Her mistress’s throne room was decked out just like the pillowed dungeon you would imagine a millennia old succubus would have. Fabrics and cushions in gaudy reds, purples, and gold warmed up the gray stone walls and floors as much could be hoped for. A pearl white throne with blood red fabric was graced by the modestly dressed lady. Her purple Victorian gown had full-length sleeves and didn’t even leave any leg or cleavage for the imagination. The odd fashion statement by the otherwise lusty, full lipped succubus wasn’t lost on the Lich.

“Head Mistress. If I maybe so bold, why are you dressed so…”

“Elegant?” She interrupted him with a dare, even though she had no doubt expected him to ask.

Having second thoughts, she sighed and answered the question on his mind. “Yes, yes. It certainly must be odd to see one of my kind dressed so finely, let alone wearing clothing in the first place. After a thousand year I’m tired of men ogling me. How would you feel after daily having every man’s lecherous eyes feasting upon you?”

The Lich couldn’t help himself. A full belly laugh erupted from his skeletal frame. “Forgive me Head Mistress.” He said immediately, trying to hold it in.

Obviously not happy with him, she demanded. “What’s so funny?!”

“You capture and leech the life out of the men who you are accusing of being lecherous. Not only that, you are the queen of leeches. That is why I agreed to our deal.”

He could tell she was still upset, but her pride had been invoked. He had wisely stroked her ego enough to hopefully save himself from a headache later restoring their working relationship. Their deal, after all, could grant them both great power.

“And it’s the fact that I have grown tired of the act that has led me to our agreement. Leeching energy through magic is a much cleaner and more refined way of growing more powerful.”

“In that, we both agree. You do look lovely in the dress I must admit. It will make our meetings easier to manage.”

She nodded at his compliment but picked up on the last part of his statement. “Easier to manage?”

Perhaps he shouldn’t have gone as far as he did. She wasn’t a lady in a gown after all. He had best remember that, even if she no longer desired to prey on men in the same way that came naturally to her.

“Yes, Mistress. In this attire, I can enjoy your presence, while not undertaking too many distractions.”

With a raised brow she pushed him a little further. “So my race’s normal dressing habits would distract you. A Lich? How so? You have no flesh.”

“Very true, which give me immunity to some of your more persuasive abilities, but I was and still am, a man.”

“Noted.”

Though she didn’t show any inclination that this new bit of information affected her, he knew that she would test him later. How foolish had he been? It was time for a change of topic.

“If I may, I have some news that I think might please you.”

For the first time, a grin tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Oh yes please.”

“Everything is prepared. We begin tonight!”

With a thought, the Lich turned into a hunchbacked old man in a servant’s attire.

***

Ranch dressing! It’s a magically delicious concoction that should be put on everything. Steak. Burgers. Sandwiches. Chicken. More Chicken. Anything with bacon! Bacon? The two most wonderful things in the world… ranch dressing and bacon!

Well not quite, but I, Elorion, am a gamer. Food and gaming go well together, so dreaming about food while logged in on my favorite VR gaming chair was a great way to prepare myself for my next meal. It also helped pass the time while I was grinding or doing repetitive boring stuff to level up my game character.

Go master of fire on another Minotaur century; seasoned fries dipped in ranch dressing! Lightning strike from heaven imbuing my hammer to forge some magic weapons; bacon pizza with extra bacon! Spamming ‘ITEMS FOR SELL’ in the town square; ranch dressing and apple sauce! Eh, wait… Well. I’d try it.

Okay, I have had enough. I need food. Logging out, it took a moment before my VR head set gave me the red light that I was safe to take it off.

As I pull the full VR helmet off of my head, I saw the ugliest flying lizard in the history of the world hovering a foot from my face. My first reaction is to scream like a macholess girly man, and scream I do!

No, wait. It’s not a lizard because its snout is human in shape and its skin is green gray in color.

“Now that’s the sound I expect a fat lazy human to make! Congratulations! You have passed the test!”

Why haven’t I hit this flying, obnoxious, turtle-headed, thing in the face yet?

Instead of reacting as I should, all that comes out of me as I face a creature that shouldn’t exist is, “Uh.”

“I’m not an uh. I’m an imp. My job is to kidnap you. So come along.”

“You can talk?” I ask dumbly, completely missing what the creature just said about kidnapping.

“No, I can’t. You have just wasted your life playing so many video games that you have gone insane. I do not really exist. You are just seeing things. Oh and by the way.” He lifted his hand and pointed a single finger at me, then said. “Bind.”

A dim gray light extended from his finger. It was quick but slow enough that it could be seen with the naked eye. He was a foot from me so there was no dodging it. Whatever it was.

My arms shot to my chest, one over the other, and my heels clashed together. Something like an ethereal rope bound me and I suddenly found myself fallen off my chair, flapping around like a medicated walrus. There was no way of loosing what had bounded me.

“Time for your first lesson. You are a weak creature, only level 31. Fairly impressive I suppose for someone so young who is also so lazy, but humans normally get to between level 40 and 70 in their life time. That is incredibly low in the realm of the underworld. This binding spell is also fairly weak in general, but mine is a high level because I get to capture losers like you for coin. Anyways, the point of the story is that you are weak and useless right now. You will be given an opportunity to level up and hopefully, in time, you will be able to break this spell in mere moments. For now, you go where I want.”

I tried to speak, but the binding spell had covered my mouth. Note to self. Next time you see an imp, punch it in the face. Who is he calling fat and lazy? I play soccer and run track, but it’s summer so it’s the off season. Besides I still workout… sometimes. Fine, I’ve gained fifteen pounds. I did plan on getting in shape for my senior year in high school…

With a mix of panic and focus, I forced myself to examine my situation. When the imp said another command and I was suddenly floating, I gave him another round of walrus aerobics. The next thing I knew the imp whispered something and blew in my face. I lost consciousness.