Going through the portal isn't as fun as it sounds. It feels like you are burned to a crisp, whooshed along a highway of wind, and then get doused in water before you shoot out the other end.

The first thing I saw was a dark, cloudy sky and then I crashed on my back. All the air whooshed out of my lungs, and instinctively I raised my hands—all four of them. The following migraine made me want to cry, and I quickly released control of the lower arms.

Soft cracking and groaning sounds came from all around me, and I raised myself on an elbow. I was lying in a puddle of mud surrounded by old wooden houses, my almost naked body completely soaked. Two enormous silver moons hung close together, shining brightly.

"So definitely a more classical game then," I said with a groan.

Not like the magic, ancient tower, and fantasy races weren't a dead giveaway. As I scrambled up, I felt the cold mud slide along my body, leaving wet brown tracks. This game was more realistic than any I had played before. Everything felt as it should, and I had yet to experience a single glitch, graphical, or otherwise.

Wiping away the mud proved useless, and I examined the small street. It wasn't that wide; I could almost reach both sides if I stretched my arms. Each building had a wooden door and closed wooden window panels. At both ends of the small street was a crossing, and I stood smack in the middle. A tall building with lights and opened doors was visible at each end.

I sighed. It started with a decision tree right away? How boring.

One of the buildings had wooden fletchings and leather hides in front of it. A slight stink came from that place-a tanner and woodsman. Good, that was a great option.

On the opposite side, I saw two crossed swords above an anvil. My heart started racing—two excellent choices. I could almost forgive them for the starting NPC. Almost.

Looking at my own body, I began thinking. The image I'd seen had been of a heavily muscled version of my current body. Apparently, that was how I could end up, but now, I had thin arms with barely a muscle on them. Probably because I hadn't done anything yet, a blank-canvas!

Looking at the smithy sign, I felt the draw. I had always enjoyed the crafting aspects of games, and more than once, I had spent significant time as a blacksmith. But banging on iron usually resulted in strong arms and a big physique. As a mage, how useful would a heavily muscled frame be? Woodcutting and tanning, on the other hand… Crafting my own cane, and perhaps even making leather armor? Besides, I had never been a woodcarver before.

With regret, I turned away from the smithy and took a step towards the other side. Then I stopped, almost slapping my face. I forgot something important!

"Status!"

There was a soft beep, and an image appeared in front of me hovering in the middle of the street. It was partially translucent, and I could see the blurry hides in front of the woodsman's shop.

Staring at the small, scrawny four-armed figure, with dark and unkempt hair that dangled halfway across its back, I cursed. Sandra wasn't going to like this. She enjoyed big and burly, which always made me wonder what she was doing with my pudgy self. The outline of an apple, a heart, and a foot were below the figure. The heart was full, but the apple and foot were only half-filled. I did feel a bit peckish.

I turned my attention to the lines flanking the figure. Now we were talking! Statistics, the gift of the gods!

I quickly inspected the left row of partially familiar names and started frowning.

> Derived Strength: 1

> Derived Dexterity: 1

> Derived Constitution: 1

> Derived Intelligence: 1

> Derived Common sense: 1

> Derived Charisma 1

> Total mass: 60 KG

> Current weight: 60 KG

What the hell did that derived crap mean? A ping came from all around, and a line appeared below the figure that represented my avatar.

> Tutorial answer: Derived attributes can not be directly increased. They are derived from other statistics like muscle mass and fat.

It took my mind a few seconds to start whirring again, but then a big grin spread across my face. That sounded interesting. And, did that thing just read my mind to answer my question?

> Yes.

With glee, I rubbed my hands, trying to ignore the fact that they were cold and muddy. I inspected the information to the right of the character.

Active attributes: (Easily changed)

> 01/10: Muscle mass

> 01/40: Fat

> 01/12: Coordination

> 01/10: Stamina

> 02/10: Learning rate

> 00/99: Knowledge

> 01/10: Beauty

> 00/99: Grooming

> 01/20: Well spoken

Special attributes (Immutable)

> 06 [12]: Immune system

> 05 [09]: Resistance to mental attacks

> 08 [12]: IQ

> 03 [10]: EQ

Rectangular bars wrapped around every one of the active attributes and a small sliver of green edged the left side, partially filling the labeled bars. I guessed that would show me how close I was to increasing something. It took me a while to parse through all the information before I thought of another question. Wondering how quick that help function was on the uptake, I blinked at the line that popped up.

> Very fast.

How long are you with me?

> Until the end of the tutorial.

Alright, for muscle mass, why does it say one out of ten?

> You have one, and your current maximum is ten.

Laughing at myself, I shook my head. I'd known that, but it never hurt to double-check. I wondered if everyone started with a value of one in everything.

> No. Only those who annoy their welcoming committee.

I gaped at the line. Of course, that would be how it worked, wouldn't it? I cursed and stomped into a puddle of the watery mud, scattering drops everywhere. My dirty loincloth got the brunt of it, and I even felt some cold, slimy stuff hit my tender regions below. Great, not even underwear?

Can I increase the maximum?

> Yes.

Great, an AI with a sense of humor. As if the previous one hadn't been bad enough. I sighed and shook my head before trying again.

How do I increase the maximum?

> With magical items or spells.

Useless right now. Whatever. I'd figure that out later.

For the special skills, why do they have those numbers between brackets?

> The first one is your value, the second one the maximum for your current race. These values don't change after birth.

Looking at them again, I frowned. I didn't have a single thing at the maximum, or even close. That sucked, and the low EQ might be why I wasn't having a lot of luck with the NPC's. Wait, did that thing just say my current race?

> Shit, you saw that, did you?

With an open mouth, I stared at the line, wondering what the hell type of game this was. Swallowing some spittle, I took another look at the screen: no inventory slots, no menus, no nothing.

> There are no menus. Everything is speech controlled.

Alright, how do I know what options there are?

> Those are taught by the welcoming committee.

For the second time since booting up the game, I was starting to think I might as well just restart. No amount of money was worth this torment.

I would soon learn that it wouldn't have mattered what I wanted.

So, how long does this tutorial last?

> Until you walk down either end of the street.

I blinked at that. How was that even a tutorial? Shouldn't they hold your hand until you got a bit better? At least until you could slay your first monster?

> Oh. But I will.

The status window blinked out, and a soft growling sound came from above me. My hair stood on end, and I shivered. An incredibly bad premonition made me slowly tilt my head backward while chanting in my mind. Not a rat, not a rat, not a rat.

Illuminated by the light of the two moons stood a skinny dog-sized rat with a bloody gash along its side, glaring at me. Its beady black eyes reflected the light, and before I could decide what to do, it scrambled forward, climbing along the wooden beams.

How do I kill it without equipment?!

> You should have gotten starting equipment from the welcoming committee.

I swear I could hear the thing laugh! Looking around, I searched for anything I could use as a weapon, and my eyes fell on some broken down crates propped up against the side of a nearby building. Praying I'd make it in time, I rushed towards them, gasping for breath within ten steps. This body's stamina was worse than that of my real body!

The sound of something hitting the ground echoed through the small enclosed road just when I reached the crates. A couple of pieces of wood lay loosely scattered inside the first one, and I grabbed one.

"Argh, dammit!" A wickedly curved iron nail sticking out of the arm-length piece of wood poked in my arm.

Instinctively I grabbed the plank with one of my other hands, and I doubled over from the mental pain. Something rushed through the air above me, and more pain came from my back, followed by the sound of cracking and splintering wood as the rat crashed into the crates.

I reversed my grip and dodged to the side, seeing the rat shake its head as it crawled from the splintered crates. Years ago, during my first time inside one of these virtual worlds, I might have been scared to death and uncertain of what to do. But that was then, and this was now.

Taking three steps forward, I rammed the wooden makeshift weapon down on the rat's head. It screeched as the nail pierced it just above the ear, but it was far from dead. It bit at the beam and ripped it from my exhausted and shaking hands.

Having lost my weapon, I backed up, reaching for the crate behind me. I bumped into it and reached down, grabbing another piece of wood.

Blood streaming down its head, the rat hissed at me and jumped. I scrambled to get the piece of wood in front of me and rammed it forward. Although I hadn't seen a luck stat, mine must be higher than average. The wood I had grabbed had a much longer nail stuck in the side, and it pierced the rat straight in the eye.

Without another sound, the rat crumpled on the ground, sliding against my feet. The long tongue rolled out and licked my muddy toes in a last act of deviance before it blew its final rattling breath.

I sat down, trying to catch my breath, wondering what I had gotten myself into this time. A high pitched bell rang from all around, and I grinned wearily.

"Status."

Looking at the screen, I saw that two of the bars around my active skills had filled partially, and a single one blinked solid green a few times. After a second, it emptied again with a rewarding draining sound, and coordination increased by one. Muscle mass and stamina were both ten percent full. Those I definitely needed to raise by a few points.

> 01/10: Muscle mass

> 02/12: Coordination

> 01/10: Stamina

Please tell me that was the only combat for now?

> Sadly, it is.

Sadly? Sadly my ass, you ridiculous piece of artificial intelligence.

> Excuse me but mind your words.

I sighed and rested my head against the crate for a moment. This was going to be bloody difficult; I just knew it. I should probably stop for a moment and get a drink. Ask Sandra how she was doing.

What is the command to exit?

> There is none.

My breath caught in my throat, and my heart skipped a beat when a second line came.

> Just kidding. Try calling; I quit.

I was going to lodge a complaint. It was that simple. Call this goddamn company and tell them they needed to fire someone! Anyone!

Sitting upright, I croaked, "I quit." A second passed, and nothing happened. Blinking, I tried it again with the same result.

What is going on? Didn't you tell me the exit command is I quit?

A single line appeared with every character appearing slowly and with a solid click.

> I lied.

This was the first time I would meet my future nemesis, still unaware of what was going on or what it wanted. But I would learn with time. It was the devil. Evil, vicious and alive, just to torment me. Well, mostly me.

After a second of staring unbelievingly at the line in front of me, I managed to pick myself up.

Staring at the sky, I yelled exit, quit, leave, ALT F4, CTRL ALT DELETE. I screamed everything I could think of up in the sky, probably scaring the shit out of the poor NPC's living in the houses around me. But nothing happened. After a few minutes, a line appeared in front of me.

> You can't leave here. Why don't you try making the best of it?

I want to leave. Connect me to the service helpdesk!

> I'm done playing with you. There is no tutorial or guide for you here. Be glad I answered any of your questions seriously at all, you sad little human being. Goodbye.

I jumped when a low rumbling gong sounded from all around me, fading quickly. Then the only sound that remained was the wind howling above the houses and my ragged breathing. Holding my breath, I summoned my status, but it was the same as before. I scoured it for a menu or hidden button, but there wasn't anything.

Finally, out of options, I tried getting the voice to come back. But even calling it things my mother would never have approved of didn't work. I was alone, and the corpse of the rat was starting to stink up the place.

God, I hoped Sandra wasn't locked up here. Wait, the other players? I should be able to find them, right? I needed to get through this initial thing, whatever it was. Even if that stupid voice said there wasn't a tutorial, it was probably lying.

Staring at the buildings on either side for a split second, I turned and walked towards the woodcarver and tanner. Without any idea how to get out of this crap, I needed to get myself as strong as I could as fast as I could. Who knew what would happen if I died here?