The moment I selected Yes, the world around me froze. For a split second after that, nothing happened, and then, quite abruptly, clouds of gray fog started to appear seemingly from nowhere. With them came a low, static-like white noise, the origins of which I likewise couldn’t discern. The fog filled up the room bit by bit, obscuring everything from my sight, including the tipsy bartender who’d glomped onto me.

That… You know what? I feel like that’s something to think about later. This is supposed to be kind of important, yeah?

While exceedingly hard given the circumstances, I did my best to put Nadja and the incoming guards out of my mind. I was aided considerably by the fact that she hadn’t been lying: My head felt entirely clear despite the honey wine.

After perhaps a minute, the fog gradually receded without leaving entirely, and I found myself transported somewhere else.

I stood at the bottom of what appeared to be a mind-bogglingly large spiral carved into a mass of slate. At its bottom, it leveled off, leaving me a small circle of stone to stand on. In front of me, a pathway started up which curled up and around, leaving the space feeling similar to the interior of a monumental drill bit.

Whether there was a roof far above me, or nothing but the sky, I couldn’t tell. The gray fog which filled the space thickened as it got higher, leaving what lay above a mystery.

At various intervals along the spiral, the wall recessed, forming a series of alcoves. Inside each, the fog appeared to coalesce, forming the suggestion of a figure.

At much greater intervals, the path expanded, jutting out and hanging over the section below it. Standing at each of these larger sections was a hulking golem-like creature comprised of equal parts bone-white metal and fog. They stood across the width of the path, facing inward as if to block the way forward.

All in all, the entire scene was kind of spooky.

Without much else to do, I made for the path in front of me, ready to ascend and pick my class. Before I did, however, a thought occurred to me. I angled my head upwards and shouted out.

“Look, it’s been kind of a long day here. When I’m done with this, there’s a pretty solid chance I’m about to get my ass kicked. If this is just going to be another one of those ‘As a Protagonist chosen by a god of luck…’ things, can we just skip to the end?” The notion of walking around for hours only to have everything be chosen randomly sounded entirely unappealing.

Whether the gods — or whoever it was that was in charge — were listening or not, I wasn’t sure, but the only response to my words was their slight echo off the dark gray stone.

“Well,” I voiced with a shrug. “That’s about all I can do about that, I suppose.” Ready to grab myself a class, I started up the pathway.

As I neared the first alcove, the fog within it began to condense, slowly solidifying into a woman wearing a rugged set of armor and brandishing a long sword. As the figure continued to become more clear, I realized with a start that it wasn’t just any woman — it was me. Only, not quite.

Staring back at me was a slightly older version of myself with broad muscles and scars running down her face. The differences between us didn’t seem merely physical, either. There was a way she carried herself, a look in her eyes. She seemed… confident. Sure of herself to a degree I’d yet to achieve, but also vicious in a way I wasn’t familiar with. Was this what the future held for me? I wasn’t sure how to feel.

A window popped open in front of my burly doppelganger, identifying her as a Warrior along with giving me a short blurb about the class. I read through the info and tried to scroll down for more information, but there was nothing there.

“Is this really it? How am I supposed to make a decision from only a short description?” At this rate, the gods might as well have given me a random class after all.

At my words, a new window suddenly popped up in front of me in response to my ire: Information requested on class details. God’s Mind Activated.

Wow, unexpected score. Instantly, the text on the class window updated, explaining exactly what Warriors were capable of and listing the skills they gained. Frankly, it would have been a lot to digest if I wanted to read it carefully, but I only skimmed it. As cool as Warrior-me was looking, I knew that wasn’t the class I would pick. I hadn’t ended up in a world with magic just to wave a sword around, after all.

Bidding myself goodbye, I continued up the path, my figure returning to fog after I left it. After that, I repeated the process again and again and again. I saw myself as a Rogue, a mischievous grin plastered across my sly face; a Hunter, a giant feline companion nestled up to my legs; a Cleric, white light radiating from my hands as I smiled with serene grace. On and on I went, none of the classes calling out to me.

Finally, after looking at dozens of classes, I found my way forward blocked by one of the colossal fog golems. Uncertain what the proper procedure was when faced with such a creature, I opted for a polite wave.

“Um. Hi there. Do you know if I can keep going, or what’s the deal here?”

The golem tilted its featureless face towards me and emitted a low rumble, leading me to wonder if I should be worried. After a moment, however, it turned to the side, allowing me to pass. As it moved, a window popped up.

Congratulations! You have unlocked one or more second level class. Unlike the basic classes below, second level classes are only offered to those who have met the requirements to unlock them.

As I read the message, I grew excited to see what options lay ahead, but tried not to get my hopes too high. After all, I doubted I’d unlocked much having only been here a month.

I passed the motionless golem and continued on until reaching another outcropping. The figure that formed there appeared nimble, covered in thin leather armor and crouching down with a spear in her hand. There was an intense, almost frightening look in her eyes, and around her neck was a cord threaded through a myriad of different fangs.

Truthfully, seeing such a figure with my own face on it was more than slightly jarring. Concerned that I’d managed to unlock such a class, I examined its details to see what I was looking at.

Spider Slayer

Requirement to Unlock:

Kill 100 spiders

Holy shit, had it really been that many? I actually felt kind of bad now. I mean, the crawly fuckers had deserved it, but still.

Entirely certain that I wanted nothing to do with the class, I moved on.

As it turned out, I hadn’t unlocked much. A few classes like Sleuth and Scout were offered to me because of my Perception. A few more were offered because I was, if only technically, a settlement owner. In terms of occupation classes, I even got to have a chuckle as I passed by the Therapist version of myself.

While the classes were interesting, once again, none of them held my attention. Maybe that would have been different had I been born on this strange planet and unlocked more options, but I hadn’t. Hoping to find something better, I moved on.

For the second time, I made my way to one of the unnerving fog golems. Unsure what requirements I needed to meet to progress, I held my breath as it examined me. After a moment, it turned aside with a rumble of its own, and I released a sigh of relief. A window popped up in explanation.

Congratulations! You have unlocked one or more third level class. Third level classes are more advanced variants of the classes on the lower levels, reserved for those who have gained sufficient Prestige.

Thank you swirly gold mark! No wonder people cared about their Prestige rating so much. I’d been thinking it was just an odd status symbol, but apparently not. In fact, gaining access to another level of classes made me understand a bit better where some of Rock’s anger had come from. He was right: I certainly didn’t earn any of this. That didn’t, of course, mean that I wasn’t going to put it to use, though.

With much more enthusiasm, I jogged up to the next recession. The figure that appeared there held a large warhammer in the air, a fierce light emanating from both the weapon and its wielder. Shining silver plate covered her body, and a self-assured grin covered her face.

Light’s Champion

Requirements to Unlock:

100 Prestige

Neutral or above relationship with the gods of light

I read the requirements and was happy to learn I hadn’t managed to inadvertently piss off any light gods in the past month. Reading through the class description, it looked slightly similar to a warrior but with a host of healing and light spells to augment its power. Frankly, it didn’t look like a bad option, but I’d never quite seen myself as the super holy “upholder of the light” type. Keeping it in the back of my mind, I moved on.

The classes that followed completely outdid those that came before: A Venomist whose very blood was poison, a Shifter who could take the form of beasts, a Lake Dancer who could put my simple Conjure Water spell to shame. Even amongst the ones with higher Prestige requirements, there weren’t any that looked truly unstoppable, but I certainly would never have to be afraid around a few spiders again.

After completing my circuit of the third level classes, I had a few favorites, but before deciding on anything for sure, I made my way to the third golem. It seemed like a bit of a stretch at this point, but if I could go higher, then higher I would go.

Like the others, the golem looked me over with a rumble. Sadly, it made no move to step aside, and a window popped open informing me why.

Levels past the third are reserved for those who have been granted access by the gods or are upgrading an existing class.

So that was that. Ah well. There were still plenty of good options on this level.

I turned around to go look at the classes more closely, but as I did so, a new prompt flashed before me.

Would you like to use Minor Class Token? Note, this will consume the token.

I froze. My class token! So that’s what it was for! I’d gotten it on my very first day from my average boon, and I’d barely thought about it since.

I felt a bit bad using it up considering there were probably thousands of classes I wouldn’t have access to right now, some of which I was bound to unlock in the coming months. Still, the lure of the fourth level called to me.

I reached forward and hit Yes, and immediately an intense burning sensation lit up my forearm. The mark of the class token, a tiny tattoo of a black coin, surfaced to my skin. From there, it continued upwards, pulling itself out of my body until it was floating. No longer just a mark, it hung there, solid, until the golem reached out and plucked it from the air. It threw the coin into the fog that made up its chest, and having done so, stepped aside to let me pass.

I ran ahead, eager to see what new classes lay ahead.

The first figure I came upon was almost identical to the current me, save for the fact that she had unnervingly black irises and skin as pale as snow. While I found this version of me a touch unsettling, I read its description nonetheless.

Shadow Walker

A true denizen of the darkness, the Shadow Walker is blessed by the shadows and shunned by the light. Using their ability to enter and exit the shadow realm at will, Shadow Walkers can disappear, completely avoiding enemy attacks before reappearing where least expected. This power, however, is not one to be taken lightly. The shadow realm is not a safe place to dwell in.

Once again I was reminded of how little I knew about this world. There was a shadow realm? Who knew?

The ominous warning and goth aesthetic aside, the class actually sounded pretty great to me. If a sword was coming at me, I could just go “poof” and disappear? That sounded wildly overpowered for fighting and even better for running away!

Unless I could manage to find some colored contacts and get a spray tan, it didn’t quite seem like the move, though. Power was one thing, but having everyone freak out at the sight of me was another.

The figure dissolved into fog as I moved on and continued to survey my new options. While the level three classes had largely felt like the basic classes with some powerups and quirks, everything on the fourth level ended up being a bit stranger. There was a Dreamweaver who could cast illusions and influence people’s dreams; a Sky Surfer who could walk on air and solidify it into shields or projectiles; and even a Water Nymph who could become liquid at will. I eyed each power greedily, wishing that I could somehow take them all.

Far too soon, the figures ended, leaving me face to face with the fourth golem. As expected, it wouldn’t let me pass. Evidently, I’d need a larger class token to go any higher.

That was, however, just fine by me. One class in particular had caught my eye, and while perhaps there were even greater options which lay beyond, I knew I wouldn’t be leaving this place disappointed. Even with my current favorite, however, I did another sweep of the fourth level, reflecting on what qualities I was looking for from my class.

Firstly, anything that dramatically changed my appearance was off the table. I was flat out not going to walk around with scales, giant glowing face tattoos, or — in what was sure to show up in my nightmares for years to come — extra eyeballs.

Secondly, it had to make use of as many different stats as possible. With my random allocation, it wouldn’t make sense to choose a pure spellcaster class in case all of my stats ended up going into Strength. Vice versa, I couldn’t become a warrior-type class in case my points all went into Intelligence. This ended up eliminating the lion’s share of the classes.

Lastly, and most importantly, it had to help me out with my current situation. Weaving dreams, for instance, sounded pretty cool, but somehow I doubted it would help me with the thieves that were about to beat the crap out of me. Maybe they’d release me eventually, but I couldn’t be sure. And in the end, it wouldn’t matter how awesome my class was if I ended up too dead to use it.

Even had my situation been less dire, though, it was as I’d told Nadja: I was tired of not being able to protect myself. I didn’t have a desire to become some bloodthirsty berserker, but at this point, I didn’t think the crafter’s life was for me.

Collectively, these criteria filtered out the vast majority of the options. While I didn’t want to jump into things too quickly, out of the remainder, there was one in particular that drew me in. I made my way over to the class and was once again confronted with a possible version of myself.

Though she wore no armor, a blue shell of mana surrounded her, solid and sturdy looking. In her hands were two long blades. The first was wreathed in a dark and sinuous aura, imbuing it with an imposing air. In contrast, the second blade wasn’t a physical sword at all. Its entirety was formed from dancing, flickering flames, somehow brought together and given shape. On her back hung a bow alongside a quiver of arrows.

While I’d initially been drawn to her equipment, what ended up striking me most about the figure was her face. In the countless other iterations of myself, I’d seen expressions full of confidence, cunning, intelligence, and grit. In some of the more frightening cases, I’d even seen my visage filled with an almost feral grin, or in others, a deadened, icy glare.

Across all the me’s I’d come across, however, none of them wore the simple at-ease smile that greeted me now. It wasn’t the look of a battle-tested warrior, hungry for the next fight. It wasn’t the look of a studied mage, proud and firm. More than anything, it was the look of an actual person. One who felt content and comfortable.

Gods and magic aside, what more could I truly want in life? I didn’t need to be able to beat a god in a fist fight or battle an entire army by myself. More than anything, I just wanted to feel like whatever version of me I became, it was one I wholeheartedly liked.

Of course, it didn’t hurt that the class would turn me into a badass too.

I stared at the window before me, hungrily reading the full class description.

Arcane Arsenal

Requirements to Unlock:

400 Prestige

Level 2 in at least 5 weapons skills

Level 1 in at least 2 spell classes

The Arcane Arsenal is the ultimate marriage of physical armaments and the arcane arts. Well rounded in defense, offense, range, and mobility, the class’s main downside lies only in the large number of stats required to use both magic and weaponry effectively.

After getting into the gritty details of the class’s skills, I’d discovered it had two big features. Firstly, it would allow me to enhance any weapons or armor I was wearing with attributes from the spell classes I knew. The shadowy sword that my doppelganger was holding was one such instance of this, a blade which had been enhanced with dark magic.

If I was willing to pour a bit more mana into it, that same skill could also temporarily create weapons and armor. The blue armor and fire sword in front of me were presumably the result of doing so.

Secondly, the class would let me take any armor or weapons I owned and designate them as soulbound, which would allow me to summon and dismiss them on command. If nothing else, it would mean that I didn’t have to lug a sword around with me everywhere I went or fish it out of a dimensional pouch before every fight.

The end result was a class with strong defense that could fight toe to toe with a sword of flame or sit back shooting magical arrows and spells. As an added bonus, it would only get stronger as I learned more and more spells.

Especially considering that the class could serve me well regardless of how my stats got allocated, it felt like the right fit for me. Already sold, I made my choice, hitting the proper button on the window before me.

Are you sure you’d like to choose Arcane Arsenal as your class?

I confirmed my choice, and the fog around me froze. After a tense moment, a notification popped up.

As a Protagonist directly chosen by a god of lu-

“No! God dammit, no! In fact, gods dammit! Don’t you dare!” I hollered.

Evidently not listening to my shouts, the world spit out another notification

Class chosen: Mystical Trapeze Artist

The Mystical Trapeze Artist blends together acrobatic technique with arcane power, resulti-

I stared at the description, glassy-eyed. How was I supposed to win against armed fighters with this? Using the power of tightrope walking?

That was it, then. In a moment I was going to be captured, and the Thieves Guild would do whatever they wanted to me. I sat down on the slate ground, trying to come to terms with my fate.

A new notification popped up, and I barely brought myself to read it, sure it was trapeze related. It was thus with full incredulity that I discovered its actual contents.

(Just fucking with you)

Xoxo <3

Class chosen: Arcane Arsenal

I stared at the message uncomprehendingly until it finally clicked, filling me with both an incredible sense of relief and a deep well of rage.

“Are we fucking kidding me right now? Who even… Whoever controls these prompts, you better get your ass down here right now, because you and I are going to have a nice long talk, and-”

Unexpectedly, the world unpaused, and the fog about me began to thicken, cutting my thoughts short. Wasn’t this what had happened when I’d been brought here? Was I being sent back to the store room right now?

I scrambled up to my feet as the rollercoaster that the past minute had put my emotions through began to plunge down once more.

Wait! How did I even use this class? Couldn’t I have, I don’t know, a little time in a practice room first? A training dummy? I wasn’t ready!

Ignoring my frantic pleas, the fog continued to thicken until at last it began to recede. Despite having been standing up only moments ago, I now found myself on the ground, snuggled tightly in a firm embrace. At the same time, I heard a faint jangling of keys coming from behind the door.

With Nadja still gripping me tight, the guards only moments from entering, and me still having no idea how to use my class, I wasn’t feeling great, truth be told. In fact, quite the opposite. Mind racing to figure out my action plan, I couldn’t help myself from muttering a brief curse.

“Well, fuck me, I guess.”

Flirt has reached level 2!