《Leftover Apocalypse》022: Muppets, Questionnaires, and Planar Travel

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I watched the hooded figure dart from one shadow to another, making their way along the dark street. They would have been more hidden if they had just walked along calmly. Once I was sure nobody was watching I began to sprint towards them, trusting in the boots Connie had given me to keep my approach silent. As I got closer I ducked into an alley to wait and watch - sure enough, they stopped at an unassuming door and looked around once again for anyone watching them in a way that both failed to spot me and made it clear to anyone in the area that they were doing something interesting. Satisfied that they weren't being watched, they knocked three times in a pattern and the door opened.

I thought about charging, catching them by surprise, but I didn't want anyone to get hurt. "You're bad at sneaking," I called out instead, and someone got hurt anyway.

"Shit! Ow! My thumb! You startled me!"

"Holy shit, Errod, did you just cut your thumb on your own sword while trying to draw it? Why was your thumb down by the blade? How did you do that?"

He flipped his hood back and looked around again, before scowling at me. "Callie, we're trying to be quiet about this! Why would you just walk right up and yell out my name?"

"Err, if Hammersmith's goons were here in Spinehollow they wouldn't be lurking in the dark hoping to hear your secret knock. They would just kick the door down. It's fine. Good to see you too, by the way."

He sighed, and then walked over and hugged me. "I'm glad you're safe. Connie is okay too?"

She was. We'd been traveling by a roundabout route, and as far as we could tell there was no indication that Hammersmith was following us. Connie had made us travel the first day wrapped in a hideously scratchy blanket that she swore would prevent anyone from tracking us, though apparently it was single use because she threw it out the back of the wagon after lunch the second day. I knew that she was more experienced with this stuff, but I didn't feel confident. Still, we were safe so far and soon we would be on our way. Supposedly there would be no risk of us being attacked at the necropolis for some cultural reason Connie hadn't fully explained or really seemed to understand herself - again, not really reassuring - and then after that we'd be on another plane.

"So who is this?" a voice said from behind Errod.

I pulled away from Errod and got a look at the person who had opened the door. She was a little on the short side, with deep olive skin and unnaturally metallic golden hair that hung in curls to her shoulders. She was wearing a silk dress, a fancier version of the kind Hugh had gotten me when we reached Yallowsben. Errod turned to look at her and I thought I caught a little blush, though she was clearly way too old for him. She had to be at least in her twenties, and Errod was maybe sixteen or seventeen in Earth years.

"Ah. Um. This is Calliope. Callie. Uh, Callie, this is Aestrid Aldfeld."

Aestrid nodded, looking me up and down appraisingly. "Another kid. Interesting. What types of magic do you have?"

For some reason I didn't want to answer her. It was partly the blunt way she asked, but mainly it was something about her body language and tone. There was confidence there, but it gave me mean girl vibes like she was one of the kids in high school that tormented me. It was silly, she was working for us and it was a fair question - and one she would find out the answer to soon enough - but I just smiled at her and then turned back to Errod. "Come on, Err. Let's talk inside."

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Aestrid didn't seem bothered by my lack of response, which actually made me relax somewhat. Inside the building we headed to a little kitchen and then into what I thought at first was a closet but turned out to be some very narrow stairs leading into a basement. At the bottom, I got my first look at our other new crew members. One was tall and thin, and sitting up extremely straight in a chair while he read a book. He had glasses, which seemed to be rare in this world, and hair so short and with such tight little curls I thought it was a knit cap at first. The other stranger was hanging upside-down by one foot from a ceiling beam, shirtless, and was a ridiculous shade of orange.

"Hello!" the orange one called, still dangling, "I'm Sige! You're... Callie, right? The younger one? Fuck yeah. Very good. Looking forward to getting on the road. If you guys hadn't been here by end of day tomorrow I think I would have given the retainer back, I fucking hate being in this basement."

He said it cheerfully, grinning to reveal his unnaturally large square teeth. He reminded me of a Muppet - the big teeth, the orange skin, the... lack of ears? And to top the look off, he was covered in fuzz, too fine to be fur but too thick to be human body hair. Otherwise he was basically human-shaped, just a little too wide and blocky.

"Miss Smith, if I could have a moment as soon as you're settled?" It was the tall one, who I assumed was Cyne Steley. I nodded to him and then looked around the basement again for somewhere to put my bag.

"Katrin met us outside of town and told me roughly where this place was, she's still with Connie and Mila at the wagons. We can go meet them in the morning and get moving." I lowered my voice to a whisper and turned to face the corner as I put my bag down. "How are they? They all seem a little strange."

Errod took a moment to answer, and when he did he spoke slowly as if having some difficulty choosing his words. "They're... good. I think they're all competent at what they do, and while their personalities don't quite match they haven't been fighting or anything. As for being strange, well... we're a little strange too. And I think anyone that we could pay to do this sort of job is going to be at least a little odd."

That seemed fair. I patted him on the back and went to see what Cyne wanted.

"Thank you, miss Smith. Please, sit. My name is Cyne Steley as I'm sure you've guessed. I would like to presume you've done your research on me prior to paying my retainer, but to be clear I wanted to discuss some terms."

"Yeah, sure. Is this about you being a pacifist?"

He nodded. "That is part of it, yes. I will not harm anyone even to save my life or the lives of others. In general I apply this philosophy only to myself, and will not consider our contract broken just because you engage in combat. That being said, I will not abide torture, harming children, or otherwise initiating combat with those that wish only to live their lives in peace."

"That all sounds fine. If things go well it will mainly be zombies and skeletons we fight. So they're not even really alive."

"Just to be clear, miss Smith, I will not fight undead either. The animating force that controls them cannot be proven to be spiritually unharmed by violence, and so I include them in my philosophy of non-aggression."

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I was tempted to ask why animated corpses - the textbook example of an enemy it was okay to destroy - was still off limits, but I was tired. "I won't pretend to understand that, but that's fine. That doesn't fall into any of the other categories you mentioned though, right? Like, we can kill skeletons and you won't quit?"

"Correct. Just don't rely on me to assist in the fighting."

"Yeah, whatever then. We have the other two for that. Is that all?"

"One more thing, and then some medical questions. I am used to working as a guide, helping people travel to other planes. At times I have had clients that disregard my instructions, and twice this has led to people dying. I will of course defer to your command for the majority of the trip, but when crossing between planes or when on a dangerous plane I must insist you instruct all members of our group to do exactly as I tell them. I promise I will not abuse this, and will only give orders if needed to keep everyone safe."

"Yeah. No problem, before we go to Nusos I'll let them know."

His eyebrow raised, and the immediately went back down.

"Did you not know where we were going?"

"The communication was sparse, but an upfront retainer is generally enough to make up for a lack of detail. It is not uncommon that I need to work for people who wish to keep the full mission secret until the trip begins. I would have asked that soon regardless, there are a few planes I cannot easily get to. Nusos has some dangers, but it's manageable and getting there is trivial. We can discuss specific safety measures and travel strategies when the time comes. In the meantime, my other terms... I understand this trip is expected to result in a large payout at our destination, which is why the guaranteed amount is somewhat lacking. Should I die during this trip, I must insist that my share still be set aside, and donated to the Sithlan House in Twelve Towers."

I nodded. It didn't seem like good policy to tell people they could split shares from dead party members anyway in case that created some temptation. I wasn't sure what the Sithlan House was, but it didn't matter.

He pulled out a small notebook and a very fancy looking pen, and flipped through pages for a moment. "With that out of the way. As healer for this trip, I need to confirm some information about you. This will be kept confidential and is written in code in my notebook so that even if I were to lose it there would be no chance of others reading it. Are you human?"

"Yes."

"Sex?"

"Female."

"Any degenerative conditions?"

"No."

"Any serious allergies?"

"I recently had them removed, and I'm wearing a bracelet that would stop them anyway."

"Any prior injuries that didn't heal correctly?"

"No."

"Any scars or other tattoos that are important enough to you that you would risk harm in order to have me heal you slowly to carefully preserve them?"

"Uh, no."

"Apart from the allergies you mentioned, have you been modified by enhancement magic?"

"No."

"Do you have a Dumine?"

"No."

"Do you have a Tahikk implant?"

"I don't know what that is. But no."

"Have you been bitten by a black dragon?"

"There are dragons? Sorry. Um. No."

"Have you traveled through Heregie?"

"No? I don't think so."

"It's another plane, made of living flesh."

"Wow. No."

"You seem to be new to this. Have you been to other planes at all?"

"No. I'm from an isolated town way out past the Western jungles, and we don't even have anyone that uses magic because of local laws."

He placed the pen into the notebook and closed it, then looked at me with his head tilted. "I'm very good at telling when people are lying. It's not magic, just a sort of knack I have. I would appreciate if you refrained from lying to me, and instead simply told me when there is a question you cannot or will not answer. I will respect your privacy, but do not wish to make decisions on false information."

"Huh. Yeah, okay. I have... been to some strange places, but not any of the thirty-six planes."

He nodded, and opened up the notebook again. "I can skip several of these... hmm. To the best of your knowledge, have you ever consumed human flesh?"

"Yikes. No."

"Have you ever had parasites larger than two inches in diameter?"

"No."

"What is the closest you have come to death?"

"We're about to start the last week of the month, right? Okay. So on the first of this month my head almost exploded and then I think I spent a few days in a coma. Then I almost died a few times because of allergies. Then on like... the ninth I think... I got stabbed pretty badly and almost bled out and froze to death. And then there was a bunch of other stuff where I could have died but didn't actually get hurt or whatever."

He nodded, not seeming at all surprised by the list and not showing any interest in why my head would have exploded. "Final question, should you be beyond saving, do you have any specific requests regarding your remains?"

"My sister will be with us. She can decide. Otherwise, just... um... yeah, no. I don't give a shit. Unless there's a way to be brought back to life?"

"Only under very specific circumstances. It would be unlikely that you would have that option."

"Yeah then I don't care. I guess just don't do anything too embarrassing with my corpse."

He tucked the notebook away and stood up. "Thank you. Please keep in mind that while I have studied healing extensively I do not have life or enhancement magic and so I am most suited to healing injuries that your body could theoretically heal over time without magic. There may be some things we encounter where I am unable to do anything."

We had wandered back towards the middle of the room as he spoke. I gave him a thumbs up, then couldn't remember if that gesture meant the same thing here as on Earth. "It's fine, I'm sure you'll do great. Mainly I'm just excited to be going to another plane."

Sige was now close enough to hear us, and perked up. "Oh, are you a newbie? You want to go right now?"

Cyne raised an eyebrow disapprovingly. "Mister Laleah, I don't think that spontaneous trips to other planes is the smartest move - especially if it means separating one of our employers from the rest of the group."

Sige grinned. "Naw, it's fine. Callie, you want to step across? Itzele is always close, it's no big deal. I've got the mana for it."

It was a bad idea. Clearly. Sige reached out his huge, fuzzy, orange hand. I took it.

Everything started to fade out, getting quieter. I could still see Errod trying to talk to Aestrid as she ignored him and brushed her hair, but I couldn't hear his voice. The lights were dimming too, though nobody seemed to notice - Cyne wandered off shaking his head in disappointment and began reading his book again, even though it was clearly too dark to do so. And then, all at once, everyone but me and Sige vanished from the basement just before it went pitch black. The whole thing had taken maybe a minute. Sige squeezed my hand reassuringly and then let it go to fish around in his bag, and after a moment a wooden sphere became visible in his palm - it was another light device. The basement looked wrong, with the walls cracked and covered in some kind of mold. The furniture was gone except for one bed that looked like it would crumble to dust at a touch.

"Yeah, so this is Itzele. It's always in alignment because its cycle is a single day long. It looks just like the true world, but darker and stuff. More monsters, too, but less variety of monsters."

I'd seen so many movies and video games with parallel worlds that were dark reflections of the real world that this felt almost disappointingly familiar, but it was just creepy enough that I couldn't joke about it even to myself. It felt like something was watching me.

"You can just pull people over, that easily?"

"Yeah. Well, no. Kind of. It's easiest when they want to, you know? Plus there was just the one of you, and we're already in a basement. It's easier in underground places, dark places, shit like that. Same going back the other way. And I took my time, it uses more mana to try and do it quickly."

I slowly climbed the steps, listening to them creak ominously under my feet. The little kitchen was much like the basement, with most of the furniture gone or ruined, and when I got to the door it was just an open doorway out to the street.

The sky was black. I'd grown used to seeing a dazzling display of stars, far more than I'd ever seen on light-polluted Earth, but here there was nothing. Down on the horizon there was a faint red glow, but that was the only change in the sky. I could barely see the buildings around us.

"Don't go too far, not sure what all is out here tonight."

"Couldn't you use this to... I don't know, break into anywhere you want?"

He chuckled. "Naw, most important places have runes that keep you from crossing over. Big cities actually have stuff that covers everything inside the outer walls, and even in a little town like this I bet the armory and the governor's house and stuff is warded. So you could bust into a normal person's house, but you could do that lots of ways."

I took one last look around, trying to think of what the black sky with its red horizon reminded me of, and then decided I was tired of that feeling like I was being watched. I nodded at Sige and we headed back inside and down the stairs. After a moment light began to fade back in from the other side, the flames appearing before the lanterns they were in which was a little odd. I only had a second to stare before the rest of the room returned - he tried to hide it, but I saw Errod pacing just before he noticed we were back. Cyne looked up and nodded at me, and Aestrid just continued brushing her hair.

"So what did you think?" Sige asked.

"Spooky. But tomorrow first thing we're going to be headed towards the necropolis, so... I should get used to spooky."

I climbed into one of the undersized beds, and fairly quickly everyone else picked one and did their best to squeeze in for the night. Sige started snoring, loudly, and I could hear Errod mumbling something in his sleep. On top of that, some corner of my mind was sure I could still feel something watching me and was worried something had followed us back from Itzele. It was clear I wasn't going to sleep well, but I had some hope that I would at least get some rest on the wagon the next day.

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