Being reborn sucks! Let’s just start off with that fact, there is nothing pleasant about it. Sure since you start off in a warm dark place, it might not seem like the worst thing in the world. The only problem with that line of thought is that it doesn’t take into account how boring it is to just grow inside of a womb, plus your fingers and toes get all pruney. Besides the lack of activities you literally have no clue as to what’s happening, you can hear muffled talking and touch stuff, but it’s all slimy and you can’t see anything. Being stuck in a womb does nothing except drive home how powerless you are to do anything.

Then there’s the process of actually being born, some people might describe it like a water slide, and they’d be right, if they were talking about one of those closed over slides and you happen to be about three sizes too big to fit through it. It’s kind of like being a potato that is getting mashed, the only way you survive it is due to the fact that your bones are really flexible. Then after the grossest most uncomfortable waterslide everyone’s ever ridden is over there is the light.

The light, it is soo uncomfortably bright, it hurts your eyes even before you get out of the womb, and then when you’re fully in it, ugh, it’s like you just got hit with a flash bang grenade. It’s hard to focus, your head hurts and disorientation is a serious problem. I had a concussion once when I was a kid and this felt very similar. Of course being born might just give you a concussion to begin with so I’m not 100% certain it’s all the light’s fault it sucks so much.

Then comes the people, if you don’t scream right away, which believe me you are going to want to, they hit you with a hand that is 3 times the size of your bottom. Believe me, if you haven’t gotten all of the gunk out of your lungs by this point you will regret it, coughing out placenta while screaming in pain, is not fun. Sorry to rant, I’m John by the way, and in case you didn’t pick up on this little fact, I was just reborn and I don’t want to go through this experience ever again.

I guess I should tell you a little bit about me, and why my story is worth knowing. First off, I’m from Earth, and before you ask, I am not sure which one, I assume whichever one you are reading this in, but the multiverse is a tricky place. If you have Iphones and Laptops, and Hitler lost WW2 it’s probably close enough to my earth so that the differences don’t really matter. Back on Earth I was med student and closet Otaku, I was about 3 months from graduating and starting on my career as a doctor. Life was pretty good, until I went out drinking with a couple of my fellow med students… Then it went to shit.

We were at a bar called Murtagh’s, and I’d had more than a couple of drinks. It was a bar a little ways off from campus, but still close enough that a lot of college students found their way there. When we left the bar fairly drunk some vaguely homeless looking dude tried to rob us. A lot of people would just give up their wallets just to avoid the trouble, but I wasn’t most people, instead I was a 6’4” white guy from a middle class suburban family who’d never really been forced to deal with the depths of desperation that my mugger was dealing with. So my first response was to tell the guy to "Fuck off." Apparently he was a big believer in manners because one gunshot and a lot of bleeding later I was stuck in a womb. I wasn’t a pure soul floating around waiting to be reincarnated, I didn’t get to meet god, all I remember is the flash, the bang, the pain and then the stupid womb.

Which brings us back to the present after getting roughly toweled off (yeah, being born leaves you kinda sticky) I was handed off to what I assume is my mother, not quite sure yet, the light is still way too bright, so I’ve had my eyes closed this whole time. Then after a bit of complaining something started to poke my face, once it entered my mouth I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. I wasn’t really very thirsty, but I figured I was going to have to eat sometime. For the record, breast milk is weird, most people don’t really think about it, but try drinking warm milk and you will get a little bit of what I am talking about. On the plus side breast milk is also a lot more filling than I would have expected, after my first meal, eyes still closed by the way, I was handed off to someone.

I felt a light tapping on my back, which I could only assume was someone trying to burp me, but I ignored the sensation and instead reveled in the feel of the nice silky fur someone had put on their shoulder. It felt great, so soft, I ran my tiny hands through the fur and brushed my face against it. It was the first nice thing to happen since being reborn. I decided to open my eyes and take a look around, maybe get a better look at the fur. That’s when I noticed I was surrounded by wolves.

Yeah, that’s right, wolves only they were standing up and wearing pants. The one standing directly behind whoever was holding me looked huge, I would probably put him at around seven feet tall, with muscles that make the hulk look like a little girl. He had dark grey fur covering his whole body and scars all over his chest that looked like the result of swords meeting flesh. His face was like a giant wolf’s and his intense blue eyes seem to be staring into my soul. I tried to duck my head behind the shoulder it was resting on, but a couple of problems came up.

First off I had very little control over where my head went since my neck muscles were so weak. Did I mention being a newborn sucks yet? And my chin seemed to be stuck on the shoulder. I started to cry in distress hoping to alert whoever was holding me that there was a giant monster behind them, but they just seemed to think I had gas and started thumping on my back a little harder. Meanwhile the giant wolf tapped whoever was holding me on the shoulder, they turned around and the next thing I felt were giant hands lifting me into the air. As I was being pulled away from what felt like the only safe place in the world I got a better look at the person holding me.

First off she was stacked, second off the fur on her shoulder wasn’t just something to keep me from spitting up on her, it covered her whole body. Finally whoever she is, she most definitely is a wolf person just like the monster that I was hoping wouldn’t eat me. As the massive hands oriented me toward the monster I started to cry, I mean honestly who hands a baby over to a monster, my parents are the worst. The monster started to grin as he lowered me toward his mouth. He did it slow enough that I could count his teeth, guess what, he had a lot of them and they were all sharp. So much for this life, looks like I will be reincarnating again real soon.

Then his tongue came out and licked my face, right between my eyes and ears. Wait, how big is his tongue?? I lifted my arm, which was still not an easy feat and touched my triangular ears. That sure as heck was odd since they were not on the sides of my head, but instead were perched on top. I brought my hand down toward my face and felt my snout. Looks like the thing blocking part of my vision was my nose and mouth not just some vision problem associated with being a newborn.

The Monster lowered me down to his shoulder and I once again felt the silky smooth hair I had thought was just some random fur. Well ladies and gentlemen, it looks like I am some kind of Wolf man and the Monster holding me could very well be dear old dad. He gently patted my back and I felt something rise up. I let out a tremendous burp and then proceeded to pass out. Being a newborn is tough and finding out you are some kind of monster makes unconsciousness seem like a great idea.