《Isoptera》Chapter 1: Pain

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Pain, the first thing I'm aware of is mind-numbing pain. It fills every crevice of my being and extends to my soul. I feel it spreading, even further, taking root in something. Slowly it encroaches upon that unknown territory and a feeling of wrongness overwhelms me. No, it can’t go there, a primal instinct screams inside, No No NO NO-- But then it stops abruptly and slowly begins to retreat, inch by inch until the instinct lulls into the background.

It was only until the pain receded completely did a pleasant feeling wash over my soul; more than happiness or comfort it felt oddly like acceptance? No, it was more of a feeling of completeness maybe even assimilation.

Shortly after that feeling, however, I became aware of something else. A thumping that resounded loudly but felt oddly contained with a soothing rhythm that came with it. I completely focused on that thumping and something clicked inside my head. Ah, that was the sound of my heart beating. With that realization, another dawned on me, I couldn't move, well it wasn't that I couldn't move, I mentally corrected myself, it was just that my limbs felt numb, weirdly unresponsive, and somewhat alien to me. It even felt like I had a few more limbs than usual, inwardly I chuckled at the thought, you've finally gone crazy now huh----. I hit a barrier at that thought, I couldn't remember my name, as a matter of fact, why did I act like I had limbs before? Searching my mind for anything that would explain my thoughts I came up empty. That's where the fear started to kick in and I was in full existential crisis mode.

I felt lost at the lack of identity, fear at the thoughts that seemed to not be my own, and dread stemming from the fact that I only realized now I was in some sort of enclosed space surrounded by a viscous liquid. Spiraling even deeper in thought, the thumps began to accelerate, and my existential crisis was cut short due to the disruption in rhythm. Clinging to the only thing I felt was my own I focused on my heartbeat and slowly it returned to its original rhythm. Unconsciously, I disregarded any other thoughts as I was wholly overcome by the feeling of safety and security my heartbeat gave me.

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I felt my perception of time and consciousness muffle in the never-ending tempo of thumping. A resolve firmed in me. No matter whether my thoughts or my own or something else- One thing I was sure of was that this heart was my own and by extension who or what I was right now is who I am, everything else be damned.

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