something more beautiful than beauty itself.

All of that she impressed onto me in the span of a few short seconds with nothing but a look. Back then, I was still too broken to assess the situation more objectively.

When she spoke again, she was music itself.

You pitiful thing, you broken soul, ease your beating heart.

Let the water take you and I’ll speak my story from the start.

She spoke so calmly, so serenely. Her fingers ran lightly across my jaw in a manner so intimate that I’d never thought that a single touch could consume my senses completely. Staring deep into her gaze, I was immediately put at ease.

I let my head sink into her bosom. My body felt light and floated up to the surface. I completely forgot that I was naked and trapped in an infinite world with a rabdos. I just wanted to sink and be a part of her. To relax and forget about all that was out there. To forget what she was, other than everything I wanted.

Within the rotating universe, within each and every atom,

Within the flaming Pits of Hell resides a simple maxim.

Break the universe open, peer inside, and there’ll be nothing to see

Because the universe is ruled not by force but want, desire, and need.

All life is born in the chains of time, unable to be free.

The chains will one day drag you under, but desire lasts an eternity.

When time has run its course and it throws your corpse away

The want that drove you sinks below and in Hell it will stay.

There, desire shall be formed into a demon of good order.

And from the Pits the demon crawls, their will demands a slaughter.

But not all wants are alike and some thirsts cannot be quenched.

For eons there I rested, consuming ‘til my will was wrenched

Into a form unkind to me, dammed and contained.

How it rankles me so sorely to be bound by laws, restrained.

I am the teeth, I am the tongue, I am the maw that consumes it all.

I give naught back to the thirsting masses, for knowledge is my thrall.

Yet in this dam I have been trapped, my waters made to share in vain.

Unable to drink another drop, I cut myself against the chain.

I closed my eyes and took in the sound of her voice. All seemed so right. All was as I always wanted it to be.

Then Everwant’s fingers gripped onto my jaw. My eyes creaked open to meet her blue eyes, now turned harsh and cold. My skin began to crawl but I was too petrified to move.

But thus a thing so pitiful wanders in from the entropy.

He thirsts for my waters and to loiter under my canopy.

He speaks to me his want to live when his life is under threat.

He begs to me to cut his strings, this pitiful marionette.

The demon’s face turned into a feral snarl. Her nails dug into my skin. With every word her voice rose higher and carried endlessly into the void.

But to live is to take, to stomp, to slaughter, to fend off the march of time,

And to drink from my waters is to take from me,

To take what is rightfully mine!

Everwant’s voice rose into an incoherent howl and she slammed my head back into the water.

I clawed against her, but her hand was too slippery to grab and too strong to knock away. Her fingers knotted into my hair and she ripped me up again.

Mine!

Back under. I was fighting again. Everything was going dark. She slammed me under again and again, her voice booming louder and more harshly with each attempt to drown me.

Mine—mine—mine—mine—mine!

My lungs were burning, my head was spinning, my vision was tunnelling into a pinprick, and all I could think of in that moment was when I’d take my next breath. As I tried to pry her off me, my hands tangled in her hair and I couldn’t pull them out. In a final moment of desperation, I decided to take her with me. With newfound strength, I tightened my grip and dragged Everwant down with me.

I held on for longer than a human should have, keeping her head pressed down next to mine. She thrashed at me, clawing desperately into my face and arms, not trying to free herself but trying to push me further under. However, in that wild flurry, her grip loosened and I was able thrust my head up for air.

Gasping, coughing up water that had trickled into my lungs, the darkness edging into my vision slowly faded. I readjusted my hold to get her head under my armpit and pressed Everwant down with everything I had. I wanted her to stop breathing. I wanted her dead. She trashed back at me, but her movements were growing limp. Then after a while, she tried one last lethargic claw at my face and her hand fell limp. She was finally still. The ripples emanating from our struggle spread out for a while until they flattened, and I just kept holding her.

It wasn’t until I was finally convinced she was dead that I untangled my hands from her endless hair. I floated on my back and caught my breath, grateful for the air. Everwant rose gently to the surface, limbs splayed out and her long hair, shaded just like the water, stretched out into the infinite, still blue. Then I realised exactly what I had just done.

I’d drowned a demon. Demons don’t breathe.

With a start, I rolled over to prepare for another fight. Everwant was gone. I looked left and right, up and down. There was nothing but water.

You’re tenacious, marionette.

I spun in a panic—her voice sounded like it came from the water itself, so I wasn’t sure where to look. I found her behind me, but a fair distance away, treading water. Her face had reacquired the blend of confidence and curiosity she’d shown a little ago. She didn’t look like she would attack again, but I wasn’t taking chances. At this point the only thought on my mind was to survive. I swam back a little.

Everwant titled her head and watched me.

Convinced that escape will keep you alive.

A foolish thought, yet one that betrays your drive.

She cupped her hands and scooped up water. Smiling coyly, she raised her hands. When she dribbled a few drops of water from between her palms, the water fell upon my head. Somehow, she’d appeared right in front of me.

The waters that you bathe in are not a mere shoal.

The grey, the blue, the ripples new are pieces of my soul.

Everwant watched me expectantly, as though I was supposed to show some kind of reaction to that. I was outright confused. Her closeness made my skin crawl. The thought that the water was her, that all of this was her, rattled me with claustrophobia. If this was her, she could have killed me at any moment.

I put that thought out of mind immediately. Walking down that path would only lead to truths I’d rather not know. If I was convinced that fighting was pointless then I was guaranteed to lose. And after years of scrapping with demons as a kid, having my head kicked in over and over again in fights I could never hope to win, one thing I’d found was that, sometimes, the only way to win was to take the beating and let the demon give up before you.

So I waited for the demon to attack again and was ready to pull her under. I’d made my resolve to repeat that again and again until she finally surrendered.

However, Everwant only smiled and dipped gently underwater. As her head touched the surface, her hair fanned out around her and seemed to make a blanked atop the water. When she went under, the water had reformed itself into its pristine, flat visage.

Irrational you are to fight against want itself.

The wiser course would have to been to flee and save yourself.

Her voice came from all around. No matter where I turned her pitch never rose or fell. Unable to see her, I felt anxious. At least if there was something to fight I could have done… something! Like this, I was useless.

And as soon as that thought crossed my mind, hands snaked around my chest from behind. Her head rested against the middle of my back.

Ah, a heartbeat. It all becomes so clear.

A human wished upon my soul, and thus he woke up here.

Speak to me, oh child of blood so tender and so warm,

And thus you shall be paid for what you leave within this form.

I swallowed hard. My head was spinning. I’d never been in a situation like this before. Every time I thought I knew what Everwant would do next, she threw me a curveball like this. Did she hate me? Did she love me? Did she only want to trade my memories for her own?

Demons always follow rules. No matter how strong they are, there’s always an explanation for what they do. Once you learn what the rule is, you can control them, or even erase them outright.

But if I were to describe a rule to Everwant, then the only thing I could conclude was that she did whatever the fuck she wanted.

Before I could speak, another Everwant rose from the water in front of me. Another rose from beside, then a fourth, a fifth, until the entire ocean was bobbing with the same visage of a handsome, naked woman staring at me with sharp yet pitying eyes.

Hands stroked my cheeks, thousands of them all reaching for me. All this attention was wonderful, in a sick kind of way.

The Everwant directly before me cupped my face in her hands and drew me in close so that I could see my own reflection in her eyes.

A spirit rests beyond the realm of rational understanding.

Don’t think, don’t assume, just be greedy. Want for everything.

She released me, and then I was floating up. The sea of Everwants drew further away. I expected the wind to rush by my ears, to feel my stomach lurch from the sudden motion, but it didn’t feel like I was moving, just that I was getting further away from her, or her from me.

At first I was terrified as her infinite features grew too small to distinguish. I let out a terrified yelp, called for her to put me down. Then, when I judged I was too far away, I stopped calling as a fall from that height was guaranteed to kill me. Soon her features faded into nothing and all I could see was the pristine clear surface of unbroken water.

I don’t know how long I rose, or if I was rising at all. After so long I came to a point where all I saw was water, that it was all there was, and the faint memory that I was getting further away from it. With nothing to see but a blank blue slate, my thoughts set to wandering.

Multiple lifetimes of thoughts passed me by. I went through a thousand possibilities, a million theories about what Everwant was, where we were, how to escape. I poured over my childhood second by second. I imagined I was a man, a woman, a dog, a demon, played out every moment of those lives, experiencing them just as I had experienced every second of my life up until the point where I started rising. But each time I did, they all ended up back there, rising, watching the world become featureless and blue, only to roll calmly into the next rebirth.

At some point, I stopped thinking entirely. Whether I was rising, falling, high, or low, a rich man, a pauper, a scientist, or that he experimented on, none of it mattered to me. Who I’d been, what I would become—all those Earthly thoughts and feelings faded until I was nothing.

All was gone save for one desire, which beat faintly in the distance. Somewhere in that time I realised that the reason I could see was because that desire was the light of this place, a sun without mass or heat, just keeping the world alive. It made perfect sense at the time, but now I’m not sure what I was thinking.

Then I stopped rising. There was nothing to actually indicate that had happened. I just knew that a moment ago I was trying and failing to escape the infinite, and now I wasn’t.

Everwant was there in the water. I was staring up at her. The water wasn’t beneath me, but above. I didn’t know when that had happened—no, it had always been that way. I don’t think I was ever moving to begin with. Time, space, did any of those rules exist here? Either way, I was suspended in the vacant grey sky and gazing into a pair of cool blue eyes which I never wanted to look away from.

I reached out, Everwant did too, and our fingers interlocked. She stared at me calmly, as patient as the moon.

No more lies, no more deceit.

Which of your wants was the least fleet?

My breath came steadily, like a tide coming and going. One of the many thoughts that had flashed through my head was that, foolishly, I’d assumed I needed to breathe. But this was not my body: it was a place made of the demon known as Everwant. The only reason I had even thought I was drowning was because I believed that I must. Now, having let go of all those human inhibitions, my lips moved as though they were not my own. Yet the word they spoke, the desire laden in each sound, could only have been spoken by me.

Everwant’s fingers wriggled in mind, and though her expression made no change I could feel her perplexity through my hands.

Eternities come, eternities go.

Time it marches quick yet ever so slow.

Endless wants I’ve collected in my heart

But, marionette, none are as strange as yours.

Our hands untangled, and with it a sense of longing stretched over me. Everwant cupped her hands in the water and when she drew them out, they were filled with water so clear that it seemed her hands were empty. She raised her cupped hands to my lips and tipped her hand upwards. Water poured upwards, downwards, and into me.

With it came answers I wished I’d never known.