So warm.

It was too early in the morning, and I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to let go. The warmth was mine and I would never, ever…

“Aera, please let go,” Liam whispered to me, a laugh in his tone. “I need to get going to work.”

“Too early,” I mumbled, and nuzzled against him.

Wait…

“Ahh!” I yelped, and retreated under the blanket.

“What happened? Are you okay?” he asked, giving me a concerned look as I peeked out from behind a pillow.

His face was handsome. The rough stubble on his chin had felt so wonderful on my face when we’d kissed. Those eyes had been so piercing, especially when…

“Is that all?” he said, smiling wryly at me, probably in response to my red face. “I hope it’s just embarrassment and not regret.”

“Regret?” I said, bewildered. “What would I possibly have to regret? Last night… it was…”

My voice cut off as I flushed again.

“Memorable?” he suggested, and I nodded.

“Wonderful,” I added with a shy smile.

“Good,” he said, getting up from the bed without a hint of self-consciousness. “I probably shouldn’t have given in, not when I had alcohol in my system, but as long as you don’t regret it, I suppose it’s fine.”

“You don’t regret it, do you?” I asked timidly.

He paused at his dresser and turned to smile at me. He was completely naked and completely comfortable with that fact. I felt both annoyed and envious of that.

“That was probably the best night of my life,” he said, his eyes dancing.

I peeked out a little more and smiled.

“Same,” I murmured.

It wasn’t as sweet as my memories with Benjamin, but those… those were special. They didn’t get the indignity of a simple ranking system. Love was its own category.

But then, my memories with Benjamin never involved quite as much raw pleasure as that...

“There is an issue of clothing,” he said, as he put on some underwear, which made it easier for me to breathe. “I have extra uniforms for work, fortunately, but I’m pretty sure your dress is scattered around the living room.”

“Um… if it’s okay, could I have the scraps of your other uniform?” I said. “I can make something out of that.”

“Sure,” he said, chuckling.

I got up from the bed, keeping the blanket wrapped around me. When he gave me an amused look, I blushed and fled from the room as fast as I could move.

I returned a few minutes later to put the blanket back, while wearing a hastily crafted black and blue dress from the bits of his uniform I found. I’d also taken the time to quickly clean up the mess, during which I heard his shower going.

Liam was in the bathroom, shaving, when I got back. I took a moment to just admire him, and try to come to terms with what had happened.

It wasn’t the sex itself that had me so flustered, though I’d have been nervous and giggly about that under the best of circumstances. It was how I’d acted. The memories scarcely seemed real… to imagine that I could be so bold… it was like I’d been a different person.

And what was more, I’d loved every moment of it. Even now, as I timidly watched Liam’s smooth cheeks emerge from under the shaving cream, the idea of being that way again was intoxicating in a way that alcohol could never dream of.

I wanted to do that again.

“If you keep looking at me like that, you’re going to make it hard for me to drive,” Liam complained playfully.

“Who, me?” I asked, grinning at the flushed warmth that was starting to spread again. “Since when would I make things hard?”

“Ha. Ha,” he said dryly, throwing me a bemused look.

I giggled and ran out into the front room.

“Would you like some coffee?” I called out.

“Sure,” he said.

I skipped around his kitchen, too full of nervous energy to move normally, and made two cups of coffee. He liked his with just sugar, I remembered.

“Smells good,” he said as he walked into the kitchen.

I grinned at him, glad he couldn’t see my thoughts. I’d made myself a little problem… maybe I should have encouraged him to get changed before things happened. As it was, seeing him in uniform reminded me of how it looked shredded…

I bounced over to him, handed him his coffee, and fled to his table to sit down.

“You’re lively this morning,” he said, smirking at me.

“I had a good night,” I said, biting my lip as I smiled up at him. “... soon, you said?”

He sat down at the table and chuckled.

“Why do I get the feeling I’ve bitten off more than I can chew?” he asked wryly.

I just grinned at that.

“Maybe next week,” he said, taking a sip.

“That long?” I asked, frowning.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

“I’m busy, Aera, you know that,” he said. “It’s hard to get time away from work, and even when I do, I’m usually tired.”

“Well, fine,” I said. “I’ll just have to look forward to next week. When?”

He just laughed.

“Let me see what cases I have lined up, and I’ll figure out the timing,” he said. “I’ll call you this evening.”

“Okay,” I said, smiling up at him.

We were quiet for a moment while we finished our coffee. As soon as he was done I quickly took the mugs and cleaned them on the way to the counter.

“Useful,” he noted, as he headed over to the door.

He clipped on his badge and holster from where he’d left them the day before.

“I guess it’s time,” I said, as he opened the door.

“It is,” he said.

I looked up at his face and wished it wouldn’t be so long before I could see it again. See it… touch it…

My eyes fell to his mouth and I bit my lip. I wanted...

Maybe…

Memories emboldened me, and I darted forwards. My arms wrapped around his neck and I pulled his face to mine, stealing a sweet kiss. His response was warm and encouraging, but my nerves were too much. I broke the kiss, giggled nervously, and looked away.

“I’ll see you next week,” he said, his tone amused. “Have a safe walk home.”

I nodded and bounded down the steps, past his cruiser. I quickly spun around to look at him one last time, taking in his laughing eyes, before fleeing from his neighborhood.

I couldn’t possibly be alone just then. I’d have gotten so wound up that I’d have surely exploded.

So I headed to Alice’s, instead, fixing up my dress as I went.

“Good morning, Aera,” she said, looking sleepy. “How did it go? You have to tell me everything!”

I giggled as a response, and she ushered me in.

“Lou’s at work, and Slick’s at training,” she said with a conspiratorial smile as we went to her couch. “So it’s just us girls.”

“It was amazing, Alice,” I said, bouncing in my seat.

“Just look at you glowing,” she said with a giggle of her own. “Don’t tell me… you kissed, didn’t you?”

I flinched a little in surprise.

“You did!” she squealed. “And only on the second date! He moves fast, doesn’t he?”

“Er… well, I kissed him, rather,” I said, sheepishly.

“You didn’t!” she said, dropping her jaw. “You’re supposed to wait for him to make the moves!”

“I… um… I was impatient,” I said, looking at my feet.

I really should have considered the culture before thinking about talking to Alice.

She giggled at me.

“You have been impatient with him, haven’t you?” she said. “You’ve been making all the moves! Is he a good kisser?”

“Yes,” I said, grinning at her like an idiot. “He’s an amazing kisser.”

“He looks like he would be,” she said, nodding as though pleased with her own powers of observation. “So you two are an item now, then?”

“Um, sort of,” I said.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

I just looked at her for a moment, and tried to decide if I could tell her the truth.

There was only one way to really know, but… if it backfired, then…

I could always tell her the truth later.

“It’s complicated,” I said. “He’s really hard to talk to, sometimes. He’s sort of… pushy.”

“Did he try to go too far?” she asked, suddenly serious.

“No!” I said, half choked. “No, not at all, he was not… um… he was a perfect gentleman.”

“Good,” she said, grinning again. “You’re a sweetheart, Aera, and you deserve a proper gentleman.”

Certain sounds, of breaths and moans, slipped into my mind and I just blushed, clueless as to how to respond.

“You really like him, don’t you?” she said, her face alight.

“Yes,” I said, glad for an easy question. “It’s complicated, though. We’re… um… it’s a temporary thing.”

“Temporary?” she asked, shocked.

I shrugged.

“When I come forward, with magic, I’ll probably have to leave,” I said. “I didn’t want anything holding me back.”

“And he’s okay with this?” she said, hesitantly.

I nodded.

“He’s lonely, too,” I murmured.

“What does that even mean?” she asked, confused. “A temporary thing… what even is a relationship, if you’re not hoping to get married?”

“Well… what is it with you and Slick?” I said, thinking it somewhat comparable.

Her eyes flashed with hurt, and I froze at my error.

“Slick… he will ask me to marry him, though,” she said softly. “Won’t he?”

“Does he want to be married?” I asked. “It’s been years.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” she said, sighing. “I know we fight sometimes, but… I guess he’s not sure of me.”

“He loves you, Alice,” I said.

“If he loves me, he should ask me to marry him,” she said, and I glimpsed the depth of her fear in her eyes.

“Maybe he’s afraid,” I suggested.

“He’s not a coward, Aera,” she said. “He wouldn’t let fear stop him - he’s not like that. It’s something else.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “But what you have with him… it’s nice, isn’t it?”

“Maybe that’s what’s wrong,” she said with a heavy sigh. “I should never have given in... now that I’m not a virgin anymore, I’m not worth marrying.”

Right. Virginity. Benjamin had explained the concept once, when I’d gotten confused by the mention in a book. Even with the translation spell, it had been too context-laden to make any sense of it.

“But weren’t you a virgin, when you were with him?” I asked. “If he’s the one who you stopped being a virgin with, then why would that matter?”

“It’s called losing your virginity,” she said, smiling sadly at me. “And yes, he’s the one I lost it to. But it means that I’m not… I’m not pure, anymore. And maybe that’s why.”

“He’s not particularly religious,” I said.

“Everyone cares about virginity, Aera,” she said. “Not just Christians.”

I don’t, I thought to myself.

I started to turn away awkwardly, leaving the thought unsaid, but it felt different for some reason.

I’d just spent the night being pushed to not be afraid to speak up when it was needed, and now…

If I said nothing, what would she think? That I agreed, that maybe that was the problem?

No.

Being afraid to speak on a personal subject did no good - I wasn’t going to be a coward anymore. The intoxicating heat of memories spurred me to bravery.

“Not everyone cares about that,” I said, and she looked at me in surprise. “Where I come from, how I was raised, there wasn’t even a concept of virginity.”

“Really?” she asked.

I nodded.

“I’m not a virgin, either, and O’Brien didn’t mind,” I said. “But that’s beside the point. Slick isn’t especially cultured. He doesn’t care about anything, really, except three things. He cares about his music, his sister, and you. Nothing else matters, and you know that.”

“Then why wouldn’t he ask me to marry him?” she asked, looking defeated. “If I really matter that much…”

“I think it’s because he’s a thick headed dunce who’s afraid to touch anything that’s not broken, and hesitates even then,” I said. “If he’s happy with you, why would he want to change anything?”

“But… I want to be married,” she said, looking down. “Doesn’t that mean it is broken?”

“Does he know that?” I asked.

“How could he not know that?” she said.

“It’s Slick we’re talking about, isn’t it?” I asked dryly.

She was silent for a second.

“You really think that he might not know I’m waiting for him to ask?” she asked quietly.

“Honestly, Alice, I’d be shocked if he had any idea at all,” I said. “Since when does he think about these things? Isn’t that why you fight with him, half the time?”

“So what do I do?” she asked, still looking down. “I couldn’t possibly say anything to him.”

Memories of the previous night’s frustrations came to me, and I smiled. I supposed Liam really had a point, with the whole talking openly thing.

“I could suggest the idea to him,” I said.

“No!” she said. “Aera, you couldn’t!”

“Why not?” I asked.

“It’s supposed to be on him,” she said. “I don’t want it to be someone else’s idea. He has to want to.”

“Then maybe you’ll have to wait,” I said. “Or maybe, you can look for opportunities to bring up the idea, without outright telling him.”

“I suppose,” she said, with a sigh.

“One thing is certain, Alice,” I said. “He loves you. He’s an idiot sometimes, but he loves you. You know this.”

She smiled weakly up at me.

“I guess so,” she said, and then took a quick breath and made herself smile. “But we were talking about you and the handsome copper!”

“Er… right,” I said.

“So you think you’re not going to ever marry him,” she said.

“That’s correct,” I said.

“Do you think you’ll find someone to marry after you come forward?” she asked. “Or maybe, if you and O’Brien get along well enough, that you might marry him then?”

“I don’t know if marriage is ever going to be in my future,” I admitted.

“What?” she asked, horrified. “How could you think that? You’re beautiful, Aera!”

“It’s not about my looks,” I said, thrown off.

“But… I mean, why wouldn’t you get married?” she asked. “As pretty as you are, you’d have no trouble.”

“My life will be complicated, Alice,” I said with a sigh. “I don’t know how it’s going to go. But settling down… I might not have that option.”

“But…” she hesitated. “But wouldn’t you be lonely?”

“That’s kind of the point of a temporary tryst, like I’m having with O’Brien,” I said wryly.

“Oh, honey, I think your language spell messed up,” she said. “You used the word ‘tryst.’ That word is usually used for…”

She hesitated briefly.

“It’s usually used for unbiblical relations,” she said primly.

That strange, intoxicating heat from the previous night hissed at me from deep in my heart.

I will not turn away. I will not hide.

“Interesting,” I said, unable to resist its call, startled by the feeling. “It would appear my language spell is working better than I realized.”

She gaped at me, and I blushed, confused at myself. Why did I rise up, instead of submitting, when I felt challenged by her? That wasn’t like me…

Wasn’t it?

“You mean, you intend to have a carnal relationship with Lieutenant O’Brien?” she asked, shocked, leaning forward and whispering conspiratorially.

There’s no reason to be embarrassed, Liam’s words echoed in my mind.

And the sight of him casually getting dressed in front of me… hadn’t that provoked envy in me?

I didn’t want to be embarrassed.

“Is there a reason not to?” I asked, a quiet challenge in my gaze.

She flinched.

“I know you don’t believe, but…” she hesitated again, lost for words. “It’s not… it’s not right, Aera. You have to protect your virtue! Even if you’re not a virgin anymore, you can’t just… just give yourself away to people.”

“What if I don’t consider it a virtue?” I said, my tone cool. “What if I don’t consider it as ‘giving’ anything away? You remember me telling you, with Dorothy’s help, about a woman’s pleasure. Am I not taking what I desire, rather?”

“Your homeworld is so twisted…” she said, a pitying look in her eyes. “You don’t even realize how precious your virtue is… oh, honey. You’re here now. You’ve got to understand that the values of your world didn’t come with you.”

“But these are my values,” I said. “And they’re all I have of my homeland.”

“And what will people think of you and your homeland, if you’re nothing but a whore?” she asked.

“I’m not trading sex for money,” I said. “I’m not giving away sex at all. I’m taking what I want.”

“Fine, a harlot, then,” she said. “It’s unnatural, it’s perverse… Aera, honey, it’s disgusting. And… wait, and O’Brien, he’s going along with this?”

“Yes,” I said, feeling heated.

“No…” she said, a horrified look in her eyes. “I thought he was a good man! You lied to me, you said he was a gentleman!”

“He is a gentleman,” I said, crossing my arms. “It took a great deal of persuasion to take from him what I wanted.”

She looked like I’d slapped her.

“You didn’t,” she whispered. “You’re telling me that you… you persuaded him to have carnal relations with you, on your second date…?”

“It wasn’t even a date,” I said. “The first time, he refused to discuss the subject at all, and last night, there was no expectation of any relationship, when I arrived.”

“Oh, and how did that go?” she asked scornfully. “‘Oh, Mister O’Brien, I am a wanton strumpet, and ready for you to have your will of me,’ and he just takes advantage of your innocence? You may not know better, but he has no excuse!”

“He resisted so much it was annoying,” I said. “He gave every imaginable reason not to - though, to his credit, he didn’t attempt to persuade me based on what others might think. He respected that I have different values. He wouldn’t even touch me, kiss me, nothing - I had to initiate everything!”

“You’re worse than a harlot,” she said. “You’re… you’re a seducer! A succubus! Perverting a good man like that? Aera! How could you?!”

“I did seduce him,” I said, my voice dropping to a growl. “It was my choice, my victory, my pleasure. And I didn’t force him - he agreed to everything, in the end! There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“But he knew it was wrong,” she said. “You just admitted it! You seduced him into something he knew was wrong, and that is evil!”

“No, he never called it wrong, Alice,” I said. “He said it was different, that it was unusual. He seemed to have a hard time believing that I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But the only thing he cared about was how I felt!”

“You used a good man to fix your own loneliness, without even thinking about whether it was wrong,” she said, looking disgusted with me.

“It wasn’t wrong,” I said. “And it was a mutually enjoyable experience.”

“It is wrong, Aera!” she said. “How can I make you understand that?”

“You can’t,” I said. “Because saying that having sex with others for pleasure is wrong, is the same as saying both of my parents are wrong, that most of my entire world is wrong.”

“You think your parents aren’t wrong?” she asked, disbelieving. “Aera, your parents are monsters! Your mother is the vilest being I’ve ever heard of, save Satan himself, and your father is hardly better!”

“They’re good people, Alice!” I said, growling.

“No, they aren’t!” she said. “Your parents have murdered people, Aera. Murdered them! Hundreds, maybe even thousands of people! Your mother even murders people just out of anger alone, and your father has destroyed entire countries!”

“He doesn’t kill them, though, not usually,” I said. “And he only does that to countries that get in our way. And my mother, she’s better than she used to be… most of those stories were from before she met my father.”

“You honestly believe that this pair of mass murderers you call parents are good people,” she said, staggered. “By god above, Aera, I thought you’d learned some things since coming here.”

“How am I supposed to learn what’s right and good, if all you ever want to talk about is dresses and jewelry?” I asked sarcastically.

She actually cooled at that.

“Maybe you’re right, Aera,” she said. “Maybe it’s kind of my fault. I knew you didn’t have proper parents.”

I fumed at that, but she raised a hand haltingly.

“It’s not right of me to hate you for having bad parents,” she said. “That’s not your fault, any more than it’s my fault for not having parents at all. You say O’Brien is a good man, right?”

I was still angry, but I cooled down enough to just nod at that.

“Talk to him about it,” she said. “I don’t think… I’m not good at serious conversations. You’re right about that. Lou isn’t the best choice, either, and Slick would probably run away in terror if you tried to talk to him about these things.”

She smiled a little, and I couldn’t help but match it. It was a funny image.

“And Dorothy?” I asked.

She frowned.

“Don’t let her know about this,” she said, leaning in with pity in her eyes. “It’s too late to hide that from O’Brien, so it’ll just be our little secret for now, okay?”

I grit my teeth in frustration.

“You don’t want her to think badly of you, do you?” she asked.

“Well… no,” I admitted.

“Then don’t tell her,” she said. “I’m sure O’Brien can help you understand. Men can be dogs, but it sounds like he was trying to do the right thing, and you just made it hard for him.”

She reached out to take my hand. I awkwardly let her.

“I believe in you, Aera,” she said. “You’re better than this, I know it. You’re a good person. This isn’t you. It can’t be. You can’t get your virginity back any more than I can, but you can be more than a harlot. I know it.”

It was a lot easier to argue with her when she was being hateful.

“I’ll talk to O’Brien about it,” I muttered.

“That’s wonderful to hear,” she said, and leaned forward to give me a hug, which I awkwardly accepted.

“It’ll be okay, honey,” she said as she let go. “I understand it’s hard, living in a different place. But you’re smart. You’ll figure things out.”

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s fine.”

“Just please promise me something,” she said.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“You don’t understand why we value chastity, right?” she asked.

“That’s… correct,” I said, confused.

“So I’d like you to promise me that you won’t do anything with O’Brien, not until you understand,” she said. “I’m not begging you to agree with me… but to at least understand the choice you’re making. You can do that, right?”

“You’re kidding,” I said flatly.

“I’m not,” she said. “You admitted it yourself, Aera, you don’t understand the value. Can you really say, for certain, that it’s worthless, if you don’t understand it?”

“I guess not,” I said.

“And would I really be your friend, if I just let you throw away something precious, because you didn’t understand its worth?” she asked.

“Objecting to my choice is one thing,” I said. “But would a true friend stop me from making my own choices?”

“I’m not telling you to stop being a harlot, Aera,” she said. “I’m just asking you to wait a little first, before doing it again. For your own sake. Just a little patience, and a little learning. If you really think that being a harlot is the right thing to do, I can’t stop you.”

This feeling made me sick to my stomach. She was a friend, and she was judging me. A part of me, a huge part, wanted to submit to this, to make the judgement stop, to gain her approval.

Another part of me remembered that feeling from the previous night. That feeling of utter perfection. Of knowing what I wanted, of taking the moral precautions, and once I had the right of it, to take my claim with absolute devotion.

It had felt so good, and the physical pleasure wasn’t the half of it. Being that way… being unafraid, bold, confident, daring, and sure of myself… I’d never done that before.

Who was I? The timid, submissive, sweet girl that Alice was pleading with, or the wild, confident, fearless seductress who had hunted and claimed her prey, without guilt or hesitation?

“Maybe you’re right,” I said, looking away, and heard her sigh in relief. “Maybe the problem is I don’t understand enough.”

“So you promise?” she pushed.

“I’ll make you a deal,” I said.

“A deal?” she asked.

“I will agree to try chastity out while I try to learn about it,” I said. “But if I do, you have to agree to still support me, to still be my friend, and to never judge me for this, if I decide chastity is pointless.”

She flinched.

“Aera, you can’t ask me to give up my values,” she said. “If you choose to be a harlot? Right now, I can give you grace because you’re naive, because of your parents. But to do that knowingly? How could I overlook that, Aera?”

“You’re asking me to give up my values,” I said. “To give up freedom for chastity.”

“We value freedom, too,” she said. “I’m not asking you to give that up.”

“Freedom of choice?” I said. “Like how women can choose any career that they want? Like how people can choose to marry anyone of any color? Like how men can have sex with each other? Like how anyone can walk down the street naked?”

“Aera, that’s not fair,” she said. “That’s too many issues at once, and all of them are so different. Like men with men… that’s disgusting!”

“Why the hell is that disgusting?” I asked. “Why does it matter?”

She shook her head.

“I cannot even start to talk about that. But that’s beside the point, isn’t it?” she said. “You don’t understand the problem.”

“Oh, really?” I asked.

“You’re allowed to choose evil,” she said. “Isn’t that always the truth? But if I were a murderer or a thief, you’d be right to stop being my friend. This is an evil that you’re allowed to choose, it’s not against the law, and like I said, I can’t stop you. Or if you were to drink too much, and waste away into nothing, I can’t stop it, but I also don’t have to stand by and watch.”

“Speaking of Slick, how have you been enjoying the lessons I shared from my world about how to know pleasure?” I asked pointedly.

“Aera, I already admitted I’ve done wrong,” she said. “But I love Slick, and I will say yes the minute he asks me to marry him. And that’s been true since before I lost my virginity to him. That’s not true with this thing with O’Brien. You don’t love him.”

“Since when does love have anything to do with sex?” I demanded.

“Since always!” she said. “That’s what sex is! It’s the physical act of love! That’s why they call it lovemaking!”

“Well, my people don’t call it lovemaking,” I said. “They call it all kinds of things, but not that!”

“You don’t have a people!” she said. “Isn’t that what you’re always saying? Your mother this, your father that, but you don’t have a people. A culture. A country. You’re just these - these random kings of your own little land, living by your own little rules, with nothing. You have no idea what it is to have a society, a world outside of yourself.”

“Spellcasters kind of are our own people,” I said.

“Is that so?” she asked. “I seem to remember you making it a point how they all could live by their own, personal moral codes, and sometimes those codes hurt people. I don’t know, like maybe your mother and father?”

“So what?” I said. “Maybe I don’t really have a people or a culture or whatever. Maybe the way I was raised, it doesn’t make sense to you. But I’m not completely clueless.”

“Ha!” she said. “You’ve been completely clueless since the day we met!”

“Only because I’m the one in a new world!” I retorted. “Had any of you come to my world, you’d have been dead in a week. You would have been lost, and ravaged by beasts - beasts that I’ve been trained to kill, and protect people from.”

“You’ve been trained to kill things,” she said. “And how exactly does that make you less clueless?”

“Our worlds run by different rules,” I said. “You’d be clueless in mine, I’m clueless in yours. But some things are equal between our worlds. Like biology. Most living things reproduce with sex, a great many living things find pleasure in it, and the humans of my world don’t make such a fuss about it! It’s like any other biological activity, such as eating and breathing - none of which requires a specific emotion.”

“Sex is special, Aera,” she said. “You can’t seriously believe it’s like everything else.”

“Was last night’s activity not proof that love is not required for sex?” I asked. “Or the existence of prostitutes?”

“You loved Benjamin, didn’t you?” she asked.

“Yes, of course I did,” I said.

“Can you really say it was the same?” she asked. “With Benjamin, and with O’Brien?”

“You’ve had dinner with friends and with Slick,” I retorted. “Can you truly say that a night out with friends is just as intimate as a romantic dinner?”

“So you’re admitting it is different,” she said, as though she felt like she was right.

“Of course it’s different!” I said. “Everything is different with love! Whether eating dinner, or smiling at each other, or holding hands, it’s all so much more with love! Sex is nothing special that way.”

“It is special, Aera,” she said, her voice almost taking a pleading tone. “It is! You’re sharing your body with someone else. That means something. It’s special… sacred, even.”

“When you eat food, you’re creating your body,” I said. “So why is eating food together not sacred?”

“Sex is a bigger deal than eating food together!” she said. “Stop saying that! You know it is!”

“It’s more awkward, sure,” I said. “It’s more embarrassing to try, because you can get rejected. Because trying to get what you want is a frightening thing. I’ve been afraid of that most of my life. No, I’m sorry Alice, but I don’t see any reason for sex to be special.”

She stopped.

“You really don’t,” she said, her voice almost calm again. “You really think sex is just… what, nothing?”

“As special as the person it’s with,” I said. “Like eating dinner, or going to a theater show.”

“You really think that,” she said, sounding dumbfounded. “Like… all sex?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Like you mentioned… men with men? Or people of different colours?” she asked.

“Why should I care how anyone else goes about achieving orgasm?” I asked.

“So if a coloured man approached you, you’d just have sex with him?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “It’s about desire. I’d want to know him, first.”

“So you would, then,” she said. “You’d be okay being with a negro. Honestly.”

“I’m not understanding, Alice,” I said. “My parents are different colors, too.”

“You’re mixed?” she asked, looking stunned again.

“My father has skin paler than mine,” I said. “The skin of his bloodline is almost pure white. My mother’s skin is closer to what you’d call hispanic. I take more after my father in hue than my mother, but yes, I’m mixed.”

“But she had red hair,” she said, her voice dazed.

“That’s because we have different races than here,” I said.

She put her face in her hands and was quiet for a second. I took the chance to breathe and regain my own senses.

“I don’t know what to do, Aera,” she said after a minute. “I don’t know what to do with you. What you believe… it’s wrong. It’s so wrong. I don’t know how to help you understand.”

“You aren’t understanding my values, either,” I said. “You have this ‘chastity’ value, and I have one of individual freedom. To you, chastity is more important, and to me, individual freedom is the most important. As long as you don’t hurt or coerce anyone, you should be able to do absolutely anything you want.”

“Wouldn’t that mean I’m allowed to care about chastity, by your rules?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said. “And you’re allowed to not be my friend, either. But…”

I trailed off.

“But you want to be friends,” she finished for me.

I nodded.

“So what do we do?” she asked after a minute. “Is it even possible for us to stay friends, if you don’t change?”

“I like to think so,” I said. “I’ll talk to O’Brien. I’ll try to understand. I just… want you to try to do the same thing. To try to understand my values.”

“It’s hard to even think about, Aera,” she said. “The idea is so disgusting. To even imagine someone I don’t love, touching me like that...”

She shuddered and I sighed.

“That’s not the sort of thought that’d be helpful, I think,” I said. “You’re still making it about sex. It’s about freedom. It’s about doing what you want, without being afraid of what others think.”

“It’s not about that, either,” she said. “It’s about caring about yourself. Valuing yourself. You are precious, Aera, and you should treat yourself like you’re precious.”

I raised my hands in a gesture of surrender.

“I’ll try, Alice,” I said. “Can you at least do the same?”

She looked down for a moment and then nodded.

“I think I should head home,” I said. “I have some thinking to do.”

“That’s a good idea,” she said. “I’ll think about it, too. And don’t worry about the others. I won’t even mention it to Slick, not yet.”

“Thanks, I guess,” I said, sighing as I got up.

Apparently it wasn’t enough that I had to hide my magic. I had to hide my joy, too.

My gaze was in the clouds for most of the way to the house. I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d ever be free. Free to just be honest. To be myself. To find out who I even was.

The city felt as cold as the snow that blanketed it.