“Wham!”

Edward’s mind went blank after crash landing in alien looking terrain. He dreamed of Nancy and all their unfinished drama that seemed to fill his soul. He remembered the first time he had undressed her black silk stockings in the graveyard. She had led him there under false pretenses, and later held onto a tombstone moaning for mercy until he broke it off with powerful thrusts from behind while slapping bouncing booty cheeks. This was one of their tamest ever encounters,one of the few rare times they really had a try at love making passionately.

The other girls he got close to emotionally would soon find themselves dead, but Nancy was built much different from them. She was already kinda dead inside even back then and down for just about anything. Fully sexually liberated she never seemed to judge him as a freak no matter how weird their activities. All of the above plus being a huge chested goth girlfriend.

The good news now was that he was dead and ugly, but so was she. They could date again even if all he had left for her needs was his cultivated tongue. No matter what his ends he was confident in his exquisite taste. Him and Nancy could have already gotten married if he hadn’t been so preoccupied with getting his rocks off speeding down other highways of intense pleasures in his short lifetime. He certainly had taken her for granted and now prized her far more than pretty much any of his official husbands and wives. Unfortunately the addictive soul sucking but oh so powerful crystals had come calling with their powers and overtook his life. She had caught him going insane after an extended bender lasting weeks. They had fought in the hot tub after he had got up for the bathroom and came back with powdered nostrils matching his face.

“Your going to die fast,” she angrily scolded, slapping him.

The extended nails cut his face causing bleeding damage.

“Ow you witch,” he responded, grabbing her neck to push underwater.

In return she stabbed him in the thigh with enough crystal to overdose, collapsing into the bubbling hot waters comatose.

He could confess that he wasn’t good, but it wasn’t his fault he had become a jailbird then escaped a mutant thing. He had a genetic predisposition towards risk taking behaviors, and addiction. The sacred ceremonial crystal lobotomy (and circumcision) given at 12 years old in order to make him more holy had backfired. Thankfully being a self aware genius had allowed him to keep the shameful homicidal behaviors away for a time. But now he had a million souls to collect and couldn’t discriminate or apologize in the process.

“blblblbl,” he gargled back to reality bubbling underwater.

The outside ground began to bounce while the bubbling intensified as the heat multiplied. The temperature was beginning to melt what remained of his brain. Edward was already cooked.

Edward had become a powerful mutated hardened skull and entrails, but very recently he had also unlocked a super strong stomach. A thick industrial garbage bag hooked behind him and splashed into fluids below.

“Grrr I’m stuck,” was electrically transmitted from the collar worn by the head stuck in a hole in the ground.

He had fallen out of the portal into a steam filled area. Suddenly the geyser he was wedged into erupts, ejecting the head. Edward shot back into a strange wetland dripping wet.

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

“DING YOU HAVE 7 EXPLOSIONS LEFT TO SURVIVE’ loudly played the robotic voice in his flying head.

“Splash”.

Edward found himself floating in a kiddie pool.

“Man, where the farc am I now?” he asked, squinting at what looked like some kind of nest on the other side of the steaming area.

He shot out his extended tongue, hooking it around a conveniently placed palm tree. He pulled himself rolling onto land.

Edward rolled to a stop into a pile of coconuts. He gobbled them up then rolled into the nest of eggs drooling.

“Wonder if these suckers count and other things before hatching, guess I’ll have to do some experimenting,” announced the talking head. “Yum yum yum,” he said, gobbling up the entire nest in one go like a goblin.

Edward scouted the immediate area and found no bugs to collect. He returned to the geyser and plopped himself back in.

“Ha I will farm this path without risking li f..e.,” his voice box stuttered on the last word, electrocuting the rest of him into shock. “Never luckybazzzaz,” he crackled, continuing to shoot sparks.

In his transit to this primal low tech appearing wasteland he had eaten a being more powerful than himself. Of course this was after it had shut down in cubed low power mode from destroying a moon. It must have weighed a ton because eating it had fast tracked an upgrade for his monstrous body. Edward eventually intended to spit it out and crush it like a bug at a point much further in time when he was more powerful in his cultivation of powers. Speaking of bugs he was going to have to add them to his diet as a cheat meal. For now he hooked a nearby rock and slowly dragged it forward.

“Hahah me rockeater,” he laughed, shoveling it into his mouth.

“Munch,”.

Four hours later the single sun was setting and the geyser had yet to explode again.

“Screw this,” Edward announced, shooting his tongue back around the palm tree.

He yanked himself out of harm's way just as the geyser blew again.

“Farc me,” he yelled angrily behind his phantom backbone.

“Thud”.

Without the pile of coconuts to slow him he had slammed hard into the trunk hard threatening to knock himself cold. His headache blitzed hot pains in the mist from the geyser still blowing behind him. There was something else hissing a fit just beyond his face.

“Oh shit zzzzz,” cried Edward electronically fizzling onto a pissed off velociraptor.

There were many more where that came from. An entire pack of the carnivores incoming at speeds too high to comprehend. Their beady eyes studied the alien looking half meatsack that lay in front of them. Could it be eaten?

The first dinosaur attacked, snapping its teeth around the strange object.

“Hey I'm rolling here,” yelled the head being eaten.

“Crunch,”

The velociraptor shrieked, pulling away on the retreat with a mouth full of broken teeth.

“Hahaha my hide aint raw,” laughed Edward, cracking out his tongue like a whip.

Next he shot the extended thing out grabbing around the neck of the next victim. A third dino tried to bite this extended muscle, but he saw it coming and used the body of the one being strangled to beat the other to death. Two soul orbs flew out from the deceased into Edward. The rest of the enemies ran for the hills as he licked his lips.

“hahahahaha only nine thousand nine hundred and ninety eight more to go oh ho ho ho then I can leave dino land the apex predator let's go,” he said rolling forward.

Edward opened his mouth around the dead velociraptor and took a bite. He recoiled, spitting out the putrid flesh. He needed to locate his choice meat instead of this trash. Where was the hairy cave woman to beat his meat too.

The ground began to shake thumping while the nearby puddle got ripples from the vibrations signaling the approach of something big. He got his mind out of the gutter and back on track to battle. The ground shook his head loose again rolling into the water.

“ROAR!”

A tyrannosaurus rex exploded from the bushes and swallowed Edward in one quick bite.