《Legendary Farmer (available on Kindle July 2022!)》Cuckoo's Dream - Chapter Two
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Sampson, Alpha’s horse, stood placidly by as Alpha and R3dLit3 signed the contract. [Contract] was one of the first skills a mule learned, and was almost as important as [Identify]. A contract proved that two players had agreed upon something that might require a higher authority to step in and enforce. Usually, that higher authority was one of the servants of the complainant’s god, but in cases involving real world exchanges, such as bank transfers, it could even reach a game master, who might put a temp ban or severe debuffs on anyone who could be proven to have violated a contract.
R3dLit3 glared down at the contract petulantly. “This is the normal one?”
Alpha sighed. “Yes. Have you not done a contract before?”
The boy, a bumbling idiot with long, stringy brown hair, exchanged a glance with his teammates. UmberHulk6, who seemed to be R3dLit3’s second in command, grimaced. The boy’s watery blue eyes and weak chin clashed with the bulk of his body, which was so heavily muscled he obviously found it difficult to do simple things, like turn his head more than a few degrees. That could happen when someone managed to build a completely unbalanced character, but it had been a while since she’d seen it in person.
“I wouldn’t have to do this if Fantum hadn’t gotten caught and dragged us into the mud with him. Screw all those wimps for abandoning ship as soon as the devs nerfed us.” R3dLit3 muttered, pressing his thumb against the bottom of the contract.
Alpha kept her face impassive, but inside she was grinning. She hadn’t lied, exactly. This was a standard contract. She actually had three, and she privately called them the ‘Like’, ‘Don’t Care’, and ‘Loathe’ contracts. They only varied in one very small way… how she got paid.
If she liked and trusted her client, she was fine waiting to be paid until after they sold their loot, as long as it took no more than two days. If she didn’t care, she’d go with them to sell the loot, and take her payment as soon as the sale was complete. If, on the other hand, she detested said client, she demanded half up front and the other half as soon as they left the hunting area or dungeon. Of course, usually she took a percentage of the proceeds in either gold or items, but today she needed cold, hard, real-world cash.
Player [email protected] has transferred US$100 to your account.
Alpha grunted in satisfaction at the notification and looked around. “Is this it? A five man party for Black Catacomb? You know it’s recommended eight plus, right?”
UmberHulk6 sneered. “Six now.”
She shook her head decisively. “I carry your stuff. I don’t aggro the mobs.” She looked around at the three remaining boys. The tags over their heads read JumperMan, I’ll Kill You All, and Charleston Chew. She doubted any of them was over eighteen, and JumperMan looked like he’d barely passed the minimum age to play Veritas, which was fourteen.
Charleston looked nervous. “Maybe we should wait for some of the other guys, R3d. This’ll be easy with-”
R3dLit3 scowled. “Screw that. I found the map, and I’m going to be the next leader of ForceWorn, once I get the-” He stopped, eyes flickering to Alpha.
She sighed. “It’s already after 15:30. Are we going, or not? Just so you know, there are no refunds.” She flicked her wrist, and the contract rose to hang in the air beside her. She pointed to an area near the bottom. “I get paid even if you decide not to go, so either get moving, or give me another hundred bucks. I’d prefer the latter, honestly.”
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R3dLit3 snatched the paper from the air. “Hell it does! We never paid our mules unless we finished the run!”
Alpha shook her head, feeling her thick dreadlocks sway against her cheeks. “No wonder they all left your guild, then. Now, what’s it going to be?”
The five youths exchanged glances. Their expressions ranged from angry to worried, but they all looked determined. R3dLit3 turned toward the desk beside the bulletin board, and his hands wiggled as he muttered to himself.
Player R3dLit3 offers you a Fast Travel Pass to Black Catacomb. Accept? Yes/No
She sighed and selected Yes. The ground fell out from beneath her feet as she was swept away. She had a feeling she was going to regret it, but she was committed now.
❦ ❦ ❦
Alpha had been on so many Black Catacomb runs that she’d lost count. It was a solid mid-level dungeon, with several different areas. It was good for players from levels 30 to 50, so as long as you stayed in the right area for your level, you could farm it for a long time.
Farm was the right word, too. Black Catacomb was best known for the rare Black Lotus blossom. It was the main ingredient in the highest level resurrection potion, which could bring a recently deceased player back to full health in an instant. Most res pots restored no more than 25% health, so a player still needed either a healer or several healing potions to bring them back up to full health. When you were in the middle of a battle, that took time you probably didn’t have, so the Lotus res was a highly desirable (and expensive) item.
Alpha looked around at the boys. Jumper actually looked a little motion sick, and she almost shook her head. These kids were clearly noobs, and had no business being someplace like the Catacombs. R3dLit3 started toward the arching pile of bones that was the entrance to the Catacombs, the other boys trailing along behind him like obedient ducklings.
She cleared her throat. “Party?”
R3dLit3 stopped, and for a flicker of a moment he looked embarrassed. Then he pulled his jerk-face mask back on and glared at her. “Why do you need that?”
“Because I can’t tell if you guys are almost dead if I can’t see your hitpoints?” She tapped her foot. R3dLit3 was obviously used to his guild mules, and they would have been partied as a matter of course. She had a feeling he was being difficult just because he should have thought of it, and he was trying to make his error look intentional in front of his buddies.
“Look,” she said. “Just party me and then use your guild chat, if you’re worried about me hearing you guys talk. I just need to know when to bug out if you get party wiped. Plus, it lets me share my item log so you know I’m not stealing anything.” Not that she would.
“Fine,” he muttered. “Whatever.” He waved his hand and the party invite popped up. Alpha accepted it, and the six of them passed beneath the skeletal arch.
Black Catacomb was, as the name suggested, an undead dungeon with a dark and gloomy ambience. The dimness had an almost palpable weight, and sounds seemed muffled. UmberHulk6 took the lead, with I’ll Kill You All and JumperMan slightly behind him. Charleston Chew, who was probably a mage, took the center position, along with Alpha. R3dLit3 brought up the rear, and Alpha’s shoulder blades itched, knowing he was behind her.
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Once they actually started, Alpha was reluctantly impressed by the teamwork of the five youths. Umber was the tank, and he easily held off three Shamblers at once while Charleston burned them. Fire was particularly effective against the corporeal undead, and Charleston was one of the better fire mages she’d seen. Now that she was in the party, she could see the other member’s health and mana hovering over their heads, and Charleston’s mana was refilling almost as quickly as he spent it.
The third Shambler’s head fell into the dust beside it, and it crumpled to its knees. I’ll Kill You All appeared beside it. Alpha started. She hadn’t even noticed the short, slim, black-clad boy vanish, but he’d just managed to one-shot a level 37 zombie. Definitely an assassin, then. Kill leaned over each corpse, and when he stood, they immediately began to break down into Fertile Earth.
The assassin glanced at Alpha, expression disturbingly blank, and a notification popped up in front of her eyes.
Player I’ll Kill You All wishes to open a trade. Accept? Yes/No
Alpha accepted, and several Rotten Bandages and a Dead Man’s Hand appeared in her inventory. She fed her log back into the party chat as she glanced at the items. Nothing that needed to be [Identified], but the Dead Man’s Hand was actually a pretty good drop. Without a word, the six of them fell back into formation, and moved on down the hall.
Alpha could almost have slept through the next two hours, if sleeping in game was an option. For all their personality flaws, the five boys made a solid team, and they moved steadily through the dungeon, heading for the Boss Chamber. The Decrepit Skeletons and Shamblers were mowed down, blown up, decapitated, and, occasionally, melted with acid bombs. It turned out that JumperMan was an alchemist, and he seemed to have a potion for almost every situation.
Alpha glanced sidelong as a narrow passage that vanished off to their right. Nearly everyone went that way, since it led to the underground chamber where the Black Lotus was most likely to be found. This group, however, passed it by entirely, with only the alchemist sending a look in that direction. It was Alpha’s first indication that the situation was about to go off the rails.
About a hundred feet further on, the five veered sharply left, then got down on their hands and knees to crawl through a hole beneath a large, empty casket. Alpha hesitated. ::You didn’t say you were going to fight the Lich,:: she sent in party chat.
R3dLit3, the only one who hadn’t already vanished down the hole, shoved her none too gently toward the opening. She didn’t budge, but she did scowl at him, baring her tusks angrily. He glared back, and she gave him credit for that. Most people flinched at least a little when she showed her teeth.
::Go on,:: he growled. ::You signed on for Black Catacomb, not any particular part of it. We’re going to kill the Lich, and you’re coming with us, or you’re giving my money back. You too scared to stand there and watch us kill him?::
::No,:: she said, slowly, ::but he has several Area of Effect spells that can hit me, too. Plus, he summons minions, and they go after everyone in the area, not just the combatants. If I die, you guys have to haul out your own loot. Why not just go for the Dullahan? He drops Prismatic Armor pieces, but Lich only drops a Skeleton Key. You can buy those from an NPC in Bloodhaven. They’re expensive, but cheaper than a party wipe.::
R3dLit3 bumped her with his shoulder as he shoved past. ::Shut up and come or don’t. If you don’t, I’m reporting you, though.:: He vanished down the hole.
Alpha glared. Why had she decided to do this instead of getting some rest before work? An image of her spreadsheet with a bright red 200 on it flashed through her mind’s eye. Oh. Yeah. Damn. She rubbed her eyes tiredly and knelt down to crawl into the long, narrow passage that led to the Lich’s lair.
When she reached the end of the cramped space and stood again, the five boys were huddled together, talking. They glanced suspiciously toward Alpha as she stood, stretching as she hauled her almost seven foot tall frame from a space far too small for it. She could just make out a few quiet mutters, and then they switched to guild chat. Or tried to.
::Yeah, but she just thinks we’re here for Lich and the Skeleton Key,:: R3dLit3 said. He had forgotten to switch from party chat to guild chat, and no one else seemed to notice. Since they were all in both groups, the words would sound the same to them, and they would only be able to tell the difference was if they looked at their logs. Alpha kept the smirk from her face and focused on adjusting the many spatial bags hanging about her person.
There was silence as the others must be replying, and then R3dLit3 shook his head dismissively. ::She doesn’t seem that smart. I mean, she’s a mule. She’s not gonna figure it out.::
The miniscule smirk vanished from Alpha’s face, and she fought not to grind her teeth. Not smart? Who was the idiot still talking where she could hear him?
The five bumped fists, and R3dLit3 turned back to Alpha, speaking out loud. “When we go in, you stay outside. Just keep an eye on us, and if we go down, use a [Return] scroll and meet us in Bloodhaven. I’ll pay you when you give us our stuff.”
She folded her thickly muscled arms over her chest. “What [Return] scroll? You didn’t give me one, so I figured this was a runner.”
The boy glared. “Can’t you do anything? Our regular mules always had scrolls.”
Alpha spoke slowly. “Those. Were. Your. Guildies. They probably got those scrolls from the guild bank. I’m not using an expensive scroll unless you pay for it.”
Scowling, R3dLit3 pulled a scroll from his inventory. UmberHulk6 put a hand out. The youthful voice issuing from the mountain of muscle almost managed to make Alpha laugh. “If you give her yours, you won’t have one, Eric. Just-”
R3dLit3 closed his fist on the parchment just before Alpha could take it. He smirked as he thrust his elbow back into UmberHulk6’s gut. The tank didn’t even grunt. “Give her yours, then, dumbass,” R3dLit3 told his guildmate, and UmberHulk6 obediently passed a scroll over to Alpha, who accepted it with an impassive face.
“Fine,” the boy’s leader said. “Just keep your wimpy ass outside, and if one of us brings you something, make sure you get it out. That’s your only job.”
She nodded. He was right, that was her only job. She couldn’t help it if she kind of wanted to see them wipe, however, even though that would make getting paid more complicated.
The five players formed up, this time leaving no room for Alpha. She trailed along behind as they plowed easily through the diaphanous forms of the ghosts that attempted to block their path. They all now bore silver blades that shimmered subtly even in the light of their glowstones, and the magical weapons tore the Wailing Ghosts into shreds.
As they drew nearer to the Lich’s lair, they met the first of the Pie Zombies, and Alpha dropped back as the disgusting things exploded. They were each stuffed like a pie ‘fit for a king’, but instead of four and twenty blackbirds, what emerged from their grotesquely swollen bellies were Vampire Finches. After her first Lich run, Alpha had looked these up and found that they were a real animal, and she had instantly crossed the Galápagos Islands off her list of places to visit if she ever won the lottery. If she could ever afford to play the lottery.
Fortunately, Charleston Chew made quick work of the flocks of birds with a few well-placed [Fire Walls], and crispy nuggets fell from overhead, pattering to the ground in a disturbingly rhythmic pattern. The Pie Zombies themselves were really only bird distribution devices, so they were no trouble, and the group soon found themselves standing outside the gaping mouth of the enormous skull that housed the Lich’s throne. The skull was easily twenty feet tall, with an elongated occipital bone that created a sort of room inside the cavern in which they stood. All around them, the walls were lined with crypts, and it was from these crypts that the Lich would summon his minions.
Alpha looked around. “Where do you want me to wait? If I stand here, the mobs will mow me down on the way to attack you.”
R3dLit3 pointed up. Alpha looked, and saw the four black pits that were the nose and eye cavities. Whatever creature the skull had come from had had three eyes, and only a narrow slit for the nose. She looked back at the boy. “You want me to wait for you in an eye socket?”
He grinned. “You too scared? It’s a good spot. There’s a hole at the back where you can watch, and it makes a good sniping ledge for an archer. The mobs get up there eventually, but you won’t be doing anything to draw aggro, so they should ignore you, if they even notice you’re there. It’ll be too much trouble to get to you when we’re easier to reach.”
She shrugged, but inside she was cringing. Before the end, her mom had wasted away to little more than skin and bones. Alpha sometimes had nightmares that her mother’s emaciated corpse rose up, and her skull enlarged until she could swallow Alpha whole. Climbing into a skull voluntarily was a little too close to bringing that nightmare to life.
“Fine,” she muttered, and walked over to the yellowish bone chamber. She jumped up and grasped the sharp cheekbone, but the texture of the dry bone beneath her fingers was almost enough to make her drop back to the ground. Then strong hands grasped her boots and lifted her into the air easily. UmberHulk6 raised her overhead until her outstretched fingers could just grasp the edge of one of the two lower eye sockets.
“Head up to the top one,” R3dLit3 instructed. “It’s bigger.”
Swallowing hard, Alpha edged to the inner corner of the opening and stood on her toes. She got a solid grip on the lower part of the last eye socket and pulled herself up, smoothly sliding onto her belly, and then kicking her feet up behind her.
As she straightened up from her crouch, something shifted in the five-foot-deep hollow. Startled, she stepped back, her foot finding nothing but open air. A hand shot out of the darkness and caught one of her flailing arms, pulling her back to a stable position. Alpha stared.
A young elven woman stared back at her. Her curly brown hair was pulled back into a simple ponytail, and she wore brown leathers like an archer or ranger. Her mossy green eyes twinkled, and she laid a finger over full pink lips, which sported a mischievous smile. The tag over her head read simply ‘Amy’ in clear white text.
“Shhhhh.”
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