《Ravyn's Nights - Book 3》Chapter 77
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Shortly after claiming their private car on the train, Eliot couldn’t help taking Claire’s silence as a sign that she seemed to be drifting off into rather deep mental territory. After several more moments of watching her, whilst trying not to let himself drift back to those deep questions he had awoken with himself that morning, he finally had to break that silence, for both of their sakes.
“Having second thoughts already?” he made himself ask.
Claire simply startled at the sound of his voice, looking away from the window she had been staring out, trying to decide how exactly she was going to deal with the problem of him still not knowing what she truly was. “Sorry, what?”
Eliot looked down with a nervous smile, which he quickly forced into a more sincere one before looking back up to offer a response, “so, how much of Europe have you actually seen, American girl?”
“Does London count?”
“I suppose we’ll count it” he offered another smile.
“Then... London” she stated flatly.
“A world traveler I see” he teased.
“Spent most of my life in America... but part of it in London, as well” she admitted, deliberately giving no real time frames for either of those periods.
“I suppose now is your chance to see the rest” he attempted another smile, which she returned, though with an obvious unease behind it.
When her eyes drifted back to the window and her heavy thoughts seemed to be once again taking over, Eliot had to continue to attempt some lightness, if for no other reason than to calm his own worry that she was indeed having those second thoughts about their impulsive decision to leave his father’s palace that evening.
“We never did finish our other conversation, you know” he stated after a few more moments to gather the courage to return to a topic that he was not sure he actually was ready to discuss yet, but the silence somehow felt worse to him right then.
“Which conversation?” she asked as she looked back his way.
“The one that was interrupted by our ever-so-romantic ‘consummation’” he teased, “we did only get as far as the number and names of your former lovers. No real confessions, so to speak.”
Claire looked down with a small smile of her own before replying, “considering the names I did give you, the names themselves were a pretty big confession, weren’t they?”
“I suppose” he admitted as he swallowed another small grin, “but those names have definitely left me more than a bit curious.”
“Which is curious” Claire couldn’t help pointing out, moving her eyes slowly over him once more, sure she saw a blush when he caught those pools of green on him.
“Why is that curious? A woman who openly admits to being with other women? That is quite the rare find indeed” he attempted to make light of whatever hidden meaning her statement may have been alluding to.
“So, you actually want to hear about the times I’ve made love with other women?” Claire asked, deliberately pushing a sultry tone into her voice, just to get a glimpse of his aura when she did.
And there it was, that clear flash, reddening his aura at that moment, though he did his best to force it back down just as quickly, it was still there. And that fact left Claire more than a bit curious herself. “it is rather novel” he attempted to give a light answer, though there was a tremble in his breath behind the words.
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“I can tell you about those nights, if you really want me to. But, as you told me, that works both ways. Are you willing to tell me about your ‘rather novel’ activities with other men?” she called him on his interest, licking her lips slightly as she did.
Eliot seemed to need a few seconds to compose himself before replying, “I somehow doubt any woman would honestly want to hear about two men making love together.”
Claire let out a tiny laugh which only caused a skeptical look from him. She then spoke up again, “you want a confession? I can give you one. There was a time, when I lived in London, ironically. But during that time, I was so, so angry with my husband; the real one” she had to add, to which he tried to hide his surprise, though she soon continued, “and during that time, I wouldn’t even kiss him, for nearly a year, if you can believe that” she began.
“Is this meant to be a confession?” he smiled back at her.
“Keep listening” she told him with a narrowing of her eyes before moving on, “but yes, for a year, there was literally no physical intimacy between Sean and I. Then, he eventually got so lonely he took another lover. And before you think you know how that story ends, I should warn you, Sean and I have both had other lovers, so this story may not end the way you think.”
“I’m listening” he returned, getting more curious by the moment.
“Anyway, after I found him with this new lover, it actually, somehow, filled me with so much desire that I finally made love to Sean again, right there, in front of his new lover.”
“Well, that is definitely an interesting story, but...”
“Did I mention the name of the new lover whose intimacy with my husband caused so much desire in me?”
“Afraid not” Eliot stated, his breath short as he watched her.
“His name was James. And that was my reaction to seeing my husband with another man. So what were you saying about most women and their opinions on two men being together?”
Eliot swallowed hard as he took another shaky breath, “well, you are definitely not most women” he admitted, though the words were barely a breath.
“Noticed that, did you?” she returned wryly.
After taking a few more deep breaths to plan his next statement, Eliot just had to speak up at last, “so, you’re saying the idea of two men together; it actually arouses you?”
“I suppose it would probably depend on the men, as well as a number of other factors. But passion is passion. Why should it matter the package it comes in? If you feel it, you feel it” she stated simply, watching as his aura filled with equal parts curiosity and admiration, and of course, that growing red, pulsing away slowly in the background.
Finally attempting to hide that growing desire behind humor, he spoke again, “well if you actually are impassioned by the idea of two men being together, are you sure you really do still want me to tell you about my past lovers after all?” he couldn’t help teasing, though still watched her just to see what reaction she would have to that question.
“I just told you about making love to my husband in front of his male lover, who did then become our male lover for a long time after that. I think you owe me one or two confessions at this point, don’t you?” she teased back.
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After Eliot was silent so long it was nearly deafening, he finally looked up at her with what almost looked like fear. He took a deep breath before finally speaking, “you want a confession? Because I have a pretty big one, actually” he nearly whispered, his fear of sharing this so-called confession of his apparent in his voice as well as his aura.
“I’m listening” Claire returned, though her voice was now much more soft than sultry.
“I’ve barely known you for an entire day, and you slept for most of that” he allowed a small smile before his nervousness returned, “and in that time, you’ve literally made me start to question... so many things” he decided on.
“Things?” she replied, obviously expecting much more of a confession than that.
“Things I always thought were true. Things I thought always would be true” he attempted further, too afraid, still, to just come right out and say what those things were. Though Claire’s ability to see so much more than he was willingly saying, gave her a good idea of what things those actually were.
Then Claire was the one who was silent for a long moment before speaking, “Eliot...” she began slowly, “I think I might know what those things are.”
“Of course you do. We’ve barely met, and you already seem to understand so much about me. Things no one else has ever really understood, or even tried to. Things I barely understand, myself, most days. I didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone who I could say those things about and mean them, Especially not a...” he just shook his head and looked down. “Am I crazy for feeling this way? I’ve always thought I was crazy for other things I felt. And now I feel this... this strange, strange connection to you; a virtual stranger, and a woman even. So am I crazy? Because that would almost make more sense to me at this point” he confessed, only allowing himself to look down for a moment before he had to turn his eyes back her way to try and determine if that actually was her opinion of him right then.
Claire took another moment to try and find an answer for him. All the while her brain was screaming at her that he only felt this way about her because of what she was and that allure she had. And she wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his feelings that were crazy, it was just the question of why he was having them at all, and how that made it that much harder to even tell if they were real; even for her. But she knew that trying to explain that to him would lead to her having to explain so much else.
Finally, she decided on, “I don’t think it’s crazy that you feel some kind of connection to me. It’s perfectly... human... to want to connect with someone who really seems to understand your pain, and accepts you despite it. I think the real question is what kind of connection do you actually feel for me? Is it just that of finally having a friend who understands you at last? Because if that’s the case, then you shouldn’t even care that I happen to be female” she paused a moment. “But if the connection to me you feel is something... more than just mental... then maybe it’s like I said before; passion simply is, and you feel it for who you feel it for. And as much as this world doesn’t want to say it, it really shouldn’t matter whether the people you feel that for are male, female, or either. I had to come to terms with that fact about myself a long time ago, And it’s one of the only things that I still have never regretted learning about myself to this day.”
“You really are the perfect woman... perfect person, aren’t you?” he smiled over at her again.
Claire couldn’t help a loud laugh at that idea, despite the sweetness behind it. “Perfect is one word I have never, ever used to describe myself. Even in my own head” she assured.
“But how do other people describe you?” he had to add with another slight grin.
“Now you sound like my real husband” she admitted, though quietly.
“Well, isn’t that what I am now? For at least a few more days.”
She let out another small laugh, “your father’s nowhere in sight. We no longer have to pretend to be husband and wife, remember?”
“It seems I somehow don’t mind continuing to pretend after all.”
Claire couldn’t help being touched by what appeared to be a completely honest outpouring of emotion and willingness to show vulnerability on the part of a young man who had spent his life not ever allowing himself to do either of those things, truly. Though her own self-doubt did keep trying to convince her that the only reason he could possibly feel any sort of connection to her was because of that allure that was simply part of her now.
Then she heard Sean’s voice reminding her that he had felt even more than that for her back before she had any of that otherworldly magnetism at all. Then again, Sean was not Eliot and Eliot was not Sean, and she wasn’t even positive that what Eliot felt for her was even romantic in nature at all, rather than just the need for an honest friendship. Though the red that had begun saturating more and more of his aura in the time since they had met; it did make for a compelling argument that there was indeed more to his interest than just the mental connection he felt.
But no matter what was the honest truth about what he did feel for her right then, there was one fact that she was sure of: No matter what his feelings were now, they were liable to undergo a drastic shift once he discovered what she actually was. And Eliot making that discovery was an inevitability she was sure of if they continued to spend much more time in such close proximity to one another.
And once he did find out that she was not at all what he thought she was, he would be hurt and fearful, and she didn’t wish to have him feel either of those feelings any more than he already had in his life. She did care about him as well it seemed, and unlike his feelings at the moment, she knew that her own were much easier to trust.
“You’ve gone quiet again” he told her warily after another moment of waiting on some response to his last statement.
Claire swallowed as she tried to find words once more through the din inside her head then, “so, continuing to pretend? We’re not with your family anymore, so I have to ask, what exactly does that really entail now, in your opinion?” she made herself ask as she moved her eyes back to him.
“So, it is second thoughts that keep making you ‘go away?’” he asked her as he continued to smile to hide the slight sadness in his tone.
“I’m not even sure what you think I may be having second thoughts about. Hence my last question” she attempted to hold her smile.
Eliot sighed as he tried to find his own words then. “I just know that I want to continue to be around you. I want to keep learning more about you. I want to try to finally learn more about myself” he admitted, “and I think you’re the one person who might be able to help me do that... finally” he repeated sincerely.
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