Next, I tried finding out more about what the heck Divine or Celestial meant. Does this mean I’m going to be an Angel? Because… that sounds kind of boring. Man, I hope God isn’t a total dick… Oh crap, I shouldn’t have thought that. Swearing is apparently not a Karmic ‘sin’, but swearing AT someone is. I guess it’s all about intentions and effects, maybe. Hurt someone’s feelings, lose Karma. Pollute the earth for future generations, lose a LOT of Karma.

Oh shit, I just realized something. My mother and daughter are going to be recycled! I panicked, flipping through the book, and instantly I saw a small message I hadn’t seen before.

Karmic Transfer You are allowed to transfer up to 10 percent of your Karmic balance to another individual. No more than this will ever be allowed, and the transfer menu can only be accessed once. Would you like to initiate a transfer?

I instantly thought “Yes” in my mind, and I saw a faint blue light off to my right. The window next to the opening (through which I could still see the garden) had suddenly turned into an interface menu of some kind, popping up a whole host of information.

I did some quick math in my head; if I had around -6000 Karma by age 34… than your average person would accumulate at most -20,000 in their lifetime, probably a lot less if they didn’t drive or tried to live green. There was a sidebar with a readout displaying +77,044 Karma – it looked like this was the balance I was allowed to transfer.

I decided to transfer +45,000 Karma to my daughter, just to make sure she at least makes the Divine category, and the remainder to my mother. I considered the rest of my family briefly… but I just didn’t have the points. Sure I loved my cousins, but if I spread myself too thin I couldn’t even help my immediate family.

Feeling faintly guilty but mostly relieved, I walked back to the bed and dropped myself next to the pamphlet, closing my eyes. I had done what I could for my mother and my kid, and I guess now it was time to move on. Smiling, I had an image of my daughter with angle wings, bossing all the lesser angles around. I would have given her all my points, but she’d be pretty mad if she found out I let grandma get recycled.

I let myself drift into sleep, trying to wrap my head around the absolutely insane day I just had.

--------------

I stood in front of the door and took a deep breath. After waking up I decided to venture through the door for more information, having found that the Pamphlet didn’t have any details about what a Divine or a Celestial was...

As soon as I had touched the door handle, a holographic message appeared on the door just below eye level.

Welcome! Through this door lies your infinite future! Upon leaving this room you will resume your normal form, which is a disembodied soul. This room will remain behind for you to return to, and you can spend as much time here as you like before venturing forth. You will be met by your guide after passing through the hallway. Note: Your friend Mark has already left his room.

Well… that was surprisingly considerate. Maybe these messages were made by Canadians?

Knowing Mark had already left gave me a sense of urgency, and I opened the door to be greeted by a long stonework hallway lit by torches (but still much darker than my sunlit room). Holding the Pamphlet in my hand, I walked out of the room only to find my body dissolving into a semi-transparent mist. WTF!

Taking a deep breath (it didn’t work) I started walking (floating) down the hallway. Checking behind me (look ma, no head) the doorway I just left was still there, a bright spot in the darker stone. Turning back around (nope again, no body to turn) and … moved… down the hall. After a few moments (years, months, what is time again?) I saw (arg, no eyes)… perceived… a larger room ahead of me.

Inside the room was another floaty-cloud-soul-thing which I recognized as Mark, and a distinct male figure who looked like the CEO of a high-tech internet business – kinda nerdy but with a pleasant smile and a super expensive looking suit.

I tried to say hi to Mark, but nothing seemed to happen. I had a sense that he was perceiving me, but we didn’t appear to have any way to communicate. Well, that sucked… need lungs and air and stuff to talk I guess. I blame science. Maybe if I didn’t think I needed those things, I wouldn’t. I tried to focus...

“Oh hey guys, sorry that won’t work. You would need telepathy at a bare minimum to communicate as a soul.” Said (nope, I don’t think he actually spoke) the nerdy CEO.

Well that sucks, I thought, trying to perceive harder at the Mark-cloud.

“Ahh, I’m not sure… usually these meetings are individual, but I thought, you know since you are friends and all, and with the saving and the dying… ahh, you know maybe being together would be fun?” Telepathed the CEO guy at us (or just me?). His lips were definitely not moving, I was certain this time.

No, I don’t know, and yeah sucks not being able to talk to him, I thought at the CEO. Can you fix it?

“Ahhhhh, oh darn… I’m really sorry guys… ahhh, how about I just patch you together? I’ll have to undo it before you get reincarnated though…”

Yes, do it, you bastard, thought both the Mark-cloud (probably) and I.

“Ahhh, oh geeze oh man I’m really sorry again, here let me fix this.” Sent the CEO as he reached towards us, grabbing a bit of cloud from each of us (oooo, tingly!) and mixing it all together in a ball of green and blue light. Reaching back towards us, he deposited the combined goop in both of us. Umm, did I just French kiss Mark?

Moments later I heard (nope, still no ears) “Dude, what the ****!”