After my breakdown, and much to the protests of her sister, Tylee declared me off limits until I had at least gotten something to eat. Despite this, Megaine did manage to slip in close when Tylee was summoned away to handle some kind of house business.

She opened her mouth, but I held up a hand, forestalling her. Glancing around, I extracted the flask of the purple-black concoction which I had lifted from the lab of Solus’ pet alchemist.

“Keep this safe.” I said, “I have some suspicions about what it is, but I need to test it.”

She palmed the flask and nodded, “Where were you taken?”

“The Overflowing Flagon.” I muttered, “Though it took me several days to get back here, so don’t expect to find much of anything. I’ll explain the rest when we’re together.”

Megaine nodded briskly and moved swiftly to the large form of Vesk. She spoke a few words to him as he watched her grimly. With a bow, he moved away with the fluid movements of a trained adventurer. I realized then that I had never really seen Vesk move. He had always been a sentinel, eternally blocking my way. His footsteps reminded me of a documentary I had once seen about hunting cats.

It felt odd to eat just before the noon bell, and I briefly contemplated introducing the word brunch to Esturia. I made the rather wise decision to not do so. No world is truly ready for brunch, and all of the social landmines involved in carrying it out.

The cook had seared and thinly sliced a steak that was so tender I briefly wondered whether he was a gray mage. The mushroom sauce tickled my starved senses, and the fresh baked bread might well have been ambrosia for the gusto with which I tore into it. Tylee had wisely decided against observing this particular feast, as I am sure that it was anything but pleasant to watch.

It was almost as good as the bath.

The little spark of white magic which danced through my system made it all the better. Though the diffuse pain of passing Mekel’s limit dampened the effect of using so little. I decided that I would give myself a little time to recover before I worked on controlling that particular magic.

Stuffed, clean, and more than a little drowsy, I stumbled back into the main hall of the manor. Tylee was there, but in the company of a man whom I did not recognize. My habit of checking a person’s eyes when I first met them gave me my first shock of the day.

He had a halo of black around his hazel eyes.

I reached for a dagger that was not there. Realizing that I was truly weaponless, I felt my fight or flight response kick in. I had been beaten and caged by a man like this, and I was not ready to let that happen again.

The whispers in my mind rose to a crescendo and I suddenly had an answer for at least one of them.

Why fight?

“You won’t take me!” I screamed, then threw myself at the man, whose eyes widened at my sudden ferocious charge.

The primitive, lizard part of my brain drove me forward, but it failed to take into account that the man was standing next to a seasoned knight. Before I could close within a meter of the man, Tylee was there, her hands wrapping my wrists in a steel grip. I snarled and struggled, but her overwhelming strength held me steady.

“Ethan.” She said softly, trying to get me to look at her, “This is Captain Quentus of the Seekers of Truth. He is here about a rogue pyromancer reportedly assaulting a servant this morning.”

The man stepped up to me and looked me over, “If you’ll excuse me Lady Arefina, he looks like he’s been cleaned up a little, but does match the description given.”

“Ethan?” Tylee asked.

I worked on controlling my breathing, but an animal part of me still flinched whenever I met the man’s eyes. I settled for staring at his black uniform.

“I did threaten a man this morning,” I admitted, hanging my head, “Though I didn’t actually intend to hurt him.”

I felt a strange pressure gather around me as I spoke. A scent of something cool and sterile tickled my nostrils. He was using black magic.

“Truth.” The man said solemnly, “Thank you Master Dyre. Lady Arefina, I believe this is a matter that can be settled personally or civilly. The Seekers are not needed here. Although I would like to question Master Dyre concerning his reaction to my presence. With your permission of course my lady.”

Tylee, who still had me in her grip, spoke up, “Ethan?”

The voices in my head were growing stronger as my mind began looping, “I… I don’t think I can. Not right now anyway.”

Tylee turned to the captain, “As I was telling you captain, Master Dyre has recently experienced a traumatic event. Would you accept my oath that I will bring him to the temple to speak with you in the near future?”

He bowed, “With your word alone I would be satisfied lady. I see no reason to burden your soul with unnecessary oaths.”

“Thank you, captain,” She said, “Perhaps it would be best if you left.”

He nodded, bowed, and marched out. Raila shut the door behind him and regarded me with wide eyes.

“I believe that we need to talk.” Tylee said calmly, “Raila, be sure that Master Dyre’s rooms are prepared, he will be staying with us for the next several days.”

“Of course, Lady Arefina.” Raila replied with a curtsey, hurrying off to fulfill her mistress’ will.

“That was quite the display,” Megaine remarked dryly as she descended the stairs, “I believe that this interview would best conducted by the babbling brook. Less chance of somebody listening in with all of those clear lines of sight.”

Tylee agreed and we adjourned to a gazebo by the aptly named brook. I was glad to see that there were no iron bars, just a wooden railing. That would be fine.

“We need to know what happened.” Tylee said after sitting opposite me, her sister next to her, “As much as you can.”

“Everything.” Megaine punctuated, returning the glare that Tylee shot at her at that word.

I rubbed the sides of my head took a deep breath, “No, Megaine is right. Quiet you.”

Megaine turned a frosty gaze on me while Tylee raised an eyebrow at my last words.

“Sorry,” I said, realizing that I had rebuked my internal chorus out loud, “Not you, the voices in my head.”

The two remained silent.

Ah, that was probably not a comforting thing to say.

I told them everything.

XXXXXX

Tylee looked over at Megaine, “Do you have the vial?”

Megaine shook her head, “I have made it secure. I will return it to Ethan when he asks for it.”

I nodded wearily, cradling my head in my hands. I really wanted some white magic right now.

“Vesk is already moving on the tavern with some former allies he trusts,” Megaine said, “We should know soon if he finds anything.”

“Vesk?” I asked, “Doesn’t he work for your father?”

Megain snorted, “Vesk tends to heed my father a little too much, but his ultimate loyalty is to me.”

His overprotectiveness of Megaine suddenly made sense. Vesk was not a man placed in the house to watch over Duke Arefina’s daughters, he was the bondsman of the eldest. I still didn’t know why he seemed to dislike me so much.

“A rogue black mage is disturbing news indeed.” Tylee said, playing with a lock of her hair as she looked at the ground, “I will go inform the Seekers immediately, though they will want to interview you personally. Something this serious will need to be confirmed by more than even my word can supply.”

“They’re going to use black magic on me,” I shivered, “Aren’t they?”

Tylee looked at me with compassion in her eyes, “I will make sure that Captain Quentus performs the interview. He is a personal friend and he will only use a truth spell, nothing invasive like what you have already lived through. Personally, I would like you to visit one of the Sanitarium’s brothers.”

I shook my head vehemently, “There is no way that I am letting another black mage in my head.”

“There is already one inside your mind.” Megaine interrupted, her voice harsh, “If you don’t receive treatment, you will likely go mad.”

“I’m not crazy!” I burst out.

The sisters regarded me with calm eyes. I realized that I was breathing heavily, and the voices in my head were clamoring.

“Sister,” Megaine said softly, “I would like to speak with Master Dyre alone. Would you make your trip to the temple of Tyr now?”

Tylee weighed her sister for a moment, then nodded, “Very well.”

Tylee left and Megaine gestured for me to follow her. We walked through the garden in silence until we reached the edge of the pond. When we arrived, the hydromancer turned to me and held out an iron-wrought circlet with a gem which hummed in my magical senses. I snatched it out of her hand and put it on.

“Go ahead,” Megaine said softly.

I embraced the power of white magic and sank to my knees, exulting in the thrill of the stuff. I was still low on essence, but the constant draw from the phylactery was enough that I could keep a slow burn going in my body. I felt much better.

“It’s as I thought.” Megaine said, “You’ve become addicted to white magic.”

“I’m just learning to control it.” I said defensively.

“You are a practitioner of the medical arts Ethan,” Megaine said calmly, “What are the early signs of magic addiction.”

“Overuse of magic,” I repeated instantly, “Even when there is no need for it.”

“And how do they justify that overuse?” She asked me.

“They claim they are…” I trailed off.

Oh crap.

Megaine took my face in her hands and look closely into each of my eyes in turn, “I don’t see any signs of iris impingement by your use of white magic, yet. I think your gray is still dominant enough, though it may be slightly lighter than I remember it. Please release your hold on the magic.”

I realized with a start that I had been holding onto the magic the whole time we had been talking. I let it go, shivering as I forcefully stopped myself from igniting more essence immediately.

“This is another reason why you should visit the Sanitarium.” She said, “The black mages there can help you.”

“I can’t tell them that I’m a white mage!” I protested sharply, “They would turn me over to the sisterhood immediately.”

“White mages are not the only ones who can become addicted to white magic Ethan,” She said, “More than a few rich women have become beggars after being healed one too many times and developing a taste for it. Once it has a hold of you, white magic is very difficult to shake free of. They often get their hands on rogue white mages, or even babblers, and use them to fuel their addiction. It is a mutually destructive spiral.”

“Can’t black mages detect lies?” I asked.

“Don’t lie then,” She said calmly, “They will probably not ask you directly if you are a white mage. Simply tell them that you were injured and healed multiple times during your captivity, it is not a common torture practice, but it has been done before. Mention that there was a white mage babbler who assaulted you. Let people draw their own conclusions. Black magic does not preclude technical truths.”

“I still don’t want to.” I said, “If you had felt the things that were done to me…”

Megaine, in an uncharacteristic move, touched my forearm, “You have a choice now Ethan. You are a slave to the magic that you once controlled. If you let it, it will eventually consume you. The Brotherhood of Truth specializes in treating white mages. They are often unsuccessful in completely curing addiction, but they can add anywhere from five to ten years to the lifespan of a white mage. More if the white mage is cooperative.”

She met my eyes, “I would think that you would have learned by now that you cannot do everything yourself. Let someone help you. Let us help you. Do you have any idea what it would do to Tylee if you ended up on the street hunting for your next essence hit? Or if you just broke down and started screaming nonsense?”

“You are a selfish person Ethan Dyre,” Megaine accused me, “My sister may think you are something special, all I see is an overconfident child who believes he has all of the answers.”

“I like to do things my way.” I growled at her, “I don’t like being beholden to others.”

“You are beholden to others,” She shot back, “If not for Tylee, you would probably be having a nice long chat with the Seekers right now. The last time you thought that you could handle something on your own, you ended up in a prison cell.”

“You see the bonds between people as a loss of your so-called freedom,” She said, “Bonds do bind, but when we are bound together, we are stronger. You can choose to bind yourself to someone, or a less benevolent force will swipe you up and bind you to itself. I think that somewhere in that head of yours you think you are better than we are because of that ‘freedom.’ The truth is, your freedom is a lie, it is just a cage of delusions which let others take advantage of you. You have not chosen a master, so anyone can become your master.”

“So you want me to give up? To stop fighting?” I yelled, Solus’ whispers growing ever stronger in my head.

“I want you to fight with all that you are.” Her quiet words carried more power than my shout, “I want you to fight for your life. I also want you to realize that you cannot struggle against the world alone. You need someone on your side, because alone, you will lose this fight.”

I lowered my head, then muttered softly, “And you Megaine, would you be on my side?”

“I am dying.” She said quietly, “Whose side I am on is irrelevant.”

“It’s funny,” I said, “Because when I was in that dungeon, I knew for a fact that I was trapped, and that I would more than likely die. Yet here I am, standing before you. I didn’t give up Megaine, neither should you. Part of the reason why I went tearing after the first lead that came along was because you have been so focused on making your preparations that you have forgotten that your body is not yet being burned.”

She glared at me, “This. Is. Not. About. Me.”

Each word was cut with a razorblade made of ice. I felt a chill deep in my bones as she spoke. More than that, I could hear the hint of despair in her own voice. Megaine did a very good job of hiding the fact that she was in pain every day. I knew because I had tested the potion that I had made for her. Having to take it daily was probably eating away at her self-control. Add to that the effect that the parasite was probably having, and she was likely being held together mainly by sheer willpower.

I realized with a jolt that I had not just been trying to find a cure, I had been keeping my distance from Megaine because I didn’t want to be hurt when she left. Megaine had given up on her own life, and I had too. I had bought into the lie she was telling herself and made my own decision to hold her at an arm’s length. Life is easier when you don’t spend time with the literal manifestations of your failures. Life is easier if you never have to watch someone leave you.

For the second time since she had become my patient, I had failed Megaine. I briefly wondered why it was my life was a series of failures piled upon one another.

Let go

‘Not this one, you bastard.’ I growled back internally.

Surprisingly, the voices grew quiet as I held out a hand to the elder Arefina, “My lady, I believe that it is. Come inside and I’ll make you something so that you can stop wishing for death with every breath you take.”

I could tell that I had hit a mark, because Megaine, rather than glaring, showed the briefest flash of surprise. The fact that she covered it up quickly did not make a difference.

“You cannot save me.” She said coldly.

“Not right now, no.” I admitted, my hand still held out, “But I can work up something that will help with the pain and nausea. It won’t go away completely, but I promise that it will be bearable. You’ll still have your mind to work with too, though there might be some muscular weakness and generalized fatigue.”

She raised her hand, hesitated, then took mine. I escorted her inside and left her in the capable hands of Raila, before making my way to my lab.

The Broken Lands are a host to many useful herbs, many of which we use in the process of alchemy. They also give birth to a variety of herbs which have many of the effects of their analogues in the Sunrise Lands. Some alchemists make an ‘endurance potion’ which is little more than the juice of aprache fruits, which I highly suspected were the magical equivalent of oranges. It certainly boosted immunity.

Bogfen root produces an analgesic which acts directly on the brain. It’s useful because it deadens pain without having effects on functioning. I quickly ground some down and combined it with several other herbs. It was more the work of an herbalist, rather than an alchemist, but sometimes simplicity works where all the complexities of magic fail.

I made enough to last for several weeks, then filled a flask with the stuff, sweetening it with a little honey. Unlike the stew in Tanna’s kitchen, I made sure to bend all of my intent towards the preparation. My power as a gray mage would do more than make it taste better.

As I worked, I found myself forcibly suppressing flares of white magic that I had casually ignited. It was difficult each time, and I was sure that I was going to be indulging in more than a little of the stuff later, but I managed to keep the hunger for it at bay while I was working. Strangely enough, the voice of Solus in my head was reduced to a murmur as I worked.

I made my way to Megaine’s room and tapped on her door.

“Enter.” She called.

I opened the door and stepped inside to see her seated on the floor, her legs tucked beneath her and her eyes closed. She had clearly been meditating, probably in an effort to resist the pain.

“Drink this.” I said, holding out the lukewarm mug of liquid.

She sniffed it cautiously, then downed the whole thing. She grimaced as she handed it back.

“Disgusting.” She noted dryly.

“Medicine isn’t supposed to taste good, otherwise we would want it all the time.” I stated blithely.

“I suppose that’s the problem with white magic.” She said, her eyes meeting mine.

“I’m not going to see a black mage.” I responded stubbornly, “Not yet.”

She gestured at the floor. I sank down opposite her.

“A properly trained white mage spends more than a year learning to meditate before they are allowed to touch white magic.” Megaine said, closing her eyes, “It is all they do for that time. It, along with the intervention of black magic, is why a white mage with an average case load can last for anywhere from ten to twenty years before they eventually succumb to their addiction. Either that, or they forswear magic completely. Although there are few who possess the ability to hold to such dedication.”

She held out her hands, “I need to feel the level of your control.”

I took her hands and she muttered the alignment spell aloud. I felt a strange sensation settle over me, which, instead of fading as it normally did for me, persisted.

“Focus on circulating your essence.” She ordered, “I want you to concentrate it in your chest.”

I closed my eyes and took control of my soul. With careful manipulation, I began to adjust the flow of essence, shunting it away from my extremities and into the core of my body. The leg which I had injured with my last awareness spell sent me a sharp needle of pain in protest.

“Good,” She said, “Now push it out to your extremities, as much as you can.”

I complied, leaving only the barest amount in my core.

“Is that it?” She asked.

“Any more and I’ll black out,” I said dryly, “Or suffer acute organ failure.”

“You could afford to push out just a little more,” She said, “but this is acceptable. Now, reverse the flow.”

“What?” I asked.

“Reverse the flow of your essence.” She said.

“I… I don’t know how.” I admitted.

“Attune yourself with me.” She said.

“I don’t know how to maintain the attunement spell that long.” I said.

“You really are a child in many ways,” Megaine muttered, “Why is it that you know so many things, yet so little about what is really important, especially for a holder of a great soul?”

I shifted uncomfortably, “I’m from a very small town, we don’t have many great or middling souls.”

Technically the truth. There were no people with ‘souls’ where I came from, as far as the Esturian definition of what a soul was.

“Besides,” I continued, “I have only had access to practical magic for the past month. I only know the attunement and awareness spells.”

She sighed, “Focus on holding the pattern of the spell in your mind. If you can do that, it will continue operating.”

I did as she said, only to fail several times before finally getting the trick down. I was certain that her own body’s pain and nausea were no small factor in my constant loss of concentration.

“Good,” She said, “Now feel the way that I am doing this.”

Essence flowed through her body. I watched with a great amount of curiosity. I had known that Megaine was a skilled hydromancer, but this was in another realm completely. One moment, her essence was flowing along the pattern of her vascular system, from arteries to veins, then suddenly, the flow reversed, now moving in the opposite direction. I dropped the attunement spell from awe at the grace of it.

“Amazing.” I muttered.

I had opened my eyes and saw a hint of a smile on her face, “Now you try.”

After half hour, Megaine called a stop to our meditation.

“You are progressing.” She said, rising to her feet, “The amount of essence that your soul holds makes control harder. Once you master this trick I suggest you seek out a gray mage to teach you a more advanced technique. I will see to finding one used by white mages.”

Gratitude surged through me at that, “Thank you, I owe you one.”

Megaine clenched and released a fist, watching the hand’s motions before replying, “On the contrary, it seems that once again I am in your debt Ethan Dyre. Though I do wish you had thought of this before now.”

I hung my head, “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

She shrugged, “What is done is done. Next time you give somebody a poison to fight a terminal illness, make sure that you give them what you have just given me.”

“I’ll leave dosing instructions with Raila.” I said.

Megaine shook her head, “No, I am still uncertain as to the loyalty of the staff aside from Vesk. Give me the directions and I will prepare it myself.”

As the voices in my head made themselves known, my mind no longer distracted by the meditation, I had a sudden thought.

“Megaine!” I burst out.

Megaine, who had been heading for the door, paused and turned to regard me with a raised eyebrow.

“Solus is a black mage and the one who had you poisoned,” I said, my mind racing along with those whispers, “What if… what if he has subverted someone in your household like he tried to do with me? If he spent enough time with someone, he could get them to forsake any oath, even without going through the proper rites of releasing someone from it. He might even be able to break one with magic alone. I don’t know for sure.”

Megaine froze, then her eyes went distant as she ran through the implications. When her gaze sharpened again, she regarded me with something akin to respect.

“I had not thought of that,” She admitted, “I will need to speak to a member of the Seekers immediately, they will be able to identify someone whose mind had been tampered with by black magic.”

“I’ll come with you!” I said.

She held out a hand, “To the lair of black mages? You have an appointment there tomorrow already. I suggest you spend this time fabricating a truth that you can use to convince them without having to reveal your identity as a white mage.”

I stopped, “Right.”

“Take heart Ethan,” She said, “As I told you, a technical truth is as good as the whole truth. Tell the truth, just not all of it.”

I nodded, though the thought of confronting another black mage right now made me want to be violently ill. I ignited a burst of white magic to calm my heaving stomach. Though I was sure that Megaine spotted the brief flash of white in my eyes, she said nothing. I was grateful.