We just stared for a while, a heap of bodies sprawled at our feet.

"So," said Jenn, loud enough to be heard over the baby, "how do we get out of here?"

I looked over to the portcullis. "That leader guy told them to close it, and it started to shut as I was running down the hall. There must be something back around the room with the altar - what are you doing?"

Topher was rummaging through the dead's pockets. He smiled. "Adventuring 101," he said as he produced a couple bits of copper.

Kevin took off. "Dibs on the leader!" he shouted, footsteps fading into echoes.

"Look for a way to open the gate!" Jenn called after him.

I cleaned my sword with one of the dead's robes and sheathed it. Holding the baby to Jenn, I asked, "Would you mind? He's driving me crazy."

Jenn jerked away, slightly but violently. "I, uh, no," she stammered. "I think he likes you. I'll go help Kevin." She turned and followed him down the hall.

I watched as she walked away. "That was weird, right?" I asked Topher.

Topher shrugged, then grinned. "You're a single guy with a baby. No girl her age wants any piece of that. Hey, a sliver coin!" He held up his find to the torchlight.

That reminded me of something. I patted around my belt. "Um, aren't we supposed to start with some gold? I don't think I have any on me."

Topher pondered that as well. He felt around his person. "I don't think I have any, either. Well," he said, touching coins in sequence with a finger, "we're nine, ten, eleven copper and one silver piece richer, now."

"Can I see a coin?" He flicked one to me. "Thanks."

It was made of copper, a bit misshapen, and about the size of a quarter. On one side was the word "Dungeonia" with swords above and below, on the other was the profile of a man, who, for lack of a better way of describing, looked incredibly average. Around the top of the coin was "Thirty-Eighth Sovereign".

"Looks like the writing is English, and not some strange fantasy language," I said. "That's good. I was worried."

"There were store fronts back in the town," said Topher. "They were written in English."

I hadn't even realized. I must have been too preoccupied with dwarves and halflings and tusked, green friends.

I bounced the baby a little. He seemed to be calming down. If "Common", the prominent language in most D&D worlds, was essentially the same as English, did other Earth languages translate to Elven, Dwarfish, Draconic and whatnot?

One way to find out. "Topher, can you say something in Orcish?" As a Half-Orc, he should know it.

"Umm…" he began. “No. I don't think so?" He scratched his head. "You chose Draconic as your bonus language, right? Can you speak it?"

I searched my mind - nothing. I tried remembering various words I'd picked up from other languages in hopes it might trigger something. Wirklich. Biblioteca. Pamplemousse. Aloha. Mizu. Qapla'. Nothing. "Huh. I guess that's another thing we were cheated out of."

Topher gave a 'what can you do?' shrug. "In other news," he said, "we've got a total of fifteen copper and one silver. If I remember right, ten copper is a silver, and ten silver is a gold piece. And I think your average laborer makes, like, two silver a day?"

"I'm pretty sure that was true for previous editions," I said, "but I don't remember if that's true for 5th. Also, it's possible this world is completely different. Maybe they use steel pieces, or seven copper to the electrum standard - we don't know."

Topher didn't sound convinced. "You're a DM. Would you really mess around with all the math it would take to change values and costs of every item in the game when the usual system works well enough?"

That was a fair point. I had tried in the past, and it never really worked out well. "I suppose. But we can't be sure this world was made by a DM. It might've just… sprung up, somehow. Existed for thousands of years, evolving on its own accord. And now…"

"…It sucks random people into it and turns them into the characters they make by D&D rules?" Topher finished. "Yeah, pretty sure that's not the case. Either way, we can find out about money when we get to town. The rest… best not to dwell on it. We'll keep adventuring. If we find more info, we'll come back to it. Sound good?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Want to see what Kevin and Jenn are up to?"

We headed to the back, the slow movement seeming to calm the baby. Jenn and Kevin were staring at something behind a pillar.

"Hey," said Kevin as we approached. “Want the good news or bad news?"

"Both," said Topher.

"Good news," Kevin hefted a cloth pouch. It wasn’t very big, but seemed to be pretty heavy for its size. "Is there's about a hundred gold coins in here."

Jenn continued. "Bad news is this is probably the gate mechanism."

We looked. There were two discs of metal, joined together with space between, all attached to a thick metal bar that disappeared into the wall. On the bar was a band of cogs. Some sort of long metal stirrup was bolted to the floor, attached to hinges.

"It's a crank for the winch," said Kevin. "Problem is, the handles you'd use to turn it were wood and have rotted away."

"Rotted? How long does it take for wood to rot?" I asked.

"Depends on moisture and temperature," said Topher, who then nudged me. "This explains why they left the gate open. It's probably a pain in the ass to crank it up again."

"Probably," I said. "But any guesses as to how they would crank it up again? I doubt the leader wanted to stay in here forever when he ordered it shut."

"Well, if we stuck some sort of stick or metal pipe or something into here," Kevin leaned over the mechanism and pointed to the space in between the metal discs, "where these are connected here and here, we should be able to jury rig it."

"Then they should have something for that," said Jenn, looking around. Her eyes settled on the baby, and her face lit up. "Oh, he's so cute!" she whispered. It was the first "girly-girl" thing she'd said since I'd met her. I wasn't sure how to react. "Is he asleep?"

I glanced down. "Yeah. Big guy had a big day. Kidnapped, almost sacrificed, then saved. You want to take him?"

She shook her head. "No, don't wake him."

I gave her a stink-eyed pout and turned my attention to Topher, who had stuck the haft of his glaive into the mechanism. "This should work," he said.

With only a fraction of concentrated effort, he began turning the winch. The sound of metal on stone groaned in conjunction with rattling chains. The baby squirmed a bit at the noise, but mercifully didn't wake up.

A shuddering clank and a bulge in Topher's muscles told us the gate was up. Kevin latched the stirrup around a cog on the bar. "We good to go?" he asked.

I looked back at the room. The benches were splintered and upheaved. The leader - Railford - was slumped over the altar, blood pooled all over the stone. We really made a mess of it. "Are you sure we searched the whole place? Got all that there was? What did the leader have?"

"Just this dagger," said Kevin, pulling the silver blade out of nowhere. "I don't think it's magical - I think you're supposed to be able to tell automatically if it is, in 5th ed. It's not pressing.

"The bag of gold was in a small chest hidden by a pillar over there," Kevin indicated across the room. "Other than really taking time to look for secret rooms or something, I think we're done."

"Do you think we should do anything with the bodies?" asked Jenn.

I frowned. “Let's get the baby back to Marisa, first.”

"I vote we just leave them," shrugged Topher. "After all, what better place for dead guys could there be other than a mausoleum?"

"I'm perfectly fine with never coming back here," I added.

We started to head out, but after a few steps we heard, "Umm…."

It was Jenn. We asked what was wrong.

"Sorry, but now I'm getting that, if we just leave them here, there's a chance these bodies will come back as zombies. Does that sound right?"

"I guess it's possible," Kevin shrugged. "Was that your religion skill kicking in? Did it just barge into your mind?"

She nodded. "Yeah. What do you think?"

"We could separate all the heads from the bodies," offered Topher.

Jenn grimaced. She didn't like that plan. "How long would it take for them to get all undead on us?" I asked.

She looked at me and blinked twice. "A couple weeks."

"We can come back and bury them," I said. "We'll need to go back to town to get shovels or something, anyway. Or maybe even tell the local ministry and have them take care of it."

She gave the heap of dead a pensive look as we passed. "Fine," she said.

We ascended into pine-thread daylight. For the first time since entering the mausoleum, I breathed deeply. Regretfully, this caused my stomach to start convulsing. The baby made a fresh mess and it smelled awful.

Jenn saw me suppressing a violent urge to double over. "Jack? What's wr—whoa." She stepped back quickly, hand over nose. "Wow. That's… ew."

Topher looked at us, then caught whiff. "Holy- yeah, are we sure the bad guys didn't curse him or something? That can't be mundane."

"It is pungent." said Kevin, face crinkled. "I think we should double-time it back to Marisa."

"It's not healthy to just leave it," protested Jenn. "We should at least clean him."

"Preferably with holy water," choked Topher.

"It won't take that long to get him back," I said, nasally because my free hand held my nose shut. "Can't it wait?" The smell found its way into my mouth. "Ugh! No, it can't. Never mind."

Kevin went back into the mausoleum and returned with some black cloth. "A gift from the cultists," he said.

We set the baby down and wiped all we could, then wrapped him up in torn robes (of which Kevin was kind enough to find some not soaked in blood). This woke him up, however, and he complained heartily at the disturbance.

The familiar sound caused my temples to ache. "It's someone else's turn to take him."

"Fine, fine," said Kevin. He picked him up and, almost immediately, the baby stopped crying.

I gave a jealous glare. "Must be an elf thing," I said, dejectedly.

Kevin smiled. "He's probably just too tired to—“ His smile vanished and he perked his head up. "Did you guys hear that?"

We froze. Seconds ticked by. Cautiously, we started looking around. "What was it?" I asked, peaking down the mausoleum steps, dreading to see a shambling corpse marching up them.

"It was I."

My blood chilled. The voice was high-pitched, strained, almost impish. We turned toward the direction it came from, but saw nothing.

"And who are you?" asked Topher, glaive drawn and at the front. I took a queue from him and put a hand on my longsword. I quickly realized we were all staring in one direction, and started looking elsewhere for signs of an ambush.

"Someone… who can make your lives… easier." The voice came from the same direction, but I kept lookout.

"Oh?" said Jenn, face tense. "If you only have good intentions, why are you hiding yourself?"

A machine-gun burst of vocalization came from it - must've been its idea of a chuckle. It made my skin crawl. "Can't be too careful," it said.

"Neither can we," said Kevin, holding the baby tight. "Show yourself."

"In time," it said. "For now, you just need to know that I am a being of unique… powers."

It keeps pausing when it talks cryptically about itself, stringing us along and gauging our reactions. It's messing with us. It's enjoying itself.

The realization helped me calm down - it has a motive. It's not so arcane that I couldn't hope to comprehend it. There might be magic involved, but this is coming from something based in reality (even if my understanding of reality had jackknifed since last night). I looked at the others - they were tense, panic setting in slightly. I had to humanize it. I had to humanize him.

"Unique powers?" I said. "Did you hear that, guys? Who knew hiding behind a tree was 'unique' in these parts." Topher and Kevin relaxed a twitch at that. Jenn shot me a sideways, contemplative glance. "But, as you seem to just be wasting our time, we'll be on our way."

The voice chuckled again. "Oh, but I always open with a soft sell," he said.

That set off an alarm. He didn't say that for our benefit. He had friends with him.

"Soft sell, huh?" I said. "Then hurry up with your proposal. I think you're friends are getting bored." I took a chance when suggesting he had more than one.

He didn't say anything - I must have pegged him.

"Hey," whispered Kevin. "There are a couple others over there. They're talking about something." He was looking left of where the voice was coming from.

I listened. There was some talking, but I didn't understand the language. "Does anyone know what they're speaking?"

"I… kind of understand a couple words," said Kevin. "Which is weird, because it's not like any language I'm familiar with."

Topher backed up a bit and turned towards us. "You’re supposed to know Elvish, right? Do think it has something to do with that?"

Kevin thought for a second. "Yes! That must be it - but it's not Elvish, it's similar to Elvish. Like… Sylvan! They must be fey."

"Gotcha," I whispered. "I'll handle this." I reached a hand into my bag of magic stuff while my unseen limb reached into my soul. I pulled out a small glass vial with one and a specific emotion with the other.

Want.

I held the emotion in place - it didn't thrash like rage did, but seemed to shift oddly, unexpectedly. I had to calm it, and I instinctually knew how. In as hushed tones as I could, I said, "'Til all is known."

The want became still, perhaps focused. I "moved" it towards my head, and held it there. I took the vial, passed it over my eyes and up to my ear, and gave it a good shake. Tumbling granules of the salt and soot inside it resonated with the want, gilding my mind with magic.

"-hana lan qui and proceed on with the business." I understood them. I knew they weren't speaking English, but I could comprehend, regardless. My magic limb ached, which was a quite a weird feeling.

"Yes, yes, but you never allow me purchase of my fun."

"How much desperation have they?"

"I don't know. Not very, probably."

Damn straight we're not desperate.

The voice - the first voice - started speaking English again. "I'll get straight to the point."

A slim figure appeared out of nowhere, hovering in midair. He was maybe a foot tall, with rapidly flitting gossamer wings that made no sound. His features were harshly elegant, with eyes of solid amber. His clothes were made of pine needles, which I would've taken the time to ponder how itchy that had to be if I wasn't staring at a God damn pixie.

He gave a satisfied smile, and I realized my friends were probably just as flabbergasted as I was. I quickly composed myself.

"Gloating bends the branch!" scolded the pixie's still unseen friend, in what must have been Sylvan.

"We're here," he slowly scanned each of us, "to make you an offer in exchange for the baby."

I must've misheard him. I stared blankly. He still had a self-satisfied smirk across his lips. It couldn't be true - pixies weren't evil in the Monster Manual, were they? No, but they are pranksters. This didn't feel like a prank, though. Something about how he said he didn't get to have any fun. No, this is business.

Topher broke the silence. "Ha! Why didn't you make this offer ten minutes ago before he had to be changed?"

The pixie perked up. "Then you'll sell?"

"Oh, Hell no," replied Topher, grinning.

Unfazed, the pixie continued. "But there's so much I could offer you. Am I right in assuming you're all adventurers?" He waited for us to respond, but all he got was icy silence. "Your road ahead will most likely be fraught with dangers - monsters, madmen, traps and tricks. I could offer you tremendous boons in return for it. Boons that will invariably help you survive… even thrive."

'It'. He called the baby 'it'. He's trying to dehumanize him, make us less attached. Jackass. Then again, in some languages, like German, children are referred to with genderless pronouns.

Worth testing, at least. "Sorry," I said, though I didn't feel very apologetic, "but he's not ours to give."

"Isn't it?" The pixie's grin grew wider on the second word, and continued to each time it was repeated. "That mother can't protect it - she can barely feed it. She lost it because she's weak and unfit to care for it. The strong took it, and by rights they should be able to - the weak feed the strong. You, stronger still, took it from those who were weaker than you, in addition to their possessions." He nodded at Kevin, who was holding the silver dagger the leader had. "You have it, and can do with it what you please. I'm not going to harm the child. In fact, it'll most likely survive longer if it's away from that destitute caregiver. You'll be saving it. In addition, you'll get an assortment of blessings from us, the fey. You are all smart enough to understand that opportunities where the moral choice coincides with the smart choice are few and far between, and must be seized when presented."

Didn't I just give a similar spiel to the cultists? "Wow," I said. "You really suck at giving speeches."

The pixie's eyes narrowed at me.

"You heard me," I continued. "First, you try to make it seem like it's just a transaction, not even deigning to refer to the child as anything other that 'it', even after I corrected you. Then you say we'll be saving him by selling him to you, implying that you'll take care of him? You don't give a damn about his well being! Cut the shit - we don't care what you offer. I would just ask you to leave, but now I'm worried you'll try to take him from his mother after we drop him off! What guarantee do I have that you won't? You're three seconds away from getting eviscerated by my large, green friend here. Give him a reason to not bifurcate your head."

"I can give you a reason," said Jenn. I looked at her, a bit incredulous. Her eyes, steadfast with conviction, met mine. My base urges all agreed it was a good look for her. "Think about it. We save the baby and this… thing just happens to approach us as we're leaving with him? And he knows Marisa's having a hard time? Bullshit. He's been waiting for this." She turned back to the pixie. "I'm guessing he can't get the baby from his mother. I don't know how, but it doesn't matter. Either he's working with that cult we just obliterated, or he manipulated them into the kidnapping so he'd have an easier time taking him."

All trace of smugness disappeared from the pixie's face. I decided to twist the knife. "Sorry, Topher. Guess it's not worth killing."

"Beg to differ," said Topher. "Nothing stopping it from trying something similar again."

I heard the pixie's friend speak in Sylvan. "You've failed. I'm taking the shot."

"They're attacking!" I screamed as quickly as I could.

It worked. Topher narrowly ducked under a speeding arrow.

And the arrow continued right into my face.

The good thing was it didn't have a sharpened tip. The bad thing was it did have a tiny pouch on the end, which burst on contact. I coughed and sneezed as dust clouded over my face, nearly making me double over. I quickly dispersed the stuff, and regained my bearings.

Damn that Topher. He should've known I was right in that arrow's path. I watched him run up to the first pixie and swipe it in half. Topher's always giving me a hard time. Insinuating that bards aren't useful. Laughing at me. Undermining me. I hate him. I've always hated him. He's a God damn bastard, and I'll never be able to get on with my life if he continues his smug, snide comments with his stupid, better-in-shape idiot self.

"Topher!" I roared. He was looking for the pixie's friend but turned to me with that mocking, quizzical, fart face of his. I drew my sword and charged, Topher seemingly highlighted in red. "You think you're better than me?!"

I overhanded the sword at him, but he caught my arm with a meaty green hand. He cocked his head to the side, obviously feigning concern. Then he gave me his patronizing, condescending, ugly smile. God, he's so easy to hate. I should take those tusks and stab him in the eyes with them. I reached for my dagger and—

There was a loud crack sound, and my head reeled. My vision went from white to black to starry in half a second, and my face started to hurt. He hit me. I glared at Topher. He was still smiling, nonchalantly enjoying this. How dare he hit me. "Who do you think you are?" I growled. "You stupid, smug, shitty piece of-"

There was another loud cracking sound, and everything went black.