Episode 1 Part 1: The Legend Re-begins Once Again

There I was, standing face to face with my archenemy. Blood dripped out from our wounds and down to out fingertips like the way paint drips down a grimy wall. We stared at each other with a single drowsy eye. Either of us could slip into the next world at any moment. I wasn’t about to give up. Everyone was counting on me, even if they weren’t aware of it. But let’s pointlessly go back to a time before this. Now that I’ve got your attention, let’s go to a time where I was just an average kid armed only with bravery and dreams of adventure! This is the story of how I became the world’s greatest hero!

Oh, crap! I just spoiled the ending. Damn it. No wait, does that make it edgy? Maybe I should rephrase it.

This is the story of how I became the Main Character King!

“I look into the sunlight…ow! I burnt my eyes. And now I’m running down an endless path pointlessly…pointlessly. Now there’s a slide show of a bunch of people I don’t know. And it’s ruining who joins up on my team. Damn Spoilers! Then my hand is reaching out to the sky. That’s so deep! Now all the villains are taking up my screen-time! But then I jump in and punch them with my spiky hair. I’m now clenching my fist on top of a mountain of graves. Holy shit that’s some awesome symbolism! I’m then knocked back. I wipe off the blood off my cheek and then I run forth and punch with all my might! No matter what I won’t die! And there is only one reason why. It’s because I’m The Main Character! Me me me! The Main Character! Hell’s yeah! I’m The Main Character!”

“Stop right there. How much longer does this go on?” asks my best friend, looking up at me from the comfort of my lap.

I comb back my sexy spiky hair and respond. “Thirty more times. I needed to fill it in so it was a whole two and a half minutes like the new One Place openings!” I exclaim in a confident, charismatic and subtly sexy voice.

“And what is the significance of all this?” asks my best friend in a dark, whispery and depressed voice.

“I’ve been dreaming of another new world. One where I totally kick ass! Wouldn’t it be awesome to inexplicably be transported to an alternate dimension?” I ask with shimmering eyes.

“Whatever keeps you going…I guess,” says my best friend before cutting his wrist with a straight razor.

“Hey man, what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing of importance,” he says with quivering eyes.

“Put that frown away.” I bend over and tickle his sides.

He cackles demonically as he squirms around. “St-Stop,” he says, blushing a deep crimson.

Aww, he’s like a clawless kitten when he’s like this.

“Sorry for being so negative.” He smiles at me. “How can I help?”

“Do you think that song will work for our ViralPool opening if I spice in some clips from previous episodes?” I ask, scrolling through our past anime reviews.

“Your devotion shall give it new life,” he says, beaming at me with those gorgeous intense red eyes.

Damn, I kind of just threw my audience in the middle of a scene without any exposition. My name is The Main Character. You’re probably wondering if that’s my real name. Well both my parents are gone, so I don’t know what my real name is. I chose this name and hopefully that will also give me the power to choose my own destiny.

Now you get to hear about what I look like because I don’t have money for an animator. I look about as Asian as most anime heroes. I have bright orange spiky hair and an insatiable appetite. My eyes are…hazel I think. I wear a fashion forward pink and blue ahego shirt. Let’s see, what else? Oh yeah, I’m a sadomasochist and a delinquent. I’m also an epic otaku neet virgin! I believe in justice. I have a starfish shaped birthmark at my power center. I love going on aimless bizarre adventures. Oh, and I’m really laid back and cool. You may be wondering where I got these sexy muscles from. I’m always sparring with my best friend just like a certain brotherly duo of alchemists so I’m both ripped and experienced in combat.

Best Friend sat up, his shoulders still drooping. His sleek jet-black hair has droplets of blood in it and covers one of his eyes. Don’t ask me how he got permanent blood stains in his hair. Every time I ask him…he just smiles. It’s kind of scary. He wears a black pleather jacket with chains and metal studs. His torn jeans have impractical zippers and belts all around it. Oh, and he’s a whole five inches taller than me! My best friend is sixteen years old and we’ve been together ever since we were babies. He doesn’t use his real name because it reminds him of that fateful day. “What are you thinking about?” he asks, tilting his head and staring at me fondly.

“I’m thinking about what anime to watch next,” I say, picking up the remote and scrolling through the new hot trash to find a hidden gem. “Any suggestions?”

“Blood, gore and family bonding,” he says with a gentle smile.

“Well there’s another new Devil Manchild! Let’s watch that!”

Best Friend rests his head in my lap. “Perfect choice.”

My senses went on high alert. An adult had entered the room.

“Main, breakfast is ready.” The woman’s name was Linda, but I had my own nickname for her. Since she’s slightly relevant I’ll give her a character description. She has long locks of red curly hair, eyes of an unimportant color that always look down on me through her rectangular spectacles.

“Yeah, Old Hag. I know it’s ready. But I’m busy,” I say, putting my feet up on the adjacent sofa.

“It would be good for you to spend time with the other kids. It’s Jeremy’s birthday,” she says, trying to wound me with a guilt drill.

“You know how much I hate birthdays,” I say in a voice teeming with angst.

Here’s the thing. I am actually only four years old! I know, I’m hot. The reason I don’t look four is because I was born on a leap year. And because of that I’ve always had less presents than the other kids. Being unique and awesome has its major downsides sadly.

“It would mean a lot to him if you showed up. We are going to have some cupcakes after breakfast,” says Old Hag with a big smile.

Holy shit, they have cupcakes!

My eyes light up but Best Friend gives me an intense look.

“After the opening song? Okay?” I say, putting my hands behind my head like a carefree badass.

Best Friend pinches my sides. “You’ve been cheating, haven’t you?”

I can’t bear to look into those disapproving eyes.

“You thought I wouldn’t notice,” he says in a solemn tone.

Eeesh! Unlike her, he knows how to guilt trip me.

“I can’t help but like sweets. I’m a teenager,” I said, sinking into the couch.

“Tsunderes and muscle men love sweets. You’re neither, so don’t pretend it’s part of your larping alias,” says Best Friend, grabbing my cheeks and turning me to face him. “Your health is a serious thing.”

I turn around to see Old Hag was still standing there. “What do you want, woman?”

“I want you to respect me and the other orphans,” she says, turning off the TV.

Oh crap! Did I mention that I’m at an orphanage? Well I am. This place is my only home. Lost Keys Orphanage is a rundown ugly grey building where kids get dropped off as often as they leave. I don’t have a freaking clue which generic kid Jeremy is and frankly I couldn’t care less. Side characters come and go so why bother making friends?

“Don’t ignore me,” she said, sticking her finger in my face.

“I want you to get off my back, Old Hag. I don’t care about a bunch of normies. I already said I’ll be there after the opening.” I snatch the controller from her hand with my Saiyam-like reflexes.

“We have to cut the budget, Main. I know how much entertainment means to you but we can’t keep paying for your monthly streaming service,” she says with a sweet smile that betrayed her cut-throat words.

My blood froze like the panoramic action shots from Very Tail.

“Anime is life not mere entertainment! This isn’t one of your wannabe 80’s style Netfilms series; this is legit storytelling with plentiful panty shots!”

“I’m not punishing you. We took it to a vote and Netfilms won out. We only have enough money in our budget for one service. They still have your Japanese animes so what’s the problem?”

Oh my god! Only total noobs call them Japanese animes. I feel tainted being under the same roof as this plebian.

“So what? I’m supposed to Spike Seagull with illegal odd jobs so you don’t pull the plug on me?” I ask her with a grimace.

Not that he ever ends up making money without Bae Valentine spending it.

“Drop the attitude, kid,” she says with a stern look.

“Eight dollars a month, right?” Best Friend stood up before walking out of the room.

Eight times twelve equals…a shit ton more money than I have!

I follow him. “Are we going bounty hunting?”

“You’re staying home to set up our queue for the month.” He ruffles my hair but doesn’t smile.

“You’ve been training me! I’m ready to go out crime fighting with you.”

“Martial arts are for self-defense not gaudy tournaments or vigilante work,” says Best Friend, checking the sharpness of his throwing knives.

“Hey, you always shower when you come back. You’re in there for hours and you never let me in. You don’t have to shoulder the burden alone. We’re a two-man Supah Sentai,” I say, putting out my hand.

He places his hand atop mine and his pale cheeks light up. “I will return.”

The old hag comes out from behind us. “Hold up!”

“Anime is our only escape from a world that sees us as discarded trash. Taking that away is like taking a child away from their parents.” He turns to me. “I’m going to get you that money,” says Best Friend with that intense gaze that makes me tremble.

The doorbell suddenly rang. Something inside me told me that the person on the other side would change my life forever.

Oh yeah. That’s how you build suspense!

Old Hag swung open the door. “Welcome to Lost Keys. How can I help you?”

A man in a cozy sweater and his sexy brunette wife light up upon seeing me.

“Well, my lovely husband and I were hoping to have a little one to keep us company.”

“The orphans are in the kitchen,” says Best Friend, pointing with a throwing knife.

The woman bends down and looks at me with hope in her eyes. “You’re a Scorpio, aren’t you?”

She’s absolutely right. Since it was my favorite celestial spirit, I had decided to be a Scorpio. I honestly had no clue what my actual astrological sign was.

“You dare tarnish his name with your toxic labels?” asks Best Friend, giving the woman a murderous stare.

Whoa! This is escalating quickly! Time for the Main Character to diffuse the situation.

“You guessed right! I’m a Scorpio! We are!” I exclaim, doing a rocker pose and sticking my tongue out.

The woman wiped her eyes. “Rover was our child…and a Scorpio. The home is just too lonely without our dear Rover around. Miss, we’d like to take this one. Money is no object,” says the lady, taking out her husband’s wallet from his pocket.

Yeesh. Marriage ain’t like it is in anime, that’s for sure. That guy is more whipped than Dracula from Castlemania!

Best Friend’s gaze lightens. “Rover wasn’t your child. He was a dog that filled the gap in your life. There are plenty of dogs at the local shelter. It’s called Paws for Peace, I can escort you there.”

The wife’s eyes flare up with justice. “How dare you assume Rover’s sex and species! She’s a cat for your information!” She turns to her man slave. “Tell him, honey bun.”

“Rover was an angel. A gift from god,” says the man in monotone.

We get all sorts of weirdos showing up here but these two are special.

Old Hag waves at the couple to get their attention. “Maybe a cat is more what you’re looking for to replace Rover.”

“Nothing could replace Rover! She was so pure!” wailed the wife, sobbing on her husband’s arm. “We only want the boy to lessen the pain.”

What am I a freaking pillow!?

Old Hag turns to the ruckus in the kitchen. “Sorry. If you’ll excuse me.” She rushes off to check on the side characters.

Best Friend flicks his wrist to reveal a hidden blade. “If you don’t want to join Rover prematurely, follow me to the pet shelter. Main isn’t going with you.”

The husband grabs his wife’s hand. “Don’t you threaten my wife.” He unfolds his hands and shows off that he’s missing a pinky. “You don’t want to mess with me, little boy.”

Great! He’s a freaking gangster! This is so not good!

“Got in trouble for treachery, eh? I wouldn’t flaunt your mistakes.” Best Friend points his hidden blade at the man’s other hand. “You know, I could make you symmetrical.”

The wife shoves her man aside. “We’ll come back later. We shouldn’t miss Gerald’s barbeque.”

They walk out, hand in hand.

Best Friend put away his blade. “Disgusting hypocrites. Care so much for dogs while feasting on the flesh of other animals.”

“You’re not going after them?” I ask, mostly relieved.

“If they return, their tomboy cat will be reunited with them.” He spins the blade on his finger.

A tomboy cat-girl would be so hot!

“Main, you there?” asks Best Friend, tapping my forehead.

Old Lady came returned, smelling like cupcakes. “Those two were certainly interesting,” she says with a chuckle. “I’d never let my little orphans be pets.” She pats my head. “You’re humans not animals, after all.”

Best Friend walks off.

“What are you so happy about, Old Hag?”

“Well, I just checked the mail and there was a letter written to you. There’s exactly ninety-six dollars inside the letter. That’s exactly the amount you need to cover the price of your SquishyRoll subscription!”

“You searched through his mail?” asks Best Friend with dark eyes. “Also, look here.” He opens up a biology book. “Humans are from the kingdom Animalia. We are animals, period.”

“Oh, you know what I meant.” She crouches down and smiles at me. “Looks like you’ll get your anime streaming, after all.”

Okay so she’s being all secretive about this but I bet you anything the old hag is the one who put the money in the envelope. The timing and the amount are both too perfect.

Best Friend snatches the envelope from my grip. He turns it around and inspects it. “No name.”

“Relax, Old Hag obviously did it,” I say.

“She’s done many good things, but not once has she given us actual money,” says Best Friend, peeking outside the windows.

“So, how about breakfast?” asks Old Hag with a smile.

“No need. I’ll feed him,” says Best Friend, putting a stick of celery in my mouth.

I wish he wouldn’t baby me all the time.

“We gotta go if we don’t want to miss the bus.” I went in the fridge, put a piece of bread in my mouth and ran off.

And now for a quick commercial break. Just kidding! This is my story and I don’t want you missing half of it because of a shopping impulse. No product placement allowed. Let the program resume.

You’re probably wondering what kind of cool school the Main Character goes too. Well, sadly it’s nothing special. No teachers who teach elite kids how to use their super powers; no ninja exams and sadly it’s not an all-girls school where I’m the only boy. It’s a boring normal grade school called Watson Elementary. I think the board room that came up with the name thought they were comedians or something. Anyways, I’m currently repeating the third grade.

My eyes glaze over as the teacher repeats what he says like a freaking Pocketmon.

I’ve lost track of how many years I’ve been stuck in this stale classroom. I hardly fit in this tiny desk. The only thing unique about the class room is the seven-year old college student we have for a teacher. He’s currently teaching us to how get a grant for having multiple internships or something. The moron doesn’t realize he’s speaking to a bunch of grade schoolers.

“Pay attention Kenneth, you aren’t special,” he says, tossing a piece of chalk at me.

How dare he use a fake name to address me!

I catch the chalk in my hand and flick it back at him.

I am special! Just like the OG Black Swordsman, I was born an orphan. My mother gave birth on a train and I was shot out the window by her at conception. Luckily my supposed parents gave me a third of a heart shaped amulet. I guess they wanted me to always keep false hope that one day we’ll be reunited. My circumstantial birth is the beginning of my story, unless you count past lives of course. In which case I was absolutely a wolf searching for Paradise!

The teacher stands on his tip-toes to address the class. “School won’t pay the bills. You’ll need a job so I’ll be giving you tips on how to breach into joining a business.”

My teacher has a real name, but it’s no more significant than he is. He isn’t a magical European boy who can flip skirts just by sneezing. He’s not an ex-biker gang boss, a bored smiley-faced alien or even a ditzy boobtastic bombshell. He’s just a quirkless normie that scored high on an IQ test because of his Ultimate Luck talent. I call the little twerp Glasses Kid. You can’t see him behind that large podium, but he has short white hair and light blue eyes that look really huge because of his oversized glasses. He wears a stupid graduation hat and a buttoned up midnight blue business suit. Look at that smug little smile. He thinks he’s so damn smart!

Eh, but enough about the short stack. Let’s talk more about Best Friend - the only one besides me who actually matters! He’s kind of suicidal. In fact, he’s told me numerous times that he lives on only because of his tragic past. Until he fulfills some vague goal, he won’t be able to die in peace. I have a feeling his goal is to finally graduate from the Third Grade. That’s why I’ve stolen his text books and set fire to his scantrons.

Man, I’m really a great friend. But I can’t take it anymore! I have to escape this place. I’ve tried to burn down the school several times, but I always get caught. If I had the Escape Diary it would be no problem, but until Murmur shows up, I’m stuck here. That’s why I decided to finally study. This is going to be the year I graduate and fulfill my dream of going to Tokyo U! Best Friend and I made a promise to pass together! We’re going to do it! And then we’re going to get married and have a ton of kids!

Holy crap, I just jumped the gun.

Let me introduce you to the final important character.

“Sticky Fingers!” I exclaim with a dramatic pose.

I unzip my backpack and place my hand on my girlfriend.

Sure she’s grafted onto a sticky hug pillow, but that doesn’t change that we’ve watched fire-works, sunsets, snuggle every night and best of all she never tells me about her feelings. I don’t actually know what anime she’s from, probably something really niche’ but awesome like Assault on Titan. I don’t know her real name, but her tits are so massive that they completely cover her face and most of her torso. Being the master wordsmith that I am, I’ve decided to call her Boobs. She’s eighteen because I say so and her hair is blonde. She always whispers sweet nothings to me whenever I need her and by that I mean she doesn’t say anything. She is a pillow, after all. One day I will have to abandon her sadly. I must grow more powerful if I am to defeat the NHK.

“Breasts and women should have no power over Main Character!” I exclaim, standing up from my desk.

The other kids laugh at me and I sit down with embarrassment.

Best Friend shoots them a dark glare and they stop immediately.

Everyone else here is so insignificant that my mind doesn’t even see the point in making out their eyes. I normally just see a blank face and a mouth when they talk. Why should I waste brain power animating extras? They’re all a bunch of stupid little brats anyways. No eye candy here unless you’re Adam Blaze, Gogo Shiojji or Deceivant Kagaku.

Oh crap! Glasses kid is calling out our final grades! I better pay attention.

“I believe in you Main. I know you studied hard,” says a random classmate in front of me.

Wait, she believes in me…I need to introduce her. I’m animating her eyes in. Okay, she has hair covering her eyes and its color is

Oh crap, the teacher just said Best Friend’s grade.

“An F+…I’ve improved. I’m now a slightly better failure.” Best Friend grips his face and chuckles to himself. “I need some new razors. My blood has made these ones too rusty.” He removes his hand and beams at me. “Looks like we’ll be spending another year together.”

What if I pass? I don’t want to graduate without him! Who will give me kisses goodnight? Who will wash my back with his tongue? And who will massage my ego!? Damn it, I won’t even have a warm body to cuddle naked with when the orphanage gets cold.

I get out from my tiny plastic chair. I run up to the teacher and pick him up by his collar. “Alright, Glasses Kid, tell me my grade, or the suspense will kill you!”

“You got a D-…you almost passed. I gave you a C in effort though. I could tell you actually sorta tried this year,” he says with a stupid smile and a nerdy, goofy, phlegmy voice. He pats my head, embarrassing me in front of everyone.

I toss him back down and run to Best Friend. I bend down and grab his soft hands.

“Let’s promise to graduate together… and actually do it this time!” I exclaim with awesome conviction.

“Alright, after all… there’s still something I must accomplish,” says Best Friend, clenching his chest.

We stood there locked in each-others entrancing gaze like the queer hetero ice skaters from Yaoi On Ice.

The nice girl from earlier pops up behind me like a Fuko projection. “Don’t worry, I know you can do it! I’ve watched you study and I know you’ll make it next year,” she says with much admiration and a bit of drool.

She may be taking up my screen time, but she is talking about me. I guess I should give her a name. Something about her feels kinda familiar.

“Um…who are you again, girlie?” I ask, scratching my head.

“I’m your childhood friend.” She clasps her hands together and leans toward me. “I won’t ever forget the promise you made that day. I’ve done everything so I can become someone worthy of your feelings,” she says before hiding her face under hands.

Who the hell is this girl? She says she’s my childhood friend, but she seems more like a stalker. Good thing I always have a gun with me inside Boobs.

“So Stalker, what was the promise?” I ask her while taking off my Kamia shades.

“You do remember!” She squeals before running off back to her seat.

Wait her seat was right in front of me! And it’s facing me! How long has she been here? Either way it looks like she’s going to graduate. Lucky little bitch got an A.

I guess I should add her to the character roster. Alright, she has curly red hair, tan skin and light pink lips. She’s wearing the light blue school’s uniform and has a Mokuuna backpack. I don’t mind having another adoring fan, especially one who acts like a typical girl from a romance anime. Yeah, I know I’m far beyond common tropes, but the fact that she’s acting this way in real life makes her unique in my eyes.

“So, do you want to walk home together again?” asks Stalker in a cutesy wispy and mumbly voice.

Wait, we’ve done that before?

“Yep. Every day since the First grade.”

No. That’s not creepy at all.

“Where do you live?” I ask with a nervous look.

She tilts her head and her eyes go vacant. “Why with you of course, darling.”

She lives with me? This is insane! Just who the hell is this girl? Geez she’s like Yuno Goresai but the non-legal version, which deletes the only reason to make her my girlfriend!

“When did we meet?”

“You’re a legend! The Main Character! I’ve watched all your videos and I’m always the first to comment.”

Thank goodness she’s just a fan girl. I can handle this.

“Are you AngelLolipop8?” I ask with wide eyes.

“Yuppers!” she exclaims, leaping into a hug.

Awww, she’s not so bad. She’s my number one patron. She’s been a fan since our very first video. It’s actually really cool meeting her in person. Too bad she isn’t a total hottie with a sexy burn mark.

“Thanks for all the support.”

“You’re welcome. This is so awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!” she cheers, swinging around as she hugs me.

“What was your favorite video review?” I ask with a confident grin.

She smiles at me warmly. “Kodomo no Chikan!”

I pull her arms off and set her back in her chair.

“Hey, master. Guess what…I’m not wearing any underwear,” says my Stalker in a super innocent voice, making it all the more unsettling.

What is cute in anime is really creepy in real life.

Deep breaths Main, focus your Nen. She’s just a kid…ugh but that’s the problem! Alright, just a few minutes left and then its summer time. Best Friend and I are so going to the beach tomorrow. We’ll splash each other with water while giggling like little girls. Then we’ll rub oil on each other’s backs with our bare bodies. After that we’ll chase all the chicks in swimsuits! And when that’s over we’ll spend the night in a hotel. We’ll be pillow fighting till the sun comes up. This summer is going to be awesome!

Well, well, look at the time. The bell should ring any moment and then it’s the start of my vacation! I just hope the ominous swirling stormy clouds outside aren’t a premonition of what’s to come. Oh well, there’s only a minute left of class. What could possibly happen?

Episode 1 Part 2: The Death of the Main Character

That title is really making me uneasy. The letters are red like blood. Some bad shit is going to happen, I just know it.

The ominous clouds outside became even darker and more foreboding.

“Main, don’t worry. I’ll protect you, Nyo,” says Stalker, snuggling up to my arm.

“It is my duty to protect him, not yours,” says Best Friend, tearing her off me.

“Why didn’t you act sooner?” I ask him with a look of concer

“I was examining her intentions. She seems harmless enough.” He turns to the girl. “If you try to take advantage of him or kidnap him, you’ll lose a finger. I’ll let you pick which one.”

She giggles and slugs him playfully. “I’ll be a good girl.”

Oh, I should check the status of our newest review.

I reach behind Boobs and pull out my tablet. It was a gift from Best Friend on my second birthday. I freaked out when he gave it to me because there was someone’s severed hand clenching it. Thankfully, after we broke the grip with some pliers and cleaned the screen, there weren’t any fingerprint stains on it.

I open up our new video to see a big red flag.

“Did we stir the pot too much?” asks Best Friend with a curious look.

Sure Seven-Hundred Deadly Plot Devices is treasured by newbie weeaboos, but that usually just nets us a couple thousand dislikes. I praised the fun characters and backstory but Best Friend nitpicked it to hell and brought our rating down to an ‘only watch once’. Why was our video review taken down? I know we said Lizabeth is not consent, but the anti-SJWs shouldn’t have the authority to remove our hard work.

I go to our archive.

Flagged, they’re all flagged. It’s over.

“Is everything alright, darling?” asks Stalker, patting my head with a crazed grin.

Article 13…did it pass? Is the world of free streaming over? This can’t be real.

I turn to Best Friend. “Double suicide doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.”

Yeah! That’s it! I have a knife; he has a knife. We both try to plunge it in, but I love him too much. Then I confess my love to him as I blank out. Then the two of us meet up in heaven and lose our virginity in an X-rated OVA! It’s not ideal, but it’s our only option.

“I know what will cheer you up. We can watch Brigadoom together!” exclaims Stalker with a girly twirl.

“No! What’s the point of watching things I love if I can’t trash them in low budget video reviews? What’s the point of love without hate?” I ask, clenching my sides in tears.

The title was right. This really is the death of the Main Character. My ViralPool channel persona is dead. I’ve been living as him so long…I don’t know how to be anyone else! Is this what Rorshank felt when his world crumbled?

The bell rang and the lights went out.

“Everyone remain calm,” says Glasses Kid before screaming out in agony.

The lights came back up and a hooded figure was holding Glasses Kid’s head.

It was so surreal. Like an overly gruesome chapter of Battle Royalty. His vacant eyes still looked smug to me.

I’m dreaming right? Wouldn’t be the first time I dozed off in class.

The figure turns its attention to me. Under the hood was a collection of stars.

This thing was unearthly.

Okay, there are two options! One: he’s going to select me to be in the next Queens’ Blade. But considering the newest reboot and the fact that I have a penis, that seems unlikely. Option two: he’s going to kill me!

A dagger shoots out from its long white sleeves. Best Friend jumps in front of me and grabs the knife.

“I won’t let you destroy my life,” he says softly as he drags the knife across his chest.

“Do you trust me, sensei?” asks Stalker, looking directly into my eyes.

What the hell is going on? What do I say? Should I trust her? I hardly even know her!

Am I going to die here? Well at least I’ll make the headlines. Wait, Glasses Kid was already killed. What if his death is the highlight of the news report? Shit, he’s a kid! Those always get the spotlight in these kinda scenarios, hence the Lost Child arc. I can’t worry about that. Right now I need to make sure no one else dies. I can’t allow them to steal my flair.

“Hey Red Man, stay away from my little chick!” Best Friend tosses the knife right back at the creature. It absorbs the knife in its cloak. It then put out its sleeves. Knives shoot out faster than my fear could seize me. I watch in futility as my fellow classmates are slaughtered. I still can’t make out their eyes, but their blood is as clear as crystal.

This isn’t a joke. This is real. They’re dead. No. They can’t all be dead.

I turn to see that a few of them are bleeding but still alive.

What is this horrible feeling? Is this what people call a conscience? Damn it, seeing little kids suffering makes me think of Uchio! She was too young to die! My eyes are watering up. I can’t see shit!

I wipe the tears from my eyes.

I wanted to be a hero, right? Well now’s my chance. These kids need me.

I toss two tiny desks at the assailant. “You want the Azure, right! Well it’s right here!” I pound my fist against my chest.

“You’re incredible,” says Stalker with love-struck eyes.

“I’ll distract him. You save the kids, alright?” I ask, deflecting an incoming tentacle blade with a chair.

“I won’t abandon you,” she says, reaching for my hand. “Will you accept my help?”

For some reason I feel like I’m about to make a contract with a cute but deadly otherworldly entity.

“Watch out!” yells Best Friend.

Oh shit! Four blades are coming straight for me.

Best Friend leapt in front of me. His body was suspended in the air. serving as my shield. The blades had pierced him, but it wasn’t fatal.

Stalker was still staring at me, waiting for my response. I turn to her, mustering up all my bravery.

“If I die now, I’ll just be another statistic. If you can save my life, I will entrust it to you,” I say with incredible firmness.

Am I going to end up becoming a magical girl because of this? Whatever, I’ll gladly wear a frilly skirt it if it can save my best friend!

Stalker smiles and then takes out a Taser. The bitch fries me while still giving me a warm smile.

I try to get up, but it’s no use.

She walks straight up to the cloaked figure. “Dad, he’s the one you want. No one else here matters,” she says, pointing right at me.

That thing is her father. W.T.F. seriously! This has got to be one f’ed up dream I’m having. Please Lord Madarara, let this just be a Sharingun hallucination.

Best Friend slices the tendrils that pierced him and rolls out of the way of the next attack. “So, you finally reveal your true feelings. I had a feeling you would strike today. I already warned you, Stalker.”

Why does everyone know what’s going on but me?

“Lets do it, Cerberus!” Best Friend pulls out dual handguns, one red and black and the other black and white. “I said that if you tried to kill Main, I’d murder you like I did my parents.” He shoots her right in the chest.

This all feels so wrong. I know he was defending me…but, she’s just a kid. Ugh, why am I getting flashes of Riika’s tattered corpse.

“Big brother is mine! Once he’s dead, we’ll be together forever!” she exclaims, crawling up to me and leaving behind a smear of pink blood.

“Best Friend, what the hell is she?” I ask him in horror.

“She’s your enemy and I am your ally,” he says, tossing a gun to me. Best Friend shoots a tendril, ducks under a second one and then throws a knife right at Stalker’s head.

Just before the dagger could make contact with her skull, the girl was sliced in half by the cloaked man. Her two severed halves reached out to me before collapsing into a puddle of blood.

“What do you want with me? You just killed your daughter, you sick bastard!” I point the gun right at him. “Leave now and I’ll let you live.”

My hands are trembling. Why can’t I pull the trigger? Heroes are supposed to be fearless, goddamn it! Goku, please lend me your energy of give me a goddamn sensu bean!

“With your death…salvation!” exclaims the attacker, raising his sleeves.

Tentacles shoot out and pull in the bodies of my fellow classmates.

Damn it. These tentacles are being wasted here. There’s an all girls high-school just up the road. Okay seriously, I’m really freaking out here. Why are the faces of my classmates materializing now that they’re twisted with fear and pain? I have to do something. I have to at least try to save them!

I fire the entire clip into the tentacles, saving a handful of kids instead of ending the life of the enemy.

My mind flashes to a moment when Best Friend and I were sparring shirtless.

“Remember, Main. A true hero should try to save the most lives, not everyone. Following Shirow Emiya’s footsteps will only lead you to ruin.”

He looks so radiant, like a Hamom master. How could he be dying?

Metallic wings sprout from my assailant’s arms before they shoot out toward me.

The impact shakes me back to my senses.

“Main, live on.” Best Friend smiles lovingly as he pulls off his shirt. He was strapped from head to toe with grenades. “I’ve always been ready to die for you. It was living for you that was truly painful. As long as you’re safe, my life has purpose. I’m sorry, you’ll have to graduate without me.”

What is he doing?

Best Friend rushes toward the assailant, beads of sweat making his chest sparkle.

“You cannot die! You are the source of his power!” exclaims the assassin.

His tentacles sharpen as his bladed fingers grab onto Best Friend’s neck. Another bladed tentacle slices the grenade vest off.

No! No. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

I pull the trigger but there aren’t any bullets left. I spent them saving a few kids and for what? This monster is going to kill them all anyways. I tried to be a hero and now I’m going to lose him.

In the end I’m just a dumb kid playing dress up.

Best Friend fires a final bullet into the assailant’s cloak.

Purple blood sprays out from the wound, melting the ground as it touches it.

“Run.” My best friend is cut to ribbons before my eyes. Even in death he has such divine elegance. Each shred of him glistens in the sunlight and waves in the wind like a beautiful red snowflake.

Killing off characters in the first episode is just a cheap edge-lord technique. There wasn’t time for the viewers to get attached. He deserved a better death, like Itachii, instead he died like human fodder from Goblin Scalper. Oh god. He’s really gone.

I felt my face. It was drenched in tears.

My best friend is dead and I’m still making anime references. It’s the only way my mind knows how to process all this crazy shit. But it’s not enough. Shit I can’t see anything with all these tears.

It’s just me and the murderer now. I’m not going to just stand still and die. I have to use the legendary Joseph Joestar’s secret technique!

My legs move me away from my enemy at incredible speed.

If I can get him away from the school then I can save some of those kids. Best Friend won’t have died in vain. Yeah, I’ll give his death purpose and I’ll kill the one who did it!

I toss my ridiculously heavy textbook at the window, smashing it to pieces. I then crash right through it, just barely dodging an incoming blade.

Where do I run? Come on what would Joseph do? There aren’t any volcanoes nearby. How do I beat this guy? Of course, a gas station! There’s one just down the road!

As thousands of thoughts bounced through my head a car was thrown right in front of me. I run on top of it and jump off.

That’s it, ride the adrenaline!

I make it to the gas station with the assailant hot on my trail. I reach into my backpack and pull out the pistol behind boobs.

If only I had remembered sooner. My mind was in a blur. No. I can’t dwell on that. Every second counts.

I pull out my heft AGL Arms .45 Long Cult. “Everyone, get out of here!” I yell, raising my custom replica and firing a shot.

These goddamn morons are crouching down, not running. Do they want me to blow them up?

It’s too late. The assailant arrives and still only a few people actually flee. The rest are frozen in terror.

I can do this. Forget about these people. They’re just side-characters, strangers. That thing killed my best friend and it will die!

I aim the revolver at the gas tank, but notice a baby in the car.

Sorry, Best Friend. I’m doing this my way.

I fire a round into the assailant’s lower cloak.

The creature’s purple blood sprays on the car, but stops before it can melt all the way through.

Metal spider-like appendages come out from the creature and it races toward me.

Sorry Best Friend, I can’t stop the monster who killed you. I’m a damn failure.

I run as fast as my legs will carry me.

I need to go home. If I make it to the orphanage, then I just know I’ll be safe. Best Friend wants me to live. I won’t betray his last request.

I jump onto a car and feel it flip beneath my feet. I kick off, seeing bladed tendrils zoom by me. As I soar through the air, I feel a strange sensation. Blood is now gushing out of my arm. No…there is no arm, just blood.

I’m going to die. The title was absolutely right.

I look as far as I can, seeing my orphanage in the distance. It radiates with a beautiful light, beckoning me.

“You son of a bitch! I’m going to make it! I’m going to live!” I yell as I fire blindly behind me.

I keep running but then suddenly trip and fall.

What the hell!? Glasses kid is the klutz, not me!

My leg is gone and blood is gushing out from the wound. The assailant approaches me as I try to crawl away from him.

This is where a deus-ex machina is supposed to show up, right? Preferably a cute girl from another world in tight clothes.

A girl in a futuristic outfit then appears in front of me.

Sooo predictable! The tropes I’ve hazed are now saving my life. This irony is thicker than Handzo’s futomaki rolls. It’s over. I’m finally safe.

“If you come with me, I promise you’ll live,” she says, creating a portal out of thin air.

Wait, where have I heard that before.

(Note: Insert Flashback of Stalker Girl here. Side Note: have an extra unrelated minute of runtime in order to save on the episode’s budget.)

Should I trust her. It turned out badly last time. Oh shit, that thing is moving toward her. I have to do something.

“I’m not going to be some pawn for your revolution! Solve your own problems, beyotch!” I yell, shooting at her feet with my pistol.

She pulls the gun out from my hand with her telepathic powers. She digs her heel into my nuts and then leaves into a portal.

In hindsight, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. What if she could have fought that thing? This is no anime. Being a hero is going to get me killed.

The hooded figure looms closer and closer, building up unnecessary suspense.

I aim my gun at him, ready to fire.

One final bullet. A single headshot should end this.

A girl with black hair riding a bicycle comes from out over the bend and runs right over my neck.

“What a shitty death,” I say before everything goes dark.

Yeah that’s it, I died from a Kagomi wannabe. Turns out I’m not an Aijin after all. Shit! Oh well, at least I’ll share the top spot with Yoshigake Killa for the most pathetic death.

Here comes the ending song. I suppose it’s the ending in multiple ways.

A cheap panoramic image of me descending into darkness is shown. Sad piano music plays.

Awesome dreams. Greater failures. Lesser beings killing greaters. What the hell just happened to me? Who the hell ruined my script? There was no explosion. I just died. Damn that sucked. The hero’s journey came to an end. With everything loss and nothing to defend. The hero died. I only wish it was a lie!

Now for the prequel to the next episode.

What the hell, it’s just dark black fog. Is this really it? Shit, could I really have died for good? Tune in next week for the start of a new adventure of The Main Character!?