That Which Will Never Be Forgiven

“Oh, my dear mother, what have you done? It’s his blood on your hands and your hands on the gun. [...] My precious daughter, I did this for you. You don’t need to forgive him, I punished his sins.”

-from “Ema’s Mother’s Revenge”, popular song from Terlin

Because they had accelerated just slightly more on the return journey, their point of relative zero velocity with the Sky Boat was a fair distance off from the actual fight. The pilot disengaged the engines, and everyone was able to assess the situation before them. Yan and Sid climbed out of their seats and moved towards the front of the shuttle where Harber and the pilot were sitting.

Through the window, the ships were visible as general shapes, onboard lights illuminating the action. The scope had a clearer picture, superimposing the infrared and visible spectrum to build a more complete image of the action.

Over the scope, they could see the two large ships, both created from mined out asteroids. The Sky Boat, though larger and originally better maintained, was looking the worse for wear. A hole had been ripped in her side, seemingly out of one of the cargo bays. A trail of debris extended out from that major, though not fatal, wound. Smaller ships, shuttles and dogfighters, were making their way from the pirate ship to the Sky Boat, passing the mangled remains of what Yan suspected was one of the dogfighters that had not flown when the Sky Boat had originally entered the zone.

Several of the Sky Boat's defensive guns still seemed able to fire, but were not in the ideal position. Clearly, the more maneuverable firepower of the pirate's dogfighers had won this part of the engagement. Was the Sky Boat not adjusting her position because she was too wounded, or because she wanted to protect her other side from the big guns carried by the pirates? Yan couldn't tell.

The pilot fired the thrusters to give the shuttle a small forward velocity, that edged them closer to the engagement.

One of the pirate shuttles had made it close to the hole blasted in the side of the Sky Boat. It had launched a tether to secure the small ship to the side of the Sky Boat. On the scope, Yan could just make out tiny figures exiting the shuttle and flying towards the hole. She pointed it out to the rest of the crew of their own shuttle.

"They're trying to board there," Yan said.

"Should we signal the Sky Boat?" Iri asked, coming up behind Yan.

"No, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves," Harber said.

"Too late for that," Yan said, pointing again at one of the smaller ships that was making its way from the pirate vessel to the Sky Boat. That shuttle turned to face them, and shone a light in their direction. That group of pirates must have observed the heat from their thrusters and engine as Yan's group came in hot.

"Can we take evasive action?" Harber asked.

"If we aren't strapped in, we can't pull more than half-grav," Yan said. "Sid, can you shield us?"

Sid nodded, and Yan felt his power structure spring into place around them, a sphere that extended half a meter around the whole shuttle. As she felt it come up, Yan wished she had actually taken the defense, because Sid holding the barrier meant that she would be responsible for the offense.

Peering into the scope's screen, Yan mentally sorted through the rubble that had been strewn about the battlefield. She was unwilling to take a chunk of a torn apart cargo container, and she disregarded the crushed looking dogfighter in the middle of the fracas, just in case there were still people alive on there. There did seem to be a fair amount of ore spilled out of the hole in the side of the Sky Boat, so Yan selected a sizable piece.

There was an odd feeling of disconnect as she tethered it with the power. Yan could feel it move in her mind, but the image on the scope was ever so slightly delayed, and it gave her experimental nudges to the large piece of ore a rubbery feeling that she didn't appreciate. Still, it would have to do. Despite Sid's protection of the shuttle, Yan didn't want to get any closer to the scene of the fighting than she had to.

Yan tried to convince herself that she felt numb as she began to fling her rock chunk around. The first thing she targeted with it was the ship that was shining its light on them. Though she could have used the power directly on the shuttle, Yan thought it was a good idea to get used to the feeling of the massive rock. Also, Yan didn't want to yet face the reality of hitting a person. A shuttle was a large, easy target.

In space it was comically easy to use the power at great distances. There wasn't anything there to distract her. There was no feeling of air around what you were manipulating, no objects or horizon blocking the line of sight, no heavy interference of gravity, or the feeling of life all around. It was always just a straight shot. Empty distances melted away, and Yan brought her rock careening forward.

She smashed the rock directly into the front of the pirate shuttle, where it looked like its guns were. The shuttle was sent careening backwards, and Yan's ore chunk shattered in the collision.

It was impossible to tell if the pirate shuttle was permanently disabled, but at least it had stopped lighting them up.

"Sid, can you just nudge us a little? We need to get to a new position without heating up," Yan said. She felt vaguely guilty for not talking to him in sign, but speed was of the essence and she had her eyes locked on the scope. It was funny that in such a tense situation Yan couldn’t stop thinking about how to best talk to Sid. There were a lot of confusing feelings and thoughts flying through her head, faster than she could really process. Almost none of those thoughts were useful.

"Hold on," Sid said. Everyone not strapped to their seats grabbed the nearest piece of furniture, and Sid yanked the shuttle violently to the left. It was a miserable feeling of impact, even though the ship hadn't been touched by anything, but it did give them a velocity that would move them invisibly away from their previous course.

Yan realized that she could have just used the power on the shuttle she had attacked directly, but she still felt better about using the rock, at least on that target. As for the boarding party, she wouldn’t have the focus required to manipulate another person with the power. That was above her level, and it felt much more horrible than the thought of hitting them.

"Thanks," Yan said. Her shoulders ached from the jolt. She focused again on the scope, gathering up another chunk of ore.

God forgive me. Mother forgive me. Yan thought.

She swung the ore up out of the debris around the bay and then towards the figures latching on to the sides of the Sky Boat. As the rock she was manipulating gathered speed, she barely had any time to think about what the ideal path for the rock would be. She zigzagged it haphazardly. Yan did her best to keep it from colliding with anything unnecessary and losing speed.

She knocked away the shuttle that was unloading them first, severing its tether. Luckily, her ore didn't shatter this time. She brought the rock hurtling forward.

Yan did her best to aim for the legs of the boarding party rather than any vital organs, but the figures on the scope were tiny, and her ore chunk was large and heavy. In the end, Yan didn't think it made much difference.

Some of the people were sent spinning off into space. Others vanished from the scope, torn apart or smashed into the sides of the Sky Boat. The images on the scope were grainy and small, but Yan’s imagination filled in plenty of detail where the actual image lacked. She worked through it all, though. Every boarder that she saw was targeted and destroyed.

Bile rose in Yan's throat. She gagged and coughed, breaking her eyes away from the scope as her rock sent the last of the tiny figures flying off into space. Behind her, Iri retrieved a first aid kit from the wall and pulled a vomit bag from it, handing it to Yan. Iri patted her on the back as she choked into the bag, but it wasn't much relief. Yan wiped at her face with her sleeve and found she was not only sweaty, but also crying.

"Sid, can you- the dogs-" Yan managed to say between her choking coughs. Iri was still rubbing her back.

Sid nodded, and Yan felt the power he was holding around their shuttle fall as he turned his attention to the several pirate dogfighters that had spread out from the battle. Yan didn't know if the dogfighters understood that their shuttle was the one destroying the boarding party. Everyone on Shuttle 4 knew that they didn't want to get caught by the pirates' dogfighters, regardless. And if the dogfighters were spreading out from their original task of blasting the Sky Boat's vulnerable or important parts, then it stood to reason that they might be searching for them.

Yan, even through her sick feeling, made her own shield around their shuttle. If the dogfighters did spot them and fire, Yan's power structure would deflect anything with enough momentum to hurt their shuttle. Because holding this power structure didn't require any visual attention, Yan closed her eyes and tried to ignore the tense gasps of the people around her as they watched Sid tear through the dogfighters on the scope. Yan didn't want to see it happen.

Maybe she should have taken them out first, rather than trying to stop the boarders. She could have tried to disable them without... It didn't matter. Whatever Sid was doing, Yan had to trust that he was making the decision that would keep them and the Sky Boat safe until the Sky Boat's own dogs returned.

After what seemed like an interminable amount of time, Harber spoke up. Yan had kept her eyes closed, not wanting to see what was happening. Iri was still rubbing her back awkwardly.

"Is it safe enough to signal the Sky Boat?" Harber asked.

"Their main ship is moving away. I don't think they have anything left to come after us," Sid said in a halting way, as though he had forgotten how his own body operated. Yan opened her eyes to look at him, and he was pale, sweaty, and shivering slightly. Their eyes met, and he offered her a shaky smile, knocking on the underside of his chin. Chin up.

Yan looked at him blankly, but that was better than looking at whatever he had done on the scope.

"Sky Boat, this is Shuttle 4, are you receiving?" Harber asked over the radio.

The message that came back was crackly, as though the Sky Boat's main transmitter had been knocked out, and they were sending out a lower powered message from their backup.

"Sky Boat here. What's your status Shuttle 4?" Although it was hard to tell any tone over the weak radio, the voice over the radio registered somewhere in Yan's mind as sounding wary.

"We are uninjured. We request permission to come aboard," Harber said. For all that Shuttle 4 technically belonged to the Sky Boat in the first place, it seemed that their status was in question.

There was a moment of silence over the radio before the Sky Boat responded. A generous explanation was that they were checking to see if they had any empty and undamaged bays in which the shuttle could land. The ungenerous explanation would be that they hesitated because they were afraid.

"Bay 3 is undamaged. Be wary of debris on your approach," Sky Boat sent.

"Understood," Harber said over the radio, consulting the navigational chart the pilot had opened. "We are heading towards Bay 3. Lead time of... ten minutes."

"Let's get back in our seats, ok?" Iri said gently, tugging on Yan's jumpsuit and sending Yan slowly drifting back towards her seat in the back of the shuttle. She was still clutching her bag that she had spit up into, and she stared at it blankly for a second as she tried to figure out how to hold it and buckle herself in at the same time. Iri took it from her after a moment. Numbly, Yan buckled herself back in between Sid and Iri, who disposed of the vomit bag in a nearby trash bin.

Yan didn't have the ability to process any of it right that second. Not the fact that she had probably just killed a whole bunch of people, and that Sid had probably killed more. Not the fact that the pirates and the Sky Boat were just sitting there within spitting distance of each other, since they had reached an uncomfortable semi stalemate until the Sky Boat could jump away. Not the fact that the people on the Sky Boat would feel... Yan didn't even know what they were going to feel when the shuttle came back. And certainly not the fact that they were all still alive and relatively unharmed.

Relatively. Physically, anyway.

Yan was pressed back against the seat as the shuttle accelerated towards the Sky Boat, but it was nothing like the crushing feeling from before. Yan was still holding up the power structure that kept projectiles away from their shuttle, and it came in handy as she felt several chunks of rock from the blasted part of the Sky Boat hit her shield and bounce away.

Next to her, Sid stretched out his hand and grabbed hers. They both had such sweaty hands that in any other situation Yan might have withdrawn hers and wiped it on her clothes. But this was extenuating circumstances. Sid didn't try to send her any message in the power, just held her sweaty hand comfortingly.

From her seat, Yan could only see out the front window if she craned her neck, which she didn't feel inclined to do. She only knew they were finally within the Sky Boat when the shuttle bumped into the deck of the bay. Everyone unbuckled and waited for the bay to fully pressurize so that they could finally climb out of the shuttle.

Aside from the pilot talking softly over the ship's coms, everyone was tense and silent as they exited. The atmosphere was thick with something unpleasant. For the Fleet group that had been sent to guard Yan and Sid, Yan could imagine that they felt a mixture of powerlessness and relief that they were alive. Harber was probably mad at them. Iri and Hernan, Yan didn't know what they were thinking or feeling.

The bay was large and the air was cool. Unbidden, relief washed over Yan that she wasn't going to have to spend the next several weeks trapped in the crowded shuttle. If they hadn't turned around, with the state the Sky Boat had been in, they would have been resigned to that, in the best case scenario.

Sid took off his cassock and draped it over his arm, revealing his sweat soaked shirt. Had it really been so hot in the shuttle, or was this just the tension they were feeling?

"Come on," Harber said, coming up behind Yan and Sid. "We need to leave the bay so they can depressurize it. One of the dogs is coming in."

The group gathered themselves as the pilot locked down the shuttle and headed out into the halls of the Sky Boat proper. In the hall, Harber gave a signal dismissing his group. Only Yan, Sid, Iri, and Hernan remained in the hallway. Hernan and Sid had an exchange in sign that was too fast for Yan to follow, and Hernan shrugged and headed away.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Iri asked Yan softly.

"Where are we going?" Yan asked flatly.

"We're wanted on the bridge," Harber said.

"Oh. You can come," Yan said. She didn't really have a strong feeling about it, but Iri looked like she wanted to come, so Yan didn't send her away.

The group followed Harber through the empty halls towards the bridge. Because the Sky Boat had made preparations to be boarded, at every intersection they had to stop for Harber to key in a security code to the heavy doors that had slammed shut around the ship. They were still physically quite near the pirate's ship, so nonessential crew were all still in the safe room and essential crew were manning their posts. Though ships usually were quite large and relatively empty, their journey was eerier than usual. It didn't help that the rotation of the rings was shut down, so they floated through areas that usually had an orientation and gravity.

They reached the bridge and were let in. The whole place was a hive of activity, with each station coordinating operations around the ship: damage control, tracking the returning dogs, keeping the crew on alert. Yan's little group floated awkwardly in the back. Everyone else on the bridge was buckled into their seats unless they were getting up to go somewhere. Yan saw Joun, dressed in a heavy combat suit, sitting at one of the posts.

After a few moments, Captain Lida got up to acknowledge them. She was still the same stiff older woman, and she looked them over before she said anything. It was a long second of silence.

"So," Captain Lida said, "You abandoned ship, then came back because you were feeling guilty?"

"Captain Lida-" Harber started, but she held up a hand and cut him off.

"I'm not interested in what you have to say for yourself," she said to Harber. "But you-" Lida pointed at Yan, her accusing finger directly underneath Yan's chin. "I expected much better of you."

And there it was, the last straw. Yan, who had been keeping it mostly together up until this point, started to cry. Huge wracking sobs shook her body, and in the gravity free environment her tears pooled in her eyes until she blinked them away.

"Captain," Joun spoke up from his seat. "It's not her fault."

Sid seemed to puff up and wedged himself in between Yan and Captain Lida, pushing Yan back a little bit.

"She saved your lives you ungrateful-" Sid signed.

"Sid, don't," Yan managed to get out.

Several of the crew around the bridge looked ready to tackle Sid if he made a threatening move towards the captain. Yan put her arm on his and nudged him back a little. He glared at her, but Yan knew he was just trying to protect her. Nice of him, if ill advised.

This was a supremely awkward situation in almost every respect. The only person whom Lida seemed willing to talk to was Yan, and that just to accuse her. Everyone else was frozen in a kind of stasis, unable to speak up without being shut down or ignored by the other parties. Yan was still crying, but was taking deep breaths to try to steady herself.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Lida asked. "I have dead crew, and millions of charges of damage to my ship, and after all that, there's still a pirate ship right outside my windows."

"I'm sorry," Yan said, the words coming out as stutters between her breaths.

"With all due respect, Captain Lida," Harber interjected. "Apprentice BarCarran is not responsible for your ship, or even a member of the Trade Guild, and she was acting under my orders to leave the Sky Boat."

"She certainly looks like she is, wearing that uniform instead of yours," Lida said. It was true that Yan was wearing her Iron Dreams uniform rather than her apprentice cassock.

"What would your captain think of this?" Lida asked accusingly, ignoring any further protest from Harber.

"Leave her alone, it's because of her we came back to help at all," Sid said aloud. "If she hadn't insisted, you'd all be dead."

"Such great charity from the Empire's servants," Lida said. "Why couldn't you have at least destroyed the pirate's ship? Leaving it will just let them go after someone else."

"I didn't want to kill anyone else," Yan said quietly, rubbing her sleeve over her eyes. "I couldn't do it." She had barely been able to knock off the boarding party and shuttles, it was Sid who had gone after most of the active dogfighters.

"Kill them? They're not human- they're animals, it's a service to the universe to destroy them," Lida said.

"Captain Lida, our attentions are better focused on moving forward, rather than dwelling on the past. What's done is done," Harber said.

Lida ignored him. "You can rest assured, Apprentice BarCarran, that your family will be hearing of this as soon as we are in port."

Yan hadn't really expected anything different. Of course her family would find out.

"Are you returning to Byforest station or are we proceeding to Zhani?" Harber asked, sounding impatient at this point.

"We're continuing to Zhani, since we still have about half of our cargo left," Lida said darkly.

"And when will we be jumping out?" Harber asked.

"It's another hour before the drive is ready," Joun said from his seat. "The second it is, we'll be jumping."

"If you'll excuse me," Lida said stiffly. "I need to go address my crew in the saferoom. Joun, you have the bridge."

She pushed her way past Yan without a second glance and floated out into the hallway. As the door closed behind her, the tension in the room noticeably lessened. Although it was less tense, it was still an uncomfortable environment. Yan was still crying a little and the rest of the bridge crew was still looking at them suspiciously. What were they still doing there?

Joun got up from his seat and came over.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't bring you here just for my mother to yell at you."

This wasn't the best apology Yan had ever received, but she sniffled and nodded anyway.

"What did you bring us here for, then?" Sid asked aloud. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides.

"And again, I must apologize, because I need to ask a favor of you. I know you've already done so much to help us, but..." Joun trailed off helplessly. Sid was glaring daggers at him.

"What do you need?" Yan asked. "I'll do it."

Iri poked her warningly in the back, but Yan wasn't too worried about making promises she couldn't keep. In truth, she was much more concerned with making up their abandonment to the crew of the Sky Boat, whatever it took.

"One of our dogfighters, the one we had in reserve on the ship when we were jumped, it was hit pretty badly. We don't think Bec, the pilot, is still alive, but..."

"You want the body?" Harber asked, rather callously.

"I would prefer the whole ship," Joun said. "In a bay, as gently and quickly as possible. Can you do that?"

Yan nodded, rubbing her eyes on her sleeve. "I need to be able to see the shuttle and the bay at the same time," she said. Having a task to focus on let her think more clearly. "Do you have any camera drones? Or do I have to suit up and go out?"

"We can send out a drone. Is there anything else you need?" Joun asked, gesturing for one of his subordinates to get one of the tiny robotic drones camera feeds going.

"You need to open the bay," Yan said.

Sid and Harber were wearing identical looks of disbelief that Yan was going along with Joun and helping him out, but at least they weren't interfering.

"Do you need to control the drone or just have it in a fixed position?" Joun asked.

"Keeping it still relative to the Sky Boat is best, as long as the bay and the dog and the bay are in full view the entire time," Yan said haltingly.

"Carnen, can you put that up on the big screen?" Joun asked.

A few seconds later, the big screen at the front of the bridge showed the point of view of the drone that was being sent out. The drones were usually used to inspect the outside of the ship. It released from its tiny dock and flew off the ship towards the bay that they wanted Yan to bring the destroyed dogfighter to.

Yan didn't know what the number of the bay was. It probably didn't matter.

The camera swung into position, and an onboard floodlight from the Sky Boat lit up the mangled dogfighter. Everything was in frame and ready for Yan. She felt like she was the director of the worst movie ever made. Lights, camera, and here she was, bringing the action.

It took a moment for her to orient herself with regards to the image she was seeing. Yan was focused on the task at hand, despite the tears she blinked from her eyes. She spread out her power past the bounds of the Sky Boat, searching out the piece of debris that was the destroyed dogfighter.

It was easy, in space, to search out large objects like that. In an atmosphere, learning to differentiate in the power between one type of molecule and another was a tricky thing. Yan was fairly good at it. In space it was a different story; there was no mass of air to contend with, and there were relatively few large, metal objects floating around.

Interestingly, the dogfighter, despite clearly having been hit with some massive projectile, had relatively little velocity compared to the Sky Boat. It must have had an almost head on collision with whatever had been fired at it, to stop it dead in its tracks like that.

Yan found the dogfighter in the power, and gave it a nudge. When the image on the screen wiggled correspondingly, Yan knew she had the right thing. Slowly, gently, just in case there was someone still alive, Yan gave the dogfighter a tiny push and began directing it towards the open bay.

"Sorry, I'm being slow just in case," Yan said. She felt everyone watching her.

A minute later, Yan had to speak up again.

"Could you move the camera so I can see the inside of the bay?" The person controlling the camera complied, and the view swung around dizzyingly. "Thanks," Yan said.

Eventually, she slid the dogfigher into the bay and stopped it on the floor as gently as possible, hoping the magnets that would hold it there hadn't been dislodged in the fighting. She could have checked to be sure, but didn’t.

She could have checked if the pilot was alive as well, but she didn't want that information to be weighing on her conscience as she worked.

"Okay. It's in," Yan said. There was a palpable feeling of relief in the room, and Yan let go of the power holding the dogfighter.

"Thank you, Yan," Joun said. "For everything."

Yan, still feeling exceptionally bad about everything, didn't really know what to say. Now that she wasn't focused on a task, the awful feeling in the pit of her stomach was threatening to return in full force. She just nodded at Joun.

"Was there anything else you needed?" Harber asked.

"No," Joun said. "Not that I know of right now. I, well, I highly advise you all go back to your quarters and lay low for the next few days."

Sid frowned, narrowing his eyes.

"Not that I'm not appreciative of everything you've done, and I'm sure everyone here is as well, but the captain is a hard woman to cross," Joun said.

"Is this house arrest or quarantine?" Sid asked.

"It's a friendly suggestion from someone who owes you a debt, and who will be trying their best to make the rest of your journey as... unburdened... as possible," Joun said. "I don't have the authority to prevent you from wandering the ship, but I do have the good sense to say it would be ill advised."

"We'll take that under consideration," Harber said. "By the grace of God may the rest of this trip go more smoothly."

"Indeed," Joun said.

The whole group turned, a slightly difficult proposition in the gravity free bridge, and began to file out the door.

"Oh, and Yan," Joun said.

Yan turned around to look at him, leaving Iri watching with a slightly concerned expression. Sid and Harber looked on with frustration.

"I think you'd look better in your apprentice outfit than that one. It's more authentic," Joun said.

Yan shrugged mutely, helplessly, and followed her group out the door.