Chapter 19

Bone Voyage

"One card each," said the Ferryman. Everyone leaned in to look. The cards were black, of course, and bigger than usual with little stars worked in silver. The Ferryman was holding them in his skeletal fingers, facedown.

"Hang on," said Fred. "We know he cheats at cards!"

"Do I?" asked the Ferryman, mildly.

"What if," said Hugo, "he knows that we know he cheats at cards?"

"What if he if he knows we know," said Alice, "and he knows that then–"

"Take one," the Ferryman offered the deck to Hugo who shrugged and plucked a card. He flipped it over.

"The Lucky Bard," said the Ferryman. "Please go through that door." A door appeared in the gloom.

"What!" said Alice. "We don't all go together?"

"All paths lead to the same destination," said the Ferryman. "But you must each travel your own path." The party exchanged glances. Hugo shrugged.

"See you on the other side," he said, pushing the door open and disappearing through it. The door folded in on itself. It flickered for a moment and then was gone.

"Hmmph," said Alice.

"Alice?" The Ferryman offered her the cards. She picked one, angrily. "The Knave," said the Ferryman. "Your door."

"Bye, arseholes," said Alice.

"Be careful," shouted Fred.

"I will," came the faint reply. Her door shut, and then faded into nothing.

Epic chose her card. Her face paled as she looked at it. Fred craned his neck to look.

"The Hanged Man," said the Ferryman. "Your door." Epic left without a word.

Joan pulled a card Fred had never seen in the tarot before. If it was tarot. He was suddenly uncertain. Her card showed an oak, mirrored. One side was green and lush, with squirrels and birds scampering in the branches. The underbelly was a white skeleton of a trunk, no leaves, only bodies piled in a heap at the roots.

"The Tree of Life," said the Ferryman. "Good choice." Joan flashed him a grin.

"Break a leg," called Fred.

"What?"

"I'll see you soon!"

And then there was just Fred and the Ferryman. Fred picked his card.

"The Merry Dancer," said the Ferryman. "This way please."

"I am merry," said Fred.

"I know," said the Ferryman. "Now go."

Fred pushed open the stout, wooden door that appeared before him with some trepidation. He peered inside. Two chairs and a table rested in the middle of a hollowed out cave. Seated at one of the chairs was the Ferryman. Fred looked over his shoulder at the Ferryman waiting at the dock. And then back at the Ferryman in the room. They were identical.

"Don't overthink it," said the Ferryman at the table. Fred shut the door with a grimace and vowed to do just that.

"Hello," he said, joining the skeleton at the card table. The scene was illuminated by a single, fat wax candle. The Ferryman nodded, then shuffled a deck of cards. These were just ordinary, run of the mill playing cards. There was nothing magical about them. They were mundane. Ordinary. The kind with the red pattern backs that you could pick up anywhere.

"Tonight," said the Ferryman, "we play for your soul."

"My soul?" asked Fred.

"Nah, just kidding," said the Ferryman. "Although it would be nice. Let's face it – before this game is over you will have respawned a hundred times. But your soul – your soul is something worth playing for."

"So what are we playing for?" asked Fred, eager to change the topic.

"If you win you get to carry on living this bizarre and mystical half-life," said the Ferryman. "You get to meet up with your friends and go on ridiculous adventures."

"Hmm. And if I lose?"

"I kill you and you respawn," said the Ferryman, stifling a yawn. "Terribly dull...unless...you want to up the ante?" He looked sideways at Fred with deliberate casualness.

"No, thank you," said Fred, carefully. "I think those terms are fine."

"Fine," said the Ferryman, clearly a little disappointed. "Let's get started then." He shuffled the deck between his finger bones, the little cards zipping through the air.

"Um, what are we playing?"

The skeleton grinned.

"Strip poker," he said.

Fred eyed the Ferryman's ribcage, just visible between the opening of his black robe.

"I mean," he said, "aren't you a little underdressed?"

"It is kind of you to be concerned," said the Ferryman, his eyes sparking blue. "There is no need. Let us begin."

"Um, right."

The Ferryman dealt him five cards, and Fred looked at them anxiously, suddenly aware that he had only the vaguest idea how to play. Watching it in the movies wasn't quite the same and the plots seldom lingered on the game mechanics. For some reason. Bluffing. Wasn't he supposed to bluff?

"I've won a few hands," lied Fred, "playing poker."

"Some people," said the Ferryman, solemnly, "will gamble anything."

They stared at each other. Fred moved his hands off the table, very slowly.

"You can look at them," said the Ferryman, dealing more cards face down into the middle of the table. Fred picked up his cards.

"Right," he said, again. "Right." Fred looked up at the Ferryman's gleaming skull. "That's quite a poker face you have there."

"Thank you."

The Ferryman's eyes, or rather the pinpricks of light that gave the impression of eyes flickered towards his hand. "Alright," he said. "Five cards. Jacks or better. Nothing wild. What's your ante?"

"My ante?"

"What are you betting?"

"Oh. Oh. Um, my shirt. And what are you betting?" asked Fred. As far as he could see the Ferryman was wearing a robe and cowl. Maybe he had a brooch. Come to think of it Fred couldn't remember if the skeleton was wearing shoes. He sneaked a peek under the table. He wasn't. The long thin bones of his feet were resting on the floor, the phalanges splayed out on the rock.

"I'll find something." The Ferryman laid down his cards. He had three queens. Fred put his hand down, anxiously.

"Full house?" he said, with a hint of a question.

"Well done," said the Ferryman. He reached under his robe and drew out a pair of surprisingly frilly black knickers.

"You were not wearing those," said Fred in disbelieve.

"Prove it," said the Ferryman.

They played another round. This time Fred lost. He pulled off his shirt and laid it on the table. They played again. Slowly the pile of clothing grew until Fred was sitting in just his boxers and shoes. The Ferryman still had his robe and Fred was beginning to suspect shenanigans.

He tapped a card against his cheek, staring at the skeleton.

"You know," said Fred. "I've the strangest feeling. "We've met before, haven't we? At the theatre..." His brow furrowed as he tried to remember. "Onstage. Maybe. Hmm, I don't know. I've met a lot of people. Perhaps at–" He and the Ferryman both laid out their hands. The Ferryman had five kings and a card with a little yellow duck. Fred – well Fred wasn't sure what he had. His brain was growing a little fuzzy. "Oh no."

Fred took off his shoes.

"Do they count as one or two?"

"One," said the Ferryman. "We might have met. I left my tutu with my other wardrobe." He dealt another hand. They both studied their cards. At least, Fred tried to. He felt like he was missing something important, but then he had never had a head for maths. Counting rhythms, yes. Straight maths, no.

"A black tutu–" Fred dug through his memory, on the cusp of recollection. "Yes, I remember... on the stage in the wings just before–" His eyes slid to his cards. They widened and he threw them down in triumph. "A royal flush!" he said. "Beat that!"

"I cannot," said the Ferryman, with quiet dignity. He smiled. At least, Fred somehow got the impression of a smile, despite the Ferryman's teeth being locked into a permanent, pained expression of rigor mortis. "I will watch your progress with great interest," he said. "We will meet again."

Fred jumped. There was a clatter of bones as the Ferryman collapsed inwards. Seconds later all that was left was a puddle of cloth draped over the chair.

"Huh," said Fred.

He stood up and glared at the deflated robe. He poked it suspiciously with one toe. "I knew he was cheating." Fred shook his head, trying to clear the wool from his thoughts. "Best not to overthink it," he muttered. "Best not to overthink."

A stout wooden door materialized in the wall opposite. Shouldering his satchel Fred strode to it, tugging it open. He ducked through. On the other side was a long, winding corridor. It was dark. There seemed to be light at the far end so he headed towards it. Padding along it, he hummed a little Saint-Saëns under his breath. He stumbled on a loose rock and stubbed his toe.

"Ow!" He rubbed thoughtfully at his bruised toes. Why were they naked? Where were his shoes? His shoes! He had left all his clothes in the room behind him. Fred ran back up the corridor, falling over his feet in the process. The door had vanished. It was gone. The passage led only to rough rock.

"Oh shoot," he said. "Darn. Fuck."

He glanced down at his boxers. At least he had had the presence of mind to grab his weapons. And he had performed in less. With a mental shrug, Fred strode off. After some time he arrived at another door – the twin to the first. He pushed it open to reveal the rest of his party gathered on the other side. They all looked up at his entrance. Hugo let out a low whistle.

"Fred!" said Joan. "Why are you half-naked?"

"Nice tats," said Alice.

"Thank you. Um, it's a long story, love. Everyone okay?"

"Yes."

"Did you all play the Ferryman?"

"Yes," said Hugo and Epic at the same time.

"We did?" Joan turned to Fred. "All of us? I've only just arrived."

"We all played with the Ferryman?" repeated Alice. "Simultaneously? How?"

"I mean," said Hugo. "He was a talking skeleton. Why do you draw the line at that of all things? None of this is plausible."

"All of us?"

"What did you play?" asked Fred. "I mean which games did you all play?"

"Find The Lady," said Joan.

"Uno," said Hugo.

"Patience," said Epic.

"Cards Against Humanity," said Alice. "How about you?"

"Poker," said Fred. He coughed, feeling a little self-conscious, smoothing the skimpy material of his boxers over his thighs.

"Did any of you get XP?" asked Joan. "For winning?" They all shook their heads. "That's odd," she said. "What was the point? At least you all got a bit of your HP back with the rest."

"I guess," said Fred. "Where to next?"

"There," said Joan. She pointed to a large wooden sign in the shape of an arrow. Illuminated by a single torch it pointed up a flight of stairs and said: "Treasure----------->."

"Alright!" said Hugo. "Let's get cracking! What do you think the treasure is?"

"Your mum," said Alice. The two teenagers sped off, bickering.

"What are your hit points now?" asked Joan, looking at Fred with some concern.

"Ah yes," he said, "my hit points. My clothes. Damn. Silly me. Not looking so good, I'm afraid."

"Just...stay behind the rest of us," said Joan. "We'll figure something out later." She turned to Epic who was looking a bit peaky. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said Epic. But she didn't look fine. Her eyes were open a bit too wide as if she was trying not to cry. She kept blinking.

"Weird game, huh?" asked Fred.

"Yes."

"If you want to talk about it–"

"I don't."

Fred, Joan and Epic followed after Alice and Hugo, chasing the echo of their voices. The passage was dark and rocky and curved gently the leftover uneven ground. Some of the flooring was natural rock; some of it was large, uneven, slabs. Despite his state of undress, Fred was feeling more normal. The haze was lifting from his mind but tea cravings were setting in. The rock was unpleasant to walk on and he cursed the Ferryman under his breath. He managed not to hurt his feet too much. The ceiling was rising. Fred kept a weather eye on it and was rewarded by the sight of a thick, gungey spider's web that was nestled innocently in a corner. He opened his mouth to say something and was interrupted by a shriek from down the corridor.

"What's going on!" yelled Joan. "Alice? Hugo?"

"Hold up!" called Alice, her voice bouncing back along the passage, along with some rather alarming sounds. [Hugo Balls -6 Hp; Alice69 -6HP]

"What is it?" cried Fred, one foot frozen in mid-air.

"Booby traps!" yelled Hugo. "We just lost a ton of HP."

"Are you two okay?" shouted Joan. There was a muffled giggle.

"Fine," said Hugo. "We are fine."

"Just... don't step on the trip wires," called Alice. "Or the flagstones with skulls on them..."

"Oh, honestly," said Epic.

The three remaining members of the party peered at the flooring ahead. Some of the slabs did, indeed have pictograms worked into them. The closest was engraved with a grinning death's head. To avoid the pictogram they would have to hop around sideways. But it didn't look too difficult.

"Or the ones with spiders on," called Hugo. "Particularly don't stand on that one. And er...hurry up."

The three adults exchanged glances and hefted their weapons.

"It would help if we could see properly," muttered Joan. "We need a light spell as well." She lifted torches off the wall and passed them to Fred and Epic. Carefully, they inched forward along the rocky passage, stepping awkwardly amongst the booby-trapped slabs. They were doing fine until Epic stumbled and stepped on a tile. Something shifted. Cavities opened in the wall spraying her with pellets. She was caught in the open with nowhere to duck.

[Epic Failure -5 HP]

"Damnit! That hurt."

"Whoops," said Fred.

"Get a move on!" shouted Alice.

They rounded a corner and ground to a halt. Fred rested his rolling pin on his shoulder and let out a big, belly laugh. Hugo and Alice were both plastered halfway up a wall with what looked like nasty, sticky spider web.

"We are a teeny bit stuck," yelled Hugo.

"Don't just stand there gawking," said Alice. "There's a spider coming!"

"Hurry!" said Hugo, wiggling his toes, and squirming. "Behind you!"

There was indeed a dog-sized spider was crawling down the wall towards them, its red eyes gleaming. Joan and Fred made short work of it, gaining some XP and losing some HP.

"Fred," said Joan, flicking her hair out of her eyes. "You were supposed to hang back."

"Oops," said Fred, staring down at his boxes.

"Getting dangerously close to a respawn there," said Hugo.

"Do you want to stay on the wall?" asked Fred, annoyed. Epic went to help Alice.

"Oh noo," she said.

"What now?" asked Joan.

"I'm stuck, I'm sorry I'm such an idiot."

"Incoming!" yelled Alice. Another spider was crawling down the passage, and behind it, a host of little ones. Motioning for Fred to stay back, Joan went into the fray, walloping the spiders with her staff. She got them all, but at a price.

"Shit," said Joan, inspecting the bites on her arm. She got out some of her herbs and make herself a quick poultice. Her mouth moved as she made calculations in her head. "At this rate, we will end up respawning before we get to the end of the dungeon."

"Sorry," said Epic, downcast.

"Why?" said Fred, "you're not stuck on the wall. How are we going to get them down if it's too sticky to touch."

"Fire," said Joan. Alice sucked in a breath.

"Be careful!" said Hugo, his toes wriggling anxiously. Joan held a torch close to the web and to everyone's relief, it burnt away the viscid ropes holding him tight. He dropped to the floor. Alice and Epic got the same treatment and they were all free.

"Phew," said Alice. "That was gross."

They carried on down the passage as a group and managed to avoid any more mishaps. Everyone except Epic was running low on HP.

"We have to be careful," said Joan. "No rash moves now or we'll be back in the Meadow before we can snap our fingers."

Several, cautious minutes later their way was blocked by a heavy metal grill. Beyond was only darkness. There was a lever in the wall.

"Ready?" said Hugo. Everyone nodded. He pulled the lever down and it shifted with a satisfying thunk. Deep in the walls chains rattled. Gears started to clank. The grill inched open, creaking and groaning. The party shuffled through the archway into the dark cavern beyond and drew in a collective breath.

The chamber was of gargantuan proportions. Brazier's lit up in synchronized green fire, flaring up a roadway that beckoned them forwards. The ceiling was vaulted and so high it was lost in darkness. Stone columns lined the walls.

"Careful now," said Joan, her eyes watchful, "this stinks of a–" The grill slammed shut behind them, "–a boss fight."

At the very end of the massive chamber, a spotlight blinked on. Green lights illuminated a giant throne. On the throne was the statue of a giant skeleton. The giant skull scraped the ceiling. The spine was hunched forwards as if the statue was contemplating something. Directly in front of the skeleton, dwarfed by its height was a single gleaming instrument, raised up on a pedestal.

"Who wants to bet that's not a statue?" asked Fred.

"No one is taking that bet, Fred," said Hugo, staring up at the skeleton in awe. "Do you think that's the treasure? It looks like a trombone."

"Yaaaaay," said Alice, sarcastically. "A trombone."

"We don't know what it can do," said Joan.

"Better than maracas," said Hugo, shaking them at her. "Come on, let's get cracking."

"Careful!"

They snuck forward, slowly, slowly. Nothing happened and they all breathed a sigh of relief. When they were about halfway up the massive walkway details on the giant skeleton became a little clearer.

"Is it–"

"It's made of little skeletons isn't it."

They all stared up at it. Fred tensed. Did he see it move? No, it was as still as stone. It was so enormous that from a distance it had looked like one huge creature. From here they could see the patchwork – scores, hundreds of skeletons arranged and clinging together to form the skeleton of a giant. He gulped and wished he had not left his clothes and bucket behind. The chamber was still as a tomb. They edged forwards, eyes on the giant. Fred stubbed his toe and swore. He looked down and noticed the flagstones were no longer smooth and innocent. As he noticed Epic stepped onto one of them. It sank, rattling into the ground. Somewhere in the walls, there was a dull, mechanical thud. Fred began to get Temple of Doom sweats. They all froze. Waiting. The giant skeleton overlord started to shake.

"Oh no," said Epic, her face losing all colour. Everyone stared up at the rattling bones. Slowly, the monstrosity rose to its feet. A thousand sightless skulls turned towards them.

"Oh no," said Epic again. "I can't believe this. After all we've come through." She had tears in her eyes.

"I mean," said Fred, "there was no way that thing was just gonna still there while we–"

"I can't believe I fucked up again," said Epic. She was shaking. Her hands gripping the ladle of destiny were white at the knuckles. Fred looked between her and the giant. It took a rumbling, clattering step towards them.

"There is no way we are gonna survive this fight," said Alice, merrily. She switched her dagger backwards and forwards.

"It's all my fault," said Epic.

"It's okay," said Joan. "I mean we might not make it but still we've–"

"Next you're gonna say something like, it's not the treasure that matters it's the friends we make along the way," Epic's cheeks were so pale she was almost the same colour as the skeletons themselves. The same colour as the massive, advancing monstrosity. As it took another step towards them all the skulls started chittering, their jawbones bouncing up and down.

"Well, I was gonna say it was the skill points and the X–"

The giant took another step. Where its feet stumped on the ground it left a trail of bones. These quickly reassembled into normal-sized skeletons which jumped up and ambled along after the massive construct.

"Well, not all of us have friends. Not all of us have people we can rely on. Some of us are alone."

"Were alone," said Joan quietly, but she shut her mouth as Epic whirled, her eyes crazy.

"It sucks," she said, very quietly. "I fuck everything up. Just by existing." The giant was almost upon them.

"Um, guys," said Alice, urgently.

"No," said Fred, soothingly. Or at least he thought it was soothing. "No, don't be silly. It'll work out in the end. You'll see. Everything will be okay. But we should probably–"

"Sometimes," Epic screamed, rounding on him, "sometimes it isn't okay! Sometimes you can't solve your problems with yoga and a facial!"

"I didn't–" Boom. The ground vibrated. "Um," said Fred, not wanting to interrupt what was clearly an intense moment for Epic.

"We're going to die, aren't we," said Hugo, regretfully. He looked at the shiny trombone on its platform. So close and yet so far.

"Look on the bright side! Be grateful. A little positive thinking! Gah! Adjust your mindset. Just smile. Smile and you'll feel better. Do you know how much nicer you look when you smile? Everything happens for a reason. Change your attitude!" The first normal-sized skeleton was within striking distance and Epic hit it in the pelvis with her fist. It shattered into pieces."Your pain is in your mind! Just. Harness. The. Power. Of. Positive. Thinking. But sometimes." She whacked a skeleton with each word, pounding them into the ground with the strength of her blows. But the big one was nearly there. Fred tightened his grip on his rolling pin and hoped respawning wasn't painful. "Sometimes it isn't okay! Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes it's not your fault! No matter how much broccoli you eat!"

"Let it all out, hon," said Hugo.

[Epic Failure Berserker Rage Activated!]

"What?" said Joan.

Epic swung her bag over her head like the blades of a helicopter and rampaged towards the legs of the giant skeleton. She crashed through the right leg scattering bones as she went.

[Epic Failure +25 XP]

The giant roared, sinking to going down onto one knee. It lifted one massive fist towards her but she was too fast, barreling through the other leg. Bones rained down on the open-mouthed party.

[Epic Failure +30XP].

Epic stood in the middle of the chamber and screamed, swinging her bag over her head. Once the bag had reached terminal velocity she was off again, screeching and screaming as she bashed her way through the horde of skeletons.

"I think she's forgotten she has a weapon," said Fred, musingly to Joan who was standing there with her mouth open.

"Wow," said Alice.

"How is she doing that? With her bag I mean?"

Carefully, Joan swung her own satchel at a skeleton. The material hit the creature's ribcage with a dull thump. It turned its eyeless sockets to glare balefully. Joan finished it off with her staff.

[Joan of Snark +5XP].

Meanwhile Epic was making short work of the skeleton army.

"It'll all be fine!" SWING. Bones went flying like skittles. "Everything is good!" WHACK. [Epic Failure +2 +2 +5+ 2 + 5 +15XP] She stood in the middle of the wreckage of bones, breathing heavily.

"Are you gonna let me have all the fun?" she yelled, her cheeks pink. "Get in here you arsehats!"

"Oh wow," said Alice, again.

"Better do as she says," said Fred, and ran gleefully into the fray, his boxers flapping.

It wasn't much of a fight, with Epic dealing such massive damage, but it was a fun one. The giant was slow moving, and the skeletons had an annoying habit of reassembling but the party was quicker and Epic was an absolute terror. A short while later they stood ankle deep in bones, breathing hard.

"You do the honours," said Joan, nodding at the gleaming instrument on its pedestal.

Blushing, Epic leaned up and plucked the trombone from its spot. There was a rolling crescendo of sound. A disco ball descended from the ceiling.

[QUEST COMPLETE Skeleton Gorge and Trombone of Orpheus! All Party members +20XP]

[Epic Failure Level Up!]

[Epic Failure Level Up!]

[Joan of Snark Level Up!]

[The Fredinator Level Up!]

[Congratulations! Tutorial Mode Over. Initiating Full Game Play]

[Please Exit Via the Gift Shop]

Joan of Snark Lvl 4

XP: 80

HP: 18/56

Epic Failure Lvl 4

XP: 160

HP: 14/49

The Fredinator Lvl 3

XP:80

HP: 2/13

Hugo Balls Lvl 2

XP: 70

HP: 5/16

Alice69 Lvl 2

XP: 62

HP: 1/12