Chapter 21

4 Years Three Months Post Alien Apocalypse, or 0004 P.A.A.

Human Population 55,000,000

Wizard Death Match or Gabe's Revenge

Gabe produced a baseball-sized fireball that hovered inches above his right hand. With no warning, his fireball flew backwards, causing the abandoned house behind him to explode in a fiery inferno.

“Damn it, Gabe, you know we're here to kill monsters, right?” said Hunter, their patrol leader.

“Yes,” Gabe said, sounding like he wanted to cry. “And that was my only fireball, so we should probably run.”

There was a loud roar as something in front of them surged forward.

Ian continued watching the cell-phone as the video concluded with the drawing of a wizard being pushed off a cliff, and someone speaking the words, “Wizard Fail!”

Ian sighed as he scrolled forward to the latest video of Gabe.

***

“I'm sure everyone watching this knows about a certain site with videos of my various failures,” Gabe said, staring into the camera. “As Zoltron the Mighty Wizard, these video postings will stop, as of today.”

Gabe straightened and adjusted his wizard's hat so it stood up proudly on his head, making him look over a foot taller than he actually was. He turned towards the distant sound of roaring. “Let's go, guys. The monsters are that way.”

***

“As I was saying earlier today, our mighty wizard is upset about certain 'wizard fail videos' some asshole keeps posting about him,” Marvin said from behind his galactic market video camera. “Like that time Zoltron the Mighty Wizard blew himself up with his own bomb, and we almost got eaten by aliens. Or the time his fireball went the opposite direction it was supposed to, and we almost got eaten by aliens. And there was the time his wizard shield failed, and we got pin-cushioned by popper spikes, and... well, I think you get the picture.”

Marvin picked up the pace to keep up with Gabe, Dex, and Hunter, the three other men on his patrol. “There's nothing funny about this,” Marvin continued. “Gabe's doing the best he can. It's sad people laugh at things like this. People who laugh at human suffering suck. Shame. Shame.”

“We all know you're the one posting the videos, Marvin,” Hunter said, not even bothering to look back. Their patrol leader was old, but there was nothing wrong with his hearing.

“Shhhhh,” Marvin said. “People are assholes!” he said, louder this time. “Anyway, Zoltron the Mighty Wizard wishes to redeem himself, and... Uh, we should back off, Gabe. They've got this one. Let's redeem you someplace else.”

“Hey, Assholes!” Gabe shouted. “Over here!” From a block away, the six-man patrol he was shouting at turned to face Gabe.

The six-man patrol comprised of the four who used to pick on Ian and Gabe in the fortress, and two of their older brothers. None of them looked friendly.

“Gabe, are you crazy?” Marvin said. “They're tougher than we are, and they're still mad about that time you tried to get them all executed.”

“Nobody likes a pussy, Marvin, and those bastards had it coming. Among other things, nobody calls my apprentice a whore. Too bad Dad had to intercede on their behalf and request they be exiled instead. Whatever happens next, keep that camera focused on the traitor patrol.”

“Last time, they threw cars at us,” Marvin said. He focused his camera on the six-man patrol, zooming in on three rusted-out cars rising in the air.

“You're in our territory, traitors,” Gabe shouted. “In fact, I believe you were exiled from this part of the city. So leave before you get hurt.”

“He doesn't speak for the rest of us,” Marvin called out. “No problems here. We're good.”

Erik, a traitor patrol member, raised his helm. It seemed several people had bragged loudly on the BG internet about how they'd betrayed Mrs. Wilcox for Mr. Payne, right before Mr. Payne got eaten by a dragon. Across his face and forehead was the word TRAITOR, in large red letters. The tattoo was punishment for his betrayal of Mrs. Wilcox two years ago. All the traitors, and traitor family members, had one. It was part of the compromise that kept them from being executed.

A special Galactic-Market ink had been used to make the facial tattoo permanent. Erik could remove the skin from his face, and the tattoo would come back when his skin regenerated.

“You don't know when to quit, wizdork,” Erik said. “Give me one reason we don't kill you right now.”

A ball of blue light the size of a softball appeared above Gabe's right hand. “You guys think you're tough? Block this.”

Gabe sent his light-ball floating toward the traitor patrol.

The traitor patrol's two telekinetics attempted to stop the light-ball, but were unable to affect it with their power. Instead, they moved a car between them and it. Gabe's light-ball floated upward until it was directly above them. The car moved smoothly, remaining between the traitors and the light-ball.

Erik made a questioning gesture. All six had guns pointing at Gabe and his patrol. “So?” Two cars floated toward Gabe and his patrol. Marvin, the camera holder, backed up nervously.

“The light-ball I sent over has no mass, so it can't be affected by telekinetics,” Gabe said. “It's also harmless. The same cannot be said for the lightning bugs inside it. Marvin, zoom in on my light-ball please.”

Gabe's patrol watched as hundreds of tiny sparks shot out of Gabe's light-ball, flowing around the floating car, and settling like dust on the patrol.

It was like every patrol member got hit with multiple tasers. The six men convulsed from electricity and fell to the ground, their armor doing nothing to protect them. The three cars came crashing down, including the car the traitor patrol had been using as a shield. At least one of them cried out in agony as their shield car crashed down on top of them.

Marvin's galactic market camera let out a loud squeak as this happened, and its two antennas shot straight up. Galactic-Market technology often behaved strangely for no good reason.

Gabe chuckled. “I've wanted to do that for years. That'll teach them to write 'kick me' on the back of my wizard robes.”

Marvin zoomed in on the convulsing patrol. There was blood coming out from under the car. “That must have hurt. You suppose they're okay?”

“Who cares,” said Gabe.

Gabe pulled unidentifiable objects from his inventory and started building something. The roar and rumble of approaching alien monsters grew louder.

Six heavily armored, rhino-sized pricklys came up one of the side-streets. An alien display popped up.

This is a prickly. It is not getting bigger and faster than last year's pricklys. It seems that way because you are weak.

Seeing Gabe and his patrol, the alien pricklys let out loud roars and charged.

“You want some cover fire, Gabe?” Hunter asked.

“Absolutely not,” Gabe said. “Stay behind me.”

The six pricklys failed to notice the still-convulsing traitor patrol. More cries of agony could be heard as the pricklys trampled the six young men on their way to Gabe and his people. The pricklys' weight pushed the car on top of the traitor patrol to one side, as they barely noticed it was there.

“Shit, shit shit,” Marvin said quietly. His camera swung between Gabe, and what were essentially six rhino-sized alien tanks heading straight for them. Hunter stood behind Gabe, looking nervous. The big young man named Dex sat on a nearby curb. He smiled and nodded at Marvin and his camera.

Gabe kept working, his inventory turned into a tripod with a two-foot-wide silver dish on top. Wires came out the sides of the silver dish, meeting a foot in front of it.

The charging aliens got closer. Marvin's camera let out frightened squeaks.

“Gabe, are you sure you know what you're doing?” Marvin asked.

Gabe made his final adjustments and fired one tiny white fireball after another. At this range, it would have been impossible to miss the charging pricklys. The fireballs tore through the aliens' heavy armidillo shell-like armor. They screamed and exploded, sending millions of foot long spikes everywhere as they died.

A wall of foot-long spikes formed, inches from Gabe. Stopped by Gabe's invisible wizard shield, they soon fell to the ground, in a huge pile of spikes that vanished seconds later.

The traitor patrol wasn't so lucky. Though they were a block away, nothing stopped the prickly spikes raining down on them, causing more cries of pain.

Thud thud thud, and roar, came from a new monster coming their way.

“Uh Gabe, how does that shield work on boulders?” Marvin asked.

“It doesn't. Now if you don't mind, I need to concentrate.” A three foot wide frisbee-like disc formed above Gabe's right hand.

The thirty-foot-tall ogre-like tumtum didn't even bother with city streets as it advanced, kicking houses aside as it approached. The three nostril slits on its face expanded as it smelled the nearby humans.

Tumtums seemed to enjoy carrying boulders around with them. This one was no exception.

As the tumtum approached with its boulder, it kicked over the abandoned house next to the traitor patrol, causing part of the wall to land on them. Still more cries of agony could be heard.

Gabe's disc flew at the tumtum, slicing through one of its wrists, causing it to drop its boulder. The boulder landed in the yard in front of the house it'd just kicked over.

Fortunately, the houses in this area had long since been abandoned. Their proximity to the fortress had turned this area into a no-man's-land, with abandoned houses and so many monster trees, the area was becoming a forest.

The disc continued forward, slicing the tumtum's thick neck, flying another fifty feet before doubling back to renew its attack. The tumtum swung at the disc with its good hand, but thanks to Gabe's skillful handling, the disc avoided the tumtum's swing and sliced through its neck a second time.

The tumtum pulled a lamp post out of the cement with its good hand, and swung it like a baseball bat, missing Gabe's disc by inches.

Gabe's disk sliced through the alien's neck a third time, severing its head from its shoulders. Its head fell to the street, landing on top of the traitor patrol, causing further cries of agony, before the tumtum's head and body vanished.

“That was too easy,” Gabe said. “I only got twelve thousand credits and eight stat points for all that work. Let's find some tougher aliens.”

***

“I am told through some miracle, the entire rebel patrol survived their injuries, and in a couple months will be good as new,” Marvin said, looking into his camera, “I'd like everyone to know I just held the camera. I'm not responsible for anything that happened today, and I'm only posting this video because a certain wizard is threatening to chop off my arms and legs if I don't. I need my arms and legs.”

Marvin took a drink of what looked like a can of soda with alien symbols on it. The large man was developing a potbelly.

“Though all I did was hold a camera and post a few videos, BG says 'your hurtful Wizard Fail videos inspired a wizard to overcome his fears and become the below-average monster-killer he was meant to be. You get 2000 credits, and one stat point. Yay!' Hey, I'll take it. I'm not like Ian Anderson, who throws around a hundred-thousand credits like it was nothing. I can use the money. But let me say once again, what happened to the rebel patrol had nothing to do with me. I asked Zoltron the Mighty Wizard if he was worried about retaliation, he said, 'Bring it. I dare those traitor scum to try something.' So with Zoltron's permission, I'm setting up a second site called Wizard Death Match 0004.” Marvin took another swig of his alien soda. “Anybody who wants to put money on one, or any, of the participants, let me know.”

***

“Somebody's doing well after all,” Ian said, putting away the cell-phone he'd just bought from a courier. “With all those Wizard Fail videos, I thought I might be wrong about Gabe's potential, but he seems to be getting the hang of things.”

Ian and Crazy Steve were driving through the desert, watching as it slowly turned into more rugged, mountainous terrain. A drone flew above them for a while before flying off again. `

They encountered an abandoned checkpoint with a faded sign next to it that said. Welcome to Little, Population 2500 Underneath it said. Home of the Giant Monster Sausage! Next to the sign was an equally faded picture of a large sausage with arms and legs and a gaping mouth full of sharp teeth.

A heavy, locked steel gate and barbed wire fence blocked their way into town. On the gate was a folded piece of paper with the words “For Ian Anderson.” Ian sensed he was being watched by several people through telescopic sights of their high-powered rifles.

Ian walked over to the gate and grabbed the letter. He had a good idea what it would say.

“Dear Ian Anderson,” Ian read. “I've heard stories about teenage girls turning up pregnant with neither the girls, nor anyone else in the area, having any idea how they got that way. By some coincidence, these events appear closely tied to your visits. Now, Ian, I do not know the full story, and I realize you have helped me in the past. That is why I'm giving you fair warning. Turn your jeep around and drive away. Because if you ever set foot in my territory again, my men have orders to shoot you like a dog. Captain Bradley Smith.”

Ian crumpled the letter and threw it so it bounced off the jeep's windshield. “Fuck! After all I've done for that asshole, you'd think he'd at least listen to my side of the story.”

“Maybe Captain Bradley's still mad you tried to kidnap his youngest granddaughter?” Crazy Steve said.

“That's was you! I can't stand that little brat, and fortunately for you, Captain Bradley thought you were joking.” Ian glared at the drone that was hovering nearby, watching them. “That paranoid asshole thinks everybody wants out to run off with his stupid granddaughters, and he thought I was a creepy psychic at the best of times. Great.”

“It seems The Home of the Giant Monster Sausage feels you are putting your wiener where it doesn't belong.” Crazy Steve blew cigarette smoke out the driver's side window. “What do you think is really going on?”

“I think if half the stories about me were true, my life would be a nonstop orgy,” Ian said. “I've never met the girls, that courier we just spoke to, claims people think I slept with, and I practice safe sex. Has anyone considered a galactic market paternity test before trying and convicting me?”

Crazy Steve studied him. “You're the psychic, Ian. I think you should look up these girls and find out what's going on. If their stories are true, they could use your help.”

Ian pounded the jeep's dash with his fist. “I don't have time for this shit! I can sense monsters massing near that asshole Bradley's territory. Two days at the most before they attack.”

Crazy Steve finished his cigarette and tossed what was left out the window. “Ian. We've talked about Zen philosophy before. Nobody can tell you your life's meaning. You have to figure it out for yourself. You've spent the last four years hunting and killing alien monsters. Is that all you want your life to mean?”

“Key to winning this game is out there someplace,” Ian said. “I got to kill the right monster.”

“What if it's not the key, Ian? Seems like the more monsters you kill, the more monsters BG makes. But I know you like helping people, Ian. Why don't you settle down, focus on making this world better for everyone?”

“Why don't you shut the hell up,” Ian said. Then he sighed. “Sorry, Steve. I'm frustrated, and you may be right. But Gabe is finally getting the hang of wizardry. Once he brings Stacy back, I'll rethink my strategy. In the meantime, this monster gathering is going to be huge, nothing like the two Kitykity we killed last week. To be honest, Steve, I'm a little scared. Asshole or not, Captain Bradley needs our help.”

Crazy Steve rolled a new cigarette. “If that's how you feel.”

“It is.” Ian looked out the window, studying the drone that now hovered above them. “Unfortunately, they know my power doesn't effect electronics. Not directly.”

Ian smiled and waved at the drone.

An alien pterodactyl swooped down, grabbed the drone, and flew off with it.

There was the sound of gunfire from Captain Bradley's men in the distance, trying to shoot down the drone thief.

“You did that?” Crazy Steve asked.

Ian chuckled. “Just keeping them on their toes, Steve. Let's go. We got a long drive ahead of us.”