Where the heck is Natron77?

First, I need to apologize for the complete lack of communication for the last several months. So many times I have wanted to explain to my readers what was going on, but even that proved surprisingly difficult. I’ve been dreading writing this message for too long, finding excuse after excuse not to start, but no more. I can do this, even though it’s strangely terrifying.

Basically, I recently acquired some pretty intense anxiety, and it completely derailed all my writing habits and passion. The pandemic was definitely a major factor, but job stress and regular old life responsibilities also contributed.

I’ve never suffered from anxiety like this previously, so I was caught entirely off guard. Social anxiety, I can manage. I’ve done that since high school when I discovered I couldn’t breathe while in front of a crowd. But this new anxiety was something else. I would be perfectly fine one minute, then shaking and panicky the next, even while doing things as simple and mundane as loading the dishwasher. I was pretty worried about this sudden change, which made my mental state even worse.

The stress of delivering Patreon rewards and commissioned work was simply too much to handle on top of everything else, so I regretfully paused all that stuff. Unfortunately, those commitments had been keeping me on my daily writing routine, and soon my writing dried up entirely. Even when I unpaused Patreon, I failed to deliver on the advertised rewards, and for that I apologize to my patrons.

Writing has long been my primary creative outlet, so once my writing routine fell apart, things got worse (or perhaps they simply revealed their true state, now that I wasn’t hiding from them by distracting myself with commitments). This was when I visited a doctor to see what was going on.

My doctor couldn’t pinpoint why I acquired such strong anxiety so far into adulthood (other than the obvious factor: the state of the world lately) but she was able to offer some options. I ended up on a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication, and it immediately stopped the panic attacks, which was a huge relief. I didn’t seem to suffer any major side effects either, apart from occasional minor fatigue. Over time, however, I started to feel a more subtle side effect: motivation became significantly harder to find.

Pushing myself to do the things I know I should do has become more difficult. It feels like I’ve had to relearn how to be motivated by long-term results (completed projects, reading fan comments, etc) rather than just short -term benefits (having fun, feeling good in the moment), and I’m still actively working on that. After “growing out of” ADHD as a kid, I believe now that I had simply learned a bunch of techniques to work around the issues it presented, and those techniques are being disrupted by my medicine. The biggest consequence here, and the loss that hit me hardest, is the hit to my ability to simply start writing. Finding the motivation to sit down and write has been so hard/rare that it feels nearly impossible, even though I truly want to write. That leaves me with frustration and dissatisfaction, further discouraging engagement with the idea of writing entirely.

So what am I going to do about this?

Obviously, I should explore other prescriptions that can address my anxiety with less problematic side effects. I’ll talk to my doctor about other options that might work better for me, making sure to mention how it feels like my ADHD has returned. I will also continue experimenting with techniques to motivate myself, avoid procrastination, and enforce a routine again. I still want to finish my stories in progress and to begin brand new adventures, and I believe that I can succeed.

In the short term, I’ll be focusing on getting back into a writing routine, without making any commitments to publish anything. I need to relearn how to walk before trying to run, so to speak. So I’ll be pausing my Patreon again to give myself the space to get back into writing on my own terms.

“Our Goddess” in particular has been in the forefront of my mind, and it deserves a proper conclusion after making it so far and so near the finish line. It will be completed, I just need to get back in the writing saddle first.

Thanks for sticking with me through this long message, and for staying around after such a long gap in productivity. I truly value everyone who reads my writing and seeing your interactions reliably brightens my day. I hope to earn your readership once again. Thank you.