HIM – TO GET IT

Tyson sat patiently in the corner of a coffee shop, drinking in silence as he fiddled with his phone, checking messages. From time to time, he’d look out the window and sighed. Just a few minutes ago, he got a message from Aya, saying to meet her here because it was an emergency. Is she late? Wait, no, we didn’t have sex yet. Did she get killed? Right, okay, let’s just not think for a while…

The doors suddenly opened as a woman walked through and, immediately upon spotting him, waved at him and smiled. … did she get a surgery?! She quickly walked and sat across from him, ordering a coffee for herself in the process.

“… Aya?” Tyson mumbled confusingly.

“S.”

“… uh… sooo…”

“Saya, not Aya.”

“So you got your name changed? And your face?” Tyson said. “Good… uh, good. That’s great. It’s great to be who you want to be.”

“No, I’m Saya. Aya’s friend.”

“Oh thank god. I was just thinking about how to break up with you.”

“So you’d break up with her if she suddenly changed her face and her name?” Saya asked.

“That’s just begging the question: who did you kill and where are you running away!”

“Yup, I can see that. Anyway, there’s no reason for a break-up. I’m not her.”

“… so, I’m assuming it wasn’t Aya who texted me?” Tyson asked.

“Yup, and we’ve got exactly twenty minutes before she figures out that Bale isn’t signing autographs in a mall.”

“And once she does we’re both dead?”

“Wow, we’re really on the same page!” Saya exclaimed. “Break up with her and date me instead!”

“No.” Tyson said immediately.

“Good! You passed the first test!” Saya said. “Just for the reference, uh, why not?”

“You’re insane.”

“… well, I mean, my shrink did say that I’ve got a loose screw or two-- that’s not the point. The point is that I’m here to test you.”

“Yup, figured that one out.” Why am I not surprised that she’s friends with Aya?

“So, what are your plans with Aya? Date her then dump her? Propose but then abandon her at the altar? Marry her, live with her, but divorce her when you two have kids? Or just cheat on her until she dies of heartbreak? Go on, spill it out little man!!”

“… little man?”

“I was going for ‘intimidating’. How was it?” Saya asked as the waitress brought the coffee for her.

“Uh, well, I heard Hollywood is hiring new actors.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet.”

“You stand no chance.”

“Oh. Ouch. Anyway, answer the question.”

“We’re out of time.”

“Huh?” Saya asked as she turned around and saw Aya standing behind her. “Oh, Aya. What’s up girl? How you doin’, huh? All cool?” A screw loose or two? Try a capsized boat.

“What are you doing here?” Aya asked angrily.

“Well, technically I’m drinking coffee.”

“And untechnically?”

“That’s not a word.” Saya said.

“It’s not?” Aya creased her brows further as she asked.

“Totes is. Untechnically is totally a word, right Jake?”

“It’s Tyson.” Tyson said.

“Nobody cares.”

“Okay.”

“Ty, mind waiting outside? I’ll just need a moment to strangle her.” Aya said, smiling.

“No, no need.” Tyson said, smiling back. “This is fun.”

“So you want to get strangled too?”

“Hey, if you’re into BDSM, I’m into BDSM. We’re birds of a feather. By the way, that always confused me. Shouldn’t it be feathers of a bird? Makes more sense, right?”

“Look, Aya,” Saya said, ignoring Tyson as she grabbed Aya’s hands and smiled. “When you told me you finally started dating someone… it… it felt like I was suddenly reliving my prom!”

“You got so high on cocaine you nearly died that night.” Aya said.

“Exactly!” Saya exclaimed. “And I just had to see who’s your cocaine!”

“How about you guys stop saying cocaine?!” Tyson said, smiling nervously. “There’s cop sitting literally here.” he pointed at the table next to theirs where a man smiled at the three.

“Uh, cocaine is… uh, youth’s euphemism for orange soda, right Aya?” Saya said.

“Let’s just all sit down,” Tyson said. “And talk, okay?”

“Good idea,” Aya said, finally sitting down. “You said you wanted to test him.”

“Well, that too, but he’s totally immune to my charms. You’re safe girl!” Saya exclaimed.

“… this is Saya, Ty,” Aya said. “We became friends because our names were similar. We stayed friends because she threatened to kill herself if we didn’t.”

“Wow, you don’t have to be so harsh to her.” Tyson said.

“No, it’s true,” Saya said. “I literally put a knife to my throat when she told me she doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore.”

“… ooookay… so, uh, Saya, I’d ask you how’d you two meet, but I’m scared.”

“Good call,” Saya said. “So, how’d you two guys meet? Tell me everything about it!”

“I called him an idiot,” Aya said before Tyson had a chance. “He got a boner because he’s a huge M and was in love with me ever since so I took pity on him and started dating him.”

“…” Saya looked over at Tyson pitifully.

“… I’ll just… roll with it. Too tired to get tangled into whatever you guys are.” Tyson said. I need to invite this girl with us more often. Aya’s totally losing her shit… it’s so cute, ha ha ha…

“You think this is hilarious, right?” Aya asked Tyson, startling him.

“N-no?” Right, I forgot she’s as sharp as butcher’s knife.

“Well, it is,” Aya said, sighing. “She’s just like a bomb, you know? Always ready to explode, except you don’t even have to put in the code to detonate her.”

“Okay, we should seriously stop talking about things that could get easily misinterpreted when there’s a cop sitting literally half a meter next to us.”

“It’s cool guys!” the cop said, smiling; he was a man in his mid-fifties with exhausted look on his face. “I totes get young peeps lingo, aimrite?”

“… aimrite?” Tyson muttered.

“Am I right? Get it? Aimrite?” the cop said.

“Yeah, g-good job. Totes get it.”

“Knew it!”

“Anyway, now you’ve met him,” Aya said to Saya. “Now squirm.”

“Squirt? You know I can’t do that at the go. At least let me borrow your boy’s finger first.”

“… go. Away. Now.” Aya said slowly.

“Oh, she’s enunciating. I better go. Nice meeting you Judas.”

“… welp, at least the name makes it sound like I’m part of something bigger than me.” Tyson commented as Saya got up and left.

“… sorry about that.” Aya sighed as her head plummeted onto the table. “She’s just… so… intense…”

“Ah, trust me, I know intense, and she’s at best a tad bit insane,” Tyson said, smiling. “Besides, I think I got a shot with her if you ever decide to break up with me.”

“Well,” Aya said, lifting her head up and smirking. Oh boy, here it is. Keep it down. Keep it down. “I was hoping you’d suggest a threesome, but, oh well, if you’re that not into it, I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.” Devil! Totes devil! WHY AM I SAYING TOTES ALL OF A SUDDEN?!

“Right, you keep on playing with young man’s heart, see how long it lasts.” Tyson said.

“Aww, don’t be grumpy. I’ll dress up like a school girl and pretend I’m sixteen to cheer you up.”

“Seriously! Cop! Inappropriate topics! Get a fucking clue already!” Tyson exclaimed.

“He left. Chased after Saya.” Aya said.

“… oh well.” Tyson mumbled. “So, there’s no emergency?”

“Oh, no, there is. I actually already wrote the text, she just sent it to you.” Aya said.

“O-okay, what’s the emergency? I’m getting worried now!”

“… I’m afraid… I’m… late.” Why am I attracted to this woman?! Oh well…

“Damn, condom must have broke.” Tyson said, playing along. “And I even told the thug to get a new pack.”

“… you’d give me to a random thug? You disappoint me, Tyson…”

“Random thug? Peach isn’t a random thug! She’s had a terrible childhood of being mislabeled as a girl when she clearly had a penis, the bullying got so bad at one point she grew second mouth on her back just so she can scream louder! Have some respect, you monster!”

“Wow, that’s a… truly, remarkably terrible backstory,” Aya said, sighing. “Almost at the level of Venom from Speedo 3.”

“Jealousy is powerful motivator! Take that back!”

“Right, I forgot you had years of experience with that emotion,” Aya said. “Anyway, less about your weird, weird thoughts, and more about my emergency.”

“Am I your boyfriend? Or your doormat?”

“Will you come to a funeral with me?” Aww, she’s asking me ou—WAIT WHAT?!

“WAIT, WHAT?!”

“Ugh, don’t be such a drama queen,” Aya shrugged. “It’s for a girl that used to be in class with me in high-school, Diana Trolp.”

“I—I’m so sorry Aya, it must be really hard on you. If there’s anything I can do--”

“Hard on me? That bitch made my life miserable.” How can she say something so toxic while wearing literally no expression?! “One time she threw a rotten egg into my hair. Girls called me Hooster Aya for a year!”

“… uh, hooster?”

“My hair looked like an owl, and Hoohen sounded worse than Hooster.”

“… what kind of a fucking school did you go to?!”

“Anyway, will you be my plus one on the best day of my life?” she asked with a beaming smile.

“… uh, shouldn’t you reserve the ‘best day of your life’ for stuff like, I don’t know, your wedding, birth of your child, Half-Life 3 release date?!”

“Half-Life 3 release date? Please, there’s a higher chance of people loving Cosby again than that happening.”

“Wow, going to dark places there.” Tyson said, shuddering for a moment. “I didn’t take you for someone who’d hold such a bad grudge. Besides, I mean… it’s… it’s not been that long since, you know, your dad died. Are you sure you’re gonna be---” Oh crap.

“… why’d you suddenly go silent?” Aya asked.

“How about we do this instead: I’ll invite my sister over to my place this weekend, and you two can finally meet, huh? What do you say?”

“And skip the funeral?!” Aya exclaimed. “Yeah, yep, that sounds cool.”

“You really shouldn’t bank in on me actually getting it.” Tyson said.

“I knew you would.” Aya said, smiling. “Well, this is awkward. I’m gonna go now.”

“Just sit down,” Tyson pulled her down. “Sis is expecting a kid, so read something on babies or labor. I tried looking at the picture once, couldn’t watch porn for a month.”

“… I really, really didn’t need to know that.” Aya said. “Wait, is that your subliminal way of--”

“If I ever wanted you to have my kid, I’d actually freaking ask!!” Tyson exclaimed, interrupting.

“Aww, you may want to have my kid~~ wait, why am I am ‘aww-ing’ that, that’s disgusting!”

“Well, sorry that the image of my dick inside of you is disgusting!” Tyson exclaimed.

“I meant your kid in me! I already imagined your dick inside of me many times, thank you! That’s not something I should be proudly exclaiming!”

“It’s not, but I’m strangely happy you did!”

“Well, I’m glad! Now let’s stop exclaiming embarrassing things and drink the rest of the coffee in silence!” Aya exclaimed.

“Deal!”

“Deal!”

“… we still on for this weekend though, right?” Tyson asked.

“Yeah, of course.” Aya said, smiling. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Great.”

“Great.”

“Now back to silence.” Tyson said.

“Yup.”

“… did you seriously imagine us screwing?”

“TY!!”

“Silence, right.” Tyson said. “Well, so did I and I bet mine was more fun because there where three of you and I lasted three days and nights in a row!” he exclaimed as he got up in a hurry, leaving behind a bill and racing out the door. WHAT AM I DOING?!!