Even with as many issues as I had and as many problems as I made for myself, I could hardly claim to have a monopoly on trouble. There were a thousand issues I could have uncovered if I hadn’t been too wrapped up in avoiding my own.

How was Jake handling the stress of having the fate of the world on his shoulders? How was Tim dealing with accelerated puberty? Was anyone actually holding up as well as they pretended to?

All questions that I could have simply asked, however, they are questions that will remain unanswered now.

…

Well, that’s much too somber of a mood to start this tale off, isn’t it? Sorry. I have many regrets from my time, but I can state beyond a shadow of a doubt that the story I’m about to tell you isn’t one of them.

---

When I created yet another “David Junior” for Sam, which she gave the honor of being renamed “David Junior the Second,” I didn’t expect much to come of it. I assumed that it would get left behind as soon as we got back into our usual rhythm of running until our mages got low on stamina.

I drastically underestimated her stubbornness.

For all practical purposes, she had adopted it as her pet, and she refused to be “an abusive pet owner that left it behind or practiced combat skills on it.” Yes, that line was delivered with a glare in my general direction.

She kept insisting on keeping it even after it briefly attacked her when she jostled it too hard. That made me realize something. Huh. Didn’t they use to attack anyone but me who picked them up unless I specifically told them not to? I figured out the probable cause pretty quickly. I’m in the party for real now, so I guess that changes summon IFF[1]?

However, I couldn’t have it randomly attacking her since it was still a dangerous level 5 monster despite her treating it as a pet. I decided to put the ball in her court while also testing something out.

I ordered David Junior the Second to obey Sam’s commands.

Honestly, I didn’t really expect it to work. However…

“Sit!” Sam ordered the dave that she had placed on the ground.

The dave scrunched itself a little flatter.

“Jump!”

The dave hopped in the air.

“Do a barrel roll!”

The dave sat there confused.

It was an interesting result, but it was also delaying our departure.

“Sam,” Jake said. “I know you’re having fun with-“

“David Junior the Second,” Sam interjected.

“… your pet,” Jake continued. “But we really can’t have it slowing you down.”

She picked it back up. “I’m sorry! We’re ready!”

Jake sighed. “Okay, but if holding that monster slows you down, you’ll have to leave it behind.”

She nodded, and our party took off at a jog.

To both Jake’s and my chagrin, she kept the same pace as Andrew and Tim the entire day and didn’t seem to have any increased SP expenditure. That meant that by the time we stopped for the night, neither of us had come up with a good reason that she would have to get rid of it.

Well, she did almost give us one herself…

Since we were still in the Hero Faction controlled Starry Forest, that meant no hostile monsters. No hostile monsters meant no real need to keep watch and also no need for me to leave the area. So, for the first time since our disastrous first night traveling, I actually got to watch the party set up camp.

I was reminded of how useful the inventory system was when my party members started pulling out mostly ready tents from the ether. Then they followed it up by pulling out bowls, while Garrett pulled out a still-hot pot of soup.

So, what was the incident?

Sam immediately started spooning her dave some of her food.

There were a couple reasons why that wasn’t a good idea.

It was a waste of food (not that I knew how much food the party was lugging around anyway). It completely ruined the spoon that she used because, as far as the dave knew, that was food too. Summons had absolutely no need to eat. I knew that one for a fact because I had left a group of them alone for a month, and they were fine.

However, she at least had the decency to admit that she took the pet thing a bit too far there and that she wouldn’t do it again.

So, the 10 of us (yes, I included David Junior) got to just sit around a fire, made courtesy of some wood from Jake’s inventory and a [Fire Bolt] or two, and talk.

That allowed me to ask a question that had been kicking around in the back of my mind. “After the [Demon Lord] is defeated… What’s everyone going to do?”

Jake chuckled. “Isn’t it a bit early to ask that? I mean, we might still have 3 dungeons left.”

I shrugged. “What if we win this time, though? It could happen, right?”

“I mean. I guess,” Jake muttered.

“I’m probably going to retire,” Garrett said.

“What? Retire? I know you’re a geezer, but you aren’t that old,” Jake needled him.

The rest of the party chuckled along with that.

Garrett sighed. “Yeah, yeah. But… I’m serious. I don’t like being a [Berserker]… Or I guess [Woad Raider] now, not that it matters. I hate the feelings that [Rage] gives me, and I would rather just leave that all behind.” He scratched his chin. “I guess that means I’ll be stuck as a [Lumberjack] then. I wish I had known about subclasses beforehand.”

I grimaced. I could kind of relate. I wasn’t quite sure what I would do with my [General] subclass when things quieted down. “What about you, [Hero]?”

“Me?” Jake asked. “I guess it depends on how things go, but there’s a lot of world out there to go see. Who knows? Maybe I’ll go back and finish up any of the sidequests that we decide to ignore.”

“I don’t think they’ll really work like that,” I said. At his confused look, I continued. “I mean, if you don’t do them quickly, won’t they just hire someone else? Or if it was urgent, they probably wouldn’t still need you by the time we’re done, right?”

He frowned. “Yeah, you’re right. That’s definitely one aspect of RPGs that wouldn’t hold true here, would it? You can’t just save up a whole bunch of quests and then do them whenever.” He shrugged. “Either way, I’m probably going to keep adventuring ‘til I’m old and gray.” He gave a sly grin. “Like a certain geezer over there.”

A bit of leftover soup got slung Jake’s way for that one.

When our laughing quieted down, I directed the question at Emilia, who was sitting next to Jake. “What about you?”

“I suppose I haven’t given it too much thought,” she muttered. “Adventuring has been… Fine, I suppose, but I can’t see myself doing it forever.” She frowned. “However, I don’t know if there are any jobs I would enjoy in this technologically backward world.”

“What kind of job would you want if it wasn’t technologically backward?” Sam asked.

“Most of my experience on Earth was in management thanks to my father, so I guess something like that?”

Sam set David Junior the Second onto her lap and then shrugged. “You could still probably boss people around if you made your own company. You could probably even use the gold that we’re getting from adventuring as your capital!”

“True, but I suppose that locks me into being a [Merchant] then. What would I even sell?”

“Whatever people are buying?”

Emilia gave Sam a dubious look. “Gee. Thanks.”

“Hey! It was just an idea! I don’t know much about business, okay?”

Emilia hmpphed. “Next, you’re going to tell me that the key to the stock market was to buy low and sell high.”

“I mean… Sounds like good advice to me?”

Emilia scowled, and the rest of us laughed.

“And what grand plans do you have after this?” Emilia asked Sam.

“I think, for now, it’s just to continue adventuring.” She glanced over at Garrett. “But, I guess that could change.”

Lindsey nudged her and then whispered in her ear. Sam giggled. “Lindsey says I better keep adventuring, or she’s going to kick my butt.” Sam grinned sheepishly. “I guess it’s mostly my fault that she’s such a defensive class.”

I nodded along, and Sam finally directed the question at me. “What about you, Titus? What are your plans after all of this?”

I looked over at Jake. “I was hoping there’d still be room for me in the [Hero’s] party.”

A look of recognition came over his face. “Oh yeah, we still have to find you your way home, don’t we.”

That brought the mood down a bit, and Sam also said, “Right. I forgot you want to leave.”

I can’t exactly tell them that I know for a fact I’ll be stuck here. I shrugged and tried to deflect a bit. “Yeah, but that wasn’t the only reason I would want to keep adventuring. I’m not quite sure what I would do with my [General] subclass anyway.”

“[General]?” Garrett asked.

Oh, right. I never told them. “I didn’t tell you guys earlier because I wasn’t sure you’d believe me, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag.” I paused. “It’s a bit of a story, though.”

Sam gasped. “You hear that, David Junior? Story time!”

That sealed the deal, so I told my story to 7 attentive audience members. Only 7 because Megan had disappeared sometime during our chat, and David Junior the Second could hardly be called attentive.

I went over arriving in Faroff, saving Richard’s life, and building up my army for a battle against the undead heart. It didn’t take too long to go over, but it did remind me exactly how sketchy the fight got right at the end.

When I finished, Jake shook his head. “Yeesh. That boss sounds terrifying. Constantly reviving the monsters in the area?” He shook his head again.

I shrugged. “Well, you wouldn’t have had as much of a problem. As long as you loot the bodies, they can’t come back, and I bet [Monster Magnet] inflated their numbers quite a bit.” I thought a bit more about how the matchup would go. “Also, I bet [Sunder] would’ve torn the boss to pieces. On the other hand, you wouldn’t have had an army of daves to soften them up.”

There was a lull in the conversation after that, so I figured I would direct the question at the only two who hadn’t answered. “What about you, Andrew and Tim? What are you two going to do when this is all over?”

Andrew looked over at Tim and said, “Whatever Tim is up to, I’m going to be there to support him.”

Tim grimaced, but I’m not sure Andrew noticed.

That was also the first time I had taken a close look at Tim in a while. He was still growing abnormally fast. “Hey, Tim,” I said. “How old does the System have you at these days?”

“15,” Tim replied. “Why?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just curious.” 15… I wonder if he’s going to go through his rebellious phase sooner rather than later. I cringed a bit. I doubt Andrew will take that well.

“As for my occupation after we’re done defeating the [Demon Lord]…” Tim continued. “I also haven’t given it enough thought.” He paused again for a few more seconds. “I believe I might continue adventuring for a while, but after that, I want to study magic. I’m sure there must be more to it than just having a few spells available dependent on class.”

“Huh. Cool.”

We looked at the slowly dying fire, and Jake got up and stretched. “I think it’s about time to hit the hay.” The rest of the party agreed, so the fire was put out, the party got ready for bed, and Jake whispered something to Emilia. They both snuck off into the woods when no one was looking.

Well, when no one but me was looking. I didn’t have much to do besides people watch since I didn’t exactly have camp duties.

I decided to watch and wait for their return. I could have gone out to spy on them more directly, but I wasn’t sure exactly what I would be interrupting.

I was glad I didn’t interrupt. It was pretty dark when Jake and Emilia came back, and I saw them walking together hand in hand. Then they paused, kissed goodnight (a bit awkwardly), and went to their separate tents.

When Jake made it back to his tent, I was already in there waiting in ambush.

“Dawwww,” I said as Jake opened up his tent.

“Frick!” Jake jumped. Then his voice turned to a whisper. “Yeesh. Titus, you almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry,” I whispered back. “How was your date?”

“Date?”

“Yes. Boy goes off into woods at night alone with girl. They come back, walking hand in hand. They kiss goodnight. Date.”

He looked down and ran his hand through his hair sheepishly. “You saw all of that, huh?”

“Yup.”

“I guess… It went well? It wasn’t really a date, though… More… Asking her out?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re just now asking her out? Really?”

“Hey!” he whispered indignantly. “You ruined my perfect opportunity last night!”

“What? How could I have possibly done that?”

“It was a beautiful moonlit night. We were alone together. I had just stopped her and was going to ask…”

“And?” I prompted him.

“And that huge wave of monsters you pulled showed up right then!”

I winced. “Ah… Umm. Sorry?”

Jake sighed. “No worries. It wasn’t like you planned it or anything.”

We looked at each other for a second.

“Well, uhh… Can you get out of my tent?” he asked.

“Oh, right. Yeah.” I awkwardly shuffled past him. “Ummm... Goodnight! Sleep well.”

“You too.” He paused. “I mean, for the goodnight part… Since you don’t sleep, and all.”

With that awkward conversation ended with an equally awkward parting, Jake went to sleep, and I went and sat down under a tree.

What am I going to do until morning?

I came up with an idea fairly quickly. However, it wasn’t going to eat up terribly much time. It would also be fairly loud, and Sam would pitch a fit if she knew about it.

I walked a decent ways away from camp and then summoned two daves.

“Okay, time to test the cooldown.” I raised my arm in the direction of the dave on my left. “[Disrupt].” My snap echoed as usual, and the dave vanished. I immediately turned to the other one and tried again. “[Disrupt].”

Another snap, but this one didn’t echo. I could also vaguely feel the cooldown ticking down. “Hmm. About a minute cooldown. And what resources did it take?”

I flipped open my status. “Not MP. Not SP… Not HP? Does [Disrupt] not have a cost?” I shook my head. Dang, this skill is broken. I can completely destroy a spell every minute. That made me pause. Wait. Didn’t this also work on skills too? I went back to consciously thinking about what I subconsciously knew about the skill, which always threw my brain for a loop.

I think so? Does this mean I could [Disrupt] [Sunder]? They even have the same cooldown. I shook my head. Oh well, that doesn’t matter, right? No need to fight the [Hero] after all.

The next thing I tested was if pointing and snapping were really required to use the skill. For that, it turned out I could use it without pointing, but I still had to snap and look at my target. Also, since it was a skill, saying the name was optional too.

I nodded to myself. “That was a good experiment. Now I just have… 7 hours left to go.”

I flopped into the snow.

People on Earth always wished they didn’t need sleep, but I’m really starting to miss it. I idly watched a few snowflakes fall. Though, maybe that’s just because I’m the only one who doesn’t need it. It’d be different if everyone was up all the time with me.

So… Spend time thinking through things? I immediately sat up. “Nope. There’s gotta be something else I can be doing, right? Practice magic?” I shook my head. “[Summon Dave].” The dave plopped out and sat there.

“Done. Uhhh… Skills? Maybe I could grind towards a level in [Martial Arts]?” I frowned. “That’s just… Practicing. Right? Huh. I guess I practice then.”

There was nothing better to do, so I started throwing some half-hearted punches.

I don’t think this will help me get to [Martial Arts] level 5. In most games, you have to actually be in combat to gain experience towards skills. I frowned. Then again, most games don’t have 6 months straight of fighting be only worth level 4.

I sighed. “Okay, at least it’s something to do.” I tried to focus more on my form and my footwork, and the second part gave me pause. I facepalmed. Yeah, there’s definitely something I can work on, and it’s not punching.

I jumped and did a forward kick. I then immediately lost my balance and landed flat on my back.

As I sat there looking up at the stars, I muttered, “You know… It kinda makes sense that I’m not at level 5 with [Martial Arts] yet.”

I dusted the snow off and then kept trying. I figured it would be a good idea to ask someone with actual martial arts experience, but I didn’t think it would be wise to wake Lindsey up in the middle of the night to just ask for some pointers.

So, I somehow managed to while away the hours that night by practicing whatever kicks I could vaguely remember from Earth. Though part of me wondered if I was remembering movie versions of kicks that were completely impossible, I kept trying anyway because I was working with a video game body, so Earth-physics didn’t necessarily have the last say.

Either way, when morning hit and Jake sent a “gather up” message through the party, I was relieved.

I made my way back to camp, and Jake waved to me. “Have a good night?”

I shrugged. “I guess. It was kind of boring.” We chatted a bit as the party ate breakfast and got ready, and then we headed out.

There’s not much to say about our travel that day, at least not until Sam came up to me during one of our walking breaks.

“You need perk points to get an inventory, right?” she asked.

“Yup. Then I need even more if I want to use weapons or armor. I need as many as I can get,” I replied.

“Then, why don’t we try to cheese out more achievements?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Which ones do you know of? I can’t exactly get the Skilled achievement any faster.”

“Well, I don’t know of any, but don’t most games tier achievements? There was one for 50 duels won, but what about 100? Or 250?”

I stopped in my tracks. Sam went a few more steps before stopping too.

“Titus?” she half-said, half-asked.

I walked up to her and put my hands on her shoulders. “Sam, you’re an absolute genius! Why didn’t I think of that earlier!?”

She chuckled nervously, and the rest of the party stopped.

I immediately let go. “Sorry about that. Well, uhh, rock-paper-scissors again?”

“Sure,” she replied, a bit distracted since she was setting up a duel.

“And the first one has to include a condition for no win conditions on the rest of them,” I said.

“Of course!” she said with a slight smirk.

“And no loss conditions either!”

She scowled. “Fine.” Then she muttered. “Spoilsport.”

I scrutinized the duel offer that she sent over after that, and I didn’t see any loopholes with it. So, with that, Sam lost a duel to put me up to 51 wins. However, after that, she insisted that she get the achievement first because it was her idea. I grudgingly agreed, so I started throwing rock into her paper.

I also started counting her wins because I knew it was going to be quite a while.

“51.” Another loss. “52.”

We passed 100 and then 200. Maybe 250? Or maybe it’s something like 500 or a thousand. I kept that thought to myself, zoned out, and just kept losing at rock-paper-scissors.

“229… 230… 231… 232… 233… Toe hunnred and firthy-fooow.” What? The babyish words that came out of my mouth snapped me back to attention. Well, my words, Sam’s giggling, and the message from the system.

System: Duel outcome – Draw. Draw results. Titus has to talk like a baby for the rest of the day

I wasn’t sure if I should be proud of her rules-lawyering or if I should be mad at her abusing my trust. I settled for a glare in her direction and an exasperated sigh.

She smirked and sent me another duel invite.

I declined and sent her one of my own. It was also rock-paper-scissors, but I had “the results of the previous duel are nullified” in case of Sam’s victory, my victory, or a draw.

She chuckled. “You think the system would allow something like that?”

Then she saw my dead-serious look.

“Wait…”

I watched in confusion as her face went through a gamut of emotions. “You asp hole!” she shouted and then stormed off.

“Everything alright?” Jake asked.

I gave a helpless shrug.

“What happened?”

A couple of rounds of charades later (I was NOT going to try to explain a situation that complex while talking like a baby), and Jake finally gathered that I wasn’t really able to talk. That’s about it though, charades wasn’t exactly my strong suit.

I tried to get Sam to accept a duel that would rescind my punishment, but she refused to acknowledge me the rest of the day. In fact, she refused to talk to anyone in the party (including Lindsey!) for the rest of the day.

I figured that I had messed up, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how.

So, the rest of the day passed with me being functionally mute. That got even more awkward when we stopped for the night, and I tried to ask the party member who was actually functionally mute for tips on kicks. It mostly devolved into sending her “gather” through the party, showing her a kick, and then just looking generally helpless.

Fortunately, she caught on pretty quickly and showed me exactly how I was butchering a few different kicks.

I gave her a bow when she finished, and I caught a hint of a smile at that. I was grateful that I didn’t manage to somehow offend her too. If I did, then all I would have to do is insult feminists, and I could have ALL the girls in our party not talking to me. With that uplifting thought, I was off to practice while the rest of the party went to sleep.

I practiced for about an hour but then decided to take a break to get some stamina back.

That’s when I heard the crying.

I felt through the party and found the culprit. Sam? I was about to call out, but then I had a thought. Has the duel run out yet? I thought back over the terms. It said the rest of the day, so it’s night now, right? That should count? I wasn’t 100% convinced, but I called out anyway.

“Sam, are you okay?”

I heard a sniff and then a quiet. “Just go away.”

I walked around the tree she was sitting against. Her eyes were red, and she was clutching her dave to her like a lifeline.

“I don’t know what I did, but-“ I started.

“I SAID, GO AWAY!” she shouted. “[MAGE BOLT]!”

The ethereal black bolt struck me in the face.

4 points of damage barely registered compared to some of the pain that I had suffered. However, the situation was already annoying as it was.

I ground my teeth and tried to get my anger under control. Calm down. I chided myself. What would the [Hero] do? I remembered all the times I had ticked him off.

…

There was a distressing amount of material for that.

…

Right. Breathing.

I tried to mimic his breathing. In for a bit. Hold. Out for a bit. Hold.

Then I belatedly realized that the rest of the party was currently being roused because I had taken damage. I tried to send across that I was fine and that it was just an accident. I think I ended up getting across “stand down,” which worked well enough.

Meanwhile, Sam still had her hand pointed in my direction, even while the other clutched her pet. “I said, go away!” she said. “I’ll shoot again.”

I clenched my fist hard enough that I would have drawn blood on earth and then said through my gritted teeth, “And I will. As soon as you tell me what the frick I did so I can apologize.”

My wrath aura was definitely leaking out, and Sam’s derisive laugh was evidence of that. “As if you didn’t know! I bet you all got a good laugh out of it!” She adopted a deeper voice. “Sorry, I can’t take back the conditions of the duel.” She snorted. “I bet you even told Garrett so that you all could laugh about it behind my back,” there was still vitriol in her voice, but it was being overcome by the tears that she was trying not to shed.

“What?” I understood what she was saying, but I had absolutely zero idea how she came to that conclusion.

“There goes Sam the useless [Sorceress]! Let’s watch her crash and burn as she goes for someone way out of her league!”

“Useless?” I was completely dumbfounded and reduced to parroting her words.

“Don’t patronize me!” she snapped. “I can do the math. I’m not the [Hero], or even like Garrett or Lindsey who keep the party safe. I can’t heal like Andrew, and ranged damage is already covered by Emilia and Tim, who do it better than me! And even you have your special summons. I thought being an [Elemental Sorceress] would make me useful! Or special! But it didn’t! I’m useless!” She burst back into tears. “So, just leave me alone. Take the whole stupid party and go on without me.”

My anger was mostly forgotten at that point. I was too stunned for words, so I just stood there. I had finally seen some of what Sam was hiding behind her ever-cheerful facade.

I wanted to help her, but I wasn’t exactly sure how. Then, I had an idea. It was honestly an awful idea. It was a dirty trick. It had all the social grace of a bludgeon over the head. However, I couldn’t come up with anything better, and I knew I needed to do something.

One last look at the weeping girl in front of me, and I made my decision.

After all, it’s not like [Demon Lords] are known to play fair, right?

----

Sam was sure that at any moment, Titus would just laugh at her and confirm all her worst fears. The party hated her. They were all just pretending to like her. They laughed at her constantly behind her back.

However, he paused and didn’t say anything for a bit, and she got even more concerned.

When he did finally speak, his words surprised her.

“How dare you,” he said.

What? She looked up at the [Half-Demon] who was looking livid.

“How dare you insult them. They saved my life!”

Sam was expecting a few things. Maybe he would laugh at her, or maybe he would lie and keep up the charade for a while longer. She didn’t expect an accusation that came out of basically nowhere.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Titus asked, and Sam could tell he was getting angrier.

She panicked. What did I say? Who did insult? “Uhh, I’m sorry!” she said and wiped at some of her tears.

“That’s not good enough,” he sneered. “I challenge you to a duel.”

System: You have been challenged to a duel by Titus

Restrictions: None

Victory condition: 1/2 HP or opponent surrender

On Titus Victory: Sam will never insult the person who saved Titus’ life again

On Sam Victory: N/A

She had never seen Titus actus like this before, and she gave a self-deprecating laugh. “You know I won’t stand a chance.”

He crossed his arms. “Fine. Accept, but just surrender.”

“Okay, fine,” she said. “I accept.” She waited until the duel started and then just said, “I surrender.” As the system informed her of the outcome, she couldn’t help but ask. “And who did I insult anyway?”

Titus sat down heavily right next to her, and Sam almost jumped. His angry persona was gone, and Sam was even more confused.

“You still haven’t figured it out?” Titus asked. “Wow. I guess this might have been even more necessary than I thought.”

“Was it Jake?” Sam asked. Titus shook his head. “Garrett?” Another head shake. “Lindsey?” A slightly more exasperated head shake. Sam paused and thought for a bit and then asked dubiously. “Megan?”

Titus flicked her in the forehead.

“Ow!” Sam said out of reflex.

“It’s you, you dolt,” Titus said.

Sam racked her brain but couldn’t think of what on Earth Titus was talking about.

Meanwhile, Titus watched her for a bit before sighing. “Air wolves? Faroff Forest dungeon boss?”

Sam still came up with nothing.

“Huh,” Titus said. “We were on the air wolves. Only you and I could damage them, and we were making good progress, but one snuck up behind me right as one hit me from the front.” He gestured back and forth with his hand. “So, I got ping-ponged back and forth, and it would have continued until I died. You [Air Bolted] one of the wolves and saved my life.”

Oh. Sam chuckled sheepishly. “I uhh... Didn’t even know you were in trouble. I was just blastin’ whichever ones I saw.”

Sam was worried Titus would be angry about that, but instead, he burst out laughing.

“So…” Sam said hesitantly. “You’re not actually mad?”

Titus shook his head. “No.” Then he looked like he was weighing that statement. “Okay, I’m mostly not mad. I’m not gonna lie, a [Mage Bolt] to the face is a spectacular way to tick someone off. However, after I got that in check, everything else was just an act.”

I don’t think he’s lying. Sam thought. She thought back over what had just happened and realized that she had been unnaturally angry initially, but that vanished before he sent the duel. He definitely stopped his wrath aura then. Sam thought about the results of the duel and shook her head. “So, I can’t… Insult myself? Why go to all the trouble for that?”

“Look me in the eyes,” Titus said and put his hand on her shoulder. Sam did so, though it was a bit hard to keep eye contact with his red-colored eyes staring at her. “You are a valued and important member of this party, and I’m glad you’re here.”

Despite what he said, he was the one to break eye-contact first. He scratched his cheek awkwardly and continued. “And, I kinda think of you like the younger sister I never had.” He paused. “Wait. How old are you?”

“Don’t you know?” Sam replied. “A lady never tells her age.”

There wasn’t even a pause before Titus shot back, “Well, it’s a good thing you’re hardly a lady.”

You jerk! Sam just looked at him. “Really? So the reason that I can’t insult myself is that you don’t want any competition?”

Titus grinned. “Pretty much. Nobody insults my little sis but me! I’ll beat up anyone who does!”

“Even your little sis?”

“Especially my little sis! That’s what older brothers are for, right?”

Sam couldn’t help the slight smile that came to her face. “You’re terrible, you know that?”

“Yup.”

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes after that, and they both sat in comfortable silence.

Titus was the first to break it. “I know this may be an awful time to ask, but I can’t help but be curious. Why don’t you want to go back to Earth?”

Sam unconsciously gripped her pet tighter. “That’s a long story.”

Titus hurriedly followed up. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I already made your day carp enough.”

Sam looked at Titus, and they both laughed at the chat filter’s word choice.

I haven’t really talked about it with anyone except Lindsey. Sam thought. “I guess the day can’t get much worse, so why not?”

----

I did my best to listen to Sam’s story without saying anything. However, she was definitely struggling to tell it. Not just because it was difficult to go over, but the restrictions I put in place with our duel were also causing her problems.

For example, when she tried to explain that she didn’t do well in school, she couldn’t simply call herself a “bad student.” And then her relationship with her parents couldn’t be summed up as she was “a disappointment.”

She talked about how during her teenage years, her version of rebellion was sneaking out to parties, and later on, clubs. She never got in lasting trouble for it, though, because her parents had influence, and they didn’t want their daughter’s record to tarnish their name.

“Then there was the night that was kinda the worst,” Sam said. Then she paused a bit. “But I also met Lindsey, so I guess it wasn’t all bad.”

“What happened?”

She took a deep breath. “Well, I had snuck into yet another party while I was underage. It was basically a normal Friday for me, but I saw a guy who was making a really shy-looking girl uncomfortable.” She gave me a deadpan look. “Spoiler-alert, that was Lindsey.” She went back to facing slightly away from me. “Anyway, I could tell at a glance that she was not having a good time and that the guy was bothering her.” She shrugged. “So, I went up and pretended that we were friends and managed to get the dirtbag to leave her alone.”

Sam laughed. “I was a bit annoyed that all Lindsey said that night to me was thank you, but you can understand how big of a deal that was.” She shook her head. “Anyway, the whole thing kinda put a sour taste in my mouth, so I ended up calling it a night a bit earlier than normal,” she said. “Then…” She shuddered.

“Then?”

“The guy was waiting for me when I went outside,” she stated flatly. “He grabbed me and started dragging me away.”

“I’m… So sorry.”

She gave me a weak grin. “Don’t worry about it, I didn’t get to the good part. I managed to scream a bit before he clamped a hand over my mouth, and I guess Lindsey heard it.” She laughed dryly. “Did you know that Lindsey already had a black belt in jiu-jitsu by then? Mr. Creep got beat to a bloody pulp, and Lindsey and I have been friends ever since.”

I had no idea what to say to that. “That’s… One way to make friends, I guess?” I said lamely.

She wasn’t entirely done with her story. After that, she talked about how Lindsey practically started living at her house, which was a definite upgrade for Lindsey because she had been living with her financially-struggling grandmother. Then she told me how she stopped partying because of her last experience and instead started “finding new and exciting ways to disappoint her parents,” like video games (mostly shooters) and anime (which she successfully sucked Lindsey into with her).

During her story, she talked a lot about Lindsey. It sounded like she really just loved her BFF on a surface layer, but I couldn’t help but read between the lines. When she talked about Lindsey making the National Honor Society for her grades, I only heard Sam calling herself stupid. When she talked about Lindsey winning championships in jiu-jitsu, I only heard Sam calling herself weak. When she talked about how beautiful Lindsey looked at winter formal and how the guys all wanted to ask her, I only heard Sam calling herself ugly and unwanted.

“So, you see? I don’t want to go back because I… I…” Sam had managed to maintain a somewhat light tone throughout her entire story, but she finally broke down crying. “I just don’t feel like I belong back there, and now I feel like I don’t belong here either, and I-“

She didn’t get to finish that thought before I almost violently wrapped her in a hug. I was nearing tears myself. “No,” I managed to get out. “You belong in our party just as much as anyone else, and I’ll beat the tar out of anyone who says otherwise.”

I held her for about another minute until it sounded like she was done crying.

When I finally let go, she gave one last sniff and then said, “So, when you say you’ll beat the tar out of anyone-“

I gave her my best mock-glare. “That goes doubly true for you, missy!”

She paused for a bit and then gave a small smirk. “I think I want a new big brother,” she said.

I clutched at my chest in mock pain. “Oh no! Replaced so soon!” I raised an eyebrow. “But who would you replace me with?”

“Hmm, maybe Jake?”

“Curse you [Hero]! Stealing my little sister from me!” I shook my fist in mock rage. Then I paused. “Wait. He can’t be your older brother because he’s legally Garrett’s son. That would mean if you married Garrett…” I shuddered. “I can hear the banjos already.”

She lightly punched me. “You know that they’re more like brothers than anything!” Her eyes suddenly went wide. “Carp. Do you know how old Garrett is?”

“I think when we met, he said he was thirty-four?”

“Oh no,” Sam murmured. “Uhh… What’s half of thirty-four, plus seven?”

17, plus 7. “24,” I answered. “Why?”

“I’m an-“ she paused as she couldn’t complete the insult. “I messed up.”

“How?”

“I’m two years out of his strike range!” she said. “Even if he did want to date me, that would be soooo awkward.”

I was growing more confused. “Okay, back up. I think I missed something. What’s this about strike range and two years?”

She gave me a disappointed look. “Really? Did you not spend any time on the Internet back on Earth?”

I shrugged awkwardly. “Uhh, I think I spent a lot? I don’t really remember.”

She grimaced. “Right. Sorry…” She coughed and took on a lecturing tone. “The half your age plus seven rule. People who try to date someone who is younger than half their age plus seven are creepy!”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Is that how the rule is actually worded?”

She looked thoughtful. “I don’t know if I ever actually saw it written down.”

So, I, of course, immediately thought about boundary and edge cases. “Does that mean that you have to be at least 14 to date? Otherwise, it’s creepy?”

She gave me a confused look.

I continued. “Well, half of 14 plus 7 is 14. So, people who are 14 can only date people who are 14, but everyone younger than that would have a minimum age older than them.” I shuddered. “And I don’t think a 100-year-old should date a 57-year-old.”

She shook her head. “You might be overthinking this.”

“And that also means that you’re 22 because you said you were two years out of his strike range, and you definitely aren’t…” I paused to do the math. “56.” I realized something else. “Wait. But how would Garrett know your age?”

Sam grimaced. “I may have mentioned it during my birthday last September.”

“Huh.” I thought about the other side of the coin for a second. “And you’re okay with him being 12 years older than you?”

“I mean, just because it’s him, you know? I wouldn’t normally consider someone that much older, but Garrett is just…” She paused. “Sorry, I bet you don’t really want to hear me gush about Garrett.”

I shook my head. “Not really. No.”

There was a lull in the conversation, so I stood up, dusted some of the snow off, and said, “I think I should probably let you get to bed.”

She grabbed my pant leg. “Wait. Can you stay with me? For just a few more minutes?... I don’t want to go back quite yet.”

I paused only briefly before sitting back down. “Of course.”

We didn’t say a word, and a minute stretched on to two… Then three… Then five.

I was starting to wonder how much longer I should give her when my thoughts were interrupted by a snore.

She had fallen asleep against the tree with David Junior the Second still clutched tight.

I gingerly picked up both her and her pet and took them back to her tent.

Part of it was definitely because she looked so peaceful that I didn’t want to wake her up, but I do have to admit that my motives were not purely altruistic. Sam had woken up my big brother instincts, and I knew that if I played it right, I could tease her about it for years to come.

[1] IFF – Identification Friend or Foe. A military term for radar-based identification. When used by gamers it means more along the line of “my attacks won’t hit people or things I view as friendly.”