MC rests under the strange aquatic tree in the middle of the curative lake.

Magnus takes in Dervegen City under the hot suns.

The Dorbo-Syken submits to Magnus in the cracked desert.

I made this map with Inkarnate, which I later learned owns the copyright to any maps made on their site. I plan to remake this with Wonderdraft. Map is not to scale.

WIP World Map of Kelruhn. I'll add new locations and names as I have time. Link: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/576462252501237802/806720071870185482/Final_1.png

Ansala and Ensar, by Nameless32 (https://www.royalroad.com/profile/160106)

Panther beast by Ashish Choudhary (https://www.royalroad.com/profile/146311)

Spidorilla by Ashish Choudhary (https://www.royalroad.com/profile/146311)

Just what is that scary thing!?

Original art I'd put together. Turns out its simplicity didn't win the story any awards!

This is the cover art that got us through Trending, assembled and edited by RoyalRoader MikeWe from existing artwork. Once he gave the result to me, I went in and edited it some more to get it to better fit the story. Still, his armor especially is not accurate here

And finally, we have our current cover, original art done by the talented artist/digital painter John Molinero, then color balanced and edited by myself, and finally typeset and polish-passed by MikeWe.

Magnus Cromwell: The MC. Goes by MC. Known to some as Opie Emsy.

A battle-hardened ex-military veteran mercenary of the late 22nd century. Magnus lost his entire family at a young age, apart from his youngest sister Nina whom he cherishes more than his own self. The years of war and killing didn't do anything to help him heal those early wounds, turning him into a ruthless, highly-competent killing machine. This has unfortunately had a destructive impact on his psyche, warping him into a broken individual devoid of most human emotions, garnering him the call-sign Machine. The sole exception is his deep and pure love for Nina, who he greatly admires out of filial love, and also respects for her efforts to change the world without resorting to the use of violence. The fact that he himself is unable to walk that path shames him deeply.

When not on a contract mission - a rarity - he lives a hermit's life at his converted military bunker, listening to classic electronic music, reading literature, and restoring ancient weapons and vehicles in his free time.

MC's credo can be found here: https://schlockmercenary.fandom.com/wiki/The_Seventy_Maxims_of_Maximally_Effective_Mercenaries

Nina Cromwell: Magnus' youngest sister. She lost her family at an age when she was barely able to comprehend such concepts as war and terrorism, but that is perhaps why she was less affected by their passing than Magnus was at the time. Where Magnus decided to improve the world by killing off its most vile scum, Nina took the opposite approach of attempting to better it via established mechanisms - namely diplomacy. It is her hope that through masterful diplomacy, she can facilitate the avoidance of war and other tragedies before they happen. She has only begun walking down this path however, and feels insecure about how much she has accomplished, especially in relation to her brother.

Nina adores and idolizes Magnus, who took care of her during her childhood, joining the military to pay for her schooling and sacrificing a portion of his humanity in the process. To her he can do no wrong, something Magnus is acutely aware of, a point that causes him no end of worry.

The Black Fangs: Jarsh: Known as 'The Tactician' and the brains behind the Black Fangs' recent rise to power, Jarsh possesses an intellectual mind, and experience born from dozens of battles. He keeps a calm, collected demeanor and is an expert at handling the Fangs' overbearing leader. Unfortunately his expertise was not enough to prevent his demise at the hands of Magnus at Hobogon village.

The Black Fangs: Yystren: Hero-Leader of the notorious Zevan bandit group that has terrorized southern Sorath recently. Their rise to fame can largely be attributed to this single Zevan, working in conjunction with his Tactician. A giant bear of a Zevan that wields a two-handed greatsword with one hand, he has been known for cleaving an entire Zevan in two with a single strike. These stories are likely exaggerations, but his berserker-like combat potential cannot be underestimated. He met his doom at the hands of Magnus at the battle of Hobogon Village. As is common with Sorathean naming convention, commoners such as Yystren are known only by a single, given name.

Dervegen City: Baron Zeikon Enol: The resident lord of Dervegen City. He has an ongoing feud with Empress Xikanika, who stripped him of most of his territory in her rise to power. Zeikon barely made it out of her purge of corrupt nobility alive, and he harbors great resentment against her. Not content to curse his fate, he is concocting a grand plan with some questionable allies to overthrow her rule. A strong, yet morally questionable ruler, his philosophies fly directly in the face of the Empress, who values such concepts as honor and justice. To Zeikon, the end does justify the means.

Hobogon Village: Ansala: Ensar's little sister, it is thanks to his efforts that she is able to escape the Fangs and return to her hideout inside her house. A spirited girl, she accompanies Magnus after he eradicates the Fangs. They travel together to Dervegen, eventually parting ways. We likely haven't seen the last of her, though!

Hobogon Village: Ensar: A young Zevan boy who lost his parents to the Black Fangs. With dreams of becoming a Hero, he attempts to escape Hobogon Village with his little sister Ansala. Unfortunately, the two are captured by the Fangs, and Ensar gave his life to protect little Ansie. He died unable to ascertain her safety.

Sorath Empire: Empress Xikanika Valtis Nomenstroya: The presiding monarch of Sorath. Her rise to power was brutal and swift, building up a powerbase in secret, only to slay large swaths of the existing corrupt nobility. By replacing them with nobles who supported her cause, she slew the Emperor and took the throne for herself in a surprisingly bloodless coup – excepting the key nobles she ordered killed. It remains to be seen whether or not she will be a better monarch. While she holds ideals such as justice, honor, and egality close to her heart, her questionable decision of moving the Capital to a frozen, inhospitable wasteland has left many wondering about her sanity.

Sorath Empire: Knight-Captain Thargold Brunshir: Leader of the Fifth Royal Knight Cavalry's Third Platoon, consisting of fifty elite soldiers that report directly to Empress Xikanika herself. A grizzled veteran of many decades, Empress Xikanika finds a confidante in Brunshir, a loyal subject who she can bounce ideas off of and expect a straightforward, honest response. Brunshir is always thinking of the best interests of the empire. It is tragic then, that he was slain by Magnus in a misunderstanding of the slave trader Vistuth Garbiden's making.

The Dyn: DM-320423-β::Legatus: The appointed Legatus of planet IV-3259, the Legatus is a devout follower of the Dyn code. His every action is focused around furthering the Dyn's agenda, and he shows no mercy to those he considers an enemy. He firmly believes that both the Humans and the Zevan are inferior lifeforms. Cattle, to be harvested.

The Dyn: XZ-768421-α (Nova): The Lead Artificer on planet IV-3259/Kelruhn for centuries, she rebelled against the Dyn Code by attempting to turn Magnus' parasite into a symbiotic lifeform during his surgery. She was caught, and her changes were reversed. She is the foremost expert on Qephyx parasite technology on Kelruhn. After her treason, she was imprisoned by the Legatus, and was slated to be sold as a slave to the Zevan. To this end, wings were surgically grafted onto her. Magnus saves her at the end of Book One, turning them both into wanted fugitives.

Sorath Resistance: Sareen: A Zevan-type Dyn masquerading as a Dyn Praetorian in Ubiquity Prime's underground mutagenic facility, Sareen plays a dangerous role as an undercover operative in one of the most secret bases on the entire planet. She is both an honorable and highly capable asset to the Resistance.

Zefadur Resistance: Krar'eaks: A Qephyx military commander, Krar'eaks has over a century of combat experience under his belt, yet he defers to his leader, Vorien, whom he both respects and looks up to. He has a high degree of honor for a Qephyx, but like most of his people, he does not consider less intelligent and less advanced lifeforms to be equals.

Zefadur Resistance: Vorien: The charismatic Zevan-type Resistance leader of the Zefadur cell. After their base was destroyed, he heroically led the survivors away to safety. He commands the respect of everyone in the cell, and he is hailed by the Resistance as one of the great leaders of modern times. His many awards and medals attest to his success. He is married to Ayala, whom he loves dearly.

Zefadur Resistance: Ayala: The second-in-command of the Zefadur Resistance cell, Ayala is a logistics expert. Having lived less than two centuries(young by Dyn standards), she has proven herself immensely capable, helping her husband Vorien keep the Zefadur cell alive through thick and thin.

The Dyn: Ubiquity Prime: One of the nine Primes - the overlords of the Dyn spacefaring civilization. Ubiquity's demesne covers both Kelruhn and Earth. Ubiquity is known to be reclusive, belligerent, and unpredicable. He has been a thorn in the side of the other Primes, always butting heads with them. He prefers violence to discussion, and action to inaction.

The Dyn: Vowron Prime: One of the nine Primes, Vowron is a member of the founding forum. Ridiculed for taking his fleet to conquer the Andromeda Galaxy, he is often considered an old fool.

The Dyn: Jeyes Prime: One of the nine Primes, Jeyes' territory neighbors Ubiquity's, and they have often found themselves at the brink of war. While open battle has never ensued, tensions are rising, and Jeyes is most impacted by these recent developments.

The United Federation of Nations: World War Four had left humanity reeling after brutal nuclear war that leveled cities such as New York, London, Beijing, and San Francisco. In the aftermath of this devastation, the geopolitical landscape favored unification to heal old wounds, and the result was the UFN. Spearheaded by the old United States, it includes the nations of Canada, the UK, and most of western Europe, as well as other similarly-minded countries around the world such as Australia, India, Greater Korea, and Japan. It is currently the world's only hyperpower.

Sorath Empire: Kyron: The Sorath Empire's newly founded Capital City. Located at the northern tip of the Empire in the frozen arctic, it buts up against the massive Ells mountain range. Famed for its Frozen Keep magically constructed out of ice, it is a nigh-impenetrable fortress on account of its location. Unfortunately, that location also makes it a terrible Capital City, as trading caravans often do not make the harsh journey, something that has recently stifled the economy.

Sorath Empire: Dervegen City: A midsized medieval city with a population of around 20,000 Zevan, it is located in the far south of the Sorath Empire, along the northern edge of the Wet Desert, and east of the Forest of Death. Ruled by the brutal-yet-effective Baron Zeikon, it has a thriving economy supported by commerce and Contractor assignments, which are bountiful given its proximity to the Forest.

Sorath Empire: Hobogon Village: A backwater village located in the Forest of Death, its people trying to eek by in the hostile terrain. Originally colonized thanks to incentives brought by the previous Emperor as a way to stage Contractors on assignment, it has since fallen into disrepair and was ultimately sacked by The Black Fangs who'd left none alive.

Sorath Empire: The Great Divide: An impossibly deep chasm that runs for over a thousand miles east-west. No one knows how it came to be, and none who have ever ventured into its depths have made it back to tell the tale.

Sorath Empire: Vederyn Oasis: A massive oasis in the middle of an arid desert just south of the Great Divide, few ever venture through there. It is rumored to be the home of a great and fearful Dorbo-Syken. Due to its size, the oasis more closely resembles a forest, and even houses a mutagenic pond at its center.

New Resistance: Sanctuary: Magnus' secret home, now teleported to Kelruhn in the middle of an unnamed continent. It acts as a fortified base for the New Resistance. Packed with weapons, vehicles, and all sorts of goodies, it makes for the ideal HQ behind which the New Resistance may rally.

The Dyn: Orbital Satellite 78-234: An enormous orbital satellite that maintains a geosynchronous orbit over Kelruhn, it houses Kelhrun's Spatial Anchor, which allows Dyn spacecraft to initiate wormholes to Kelruhn. To power the anchor, the station contains a miniaturized star, harnessed by several rapidly-rotating Dyson rings. Home to thousands of Dyn military and scientists, the station acts as the central hub for the Dyn Insights satellite system, providing unparalleled GPS and Global Vision capabilities.

Gyris: A horse-like animal tamed and ridden by the Zevan. While it is capable of reaching speeds of up to 50 mph, it cannot sustain this for long, and so makes a poor option for long-distance travel.

Sensory Disconnection Syndrome: Colloquially known as Disconnect or SDS, it is a symptom of Full-Immersion Virtual Reality overdose. VR technology has come a long way in the 22nd century, but humans are unable to stay in the simulation for longer than a month. The mind begins to reject the near-perfect simulation, and the infinitesimal errors trigger a chain reaction within the mind that firsts manifests as paranoid hallucinations and quickly devolves into madness, permanently damaging the mind. Symptoms are easily avoided by exiting the Virtual Reality simulation and spending a period of time in reality. However, some twisted individuals prefer to use it as a mechanism for enacting torture.

Spidorilla: A fearsome mutated creature, comprising of an entirely mechanical/cybernetic lower half that greatly resembles a spider with its eight sharp pincer legs. Its torso is however entirely organic and closely resembles a razorback Gorilla. Yet the Spidorilla's maw consists of endless rows of mechanical teeth, similar to what one mind find in a mechanical spider's maw. Its offensive abilities consist primarily of trampling down its foes with its mechanical legs, and punches thrown by the powerful gorilla's torso. Oh and don't stick your hand in its mouth!

Zar'shad: A monstrous-looking animal that originated in the Republic of Thesbea, they are actually quite docile and tamable as beasts of burden. Sporting blue-tinted fur and pronounced musculature, they somewhat vaguely resemble bovine animals. Yet their two vertical columns of three eyes each, and their single large eye placed above the columns like a Cyclops, give them a distinctly alien appearance. They are the preferred beasts of burden in both Thesbea and Sorath, and are capable of traveling almost 50 miles in a single day. They can sustain this pace for weeks, unlike their Gyris counterparts.

The Zevan: The residents of the strange environment Magnus finds himself thrown into. They are technologically similar to pre-renaissance humans, though they augment their technological state with magic that provides not only combat utility, but also civil amenities such as lighting, sanitation, and heating capabilities.

The Dyn: An advanced spacefaring amalgamation of several alien civilizations. The Dyn assimilate conquered worlds and their technology to build power and assert themselves as the premier force in the Milky Way Galaxy. The Dyn way is brutal, militaristic, and efficient, though individual quality of life varies greatly depending on the ruling Prime.

The Dyn: Forum of Primes: Nine overlords stand at the top of the Dyn hierarchy - the Forum of Primes. Each is responsible for a large sector of the galaxy, and each is tasked with expanding and assimilating any life that may exist there. While alliances and truces exist within the Forum, they are by no means a unified force, often butting up against each other in small skirmishes. Though war has yet to break out, some feel that it is only a matter of time.

The Dyn: Qephyx: One of the several alien races that comprise the Dyn, the Qephyx were indoctrinated into the spacefaring alien race via conquest. Resembling flaccid blobs of flesh, the Dyn breathe a carbon-monoxide-rich environment, forcing them to surround themselves in armored metal spheres that contain a safe atmosphere for them. They spend their entire lives within these floating spheres, interacting with their surroundings via modulated voices and mechanically-actuated arms. The Qephyx are experts at flesh-tech and antigravity.

The Dyn: Apoadeid: One of the founding three races of the Dyn, the Apoadeid resemble mottled, leathery worms with a thick hide sprouting from their heads that resembles deadlocked hair. They are most normally found fused to hoverchairs and decked out in technological aids. Many supplement their poor eyesight with cybernetic visor implants. Owing to their status as one of the founding races, the Apoadeid normally occupy positions of great importance within the Dyn.

Ability

Effect

Limitations

Spatial Relocator

MC's staple ability, and the one he acquired first. By using his own position in three-dimensional space as a co-ordinate anchor, Magnus is able to establish stable wormholes in the fabric of space-time, allowing for near-instant teleportation of the selected object between two points. It draws its energy from the fabric of space-time itself, a concept theorized by humans, but never proven, known as Zero-Point Energy.

Size limit: The maximal size of an object that may be Relocated is 25 ft x 25 ft x 25 ft. While the size limit be overridden, doing so induces a severe mental backlash, whose intensity increases exponentially with the Relocation volume.

Range limit: There are two distance-based limits: the distance at which a target can be selected, and the distance it may be transported once selected. The current pickup distance is 150 ft/50 yards, and the deposit distance is unknown, but has been confirmed to be at least one-thousand miles

Countered by: Magic barriers: The ability is nullified when targeting objects within a Zevan mage barrier. The presence of a barrier within the Relocation selection area is sufficient to cancel the ability, however, the ability functions if activated within a magic barrier, if both the Relocation pickup location and destination are also within the barrier.

Spatial Relocator: Matter Fusion

An innovative application of the Spatial Relocator, by sensing the molecular composition of objects, Magnus is able to fuse and reinforce matter together by Relocating one object within the gaps in the atomic lattice structure of another, allowing him to strengthen and fuse matter together, essentially turning the typically-destructive ability into a constructive one.

Density Restriction: Denser materials that have less open space in their atomic composition are harder to fuse as the atoms begin to naturally repel each other. Even less dense materials are subject to this constraint if they are fused together. As such, two to three fusions is Magnus' current limit for objects with a starting density similar to that of rocks. Additionally, he does not have the granularity to manipulate individual atoms, precluding true nuclear fusion.

Spatial Relocator: Personal Teleporter

The natural conclusion of the wormhole-creating ability, MC has finally discovered how to use reference anchors other than his own body to fix teleportation coordinates in three-dimensional space, allowing him to transit via wormhole near-instantly from one point to another.

Range limit: The ability is currently range-limited to approximately one-hundred yards. While it can be overdriven to teleport further, doing so comes with exponentially increasing mental backlash.

Spatial Relocator: Teleportal

By guiding the parasite in a deliberate direction, MC has discovered how to create self-sustaining wormholes, facilitating a slew of new tactics and use-cases.

Mental drain cost: Maintaining a portal causes MC to experience a fixed mental drain that scales with the size of the portals and the distance between each side of the portal. Currently, MC can maintain only a single small portal at a separation distance of five-thousand miles.

Multispecral Imaging Detection and Active Reflectance (MIDAR)

An active Radar system that leverages multiple frequencies, in addition to Magnus' own eyesight and hearing, it works very similarly to modern radar by sending out pings and measuring the return time in order to gauge distance. Because it uses many different frequencies, it can be used for Ground-Penetrating Radar(GPR), as well as selectively penetrating through walls, though the resolution decreases dramatically with distance. Inspiration for Midar brought to you by NASA: https://www.nasa.gov/ames/las/midar

Range limit: Currently half a mile. This limit can be extended but at a cost of a severe mental backlash that increases exponentially with the distance past the normal limit.

Arc limit: Currently 180 degrees. To build a 360-degree view of his surroundings, Magnus must strobe the ability similar to a radar dish.

Resolution limit: Like all Radar, Midar's resolving power drops with the inverse square of distance. At its maximal range, only large objects such as boulders or houses can be discerned. Closer in, it can discern Zevan and some smaller objects as well.

Invocation Frequency limit: Currently limited to one invocation per second. This limit can be bypassed, but at a cost of severe mental backlash that increases exponentially with the frequency.

Kinetic Energy Dampener

A barrier-type ability. By sucking the very energy from matter passing through the barrier, Magnus is able to use the ability as a shield against projectiles and other harmful objects. It operates by dispersing the absorbed kinetic energy into its surroundings.

Shape Restriction: The barrier can currently be moulded to most shapes, though very complex patterns require an inordinate amount of mental focus.

Duration limit: The Dampener can be active for several hours at a time before the mental backlash becomes unbearable. It must be followed by a cooldown period to allow Magnus' mind to recover.

Efficacy: Currently the barrier absorbs ~95% of the energy of molecules passing through.

Max Energy Absorption limit: The ability has an upper energy absorption limit. Currently, it can absorb a handful of attacks from Dyn energy weapons.

Kinetic Energy Dampener: Active Stealth Field System

A secondary application of the Energy Dampener is in its stealth capabilities. By modulating the frequencies of energy that are dampened, it becomes possible to deaden sound, radar, and other forms of Electromagnetic radiation passing through the barrier.

Efficacy limit: Similar to its primary application, 95% of the energy of incoming radiation is dampened.

Size limit: Current size limit is the size of Magnus' maximal Relocation distance - a field about the size of a small apartment.

Kinetic Energy Dampener: Deflector Shield

By merging the Dampener with the Relocator, Magnus has discovered how to turn his shield into a deflector shield, capable of redirecting massive amounts of energy to a spot of his choosing.

Efficacy limit: Close to 100% of the incoming energy is redirected. Since Magnus creates a wormhole, the energy passes through to the destination largely intact.

Rapid Language Development

The parasite in MC's brain can supercharge the rate at which he learns new languages. While it does not grant instant fluency, new languages may be learned in a matter of days rather than months.

I posted the chapter below for April Fools 2020. I received feedback that it was not funny. Yes, the overuse of adverbs, adjectives, and alliteration is intentional. It's pretty bad. Read at your own risk!

Book 369: Chapter 963,369: Tea-Time Tomfoolery Together with Magnus Cromwell

Pre-Chapter Note: Well here we are at Magnus chapter 963,369. I want to thank my trillions of readers, my billions of followers, and my millions of patrons for making this monumental achievement possible. Couldn't have done it without ya. To celebrate our success I thought I'd put out a special chapter today! So without further ado, I bring you - chapter 963,369!

“Botany?”

“Botany.”

“Like Mark Watney?”

“Botany you say, dear Maggie Magmag?” Asked Bethany Cromwell The First Of Her Name as she silently sipped her cup of proper London Fog.

“Ma I thought I told you not to call me that.”

“Give up Magnus, you know she’s not gonna listen,” said his sister surreptitiously, also sipping delicately on her proper cup of tea.

The Cromwells had gathered for the first time in a long time at their family’s private retreat in New Hethel. Surrounded by lush gardens and beautifully manicured roses, they discussed matters of utmost importance under an arbor.

“Whatever. Anyway, yeah. Botany. I mean I feel like it’s the logical progression in my career as a florist.”

“Maggie I must say I was a tad surprised when you switched professions. I’d hoped you’d put your mercenary days behind you but flowers? Truly!”

“It’s just… I’ve killed so many people. I just wanted to put a smile on their faces you know? Show them how nice it is to just relax and smell the roses? I want to make up for all the sins I’ve committed.”

Nina snorted admirably, scandalously spilling some of her proper tea.

“Nina! What boorish etiquette! I admit it may not be the most masculine of professions, but it goes to show that Maggie MagMag’s as caring and beautiful as the rest of us.”

“Uhh yeah… Magnus why don’t you tell her about that customer of yours who forgot to water his plants?”

A crackling cracking sound boorishly broke the peacefully serene scene. The stylishly elegant teacup lay helplessly crushed on the tablecloth, the result of a thousand manly pounds of force exerted by the hidden hydraulics housed within his cybernetic left.

“Not you too! Manners Maggie, manners! I raised you two better than this.”

The disgustingly black fluid - known to some as black tea - dripped slowly down his manly limb, staining the decidedly white tablecloth with its oozy inky nastiness.

“The fucker didn’t water his plants. Like they weren’t even people. Just neglected them, let them wilt. And wither. Until they fucking died.”

“Magnus it’s ok, just calm down.”

“Do you know how bad it is? To die from dehydration? You couldn’t even begin to imagine. You’ve never experienced it. I’ve had to filter swamp water, wrestle croco--”

“Yes yes Maggie dear, we know all about your silly pastimes. But pray tell, whatever did you do with your poor client?”

MC took a deep breath to calm down. It helped to keep him focused when shit hit the fan, “I called him.”

“You... called him?”

“That's right. I called him and I told him I had some free flowers for him at the shop, he just had to come pick it up. The moron, he fell for it hook, line and sinker.”

“So he came to your shop did he? What then?”

“Well you know. There is a special place in hell reserved for child abusers and people who forget to water their plants.”

“Magnus Cromwell! Please tell me you at least disposed of the body? Were there witnesses?” His mother asked with a shockingly serene look on her face.

“That’s what you’re worried about??”

“Come on ma, you think I’m some kind of amateur? I planted enough C-4 to blow up the entire shop. Even managed to pin it on the local gang too. The cops busted their collective asses faster than a fucking SCRAMJET at Mach 10.

“The shop was an unfortunate casualty. Collateral damage. So yeah, Botany.”

“That’s my boy. What’s one life when you can save so many?” His mother replied raucously, beaming widely.

“Well then. I’d say there’s nothing to worry about now, is there?”

“Uh, mum he blew someone up for not watering their plants. I think there’s something seriously wrong with that?”

“Codswallop! I'd say it's perfectly normal. More importantly, we absolutely must do something about this wretched state of affairs,” she said sadly, looking down at the spilled tea, “Maggie be a dear and call the butler?”

“Call it yourself. I don’t want that fucker anywhere near me.”

“Language!” His mother warned, “But very well. Arachanagor my dear, won’t you clean this mess up?”

Sporting a smashing suit and boasting a bassy baritone of a voice, the Spidorilla acquiesced aspiringly, skittering silently over to their table and bowing brilliantly like the dashing young gentleman that he truly was.

“Madam it would be my pleasure to serve you today. Allow me to erectify this abysmal little prickle of a pickle!”

As Mr. Arachnagor was being a proper butler in his butlery duties, the Cromwells continued their smalltalk with a small walk. A round around the gardens. A veritable ve--

“It truly has been awhile since the Cromwells gathered like this, hasn’t it?” She said swimmingly, bringing out the fantastically familiar framed family photo she always carried around.

“I only wish your father were here to see it.”

“Ohhh but just look at my boy, so bright and exuberant!” She brightly exclaimed exuberantly, shoving the fantastical frame at his face.

“Gotta say he was really cute back then,” Nina quipped quippingly.

That’s when he noticed that something was horribly wrong.

“Why the fuck does dad look like a humanoid gelatinous monster? What kind of a sick joke is this?”

“Magnus, what are you talking about? It’s... always been this way. See?” She said, holding a mirror up to his face.

Gross green gelatinous flesh stared back at him, replete with two ginormous gaping gaps for eyes and another one for the mouth.

“No. No it’s not true! It’s a lie!”

Bethany sighed exasperatedly, “Maggie dear we’ve been through this before. You simply need to accept the facts! This is who you are. It’s… who we all are. It’s who we’ve always been...”

He looked up only to see his sister and his mother replaced by gelatinous monsters.

“No! Get away from me you crazy freaks! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Magnus stumbled clumsily, reeling from the ten-ton shock.

“Geez Magnus, relax! It's just a joke! April Fools!”

“But… You’re still green gelatinous monsters!”