I queued up all the stew I could make, though I had no idea where it would all go, but Ezzie stopped me before I could confirm the decision.

she said.

I said. I waddled over to the dummy—it felt like I was waddling—whacked it twice, and promptly vomited. Apparently fish stew and sparring were a bad mix.

“You are a disgusting human being,” the Dummy said.

I wiped my mouth with the side of my hand. “Careful, Dummy, or you’re gonna wind up taking splash damage.”

“The effort’s cute, but you’re still aren’t funny,” the Dummy said.

“Don’t push your luck,” I said.

“Oh, I’m shaking in my boots,” the Dummy said.

“You don’t have feet,” I said.

“Won’t stop me from kicking your shitty face in, though. Buy me a counterattack module, dick. See what happens.>

I cocked my head at the Dummy.

Ezzie said.

I grimaced down at the soup I’d splattered across the ground.

Ezzie said.

I lied.

I shrugged and went back to work on my swordsmanship, the nausea passing quickly as the dummy continued to mock my attacks. I said.

Ezzie said.

“Eighteen,” the Dummy said. “You are a piece of shit! Seventeen. You are a piece of shit!”

Ezzie said.

I said.

“Voice module received,” the Dummy said, in a deep, raspy voice. “Thank you for your purchase.”

Ezzie said.

I slashed at the dummy.

“Sixteen. Motherfucker, you are shit!” the Dummy said.

I nodded.

By now my shoulder was on fire, and my skin was slick with sweat. I tossed my shield aside and switched my blade to my left hand because why not. Also, I could barely hold the thing with my right.

Ezzie said. Looks like the two best choices for now are either the counterattack module that the Dummy was talking about, or the dodge module. Counter would help with your constitution, which might be more useful since you’ve got the fish for dexterity.>

Ezzie said.

Ezzie said.

I shrugged. Investing in my development seemed like a no brainer to me...but the Dummy. Screw it, I could take the abuse if it meant a better chance of survival.

The Dummy’s eyes flashed red, and its stitched smile turned into a frown. “Come get some.”

Those words did not seem a promising sign.

I slashed out with my left hand, and though the attack was awkward, it still struck the dummy’s elbow. Then I was on the grass, and there was blood in my mouth.

I hadn’t even seen the damn thing move.

“Rise and shine, chucklefuck!” the Dummy said. “Daddy scarecrow’s got a lot more where that came from.”

Ezzie said.

I climbed back to my feet and dusted myself off. I picked my shield back up and switched my sword back to my right hand. I went to swing, but hesitated.

Ezzie said.

I said.

bloody hell—> Ezzie said.

She’d cut off because I’d kicked the dummy while she was speaking, and the thing had clocked me with a haymaker that dropped me right back into the grass.

I spat out a bit of blood and rose once again.

Ezzie said.

Wap. I went down a third time.

Your Constitution has increased by 1!

This point will be awarded when you reach level 7.

3/3 bonus points accrued.

Additional point gains are now disabled until points are claimed.

Ezzie said, half-laughing, half-moaning.

I shrugged.

I said.

Ezzie said.

I said.

“Like a boss,” the Dummy said.

Ezzie said.

I said.

“You guys do realize I can hear you talking, right?” the Dummy said. “You’re both weird, and not in a good way.”

I said.

Ezzie said.

“Am not,” the Dummy said.

Ezzie said.

I sighed.

“Ohhh, the silent treatment, huh?” the Dummy said. “Very classy.”

Ezzie said.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself for the blow to come. I raised the shield up high and struck lightly. But the dummy’s right hand didn’t move and then I was on my back again, listening to Ezzie laugh through the link.

Ezzie said.