《How to have fun in an apocalypse (Rewrite)》Chapter 6: I wanna be Batman

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We leave the car with the corpse outside and ascend the hill on which her huge mansion is built on. At first, we do so in a relaxed manner, but as time goes by, Jess's steps become faster and faster.

"Damn, chill a bit. I'm old. I can't catch up with the young ones." (Me)

The sweat on her forehead, caused by the steep incline, doesn't stop her. Her breathing gets heavier by the second. She must've not been the sportiest gal on the court even before the apocalypse started since her stamina is abysmal.

"You seem to have gotten the youthful body of someone in my grade. Additionally, you killed a huge Orc with that body. I think you can deal with that bit." (Jess)

'She's being cocky again.'

'I know. Gotta raise 'em young.'

I stop walking and look at her demeaningly. I'm far older than she is. I'll teach her to respect her elders. It's my duty as the adult here.

"Alright, so you want to get up this hill as fast as possible?" (Me)

She turns around and notices my sadistic stare. She must be a good judge of people, as she already picked up on the fact that I'm up to something fun.

"Oh... you know what? I don't think there's any need for us to hurry." (Jess)

'She only knows me for 2 hours and already knows that she has to be nervous around me.'

'It's called "trauma". Only an hour ago you made strawberry jam out of an Orc's face.'

'And now I can't use my hands. I should seem vulnerable if anything.'

As the nice guy in this situation, I have to show her that I will support her endeavors in any way necessary.

"No no no no, don't be humble. It's easily another kilometer hiking until we arrive at your huge-ass mansion. That'd take at least another 15 minutes." (Me)

"...Please don't." (Jess)

"What? I just want to help you. Don't you want to cut these 15 minutes down to 1?" (Me)

One step is taken back by her, away from me.

"Come on, baby. I just want to use a few skills and jump up this hill as fast as possible at about 60 km/h. It'll be like a roller coaster." (Me)

She takes another step back. I take one step forward, gently. I don't intend to scare her.

"We can get to know each other in these 15 minutes? I mean, I still don't know-" (Jess)

At that moment, she starts running as fast as she can, trying to pull a fast one on me. Fortunately, my feet aren't nearly as fucked up as my hands, giving me the miraculous ability to outrun her easily.

"WHY ARE YOU RUNNING? WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?!" (Me)

"BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING-" (Jess)

I activate "Orc's strength". My muscles tense up and I feel a rush of pure energy course through me. The stat increases are the same as the fight before but it still feels nice.

I go into a starter position while Jess continues to run. The early summer breeze flows through my new hair, drying the sweat that accumulated in the stuffy car.

'But she won't come far.'

'GO AND MAKE HER SUBMIT- I MEANT CATCH HER!'

I step off the ground and in less than a second I'm next to her with my barely healed hands around her hip. I'm sure this must've been one of her dream scenarios, if not for the stumps on my arms.

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She looks me in the eyes, pleadingly.

"You helped me kill that Orc so I think you can deal with that bit of jumping." (Me)

"NO NO NO NO NO! I WON'T LET YOU INSIDE THE HOUSE! I WILL-" (Jess)

I pick her up in a princess carry, even with her struggling and pushing. I squat a little bit, blood pumping through my legs. I shoot Jess a sweet smile, while she panics and battles my muscle strength against hers.

To prevent that, I jump off.

"AAAAHHHHHH!" (Jess)

"No photography or mobile phones on the ride!" (Me)

We easily ascend 20 meters with what feels like 50 km/h. The wind dries out my eyes as I leap through the air like a majestic kangaroo on steroids. Meanwhile, Jess continues shouting and throws various swear words at me, even though she's grabbing onto me as if her life depended on it.

'Cause it does.'

'Sweating the details again, aren't we?'

A minute full of fun, adrenaline, and insults later, we land in front of her mansion. Upon landing, my knees nearly give in, but I manage to surpass my limits.

You unlocked the "Leap" Skill!

'Neat.'

I let Jess down. Her knees seem to be more wobbly than mine, although I did all the work.

"Don't be such a wuss. You didn't even have to do the jumping." (Me)

"I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!" (Jess)

"And I helped you do your first step in overcoming your fears. You're welcome." (Me)

It's clear that she wants to retort once more, but at that moment she seems to remember something. Without caring for any of the luxurious decorative furniture on the front porch, she rushes in.

I take another look at the ginormous house. It's easily 120 meters wide and the front has to be supported by white, marble pillars. I can't see the back from this position, but it's surely just as pompous. Don't get me wrong, I like to live fancy. It's just that they could've been a bit more creative than a completely white exterior.

Entering through the huge-ass-

"Fuck, really everything here is huge. Please insert dick joke." (Me)

'Lmao, "insert"!'

'HA!'

I open the wooden double doors a bit further than Jess did. Entering my eyes is a checkered, dark floor with tasteful decoration. At least they didn't skimp on the interior. From further inside the house, I hear tiny, hurried footsteps reverberating through the hallways.

Sometimes, I manage to catch a glimpse of Jess running around, but vanishing inside the next room next second.

"So much for hospitality. Didn't the British make a big deal out of serving tea?" (Me)

Only after 14 minutes, which I've counted on the ancient grandfather clock ticking away on my side, does she return. Sweat is all over her face from the whole running and she doesn't seem to be the least bit collected.

"They're not here." (Jess)

"Your parents? Have you checked behind the couch?" (Me)

At first, she seems baffled at my apathy, but then she starts to glare at me.

"The fridge?" (Me)

Anger.

"...under the sink?" (Me)

She reaches out for a slap, but I catch her wrist, just like when I first met her. I understand her reaction. She's panicking because her parents are gone in an apocalypse. It's just that scenes like these are par for the course in hell.

"I'm just gonna assume they're not stuck in the dryer, then? "What are you doing, step-bro?"." (Me)

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I can't get even a slight laugh out of her. I was sure that the joke would be a hit.

"Alright, I can deduce that your parents should've been home by now, right?" (Me)

She tries to struggle out of my grip but doesn't manage to. She's still not very amused at my calm reaction.

"I'll just take that as a "yes". Come on, communication is key. Have you found blood anywhere?" (Me)

Her struggling stops.

"I take that as a "No". Man, I should really be a medium. I can read your fucking mind." (Me)

Her struggling starts again, but she doesn't manage to get my grip to even weaken. I would let go of her, but I don't like the possibility of catching another slap mid-air.

'She really didn't merge anything for her physique.'

"That means that they either: Weren't here at the start of the apocalypse, already fled and are long gone with the helicopter, which I'm just assuming you have or were kidnapped." (Me)

With each and every possibility, her struggling weakens and she loses hope.

"But you need to look at the bright side. None of these possibilities include their death!" (Me)

I say that with a yank of my arm, like a sailor would do it, in a joking manner.

"...shit." (Jess)

"Yeah, it's still the apocalypse. Shit's going down yo." (Me)

For a few seconds, we just stand there, silently. We both know that there's a good chance for her parents to already have died and even my sweet words of encouragement can't cover that up.

The depressing silence continues.

Until I break it again.

"But hey, if shit hits the fan you can still become batman?" (Me)

"That doesn't make it better one bit." (Jess)

"I would kill my own parents myself to be batman, how dare you?" (Me)

With a sudden yank, Jess escapes my grip. I would've loved to keep her by my side for longer, but I'm sure she's gotta dwell on the possible death of her parents a bit.

I go for a walk inside the mansion and inspect its interior. Everything is overly extravagant, even for my tastes. Golden veins run through the black floor and even the furniture is full of red velvet. I was known for a while as someone who loves luxury, but I wasn't a mere human then.

On my stroll, I find a family photo of Jess and both her parents. She doesn't seem to have any siblings, as only three people are standing in it. All of them dressed in formal clothing.

With Jess in the middle, her parents surround her on both sides. Her father stands there rigidly and with a stern expression. His black hair and mustache make Jess seem completely unrelated to him. Her mother on the other hand seems to be the complete opposite.

Her gentle expression is adorned with golden blonde hair. I don't know why such a nice lady married someone with a stick up his ass, but I'm sure he had a humongous cock.

'Ever heard of love?'

'She loved that humongous cock.'

"Those are my parents." (Jess)

"No way! I was sure these are just depictions of your sleep-paralysis demons." (Me)

"I just possibly lost my parents and you are still a cunt." (Jess)

"It's called being a constant in your life. Everything could perhaps change for you in the future, except for me. I'll remain that one stone you can lean on." (Me)

"...That's actually very thoughtful." (Jess)

"It's just my excuse for being a cunt all the time. But sure, "thoughtful" does it." (Me)

"YOU PRICK!" (Jess)

"Hey, I'm thoughtful." (Me)

At that moment, she manages to smile a bit.

We continue to do pretty normal shit like eating and talking-

'While people were dying outside, by the way.'

-until night comes.

"So..." (Me)

We both sit on couches parallel to each other. Both of us know that it's soon time to go to bed, but we have yet to address it.

She doesn't seem very inviting. that's for sure.

"We ain't gonna fuck tonight, are we?" (Me)

"I only know you for about 8 hours. No, we are not going to have sex." (Jess)

"Why am I still here again?" (Me)

"Good question." (Jess)

She still seems to be a bit down from the possibility of her parents dying, but maybe it's due to denial that she cheered up at least a bit.

" 'Kay, I'm going home. If I don't ejaculate, I evacuate." (Me)

"You little arse are gonna stay here." (Jess)

"What for?" (Me)

"You're not really going to make me say it, are you?" (Jess)

"You can bet your thick thighs I'm gonna." (Me)

She sighs.

"I don't want to be alone in an apocalypse, especially not at night." (Jess)

Contrary to my deepest hopes, she doesn't blush even a bit. It might just be my high standards but I won't leave until I get her to give me at least the slightest tinge of red.

"You're a pretty blunt girl to be able to say something like that out loud." (Me)

She shrugs her shoulders.

"I've been trained by my father to never show too many emotions. He said "I'd need it when I take over the family business"." (Jess)

"Aaahhh, father complex. I totally get you. Had my own share of family problems at one point." (Me)

Interested, she raises her eyebrow, gesturing me to elaborate. Of course, I would gladly comply with her sincere curiosity, if I didn't have much more fun being a cunt.

"And by the way, you're pretty shit at not showing emotions." (Me)

"Can you not be a prick for a minute?" (Jess)

"Nah, doesn't really fit my character, does it?" (Me)

I get up from the couch and ascend the stairs to the second floor, Jess following right behind me. On my earlier tour around the house, I found out that the second floor is generally just an array of bedrooms, which makes it actually pretty useless. This whole mansion consists of a weird mix of luxury and chaos.

A random room is picked and I enter it with exact knowledge of what is about to happen.

Jess stops in front of the room I just entered, unmoving like a statue.

A sadistic smile appears on my face again.

"Oh well, good night! Don't let the bed bugs bite! They're pretty mean in an apocalypse!" (Me)

I reach out for the door with the intent to close it, but she stops me hurriedly, her vehement begging imminent. In my opinion at least.

"Oh my, what are you doing?" (Me)

"You prick." (Jess)

"No, we can't. We only know each other for a day!" (Me)

I say so while hugging myself in false shame.

She brutely enters the room and gets out another mattress from one of the closets. Why they would hide a mattress in a walk-in closet? Good question! Wetting the bed probably runs in the family.

"The literal apocalypse is going on outside and you are pretty much the only one in the next few kilometers who could protect me. That is why I will sleep here." (Jess)

"But we're boy and girl! This is morally not acceptable!" (Me)

'YOU FUCKING PRICK! HAHAHAHA!'

She puts the additional mattress on the ground, next to the bed, and turns around. It seems that my teasing has finally paid off, as her scarlet face is visible even through the dark of night.

'SHE'S FUCKING BLUSHING! FULL-ON! This was easier than I thought.'

'Jesus fucking Christ, I didn't even know I could squirt without a body.'

'So you're still not potty-trained? Expected more from the person I merged with.'

'Right, excuse me. Just gonna go to the toilet real qui- OH WAIT!'

A cloud travels further in the sky, revealing the beautiful full moon like a painting. Its light enters through the tall window, illuminating Jess's part of the room. The silver light reflects on her slightly metallic hair, supporting her natural beauty.

"Just take it as I said it, alright?" (Jess)

Suddenly, she's too shy to even get a haughty response. The several years of social interaction I've got in my bag managed to dribble around Jess's brittle facade like it was nothing.

I take a blanket from the aforementioned closet and put the mattress down on the floor. The springy, soft surface envelopes my body. I don't even remember how many years it's been since I last felt something that didn't pierce, break or attack me.

I knock on the surprisingly comfortable cushion, inviting her in with my open palm.

"Come on, Jess." (Me)

"I will sleep on the bed." (Jess)

"So, no head?" (Me)

If I had a rose between my teeth, I surely would've gotten her, but alas it wasn't the time or place. Without even changing her clothes, she goes under the covers of her own bed.

I lose the last hope of ever getting laid this night and decide to go to sleep as well.

But the night is not as quiet as it should be. Sirens still blare through the darkness, reminding us of the horrors outside. I did my best to make Jess forget at least a bit of it, but the echoes of screams probably shattered this whispy phase of denial. Not exactly the best environment to catch up on some sleep for normal people.

But that doesn't include me, of course. I haven't had a good night's rest for longer than anyone could imagine.

I'm already nearly asleep when I hear Jess besides me mutter something.

"Nith? Are you still awake?" (Jess)

"I'm guessing "No" wouldn't work right now?" (Me)

She shuffles in her bed a bit.

"If you've been to hell, that means you've died before, right?" (Jess)

I remember the amounts of deaths I've been through. To say that I've died "once" is a fierce understatement.

"You could say that." (Me)

She takes a few seconds to respond. The realization of a dead man walking is probably just hitting her. There was too much going on to think about it before.

"What happens after that?" (Jess)

The eery night probably shook the worries about her parents awake. Her concerned voice whispers through the dark. She's still barely an adult, after all.

"Come on, are we really gonna talk about life after death at 3 a.m? You know that's when most of the ghosts are active?" (Me)

She stays quiet.

"Wouldn't let me sleep in her bed, an now she's expecting me to answer questions..." (Me)

I turn toward her, which proves futile. The pitch darkness is only enhanced by the closed curtains, stopping even the faint moonlight to come in. Nevertheless, I can feel her groggy gaze on me.

"Religion isn't completely off most of the times. There's Hell, Purgatory, and... Heaven." (Me)

The word I cursed so many times barely escapes my mouth. But who am I to deprive Jess of her bedtime story?

"In most cases, you're just judged in case of death. Have you lived most of your life virtuous? Have you only done bad things? Basically, your karma gets vibe-checked." (Me)

Nonetheless, I can't bring myself to explain to Jess the real system of life after death. The complicated political system, the brutal hierarchy, the endless circle of life, the soulless slavery.

She doesn't need to know any of this. Wouldn't make for a good night's sleep.

"If you're "good", you go to heaven. Bad guys go to hell according to the crimes they committed." (Me)

Another lie.

"And... how long were you in hell?" (Jess)

I'm sure that there are more intriguing questions burning in her mind, but, once again, horror stories aren't good before bedtime.

"...I did my time." (Me)

I turn around. She stays quiet for the rest of the night, and soon, the accumulated exhaustion built up in my mind takes over. I fall asleep, for the first time in a while.

*

*

A beautiful grassy plane fills my entire view. A gentle breeze drifts through my auburn hair, cooling my pale cheeks. In the blue sky, not a single cloud disturbs the radiant sunlight.

I feel a bit drowsy, but I know exactly what's about to happen.

"Daddy!" (???)

From behind me, I hear a joyful child's voice. I turn around in high hopes, but I can't recognize the face of the kid running towards me with open arms.

It's not like I don't know it. I can recognize the faces of my past in an instant, even if I don't want to. It's just that the face of the kid shifts into a thousand different faces per second, each of them waking a burning hatred inside of me.

Drowsily, I turn around once more. I try to get a clear mind, but I can't. I know that it's a dream, but I can't control anything. Once again, I'm imprisoned inside one of my memories.

There's a woman in front of me now, but it's the same as with the child. The face and body shift indefinitely, making her unrecognizable.

"Dear!" (???)

At that moment, a hand tears through her stomach. Her intestines slither out of the hole in her body, landing on the ground with a noise I will never get used to. A few drops of blood land on my cheek. I feel the scalding hot liquid trickle down.

Her body drops to the ground, lifelessly. I have to watch, powerless. I try to move again.

I can't.

From one second to the other, the woman's and the kid's bodies multiply or rather separate into their real forms. Their merged carcasses fill my view rapidly, reminding me of how many times this scene has already repeated itself in the past. The blissful plane bathes in their blood.

Some get impaled.

Some burned alive.

Drowned.

Stabbed.

Electrocuted.

Poisoned.

"GET THE HERETIC!" (???)

In an endless loop, they die in front of my eyes. The people I called "family" with every good intention. The people I swore to protect. Each of them are killed, again and again, each way crueler than the other.

And I'm unable to stop it. For hours, I watch them suffer. I'm forced to, again.

Their screams rip their own vocal cords, as the torture continues on. I remember the time when I wanted to lose any ability to hear, only to escape the cries of agony choking on their own blood.

I also remember when my wish was granted, only for the cries to reverberate inside my head.

I tried to lose the ability to see, so this sick movie wouldn't play in front of me again and again.

The pictures still haunted my mind without end.

I tried so many things.

There was never a way out.

When the last one of the thousands of victims finally took the last breath, the environment warps. I would feel relieved if only I didn't know where this change would lead me.

A completely white room.

I can finally move again.

"Wasn't that a nice nostalgic experience? Nothing's better than a good flashback." (???)

From behind me, I hear the voice that caused all of the deaths I just saw and so many more.

I turn around, and there he sits, cross-legged. The silhouette of a human, just a glaring smile adorns the void that his head is supposed to be.

I never felt so much hate in all of the lives I've lived. He's the reason for any kind of suffering. He's the reason that I became the way I am.

"Oh come on, don't make such a face. Isn't this a nice little reunion?" (???)

"I would've been fine without seeing your cute smile ever again, God." (Me)

At me, calling him God, his smile only widens grotesquely, spreading from one side of his face to the other. The spiteful so-called "Creator of the Universe" becomes giddy after reuniting with me. It's been several millennia, but I easily could've accepted more.

"God? Why are you using that word? Ain't we more familiar?" (God)

"Deleted you from Facebook ages ago." (Me)

He changes his position a bit.

"Come on, why don't you try saying it once?" (God)

"..." (Me)

His smile widens even more.

"Come on, try saying "Daddy"." (God)

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