《Reinventing the Struggle》Chapter 6: But why?
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“You know what your obligations demand of you.” Kurt said with barely restrained hatred as he slid forth a plain semi-automatic pistol across the table to Walter, with one round in the chamber that everyone present saw being inserted a couple of minutes ago. “The trash needs to be taken out.”
Walter stared at the pistol for a moment, while a conflict rages on in the depths of his mind. His own thoughts, sculpted through a [so far short] lifetime in a culture steeped in, whispers for the sweet release of an honorable death. Meanwhile the shards, which seemed to have reconstituted into something that resembled a soul that even calls itself by the name of James, advocated discarding what it perceived to be the worthless notions of honor, and double down on the disgrace, as if it revels in wallowing in the humiliation brought upon by transgressions.
Easy for a disembodied soul from another world living rent free in someone else’s head to say, being rather insulated from most of the non-physical consequences and all. On the other hand a death of the physical body would mean the end of his goals, at least temporarily…
You ain’t thinking of doing it because of your obsession for honor, you’re thinking of it because it would be the quick and easy way out. The shards- the disembodied voice of James mocked him. What if death isn’t the end? I’m proof enough of that. What if you off yourself and you lose your honor anyways after the deed? You think any of those shitheads have your interest in mind?
As coarse and crude the words were, the shards had a point. For all the talk of honor and moral virtue among those of noble birth there has be preciously little of that being displayed in actuality. Even out here, far from regaining their redemption, they were digging themselves further into the pit of unforgivable sins.
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Mustering the dregs of determination that he still possessed Walter shook his head and slid the pistol back.
“I have not yet given up on the path of redemption.” He simply said to the Earl Marshal.
The Earl Marshal did not take it well, as he grabbed the pistol, cocked it, and pointed it directly at Walter’s eyes.
“Won’t be the first time I have to take out the trash myself.” He growled, ready to do what he has done countless times before.
“Perhaps this… problem might be put to better use, elsewhere?” The slightly bored voice of Therese butted in. She was leaning off in a corner of the rather austere room, while showing no obvious signs of interest her very presence belies her intentions, whatever they might be. “After all, there is still much work to be done concerning the Turiacs.”
Kurt gave a snort, while still keeping the pistol pointed at Walter. “They are a cursed people in a cursed land. We have banished them back to their hated lair.”
“For now.” Therese narrowed her eyes. “And that’s what our fathers have said, and their fathers before them. Yet as sure as seasons they always come back, hungering for destruction and corruption as is their nature. Surely as someone of your brilliance could see that they need to be taught a lesson. Moreover a lesson that will leave a mark where they will see it the day after.”
“And you wish to embark on such an accursed task?” Kurt asked the question pointedly, having caught on to what she was implying immediately. Therese shook her head.
“Oh no, the forsaken one in front of you will.” She said with a warmless smile, an almost sinister grin. “Make the Turiac bastards spend the bullet instead.”
Kurt nodded slowly as he lowered the pistol, before leaving it on the desk. “A valid point.” He said to Therese, before turning his attention back to Walter. “You will die, and you will make your death a meaningful one.” He said icily as he got up from his seat and made his way to the door.
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A silence descended in the room as Walter and Therese stared at each other for a long moment, each gauging the other’s intentions while trying not to voice their own questions. Therese was the first to break the silence.
“Show some gratitude already.” She prodded. Walter blinked a couple of times before answering.
“Why?” The two souls asked in unison through one voice. Both wanted to know for different reasons.
“You assume ulterior motives from me?” Therese asked in a mocking offended tone, unsheathing her sword and pointing it at his throat. Walter, or rather, James, groaned inwardly. Compared to the genuine hatred on the Earl Marshal’s part, the theatrics of an ex-otome-villainess wasn’t all that impressive.
“It wouldn’t be out of character for you to do so.” Walter/James calmly explained, still unflinchingly nonchalant about having his life threatened for the second time that day. “After all, you are the star of your life, everyone else merely obstacles or props to overcome said obstacles… and I suspect I’m in the latter category.”
After a moment of silence, Therese withdrew and resheathed her sword. “Then know your destiny, and act accordingly.” She said as she turned around and exited the room as well. Leaving Walter alone in body, stewing in enough thoughts for two.
……
“Why?” The simple one word question echoed again and again in Walter’s head as James asserted his consciousness.
“Why what?” Walter asked back, genuinely not understanding what the shards were asking. Or why they- he is asking this kind of question now of all time.
“Why continue this farce?” The question came out of the void. Walter responded by rote.
“Because that’s what virtue expects.” Even before the thought was fully formed he felt the pushback.
“And said virtue system expects nothing out of anyone else?” James shot right back. “You think that bitch was acting virtuous by stealing the credit of our work? Or that smug old bastard that’s all too willing to off us because how it’s done is more important than something actually being accomplished?”
“The moral character of the man is his responsibility and his alone!” Walter shot back, but with less conviction than before. The shards did raise points, not necessarily sophisticated points, but points that nevertheless need to be addressed.
“So why are everyone else prospering by doing the exact opposite?” The questing became more biting with each strand of thought exchanged.
“Suffering is the true test of virtue.” Walter trotted out yet another generic platitude, drilled into his head by the academy instructors, and once again he finds solace in those familiar words.
The saying hit James differently. “Oh fuck you’re even more retarded as the rest of them. At least they know how much bullshit the whole official morality is. Fine, have it your way, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when they dump this weakass body into some unmarked grave and everything ends up going to shit regardless.”
And with that Walter was by himself, the shards having bugged off to some dark recess of his mind like it does from time to time, usually taking a break from having to deal with the apparent stupidity of this world.
And to be honest, the feelings are mutual. Perhaps this James came from a much more prosperous world, a world that didn’t have to compromise between moral virtues and material gains… but here in Novita, moral virtue is all they have in the absence of everything else.
If he loses that, death wouldn’t be a threat, but a release.
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