We run through the forest, away from the spider. The hill seems even steeper if you descend it, giving us a slightly uncontrolled boost in speed.

*Thud*

And Jess faceplants once more into the moist dirt. Her lack of physical stats really shines through as she's kissed the dirt more often than I can count.

'5 times.'

'I was never really good at math.'

She stands up, hurriedly. Brushing off the already dirty uniform she's got on, her eyes dart around in search of something. She's visibly frustrated at her own lack of coordination.

"Looking for your parents?" (Me)

So I had to double down on it.

"Cunt, give me a second." (Jess)

"Love, I'd love to give you as much time as you need but there's a spider, the size of a literal fucking castle, searching for our asses like my uncle was on Christmas. So if you don't move your own sweet booty-" (Me)

Suddenly, out of a random bush, a rusty metal pole made of iron flies into Jess's open palm. It's clear how long the rod was left there as I'm pretty sure I got tetanus just by looking at it.

"What are you doing?" (Me)

Reluctantly, she puts the pole between her legs-

'Never thought I'd wish to be a rusty rod.'

-and I feel the mana that I felt in the fight against the Orc Chieftain moving around her. Her usage of mana is a sheer mess in my eyes but what can you expect from a first-timer?

With a little hop and starts to float. The pole is controlled by her merged magic, enabling it to stay mid-air shakily. A magician's first goal is always to get some means of transportation, so it was probably the instinct from Jess's counterpart that told her to do this. Nonetheless, I feel something breaking inside me.

"*Sniff* " (Me)

"Why are you crying?" (Jess)

Wiping a lonely tear off of my cheek, I try to hide my personal tragedy.

"It's most certainly not because I only got a useless stat boost and need to use my fucking legs to run down a hill, while the girl beside me can fly on a metal broom although she only learned of her powers yesterday. You... you just got some dirt in my eye when you fell for the 4th time." (Me)

"You can jump like 20 meters up in the air. What's your problem?" (Jess)

"I won't have such a childish discussion with you." (Me)

I ignore her argument and glance at the pole. We easily have another few hundred meters in front of us, so my gaze switches between Jess and the pole repeatedly as an idea comes to life in my head. Even if we're in a life-threatening situation, there must be a way for me to hitch a ride?

"Just so you know, I'm pretty sure I can't support 2 pers-" (Jess)

I jump with her on the rod.

"LET'S GO!" (Me)

"BOLLOCKS!" (Jess)

Immediately, the pole starts swaying in the air erratically, Jess clearly still lacking control. She tries her best not to fall off, moving her mana around to find some decent balance. Admittedly, even if it's not the smoothest ride, we still advance at a decent speed.

"ADVANCE, MY TRUSTY STEED! GODSPEED!" (Me)

She visibly concentrates on not falling over and revealing us to the spider, ignoring any of my cheerings. Meanwhile, to be perfectly honest, I'm having a fucking blast. It's been a while since I was able to enjoy flight coupled with a life-threatening situation.

'Hell's really boring.'

"WASN'T IT YOU WHO JUST NOW DIDN'T WANT TO REVEAL US?!" (Jess)

"Shouting like that won't help either." (Me)

'Both of you got a point...'

Her skirt flutters through the air, revealing her panties ever so slightly. The uncontrolled speed we're going at has its perks and downsides.

'I'd rather die than let this chance slip through my fingers.'

'I wish I could smell her.'

'Girl, chill out.'

As we descend further down the hill, the chance of the spider noticing us gets slimmer by the second. Slowly, Jess learns how to use her mana efficiently, making our little trip smoother. Well, as smooth as it can get while being chased by the king of spiders.

We arrive at the car we left in front of the hill, the Arachmot still raging in the distance. The corpse of the Orc from yesterday still wasn't eaten, although it's already starting to rot after only a single night. Not only did the local fauna merge with our world but even more aggressive micro-organisms made their way here.

'Orc's have a weird expiration date.'

No animals should've come here to eat it in fear of its smell, fortunately. Monsters especially have a heightened sense of danger towards other monsters, explaining why no one took a bite.

"I'm never, ever going to fly with you again." (Jess)

Even though I thought that our flight was fun, Jess gets off her metal pole exhaustedly. Still shaking, she ponders if she should take her trusty new broom with her.

"Oh come on~! It was fun, wasn't it?" (Me)

"We would've died, had I lost control." (Jess)

"That didn't answer my question~." (Me)

She frowns with displeasure.

"We could've been noticed by the spider and get eaten." (Jess)

"You still didn't answer my question~!" (Me)

She's torn between her common sense and my amazing influence, I can see it on her face. She should've noticed by now that I won't let go until she admits it.

"It... it may have been a bit fun..." (Jess)

"See? Was it so hard?" (Me)

"Yes." (Jess)

I approach the Jeep with a huge smile on my face.

'Being able to corrupt someone really is wonderful...'

"And, just by the by, I could've easily outrun that mutant arachnid. It may be huge, but it's actually pretty slow and badly coordinated. I just wanted to spook ya a wee bit." (Me)

The engine rumbles as I turn the key in the ignition. Even after I put on the driving gloves, which I definitely did not steal from Jess's parents, Jess still stands in front of the car, baffled.

"What? Did you really think that I'd let our lives be endangered for a joke?" (Me)

"Yes, absolutely. I was 100% certain of that." (Jess)

She doesn't even hesitate slightly while saying that.

'I already prepared myself for death when you did the "THAT'S A LOTTA DAMAGE" joke.'

"Words can hurt, you know? I may be insane, but I'm not stupid." (Me)

'Bit of both, as far as I can tell.'

'Huh, I'm hearing voices but there's nobody around?'

'Words can hurt, you know?'

Jess enters the vehicle and I drive off. I try to stay hidden in alleys, so we don't come across any annoying mobs, but I nevertheless notice a few monsters here and there. The amount of people outside has decreased at an outstanding rate, mostly in part due to the monsters destroying property and committing other misdemeanors... mostly jaywalking.

My female companion, however, seems to be slightly confused.

"Where are all the people? I know that it's the apocalypse, but there should be at least some people left, right?" (Jess)

"Yeah, but they're probably not cruising through the streets in a Jeep, like some fucking lunatics. They're afraid to lose their lives. It's rather you who's weird." (Me)

"Says the one who told a giant spider that it should've knocked." (Jess)

"Being a monster is not an excuse for a lack of manners." (Me)

We continue to drive through narrow alleyways, my impeccable driving once again showing its colors. I seem to be hitting some monsters once again, but they barely give EXP so I ignore the messages.

"I wonder myself why I'm so calm, although there's this disaster happening. Even if my father taught me-" (Jess)

"Badly." (Me)

"-I should still be a bit more shaken. Well, I might feel save because you're he-" (Jess)

She stops talking at that point.

"Don't you even think that I didn't hear that." (Me)

"I didn't say anything." (Jess)

'Yes, she did.'

"Yes, you did." (Me)

'Good teamwork.'

"I'm not going to answer that." (Jess)

"You're just proving my point." (Me)

"..." (Jess)

I think about the reason why she seems so cold to all this change. There are several possibilities, some crueler than the others but she doesn't have to know about them. For now, she's not showing any symptoms.

"Well, there's a lotta shit that can happen while merging. In most cases, you just inherit some kind of ability or trait from them. In the worst cases, your counterpart is so strong that he can take over your entire body." (Me)

' *Cough* '

'Should've hit the gym. Maybe then you could've resisted my charm.'

'OH! FORGIVE ME FOR NOT ANTICIPATING THAT A GUY FROM HELL WOULD TAKE OVER MY BODY!'

'You are forgiven.'

I run something over again.

"Wait, are you driving without a plan again?" (Jess)

"Deja vu, I've just been in this place before~-" (Me)

"*Sigh* What is the plan?" (Jess)

"I just need to buy some groceries." (Me)

She waits for me to finish my sentence. At this point, I thought that we were already at the stage where we would finish the others, but alas I was mistaken. We've been through so much as well...

"A smelting furnace, a big ol' pot, some tools, a few chunks of steel, a diet coke and some chips." (Me)

"I would die for some fish and chips now." (Jess)

"I mean the snack, you British cunt." (Me)

"We're in London, so piss off." (Jess)

"The Big Ben literally turned into a huge tree. What part of this is London?" (Me)

"...Fair enough." (Jess)

The idle talk makes me step on the gas once more. Traffic is pretty much non-existent, as are traffic laws, so there's really no need to be careful.

Despite my best effort, I still have to drive through normal streets infested with monsters. I wanted to spare Jess the sight of the stray corpses and flames, especially since we haven't even had breakfast yet and I'm still planning on having it, but there's nothing I can do.

She lowers her gaze while I dodge the stronger monsters that dare to ignore the Orc's corpse on top of our car. I'm sure that the car floor isn't exactly the most interesting thing to look at but the other alternative is the demon-infested, scarlet sky above us.

"I think you can find most of the things you need inside the shopping district. If it's still intact, that is. I'm not so sure about the furnace though." (Jess)

"No need to worry your pretty little head over it. Could you now please navigate me to that shopping district with the voice of a GPS?" (Me)

"I will not-" (Jess)

"I'm the one who'll save your parents." (Me)

"In 50 meters, turn left." (Jess)

There is really no need for any kind of GPS. Over my years, I've seen London's creation and downfall, again and again. I know each and every single street like the back of my hand. I actually built some of these streets myself.

I just asked her to do so cause it's fun.

"I'm so glad that I decided to be an asshole instead of a good person." (Me)

'Oh right, there was still something I had to do.'

I think about the shop in my status, which appears without a second of delay. The system might be a dickhead, but its service is top-notch.

SHOP

SP: 1653

Available skills:

-Unarmed mastery (Lvl 1)

-Leap (Lvl 1)

Cost:

-250 SP

-300 SP

'And I buy all of them, cause I have the cash.'

You successfully bought the skill "Unarmed mastery" (Lvl 1) (Passive)!

Unarmed mastery (Lvl 1): Every kind of combat with your fists, including brass knuckles and fighting gloves, will enhance your stats by 10%! (Percentage increases per level)

You successfully bought the skill "Leap" (Lvl 1) (Passive)!

Leap (Lvl 1): Increases jump distance by 30%! (Percentage increases with level)

'I'm a happy man.'

The rest of the journey to the center is pretty uneventful. I drive over a few mobs, fight a goat with tentacles head on and listen to Jess's oddly accurate impression of a GPS.

Although I do feel like I'm about to level up. There's no real number for my needed experience, but I feel it start to swell up.

'Seems like the Orc chief still left me with some residue experience.'

"You arrived at your destination." (Jess)

The huge mall towers in front of me. The outside consists mainly of glass, but there seem to be some weird pulsating vines on the outside of it. Theatricality and deception. powerful sight for the uninitiated. But I am initiated.

"Please, make them sentient and perverted." (Me)

"You're disgusting." (Jess)

A man's still gotta dream.

"The fact that you know what I mean, makes you just as disgusting." (Me)

"...I won't have such a childish discussion with you." (Jess)

"Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, you know?" (Me)

We leave the vehicle with the corpse behind. Jess looks around her, paranoid that any kind of monster is about to attack us at any second. My stat boost, fortunately, heightens my senses a bit, making me sure that there's nothing in our immediate vicinity.

We enter through the automatic doors, which are, weirdly enough, still working. Our entrance is welcomed by the doors charming chime and 3 stories of pure shopping stand in front of me.

I start running.

"What? Where are you going?" (Jess)

"Where are they!?" (Me)

The mall is fucking huge, even for London. I search every store for the one single thing I've been yearning for the last day. I won't have another second of cold legs and a breeze through my crotch. Hell's kept them both conveniently warm for the last few centuries and I won't have it any other way anymore.

"I NEED SOME COMFORTABLE FUCKING PANTS!" (Me)

"Ah, right, I was already used to your skirt. Completely forgot about it." (Jess)

From the corner of my eye, I spot them. Salvation incarnate. My personal Garden Eden. Some comfortable, provisional sweatpants grace the light in my eyes.

...

'I could've just gone naked, now that I think about it?'

...

'Nah, I'm not a caveman.'

"PRAISE THE PANTS!" (Me)

I charge at them, bliss right in front of me.

'I can't wait to get rid of this fucking breeze between my legs.'

There're only a few meters between me and the glorious pants left when, suddenly, I hear a shout from the second floor.

"HELP!" (???)

"PANTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A RANDOM LIFE!" (Me)

"...WHAT?!" (???)

Panic for her life clearly in her voice, she begs for help.

I try to open the door to the shop, but it won't budge. I feel faint, familiar mana around it, standing between me and the only thing that's keeping me from losing it.

"Jess, I swear to fucking Beelzebub, who's actually a pretty nice guy. I can open this door with force, or calmly. Either way, you're gonna get some spanking." (Me)

"So... why should I open the door exactly?" (Jess)

"That was only supposed to be a threat." (Me)

From atop the staircase, several people seem to cause a commotion. Hurried footsteps, pushing and shoving as people try to save their own skin in terror.

"Just go and help them, you wanker." (Jess)

"BUT MOOOOM!" (Me)

The people on the second floor make themselves known once again with the noise of desperate struggle. Shouts, cries for help and things being destroyed.

"Do me the favor. I'll pay you back somehow." (Jess)

'She really shouldn't have said that.'

"You really shouldn't have said that." (Me)

I let go of the door and activate "Orcs strength". Coupled with the "leap" ability, I easily jump to the second floor in one go, leaving Jess down here. I'm sure she's already regretting her last statement, but no backsies!

A group of people runs around, uncoordinated. Their lack of experience in these kinds of situations becomes more apparent the more I look at them. Trampling over each other, not caring for one another.

They must've merged some kind of power as well, making their panic in such a big group even more ridiculous. Teaming in an apocalypse is an excellent way of survival, as long as you know how to act in it.

"PLEASE HELP US!" (???)

They don't, in this case.

The monster is currently chasing down 3 people. A brown-haired mother, who's carrying her child, and the most cliché jock in a football jacket. The mother's grip on her child tightens as the monster comes closer, her eyes meeting mine for a second.

"How romantic! Hello!" (Me)

"Shit! Go and help me, woman!" (Jockey)

He grabs the woman and throws her to the monster as a sacrifice. She falls on her ass, right in front of the weird turtle. Frozen, she looks at it in terror, her kid doing the same.

'He just switched her in like a fucking pokémon, holy shit. What a cunt.'

'You just wanted to let them die for pants.'

'That has nothing to do with the current situation.'

The puma-turtle thingy slowly approaches its prey, its instincts as an ambush predator telling it not to approach too carelessly, while the mother tries to protect her child.

I still wonder why it would attack such a big group by itself, even though its first thought of seeing one would be to run. The apocalypse works in mysterious ways.

"SHORYUKEN!" (Me)

I upper-cut it before it reaches the sacrifice. The power of the 25% increased stats hit the unprotected belly and it embeds itself inside the ceiling in a high trajectory, never to move again.

The feeling of the soft belly leaves behind regret until my favorite screen announces itself with good tidings.

You have killed a Shest (Lvl 15)!

+1913 EXP

+20 SP!

You became Level 21!

Every stat +1!

Orcs strength became Lvl 3!

Buff increased to 25%!

'2 Levels at once? Nice.'

"Dinner is served!" (Me)

The previously chaotic group of people stop in their tracks and look at me in awe. Blood drips from the ceiling, the Shest's stomach torn open from the previous blow. Hoping that I don't get a bucket of innards thrown on me like a football coach after a win, I take a step back.

"Well, I guess we still gotta scratch it off the ceiling. But after that, it's gonna be scrumptious, I can tell you." (Me)

I hear hurried footsteps from the staircase and see Jess arriving a few moments too late. First, confusion spreads on her face as she sees no immediate danger. Only after noticing the kidney falling from the ceiling, does she get what's going on.

"We are not going to eat that thing." (Jess)

"Trust me, it's delicious." (Me)

We once more quarrel-

"A man's gotta eat, Jess." (Me)

"You're wearing a skirt. You aren't the man you think you are." (Jess)

-and meanwhile, the mother approaches us carefully.

"Uhm... thank you for saving us." (???)

The kid in her arms looks at me with innocent eyes. I remember unpleasant memories.

"You're welcome, dear." (Me)

"I have one question." (???)

'Now it's time for the hero to introduce himself!'

"Oh, my name is-" (Me)

"Why are you wearing a skirt?" (???)

"..." (Me)

I turn to Jess. She looks at me with a mocking smile.

"I was going to say Slim Shady, but instead I'll make you fucking suffer from this one favor you owe me." (Me)

Her smile vanishes and gets replaced by the regret I saw when I jumped up here. The group looks at us as, trying to listen in on any kind of conversation we're having.

"And I've got the perfect audience for it." (Me)

She realizes that I have something planned with the whole group.

"...Bollocks." (Jess)