“I want a tail like that monkey. His moves were sick. He’s going one way, then BAM! Goin’ the other way. He grabbed shit, sped up, slowed down. It was like he had 5 arms. He was totally kicking my ass, while weighing only as much as my ass. I bet if I had that tail, I could fight a lot better.”

“You expect me to believe that’s why you want a tail?”

“It was worth a shot, boss-man. No human has ever drummed with a tail before. I can totally break new ground. 5 separate rhythm lines. But dude...really. There’s a big difference between swinging with 2 limbs and 3. And that tail. It was longer than the monkey’s legs. On me that would be like 4 and a half feet long. With one of these big sticks, I can totally clock the shit out of the next monkey that shows up.”

“I am here to advise...not to direct. Though I hope the next monkey that arrives doesn’t eat you. It will cost 102 Red Thaums for a functioning human-sized spider-monkey tail. Would you like to spend them?

“Dude, yes. Tail for the win!”

Strangest thing I’ve ever experienced. First an itch, a pushing sensation , then a tail started to grow out of my tailbone. About as big around as my leg at the top. Took 30 seconds to grow down to the ground. Then another 20 to finish lengthening to almost 5 feet. At the end, it’s as thick as 3 fingers. It’s covered in short black hair … looks like my hair, but shorter. Except there’s a gripping pad near the end. And I can move it. I mean...I can kinda move it.

You ever see a baby learn to move his feet? Lots of concentration on his face, and then a leg jerks. I imagine I look about the same. I get the tail to move, but it’s not exactly going where I want. And it knocks over my cymbals. Good news … it’s not that heavy. I can hang it over my shoulder for the moment, and at least it won’t knock anything over, and I won’t step on it.

An hour of wrestling and lots of funny faces, and I can reliably get it to move when I want. Where it’s moving? Anybody knows. And I moved out of the hut so I knock over fewer things. Because even if I don’t have controls … it has pain. There’s only so many times a guy can handle getting his third leg smacked.

Finally looking up, I flash Alec an ok symbol.

“You’ve certainly become dangerous with that tail, Mr. Kevin. Something is liable to get very hurt.”

“Fuck off, Limp and green. This is incredible. I should be able to stop tripping over it before the next monkey attack. Okay. Other things I want. How much to get a hawk?

“A pet raptor would likely try to eat your tail. It looks like a snake”

“Already got a pocket snake. This is my third leg. And not that kind of hawk, man. A MO-hawk."

“We could cut your hair for free. Let me get my straight razor. If you use your tail to shave yourself, we could both avoid the continuation of this nightmare."

“Dude, like you look better. You’re some fucking rhododendron that forgot to bloom. Big, green, and boring. I don’t want just shaved sides, but this tail makes me the most metal drummer ever. I need a mohawk."

“Straight razor is still my suggestion. "

“10 inches tall, to let me hit seven feet. Stiff. Dark Green and Midnight Black. And stays that way. No need to put product in every day. If it gets cut, it grows back. Same colors. "

“That’s a little harder. 4 R-Thaums. "

“And snake eyes. Like the green ones. I saw a clip once. This West African Leaf Viper has these gorgeous green eyes that slit closed vertically. I’d love the ability to handle bright sun that they have, but mostly I want the look. Whole eye green, not white with an iris. I still want normal eyelids, and normal vision, but the look of those snake eyes. Vertical pupil."

“Cosmetic. 1 Thaum. The bright light will be handled too. That’s one oh seven total."

"That leaves me seven Reds. Make it so, number one."

“Aye aye, Cap’n."