“Mr. Snackenbridge. I believe that was covered in the tutorial,” says Alex the Agave.

“Go soil yourself, greenie. We both know you never finished giving the tutorial”

“We never finished the tutorial because one of the participants was more interested in drumming than in surviving.”

“Live to drum, drum to live. … … Ok, My main mm-plant. I gotta recover from those crazy monkeys. I can listen while you talk. So … there’s more of the little shits coming in a week? How many? One, three, so five next?"

“An mathematical sequence cannot be calculated from any finite number of terms. You have to know the underlying representation."

“What’s the representation, then, Big G?"

“That’s classified. As I was saying...Let us continue with the tutorial. "

“Quick joke before we start. What do you call a plant whose leaves are broad and flat when you run out of toilet paper? An asswipe."

"I’m listening. Tutorial on,” I say, collapsing on my bed.

The plant responds in slo-mo, “Ha

"Ha

"Your wit is so astounding I need to recover."

He waits precisely six and a half seconds. "Moving on. In addition to internal thaumic improvements, you can also use thaumic energy to purchase external items. Weapons, luxuries, defensive fortifications, walls for your open hut … You’ve purchased … lets’ see … oh, there it is: Drums and drumsticks. ... And a First Aid kit.”

“Yeah. Yo, I need another tube of that healy-goo. Make it two. Used mine up. Any idea why I’m so hungry right now?”

“The thaumic transformation gel you’ve been using is a marvel of thaumaturgical alchemy that we would have covered in the second hour of our lesson. In short, it takes thaumic energy from the body, and transforms it into accelerated healing. You used up the thaumic energy you had saved up in healing yourself, and will need to replenish yourself. And by the way, those were some nasty gashes. I certainly hope they didn’t hurt too much.

“Go fuck a syphillitic cactus.” I pull out an r-Thaum and eat it.

“In addition to material objects, one can use thaums to purchase a training program to learn the basics of a skill. While not sufficient to be a substitute for actual practice, it is normal that an expert coach can substantially increase the rate of learning for novices. Indeed, the biggest problem humans have with learning new things is that they don't learn to see the differences between good and bad before practicing. They practice the wrong things, in the wrong ways, and can’t tell the difference between their muddled attempts and doing it right. Solo practice, as a novice, often ingrains bad habits and limits future growth.

"Having a coach provides two great values. First, it provides someone with the knowledge necessary to suggest what to do next. But far more importantly, a coach can provide a second pair of eyes, which have the ability to see what one needs to do. Kevin, you already know this: you remember the drum teachers that taught you to stop holding the sticks wrong. That taught you to hold your elbows in and your wrists straight. The ones who smacked your wrist when you didn’t notice, to teach you to feel it.

"If someone, for instance, were interested in learning the basics of Escrima, transitioning from waving sticks at drums to swinging sticks to hurt enemies, a coach would be invaluable. Might even help someone avoid injury. It would be especially useful if someone were trying to learn a new form of 3-limbed escrima never before tried by humans.

"The advantage of a thaumic coach is that it’s much like the metronome you chose to add to your consciousness. Without attention, it’s as if nothing is there, but when you turn your attention to it, you get information that wasn’t available before. It will provide you all of the standard benefits of coaching: the expertise and explanations on how to do things; the ability to see or feel whether you’re doing it correctly; and you'll feel suggestions for how to improve. But better than coaches and instructors you've had in the past, you'll have coaching available all the time, on demand.

"Are you interested in a cognitive coach augmentation?"